I became the lie I created online

[thaelyana]

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I was going to tell you something a little stupid at the base, but in the end I think I'm going to be a little more serious than expected.

I was 12. Just a regular kid , a little lonely, a little curious, a little lost. One day, I downloaded Clash of Clans, just a mobile game. I met some people, we started talking. And that's when everything started to change, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Very quickly, I created a fake persona. Another girl. She had a different name, a better life: rich family, perfect home, no problems. It was me, but better ? more interesting, more loved. I started lying. Constantly. I don't even know why.. it just came naturally. It felt safe. It felt good.

And then, to make the character feel even more "real," I started pretending she was sad. I made her say things like: "I'm tired of life," "I want to die," "I feel empty." At that point, I was fine in real life. I didn't feel any of it not truly.

But one day, I crossed a line. I became her. Somehow, by pretending to feel pain, by saying I was suicidal, by acting it out, I started actually feeling it. Like my brain couldn't tell the difference between the fake and the real anymore.

When I said "I'm not okay," I would feel not okay. When I made "sad faces" just for the role, I started feeling the sadness I was imitating. And I started living through these fake emotions — like they were mine. They weren't. But they became mine.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still trapped in that girl's mind. The one I invented. I don't know how to separate myself from her. Her sadness became my sadness. Her pain became my daily life. I live in a personality that I made up ,and I can't escape it.

And then there's social media. It makes everything worse.

Every time I scroll TikTok, every time I hear a sad song, or see videos of people sharing their pain, it drags me even deeper. I absorb everything. I cry over things that aren't mine. I think I'm someone who's easily influenced. And I'm starting to realize: maybe I don't actually want to die. Maybe I'm not really depressed.

Maybe I just don't know how to live outside of this identity I built. An identity made of sadness, fueled by posts, by videos, by music, by comments, by trends.

Even being on this forum right now : I can feel how it keeps pulling me back. I'm surrounded by people who are struggling hard, and somehow, I start aligning myself with them. Not out of cruelty, not out of mockery just because I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
And maybe I'm okay. Maybe I've been okay all along. But I've repeated the script so many times, nurtured this fake pain for so long, that it became the only truth I know. My only language.
My prison.

I built my entire self on a lie. And now the lie has consumed everything.

Sorry, I translated it — I hope it still makes sense.

 

[SadBumblebee]

The translation is very good. In regards to what you've said, it's definitely a thing I've heard of before. People might pretend to be someone else to escape or just for fun, but the longer you stay pretending the more you absorb into that character. If you want to get better, I strongly recommend pulling yourself out of those depressing TikToks. It might seem insensitive, but you should focus on yourself and not worry about others. You need to go into self-preservation mode. See if you can engage in activities you used to enjoy, see if you can gain pieces of yourself again. Even if they are just crumbs at the start, progress is progress.

 

[thaelyana]

@SadBumblebee TYSM
Honestly, you're really reassuring. I thought I was crazy, alone in my corner, because I've never found anyone who went through something like this… If you ever come across similar stories again, I'd honestly love to read them.
I've always felt like my sadness wasn't "legitimate," like it didn't really count. Because how can you feel like your pain is valid when there's no real reason behind it? When it all comes from a situation you invented yourself, years ago? Who would take that seriously?

And yet, I suffer. I suffer just as much as some people here. But because I know my pain comes from a character I created, I feel like an intruder. Like I don't have the right to be hurting. Like I don't belong here on this forum.

At the same time, I tell myself: if I ever did something stupid, like some people here have done… it would be a lifelong regret. Because deep down, I know I could have gotten out of it. I don't know — none of my problems are "real."

But that's exactly what makes it so hard: how do you heal something that doesn't really exist? How do you fix wounds caused by a life that was never real? You can't grab it, you can't face it, you can't prove it.

I try to make efforts — for example, with TikTok. As soon as I see that my feed is getting sad or depressing, I cut it off, because I know it'll affect me for weeks.
But I'm realizing just how dependent I am on all of it. I depend on social media. I depend on how others see me. I depend on a version of myself… that isn't even really me.

And I think that's what's slowly killing me.
Six years of this kind of sadness — it's a lot. Of course, during those six years, some bad things happened too. When I was 15, I got mildly bullied, but honestly, that didn't make things worse. It affected me in the moment, yes, but it didn't haunt me.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I was going to tell you something a little stupid at the base, but in the end I think I'm going to be a little more serious than expected.

I was 12. Just a regular kid , a little lonely, a little curious, a little lost. One day, I downloaded Clash of Clans, just a mobile game. I met some people, we started talking. And that's when everything started to change, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Very quickly, I created a fake persona. Another girl. She had a different name, a better life: rich family, perfect home, no problems. It was me, but better ? more interesting, more loved. I started lying. Constantly. I don't even know why.. it just came naturally. It felt safe. It felt good.

And then, to make the character feel even more "real," I started pretending she was sad. I made her say things like: "I'm tired of life," "I want to die," "I feel empty." At that point, I was fine in real life. I didn't feel any of it not truly.

But one day, I crossed a line. I became her. Somehow, by pretending to feel pain, by saying I was suicidal, by acting it out, I started actually feeling it. Like my brain couldn't tell the difference between the fake and the real anymore.

When I said "I'm not okay," I would feel not okay. When I made "sad faces" just for the role, I started feeling the sadness I was imitating. And I started living through these fake emotions — like they were mine. They weren't. But they became mine.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still trapped in that girl's mind. The one I invented. I don't know how to separate myself from her. Her sadness became my sadness. Her pain became my daily life. I live in a personality that I made up ,and I can't escape it.

And then there's social media. It makes everything worse.

Every time I scroll TikTok, every time I hear a sad song, or see videos of people sharing their pain, it drags me even deeper. I absorb everything. I cry over things that aren't mine. I think I'm someone who's easily influenced. And I'm starting to realize: maybe I don't actually want to die. Maybe I'm not really depressed.

Maybe I just don't know how to live outside of this identity I built. An identity made of sadness, fueled by posts, by videos, by music, by comments, by trends.

Even being on this forum right now : I can feel how it keeps pulling me back. I'm surrounded by people who are struggling hard, and somehow, I start aligning myself with them. Not out of cruelty, not out of mockery just because I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
And maybe I'm okay. Maybe I've been okay all along. But I've repeated the script so many times, nurtured this fake pain for so long, that it became the only truth I know. My only language.
My prison.

I built my entire self on a lie. And now the lie has consumed everything.

Sorry, I translated it — I hope it still makes sense.

I think this example illustrates how an identity can be programmed by you or other people.

I think this is what happened to me .

But I didn't create this identity. What did craete "me" is what i did every day for 15 hours per day every day watch TV watch TV, "youtube , social media, media, movies, news, sports, videos from ages 0 to 7 and from 0 to 18 then from 0 to now watch TV, "youtube , social media, media, movies, videos , news,


What am I? Nothing but the horrible false garbage i saw on youtube , social media, media, movies, videos , news,

 

[Scythe]

Is there anything that's actually making you sad? Aside from becoming the identity you made for yourself. If not can you revert what you did? It'd take time but I can see it working.

For social media, I find that when I find something is unhealthy. Deleting it and having to redownload it makes me lose interest a bit. Doing it in the moment helps, like if you're sad or angry at whatever app. It's easier to delete it.

 

[Vivissa]

Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks for taking time for write all of those. I have a very close friend that have done similar things you did, I am figuring out how to help her... But she doesn't want to open, she is afraid of me and try to tell lies... Thank you <3

 

[Wolf Girl]

I think this phenomenon is called "behavioral activation." It's the main idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is good news for you, OP, because it is possible that behavioral activation can help you reverse your depression!! It's possible you can teach yourself to be happy. I would recommend trying to find a CBT therapist or looking up some CBT worksheets online.

 

[thaelyana]

I don't want to be insensitive, but no one else said it yet:
With all due respect, you're 18. You have not built your entire self on a lie. At your age, you can't possibly and truly understand yourself yet. The only solution is time

That's exactly the problem.
I didn't start building my identity on a lie at 40 .. I did it at 12. At an age when the brain is still developing, when you're extremely impressionable, and every experience can leave a deep mark. It wasn't "just a game" — it became the foundation I built my entire adolescence on.

Saying "you're 18, you don't know yourself yet" doesn't change the fact that I've been living with a false identity for 6 years with made-up emotions that eventually became real. This isn't just some phase, lol.

You don't wake up at 25 suddenly knowing who you are. We build ourselves little by little. And for me, that process was skewed from the start. That's what makes it so hard…

No I don't take it badly, if I write here it's to get opinions don't worry it's nice!! Thanks

I think this phenomenon is called "behavioral activation." It's the main idea behind Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This is good news for you, OP, because it is possible that behavioral activation can help you reverse your depression!! It's possible you can teach yourself to be happy. I would recommend trying to find a CBT therapist or looking up some CBT worksheets online.

Thank you so much, that really reassures me. I suspected it was something long to work through, but knowing it's reversible gives me hope. Putting a name to what I'm experiencing helps me feel a little less lost. I'm going to look more into cognitive behavioral therapy. Really, thank you for your response, it means a lot to me. love

I think this example illustrates how an identity can be programmed by you or other people.

I think this is what happened to me .

But I didn't create this identity. What did craete "me" is what i did every day for 15 hours per day every day watch TV watch TV, "youtube , social media, media, movies, news, sports, videos from ages 0 to 7 and from 0 to 18 then from 0 to now watch TV, "youtube , social media, media, movies, videos , news,


What am I? Nothing but the horrible false garbage i saw on youtube , social media, media, movies, videos , news,

Thank you for sharing your story. Thanks for taking time for write all of those. I have a very close friend that have done similar things you did, I am figuring out how to help her... But she doesn't want to open, she is afraid of me and try to tell lies... Thank you <3

Yes finally I am not an isolated case. We build ourselves on something false .. difficult to destroy a house to live in another lol TY

For social media, I find that when I find something is unhealthy. Deleting it and having to redownload it makes me lose interest a bit. Doing it in the moment helps, like if you're sad or angry at whatever app. It's easier to delete it.

Nothing makes me sad, no reason to be sad. It's terrible, isn't it? Lol THANK YOU for your advice and I agree

 

[happilyneverafter]

@SadBumblebee TYSM
Honestly, you're really reassuring. I thought I was crazy, alone in my corner, because I've never found anyone who went through something like this… If you ever come across similar stories again, I'd honestly love to read them.
I've always felt like my sadness wasn't "legitimate," like it didn't really count. Because how can you feel like your pain is valid when there's no real reason behind it? When it all comes from a situation you invented yourself, years ago? Who would take that seriously?

And yet, I suffer. I suffer just as much as some people here. But because I know my pain comes from a character I created, I feel like an intruder. Like I don't have the right to be hurting. Like I don't belong here on this forum.

At the same time, I tell myself: if I ever did something stupid, like some people here have done… it would be a lifelong regret. Because deep down, I know I could have gotten out of it. I don't know — none of my problems are "real."

But that's exactly what makes it so hard: how do you heal something that doesn't really exist? How do you fix wounds caused by a life that was never real? You can't grab it, you can't face it, you can't prove it.

I try to make efforts — for example, with TikTok. As soon as I see that my feed is getting sad or depressing, I cut it off, because I know it'll affect me for weeks.
But I'm realizing just how dependent I am on all of it. I depend on social media. I depend on how others see me. I depend on a version of myself… that isn't even really me.

And I think that's what's slowly killing me.
Six years of this kind of sadness — it's a lot. Of course, during those six years, some bad things happened too. When I was 15, I got mildly bullied, but honestly, that didn't make things worse. It affected me in the moment, yes, but it didn't haunt me.

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I was going to tell you something a little stupid at the base, but in the end I think I'm going to be a little more serious than expected.

I was 12. Just a regular kid , a little lonely, a little curious, a little lost. One day, I downloaded Clash of Clans, just a mobile game. I met some people, we started talking. And that's when everything started to change, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Very quickly, I created a fake persona. Another girl. She had a different name, a better life: rich family, perfect home, no problems. It was me, but better ? more interesting, more loved. I started lying. Constantly. I don't even know why.. it just came naturally. It felt safe. It felt good.

And then, to make the character feel even more "real," I started pretending she was sad. I made her say things like: "I'm tired of life," "I want to die," "I feel empty." At that point, I was fine in real life. I didn't feel any of it not truly.

But one day, I crossed a line. I became her. Somehow, by pretending to feel pain, by saying I was suicidal, by acting it out, I started actually feeling it. Like my brain couldn't tell the difference between the fake and the real anymore.

When I said "I'm not okay," I would feel not okay. When I made "sad faces" just for the role, I started feeling the sadness I was imitating. And I started living through these fake emotions — like they were mine. They weren't. But they became mine.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still trapped in that girl's mind. The one I invented. I don't know how to separate myself from her. Her sadness became my sadness. Her pain became my daily life. I live in a personality that I made up ,and I can't escape it.

And then there's social media. It makes everything worse.

Every time I scroll TikTok, every time I hear a sad song, or see videos of people sharing their pain, it drags me even deeper. I absorb everything. I cry over things that aren't mine. I think I'm someone who's easily influenced. And I'm starting to realize: maybe I don't actually want to die. Maybe I'm not really depressed.

Maybe I just don't know how to live outside of this identity I built. An identity made of sadness, fueled by posts, by videos, by music, by comments, by trends.

Even being on this forum right now : I can feel how it keeps pulling me back. I'm surrounded by people who are struggling hard, and somehow, I start aligning myself with them. Not out of cruelty, not out of mockery just because I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
And maybe I'm okay. Maybe I've been okay all along. But I've repeated the script so many times, nurtured this fake pain for so long, that it became the only truth I know. My only language.
My prison.

I built my entire self on a lie. And now the lie has consumed everything.

Sorry, I translated it — I hope it still makes sense.

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I was going to tell you something a little stupid at the base, but in the end I think I'm going to be a little more serious than expected.

I was 12. Just a regular kid , a little lonely, a little curious, a little lost. One day, I downloaded Clash of Clans, just a mobile game. I met some people, we started talking. And that's when everything started to change, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Very quickly, I created a fake persona. Another girl. She had a different name, a better life: rich family, perfect home, no problems. It was me, but better ? more interesting, more loved. I started lying. Constantly. I don't even know why.. it just came naturally. It felt safe. It felt good.

And then, to make the character feel even more "real," I started pretending she was sad. I made her say things like: "I'm tired of life," "I want to die," "I feel empty." At that point, I was fine in real life. I didn't feel any of it not truly.

But one day, I crossed a line. I became her. Somehow, by pretending to feel pain, by saying I was suicidal, by acting it out, I started actually feeling it. Like my brain couldn't tell the difference between the fake and the real anymore.

When I said "I'm not okay," I would feel not okay. When I made "sad faces" just for the role, I started feeling the sadness I was imitating. And I started living through these fake emotions — like they were mine. They weren't. But they became mine.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still trapped in that girl's mind. The one I invented. I don't know how to separate myself from her. Her sadness became my sadness. Her pain became my daily life. I live in a personality that I made up ,and I can't escape it.

And then there's social media. It makes everything worse.

Every time I scroll TikTok, every time I hear a sad song, or see videos of people sharing their pain, it drags me even deeper. I absorb everything. I cry over things that aren't mine. I think I'm someone who's easily influenced. And I'm starting to realize: maybe I don't actually want to die. Maybe I'm not really depressed.

Maybe I just don't know how to live outside of this identity I built. An identity made of sadness, fueled by posts, by videos, by music, by comments, by trends.

Even being on this forum right now : I can feel how it keeps pulling me back. I'm surrounded by people who are struggling hard, and somehow, I start aligning myself with them. Not out of cruelty, not out of mockery just because I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
And maybe I'm okay. Maybe I've been okay all along. But I've repeated the script so many times, nurtured this fake pain for so long, that it became the only truth I know. My only language.
My prison.

I built my entire self on a lie. And now the lie has consumed everything.

Sorry, I translated it — I hope it still makes sense.

Studies say that it takes 18-254 days for a habit to be formed or broken with an average of 66 days. Studies also show that someone who constantly and consistently tells themselves they are worthless or stupid can have detrimental effects on one's mental health and confidence, where negative beliefs about one's self can and often does lead to behaviors and outcomes the reinforce those beliefs creating a vicious cycle. Maybe you should try staying off of TikTok and other social media sites where you find yourself creating these "fake persona's". Just like it took time for bad habits to form it will take time to change those bad or negative behaviors and habits to something more positive. This is just my opinion.. but if you feel like you want to live and change the way you feel then make an appointment with a mental health professional. They will be more likely able to give you the tools and knowledge you need to make the changes you desire.

 

[boomsocknick]

It's possible that you would've only come up with the fake identity being sad idea if you had it in you already. Or at least, you would only have come to identify with the fake sadness if you were actually sad. Hard to say

 

[thaelyana]

It's possible that you would've only come up with the fake identity being sad idea if you had it in you already. Or at least, you would only have come to identify with the fake sadness if you were actually sad. Hard to say

I don't understand

 

[boomsocknick]

I don't understand

As in you wouldn't have become a fictional suicidal character unless you were already suicidal deep down. Maybe that's a more depressing thought, idk

 

[Manfrotto99]

Could it be at all possible that you were dissatisfied or depressed with life, yet you may of felt bad because in your eyes you thought you had no legitimate reason to feel that way? so you created a false persona in an attempt to escape, yet in doing so you also created a reason to justify to yourself wuy you feel that way? Just my thoughts, nothing more.

We all wear masks at times and many people live their lives consumed in them without any awareness. We either give them to ourselves or allow others to put them on us by believing in what they say and do, then before we know it we've lost ourselves completely in the process. There is alot of power in words and thoughts, they have power to become our reality, our truth...who we are.

But you are aware, you and not blinded anymore. It shows just how powerful you really are! You created the mask and so you can take it off and put on another of your choosing. It just wont be easy though and will require a lot of self discipline and perseverance. The old way will try and bring you back, so you will proberbly need to cut off ties to it and do new things that help build a new more authentic you. Try to build up a support group and surround yourself with things that encourage you, build yourself up and speak words that bring life and happiness. It might be a battle with yourself, with your mask, take time, be patient with ypurself. You have the power to do it and you will be a wiser person in the process.

 

[harmunee]

Hello, I hope you are doing well. I was going to tell you something a little stupid at the base, but in the end I think I'm going to be a little more serious than expected.

I was 12. Just a regular kid , a little lonely, a little curious, a little lost. One day, I downloaded Clash of Clans, just a mobile game. I met some people, we started talking. And that's when everything started to change, even though I didn't realize it at the time.

Very quickly, I created a fake persona. Another girl. She had a different name, a better life: rich family, perfect home, no problems. It was me, but better ? more interesting, more loved. I started lying. Constantly. I don't even know why.. it just came naturally. It felt safe. It felt good.

And then, to make the character feel even more "real," I started pretending she was sad. I made her say things like: "I'm tired of life," "I want to die," "I feel empty." At that point, I was fine in real life. I didn't feel any of it not truly.

But one day, I crossed a line. I became her. Somehow, by pretending to feel pain, by saying I was suicidal, by acting it out, I started actually feeling it. Like my brain couldn't tell the difference between the fake and the real anymore.

When I said "I'm not okay," I would feel not okay. When I made "sad faces" just for the role, I started feeling the sadness I was imitating. And I started living through these fake emotions — like they were mine. They weren't. But they became mine.

Now, 6 years later, I'm still trapped in that girl's mind. The one I invented. I don't know how to separate myself from her. Her sadness became my sadness. Her pain became my daily life. I live in a personality that I made up ,and I can't escape it.

And then there's social media. It makes everything worse.

Every time I scroll TikTok, every time I hear a sad song, or see videos of people sharing their pain, it drags me even deeper. I absorb everything. I cry over things that aren't mine. I think I'm someone who's easily influenced. And I'm starting to realize: maybe I don't actually want to die. Maybe I'm not really depressed.

Maybe I just don't know how to live outside of this identity I built. An identity made of sadness, fueled by posts, by videos, by music, by comments, by trends.

Even being on this forum right now : I can feel how it keeps pulling me back. I'm surrounded by people who are struggling hard, and somehow, I start aligning myself with them. Not out of cruelty, not out of mockery just because I don't know how to be anything else anymore.
And maybe I'm okay. Maybe I've been okay all along. But I've repeated the script so many times, nurtured this fake pain for so long, that it became the only truth I know. My only language.
My prison.

I built my entire self on a lie. And now the lie has consumed everything.

Sorry, I translated it — I hope it still makes sense.

you have a powerful sense of curiosity and desire for self awareness. i'm rooting for you