All I can do is dream, for I am so, so tired.
Mar 12, 2023
Tired and hopeless. I don't wanna deal with this anymore. I feel sick, sick of myself, sick of people, sick of this life. And that's probably just for today. The future will surely surprise me in an even worse way


Lost and forgotten
Jul 15, 2021
Don't know how much time I have at the place I am staying. Sent a message to my landlord and am waiting for thier response. Best case scenario, I get a notice to vacate in 10 days. I did everything I could, but due to the frequent burnouts and volitle nature of my job; I am currently living far beyond my means to support myself as it stand right now. I tried and I failed.
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
I feel sad. Yesterday I was given the new assessment of the degree of disability, it has not changed much, I have a 74% (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Balance Disorder -peripheral vertigo-, Scoliosis).

But what screwed me the most was the opinion for an opposition to which I had presented myself in which it is indicated that I do not have the capacity to develop the work and that therefore I am not apt. And that means that they will no longer give me the go-ahead to be able to apply for positions in the public administration, universities or other public companies.
It is becoming more and more difficult for me, in fact almost impossible in private companies and unlikely in jobs in social-labor companies (I tried it in 3 a few years ago and they didn't want sick disabled people, they wanted healthy disabled people).

On the other hand at home there are again problems in the bathroom and will have to do works for dampness of the downspout of the community (and I still drag and suffer an EPT for what happened in 2018). It seems that I will be "banished" at my father's house, as since he died last February no one lives there (but I was not well there when I was young, I was always sick, with fever and vomiting every few weeks .. and that I only went when it was my turn, as my parents separated when I was 9 years old).

I think about the CTB, but I am not able to approach it, it scares me to death to seriously consider it, it terrifies me. Although I recognize that it is, in a reasoned way, the best option I have. But I still can't do it, even knowing that there is really no solution to my situation (there are no therapies or pills to help you make a life from scratch without physical and mental health).

My life is already over and I don't want to accept it, that's the problem.


Em sento trist. Ahír em van donar la nova valoració del grau de discapacitat, no ha variat gaire, tinc un 74% (Trastorn d'Ansietat Generalitzada, Trastorn Obssessiu Compulsiu, Trastorn de l'Espectre Autista, Trastorn de l'equilibri -vertigen perifèric-, Escoliosi).

Però el que mes em va fotre va ser el dictamen per a una oposició a la qual m'havía presentat en la qual s'indica que no tinc capacitat per desenvolupar la feina i que per tant no sóc apte. I això vol dir que ja no em donaràn més el vist-i-plau per poder presentar-me a les places que es convoquin per treballar a l'administració pública, universitats o altres empreses públiques.
Cada cop ho tinc més difícil, de fet gairebé impossible a l'empresa privada i poc provable en treballs d'empreses socio-laborals (ho vaig intentar en 3 fa uns anys i no volien discapacitats malalts, volien discapacitats sans).

D'altra banda a casa hi tornen a haver-hi problemes al bany i s'hauràn de fer obres per humitats del baixant de la comunitat (i encara arrossego i pateixo un EPT pel que va passar el 2018). Sembla ser que em "desterraràn" a casa del meu pare, ja que desde que ell va morir el febrer passat no hi viu pas ningú (però jo no estava bé allà quan era jove, sempre estava malalt, amb febre i vomitant cada poques setmanes.. i això que només hi anava quan em tocava, ja que els meus pares es van separar quan tenía 9 anys).

Penso en el CTB, però no sóc capaç d'abordar-lo, em fa moltíssima por plantejar-me'l seriosament, m'aterra. Tot i que reconec que és, de foma raonada, la millor opció que tinc. Però encara no ho puc fer, tot i saber que no hi ha realment cap solució a la meva situació (no hi han teràpies ni pastilles que t'ajudin a fer una vida desde cero sense salut física i mental).

La meva vida ja s'ha acabat i no ho vull acceptar, aquest és el problema.


Dec 1, 2022
I'm trying to feel hopeful about my future, but it's hard. I don't know if I made the right choice college-wise. I'm hoping to take a gap year so I can pursue research/work on my book but I don't think I'm strong enough as a writer to be published on either front. I feel too intimidated to ask my partner for help because he's a "professional writer" who has won awards for his books and the like. He is an angel. The only reason I'm alive. I constantly feel blessed to be in the presence of such a genius, never mind the fact he loves me too. But I'm still suicidal in spite of everything. I don't know if this will ever change.


the haru that can read
Apr 27, 2019
I am fucking livid.
Every single thing is a reminder that this world was not created to allow any sort of peace, justice or understanding for those in my position.
Even common distractions succeed at further alienating and insulting me.
I am at home nowhere…not least in my body.
I am so angry that I can’t even speak or make proper sense, I am so distraught about all that has happened to me and the things which started the domino effect from hell.
I hate nearly every person around me..because they are all the same in the one manner I cannot fucking stand no matter what..and they will never change, I hate them for contributing to the shallow ways of the world so casually and with no regard or respect for the disparity or my sort of suffering..or even me as a person.
I want them to live my life and then realize their folly.
Then I want to be put out of my misery.

I’m so damn tired. I want to sleep forever.


In limbo
Jul 23, 2020
While deleting random emails I accidentally came accross a difficult email from 2020. It was just one sentence. But it really affected me, reading that again was really difficult. Really got me back to the despair I experienced at the time. Now I can’t stop thinking about being in a similar situation or this sort of thing happening again. I wish I could erase what happened. I wish people would’ve been more understanding. But they weren’t and now I’m unable to ever feel safe again. Nor can I convince myself that things will turn out allright.


May 6, 2023
Isolated, cold and tired of existing. I've struggled to leave my room for the past few days, I don't want anyone to see me right now.
I wrote this earlier when I woke up the second time today, not much of a writer:

My room is so cold and dark.
I'm not sure if it's actually cold or if it's the atmosphere.
I hate my room though.
The coldness reminds me of how alone I am, how isolated and friendless my life has been.
My body is screaming at me to leave my bed.
My head pounds for me to not sleep any more.
I don't have a reason to get up.
I don't have a reason to leave my cold, dark room.
Don't know how much time I have at the place I am staying. Sent a message to my landlord and am waiting for thier response. Best case scenario, I get a notice to vacate in 10 days. I did everything I could, but due to the frequent burnouts and volitle nature of my job; I am currently living far beyond my means to support myself as it stand right now. I tried and I failed.
I hope you get better living conditions <3 that sounds very overwhelming and stressful
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