Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[ICan'tThink]

i wish that everything could just stop

 

[didn't-it-rain]

i want to obliterate myself into nonexistence

everything just feels so insurmountable

 

[charlotte_]

a bit better today, still struggling w communicate abt my emotions tho

 

[BringMeToLife]

I feel nothing. I just am, wanting to watch some series = waste time because why not? Nothing's gonna happen, nothing happens, so boring, I feel so useless, why am I even here? What I'm doing in my life is go to work, go back home watch netflix. I eat, drink, sleep. So much waste. Somebody else could eat the food I ate today and use it. Get energy from it, do some things that actually mean anything. Oh, I feel depressed, so useless, I'm a shit, I'm like a parasite, like a snail eating your favourite plant. I bring nothing. I have nothing to give.

 

[didn't-it-rain]

i want to obliterate myself into nonexistence

everything just feels so insurmountable

and now when i think about how my family would react, i suddenly feel nothing. if this persists - well, it's one hurdle down.

 

[CTB Dream]

This all loop tortur all day worse all day pain sffr ,, species no care species make force sffr incrs sffr

 

[friendofbirds]

i really want to run away, to take the train as far as it can take me. i've had such good news too and good things going on in my life. i don't know what's wrong with me

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired this species all figt no empth no undrstnd, ppl sprfcl no see sffr only outer

 

[Myers]

I feel horrible today. I can't leave my bed , my room is a mess , I'm not eating well or taking care of myself well . I feel tired , I feel exhausted and angry. I want to meet new people , maybe people who I can talk with but since I'm really shy I find it super hard to make friends or keep a conversation going (It might also be because I have Aspergers)
Sometimes I wish I was born Neurotypical.

 

[didn't-it-rain]

and now when i think about how my family would react, i suddenly feel nothing. if this persists - well, it's one hurdle down.

but i guess survival instinct is still a hurdle. i went into the tub and closed the lid, intending to - well, seeing if i would be able to - tug a few cords around my windpipe and suffocate/drown, but i could barely last a second with my head underwater. this makes me think that if I did purchase SN (surely the easier way to go) and did drink a glass, I'd immediately call poison control. so that's clearly not ideal.

i did just purchase a PO box yesterday for the sake of ordering SN, but who knows if I'll actually set it up now. i don't want to kill myself in my parents' apartment, either. i guess it's always a trade-off: if i do it in the woods, i can either do it so remotely that i would force people to go through the pain of having to locate me, or (possibly?) traumatize a stranger who happens to find me. but if SVU is accurate (probably not entirely), people come across dead bodies all the time... idk, no method is perfect, sadly.

i realize that - and not trying to assume anything about other peoples' experience, btw, only mine - with the pain i'm in i can't necessarily trust my own judgment. but i also didn't think i'd live this long to begin with. i thought that maybe group therapy was a good idea, but at this point i'm just so embarrassed about my own pain that i don't think i'd be courageous enough to share, and hearing peoples' stories would just make me feel worse about my own

i just don't see how this'll come to pass. i mean, it always does, but only for a time. medication doesn't seem to help me anymore in the long-term. i think i've just given up.

 

[Itz_d3p]

It's hard to identify wich feeling I have right now but mostly tired even if I sleep well and don't do anything all day, you know that feeling when everything is kind of more difficult to do. Also a bit disappointed of myself for doing sh again even though I don't regret it. It's not that bad.

 

[Zegers]

Running in circles

 

[Dead Horse]

Those moments of hope are the worst, because they are so unrealistic. There is no hope for me, but my stupid brain can't deal with it so it's still trying to find it.

 

[StolenLife]

I need help. I don't feel safe inside my home or anywhere else I need a hug I need to not be scared and anxious anymore I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared.

 

[Tyrone Slothrop]

Sub-par. All the habits which I had spent months building, and picking myself back up every time I fell down have collapsed just because my sleep schedule has gone to shit

 

[friendofbirds]

im tired of being disabled

 

[didn't-it-rain]

In general I have just had the worst day. I woke up thinking/hoping it'd be a bit better today, but nope. I honestly just don't see any reason to live any longer. Even if I somehow get my ruminating/regrets under control and am even able to re-contextualize it (probably with the help of medication, not that it's been doing much for me recently), I also have to cope with the fact that I'm almost completely incompetent and, well, dumb as hell, and in that sense the future is hopeless. And as I said before, I can't bring myself to even care about the collateral damage anymore. But now CCS is down (for god knows how long) :-(

(To an outside observer who doesn't know me, I wonder if my vague reasons sound shallow. I assure you, I've wanted to be dead for years now, it just feels more real these days...)

It's true I was getting so anxious about whether to order or not, so at least now it seems like the decision's been taken out of my hands so in theory this means less ruminating about this decision, and I think in the end SN would not have been ideal seeing as I'm so prone to anxiety attacks, but it doesn't feel like a win as there's one less option for me now. It feels like a cruel god wants to keep me alive or something. I think my main options now are finding a steep, vertical cliff to slide off of (bc jumping would take too much fortitude) or purchasing a gun, either from a gun show or online - both of which takes way too much work. Same with trying to purchase fentanyl from the dark web. Shame how the moments I'm most motivated to die are the moments I feel least motivated to seek out the resources to do so. I know I could do the work when I'm feeling in a better headspace, but in those moments it just feels weird to try to acquire resources to ctb. Ugh.

Also, I acknowledge there's no need for me to apologize, but maybe these essay-length posts would be better posted somewhere else...

I need help. I don't feel safe inside my home or anywhere else I need a hug I need to not be scared and anxious anymore I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared.

Are you physically unsafe or otherwise in danger right now?

 

[charlotte_]

Everytime l thought life would get better, it hit me right back. Some days have been peaceful, but at the end, all I can feel is hopelessness and this horrible heavy feeling that don't seem to go away. Everything and everyone irritates me. I feel tired all the time. But ofc, can't do shit abt it bcz I have no access to methods and probably too much of a coward to take any actions. I'm tired of this, I hope I just suddenly die out of nowhere, without even knowing

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Another day of procrastination to add to the weeks, months and years. I've had every opportunity to work on things and actually get something done, but I haven't. I used to think that there would be some point at which the pressure would become too unbearable and it would shock me into action. Now I'm pretty convinced nothing will get me to act and make me actually improve my life. Instead I will just keep digging this hole and going deeper and deeper into dysfunction. I just want it all to end.

 

[unnormal9]

A failure for backing out of hanging the other day.

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

I need help. I don't feel safe inside my home or anywhere else I need a hug I need to not be scared and anxious anymore I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared.

Is there anyone you can contact to help you get to somewhere safe?

 

[StolenLife]

Is there anyone you can contact to help you get to somewhere safe?

Yes, I'll move to another city for Uni but my family will have to stay behind in this unsafe home. I have to work hard to get them out of here. Thank you for caring.

 

[Lullaby]

It sounds ridiculous, but I always have this slight hope that maybe there's a God or something that really exists and as I keep inching closer to the edge, it'll finally talk to me…I keep begging for some sign or reason to make sense of all of this. I think I've cried myself to sleep every night this week so far doing that.

Then I woke up this morning and read about the crush in Yemen. So many poor people and children dead over trying to get money that was the equivalent of $8…then I'm just like, there's no way. There's no way what I'm hoping for exists when there's stuff like this happening around the world.

It made me kind of panic again because the reality sets back in that I'm really alone. There's no miracle that's going to happen, especially after struggling for over a decade.

I have to accept that this is my life, or leave…and it's so suffocating because I really don't want to, but I hate my life and how the world treats me. Just wish this was easier.

 

[Anonymus]

This coming Sunday is Sant Jordi where I live... it is as powerful a day as Christmas can be, although of a different nature, and all concentrated in one day (not like the Christmas vacations).

At home we'll be unhappy again because I don't want to take part... I won't give my mother a rose or a book... I won't even leave the house to feel the atmosphere (it's different from Christmas, Christmas doesn't I don't like it at all and on the other hand Sant Jordi makes me feel sad in a different way).

Years ago I used to love that day, I used to go to the malls to see what the latest publishing novelties were and I used to drool over fantasy books or picture books, or comics and manga... I can't read them anymore....

It's a nice day but it makes me feel very sad.

//

Aquest proper diumenge és Sant Jordi allà on visc... és un día tant potent com ho pugui ser el Nadal, tot i que d'una altre naturalesa, i tot concentrat en un sol día (no com les vacances de Nadal).

A casa tornarem a estar a disgust perquè no hi vull participar.. no li regalaré cap rosa ni llibre a la meva mare.. tampoc sortiré de casa a notar l'ambient que es respira (és diferent del Nadal, el Nadal no m'agrada gens i en canvi Sant Jordi em fa sentir trist d'una altre manera).

Fa anys m'agradava molt aquest día, anava als centres comercials a veure quines eren les últimes novetats editorials i se'm queia la baba amb els llibres de fantasia o els d'il·lustracions, o còmics i mangas... ja no puc llegir-los...

És un día maco però em fa sentir molt trist.

 

[charlotte_]

Horrible headache. That's all I can say really. Today isn't bad, but I feel tired

 

[𖣴 nadia 𖣴]

Yes, I'll move to another city for Uni but my family will have to stay behind in this unsafe home. I have to work hard to get them out of here. Thank you for caring.

I thought someone was hurting you at home, it sounds like your house is structurally unsafe? I'm guessing it's not possible for your family to stay temporarily in a motel or live with neighbours or other family? That's a lot of pressure on you, do you have anything you can take for anxiety to help you cope while you're in uni?

 

[Lullaby]

My therapist told me today she's leaving in a few weeks, and I'm pretty devastated...I've worked with so many therapists, and it was so nice to finally have one I felt comfortable talking to about literally anything, with no judgments. Now, I have to start this entire process over again without someone else and I have no idea if they'll be okay or worse. It's a little triggering because this happens with everyone, including friends. Really tired of letting down my walls and being abandoned.

 

[heartbroken12]

Tired… I want a hug and I want to die

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired all, all same stay sffr all dtriort, also no able do any see time move me no do any, need leave life

 

[savoytruffle]

defeated deflated