I keep drowning in regrets and anxiety, and I've again lost my will to live. Honestly whenever I hear about someone dying prematurely, I get insanely jealous. But I was just prescribed lithium and maybe this'll decrease my suicidality for a time? Not that I think that'll suddenly make me appreciate living but being suicidal 24/7 is exhausting, y'know? But I don't see much hope of that and so more than anything I just want to die. I hate the person I am more than anything. Take away the regrets and the anxiety and what's left is the same incompetent mess, there's just no hope for me, really - in anything.
And even now why do I still feel so wary about acquiring resources, when doing so is so easy? Survival instinct or procrastination? The irony - the thing that is the bane of my existence and has led to so many regrets and even played in a part in making my life a living hell for well over a decade (procrastination) is also keeping me alive to undergo this misery.
For a moment earlier today I almost felt at peace knowing I was finally about to make plans after almost a year of obsessively wanting to die (coming after well over a decade of casually hoping) - I even wrote a note - but now that I feel wary about it again, I'm back to square one. More suicidal in fact. I wonder if that makes any sense.
I feel like the regrets would potentially be easier to keep at bay if I had something to get excited about, and with that could come new perspective, but whenever I do potentially get excited about something the anxiety comes full swing which exacerbates my ideation again. So I dunno what to do.
I know inpatient is usually for keeping people safe, but does that apply to me if I don't actually have resources to ctb, thus I'm not actually physically unsafe as much as I am just traumatized by living with my mind? I have a psychiatrist (though no therapist atm) so it's not like I need to be stabilized per se - or maybe I do? Again, like I said, I'd rather just be dead, but I keep procrastinating and so I wonder if it's maybe a good idea just to get better. Have the summer to fix my mental health. Try not to worry about the money it'd cost because my parents would most definitely prefer I'm alive.
However I'm at the point where I don't have much capacity to make their feelings a priority anymore even though objectively I know my death would sting to say the least and potentially change their lives forever. If I were in a better headspace I would feel this more viscerally but right now I can't force myself to care.
BTW if anyone has resonated with my comments here and wants to chat you can always send me a DM.
