Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[charlotte_]

disappointed at the fact that the things i create aren't as good as i thought they are

 

[treasurehunt]

How scared i am to die. And how sad I am to realize that I might never have the peaceful death i once thought I'd have. I'm just sad for me.

 

[CTB Dream]

This v hot wthr wat do keep sfct this awful hot add injury damage

 

[Valky]

Feeling really empty right now. Don't wanna do anything, don't even wanna sleep. It would be nice to be able to just log yourself off from existence for a few hours every now and then and get back in once you are ready again.

I am looking forward to my holidays being over so I can finally do some other stuff instead of just being in my room all day. It makes me want to smoke all the time even tho smoking multiple cigarettes at a time doesn't make the feeling of wanting to smoke go away which is damn annoying. I crave nicotine no matter if I am smoking or not.

 

[bluebird16]

Frustrated. Depressed. Empty. Foolish.

 

[voc_89]

a little bit better. Towed my car to the mechanic to get it screened for damages. The ride was okay. The mechanic was supportive and kind. Even though I was acting like a complete crazy person (not like blowing up but erratic and lost/confused). Fingers crossed that the cost for repairs is 5000 or less. And the person who hit me... that their insurance doesn't play the fool. Else I am back to square one. Hopelessness.

 

[nerve]

ready to be done with this entire universe

 

[juxtajuno]

empty. i know the end is soon but i feel nothing.

 

[ShadowsFall]

In the middle of trying to fix a financial crisis as quickly as possible before it reaches cataclysmic levels. Unfortunately, chaos currently has a punt gun mere inches from the back of my head; and is laughing hysterically.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired all not want exst not want see human species

 

[Lullaby]

Had no idea it was going to be so warm today, and went out with a hoodie on.

I was completely drenched in sweat by the time and had to stop back home to take a shower.

I ended up in the elevator with these two younger girls. One of them whispered how horrible I smelt and they both laughed about it as if I couldn't hear them literally right next to me.

Definitely shouldn't be so ticked off by two 12 year old kids, but it made me feel like crap. It just reminded me of being bullied when I was their age, for any reason.

Yesterday, I was in the supermarket and bumped into this woman by accident. After I apologized, she screamed at me so watch where I was fucking going.

I've already been so emotionally fragile, and it feels like there's always something waiting to make me feel shitty when I'm trying my best to get through the day.

Really tired of trying to fit into the world when I get treated like trash; no matter if I'm at my worst or my best. Feels like there's an invisible sign on my forehead I can't see…

This really is the only place where I can be around others who I can relate to and understand me.

 

[hwaiting]

Saw this video title that said "you can't logic your way out of depression," which hit a chord with me. I'm a very logical person, and have been the foil to my best friend who's a deeply emotional person. Not that I don't feel emotions, it's more of how we express those emotions. I'd listen to them when they're spiraling, reassure them that they are definitely loved and aren't a burden to everyone around them, etc.

Sometimes I think of myself as a hypocrite because I don't follow any of the advice I give. For every irrational/depressive thought I've had, I've thought of the logical response. The things I say to myself are objectively wrong, which makes me feel pretty stupid because that's what they are: irrational thoughts. It almost resembles gaslighting, honestly, the way I've invalidated almost everything I've felt. Obviously, it's not that easy to undo a lifetime of self-hatred and low self-esteem.

When I take anti-depressants, when I go to therapy, often I think to myself that I'm treating the symptoms, but never the disease. My therapist said that most often, even when you try to work on yourself, the core belief wins. And that's it, really. Core beliefs from a lifetime of being failed by my parents and myself.

I've heard that the early stages of your life define who you become for the rest of your life. Not to say that I haven't changed, I'm a much different, hopefully better person than I was. But again, the core beliefs, and the feeling that this part of me will never change.

I can get better at treating the symptoms over time, dressing the wounds, making sure they don't get infected, not picking the scabs so they can scar over cleanly, but of course scars never heal. They're your body's attempts to fill the gaps, but it's fundamentally lost a part of itself that will never be the same. And I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that, the idea of living like this for the rest of my life when I've always hung onto the hope of 'getting better.'

 

[gardenofaphrodite]

Stressed, poor, depressed & unmotivated to do anything I enjoy.

 

[charlotte_]

feeling alright, kind of distressed and anxious abt the future tho

 

[CTB Dream]

This lif all awful teuor mchn, put slave vege potat flesh me , this end

 

[Holu]

This lif all awful teuor mchn, put slave vege potat flesh me , this end

Not related to the topic, but I see your name under a post and I read. Your posts are too pure for this world

 

[Toy]

There's so many doctors and specialists experimenting on me since I am disabled and all I feel like is a lab rat right now. All of my plans just have to do with the hospital. I have myself to blame partially since I didn't look into my own health sooner, but now, I am just being put through test after test. I'm so dizzy and tired, I just want to sleep forever.

 

[Anonymus]

Why don't I do the CTB?

I guess in my particular case (and that means it's not extrapolable to any other forum member) it's easy, if I don't have enough courage to live I have less to kill myself.

I keep looking at things on the net that make me excited, even though I know I will never be able to enjoy them.. for example I look at university degrees when I know that anxiety will not let me study and that I can't stand to interact regularly with other people... I keep doing job search when I know it is impossible for me to take on the tasks they propose me... I told my mother to buy me a box of chocolate chip cookies and a potato omelette more than a week ago and I still don't dare to try them, I'm afraid (and my mother will have to eat them).

I want a Playstation 5... but I am unable to play current systems and I have unopened or unreleased games from years ago.

I have managed to get access to Adobe Creative Cloud and Office 365 and I am blocked and I don't know how to use them... it makes me sad because I have drawing skills and I knew how to use these programs until a few years ago.. and now I can not.

I want to say that I don't give more of me, there is no more, I only have illusion and hope for things that I want to enjoy but I really can't, I'm totally annulled.

There are days that I can not write in the forum and others I can do it without problems (and sometimes it happens to me in the same day either morning or afternoon).

And the CTB is the same, I literally don't have enough strength even to propose myself seriously... it's as if I don't care about anything, my life, my death... I've been very strange for a long time, I care less and less about everything.

And I reread what I just wrote and I think "is this the life that a man who is already 45 years old aspires to, I'm really pathetic".

Yes, it's pathetic that the only incentive a 45 year old man has to keep on living is his hobbies... no wonder the idea of suicide has taken such a strong hold on me in the last few years.

//

Per què no faig el CTB?

Suposo que en el meu cas particular (i això vol dir que no és extrapolable a cap altre membre del fòrum) és fàcil, si no tinc prou valentía per viure menys la tinc per matar-me.

Continuo mirant coses a la xarxa que em fan il·lusió, tot i que se que no les podré gaudir mai.. per exemple miro els graus universitaris quan se que l'ansietat no em deixarà estudiar i que no soporto relacionar-me regularment amb altres persones.. continuo fent cerca de feina quan se que és impossible que pugui assumir les tasques que em proposin... li vaig dir a la meva mare que em comprés una capsa de galetes de xocolata i una truïta de patates fa més d'una setmana i encara no me atrevit a tastar-les, em fa por (i se les haurà de menjar la meva mare).

Vull una Playstation 5.. però sóc incapaç de jugar als sistemes actuals i tinc jocs sense obrir o estrenar de fa anys.

He aconseguit tenir accés a l'Adobe Creative Cloud i a l'Office 365 i em bloquejo i no se com fer-los servir.. em fa pena perquè jo tinc coneixements de dibuix i sabía fer servir aquests programes fins fa pocs anys.. i ara no puc.

Vull dir que no dono més de mi, no hi ha més, només em queda il·lusió i esperança per coses que vull gaudir però que realment no puc, estic totalment anul·lat.

Hi ha dies que no puc escriure al fòrum i d'altres puc fer-ho sense problemes (i de vegades em passa en un mateix día sigui matí o tarda)

I el CTB és el mateix, no tinc, literalment, prou força ni per proposar-m'ho seriosament... es com si tot em donés igual, la meva vida, la meva mort.. estic molt estrany fa temps, cada cop m'importa tot menys.

I rellegeixo el que acabo d'escriure i penso "aquesta és la vida a la que aspira un home que ja te 45 anys?, sóc realment patétic".

Doncs si, és penós que els únics alicients que tingui un home de 45 anys per seguir vivint siguin les seves aficions.. no m'extranya que la idea del suïcidi hagi arrelat tant fort en mi els últims anys.

 

[drmihilo]

Fear. I am faced with the choice of suicide, which means causing suffering to my family. It's a crazy joke that the universe gives you a choice between suffering your own and the suffering of others.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly tired, think ctb247

 

[charlotte_]

numb and tired, I want to give up on everything and just disappear

 

[ShadowsFall]

Exhausted from work yesterday and have very little energy right now. Still need to get caught up on the bills and even though I don't want to, im on my way to work. Also not looking forward to working overnight due to some uncomfortable encounters and experiences.

 

[CTB Dream]

This all trap, no able do any stuck this awful world awful universe ,hope one day sleep no wake

 

[Aesthetic guy]

every day passes... it gets harder to carry on... one day I'll be crushed under this burden...

 

[Zegers]

Awash in anxiety

 

[leloyon]

I want to blow myself up with a grenade. I wish I had a grenade. I don't know why a grenade specifically, I would never be able to get one.
Maybe I just want to totally destroy myself. Leave nothing left. I need to leave the house today but I don't want to.
It'll pass. I probably won't CTB in any capacity anytime soon. But god damn do I feel like it. Yesterday it was to stab my own throat with a knife, I wonder what method my mind will supply for me tomorrow.

 

[unnormal9]

Physical pain and chronic fatigue.

 

[charlotte_]

i think im going insane. all i can feel now is an intense feeling of self hate and despair. i hate this disgusting self of mine and this cruel world. genuinely wish i could just somehow disappear rn

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly need lv lif ,this ppl stonage no undrstnd ,have illne have injury damage nobod know nonod see all awful wish never exst

 

[painfulwords]

emptiness tbh