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Mar 9, 2022
I just can't win.

I'm living at home with my mom and it's like walking through a minefield because she's verbally/physically abusive and paranoid.

I've been on a list for housing for the last couple of years and I only move a few spots every 6 months. Last week, I found the email of the head coordinator and wrote her a long message explaining my everything.

She replied back to ask more about my housing situation. I was pretty hopeful that would lead somewhere, but she responded this morning that she can't prioritize me based off of that…

My therapist just left, I keep getting rejected for jobs; I'm just so tired of fighting and getting nowhere. I turn 30 next year and nothing in my life has changed.


🎼 Achilles Come Down
May 5, 2023
I've done terribly little the past few days, but I'm so exhausted that I really can't function or even think properly. I just want to reach my days off already so I can finally catch up on sleep and return to normal... It's already hard enough for me to find the energy to get things done, this is just truly unbearable overkill.

I suppose I'll just go to bed early and hope tonight is the night I finally get some real sleep. I can't wait to be over this infection.


Sep 12, 2022
like melting from top to bottom i don't want to be anymore all i do is exist as a disappointment and every day i just feel anxious and stressed what's the point in this cycle i feel tortured i can't do this anymore i can't wait to just melt away it would be so easy just to do that and not be here anymore i'm slowly losing myself i can't even step into my home without feeling like i'm about to die i'm always just in fear and panic i cant be happy if i'm happy that's bad my family does not like when i experience good and i just can't do this anymore i'm not allowed to be okay i can't do this


The Songs of Distant Earth.
Sep 18, 2022
That everything I do is pointless.

What's the point of trying to better myself if I'm always going to be mentally defunct anyway? I have a severe drinking problem, so why have I stopped? Why not just let the alcohol run its course and finish me off? Why did I started working out again? What's the point?

I'm completely lost, but I keep it all inside because I don't want anybody worrying about me.

It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. This is when the demons are at their worst.


Memento Mori/Помни о смерти
May 10, 2023
Helplessness. There is no way out of this shit. No one will ever understand me, I am just a burden for my family.
My diseases will never leave me. My pain is with me forever till I die.
But I'm afraid to die. Actually deep in my heart I want to be alive. But not in this pain.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Every second of my existence is just pain, physical or mental.
I see no sense in this.
Dead Ghost

Dead Ghost

Mestre del Temps
May 6, 2022
I am not feeling well... I am afraid that I will get suicidal impulses again like in the summer of 2021, they only lasted a few weeks but it was very hard not to have control of myself and that everything seemed to collapse around me.

I do not take well the new degree of disability that I have been assigned or that I am denied access to public work (although I applied for the reserve of places for the disabled, ... now I do not even have that possibility).
I do not like that there are again problems in the bathroom as in February 2018, as I still have the PTSD (post-traumatic stress) present every day.

I am 45 years old and I don't want to continue living with my mother and I can't go anywhere because the pension income is very low and the rents in Barcelona are very expensive.

I would like to play the new Zelda, to be able to draw again, to read, to model in 3D, to leave the house normally and walk around the city. But I'm mentally terrible and physically very left (I don't take a shower, I don't cut my hair, nor my nails, nor eat well), at least I still weigh between 68 and 70Kg despite not leaving the house too much (the last time on April 4th).

I don't want to die but I don't want to go on living like this either... there is too much sadness, tension and anger inside me, I will end up exploding like Krakatoa at this rate.


No em trobo pas bé.. tinc por de que em tornin a agafar impulsos suïcides com l'estiu del 2021, només va durar unes setmanes però va ser molt dur no tenir el control de mi mateix i que tot semblés ensorrar-se al meu voltant.

No porto bé el nou grau de discapacitat que m'han assignat ni que em vetin l'accés a la feina pública (tot i que em presentava a la reserva de places per discapacitats,... ara ni aquesta posibilitat tinc).
No m'agrada que tornin a haver-hi problemes al bany com el febrer del 2018, doncs encara tinc l'EPT (estres post-traumátic) present cada día.

Tinc 45 anys i no vull seguit vivint amb ma mare i no puc anar-me'n enlloc perquè els ingrssos de la pensió són molt baixos i els lloguers a Barcelona són molt cars.

Voldría jugar al nou Zelda, poder tornar a dibuixar, a llegir, a modelar en 3D, sortir de casa amb normalitat i patejar la ciutat. Però estic mentalment fatal i físicament molt deixat (ni em dutxo, ni em tallo els cabells, ni les ungles, ni menjo bé), almenys segueixo pesant entre 68 i 70Kg tot i no sortir gaire de casa (l'última vegada el 4 d'Abril).

No vull morir però tampoc vull seguir vivint així.. hi ha massa tristesa, tensió i ràbia dins meu, acabaré fent un pet com el Krakatoa a aquest pas.


Mar 12, 2023
I just wish for tomorrow to never come again. Please just let me sleep without hearing that damn alarm every 6am in the morning. I'm tired of this, I don't want to try anymore. When I think of the future, all I see is work, responsibilities, stress, and I'll fail again just like anytime.


Mar 23, 2023
mixed. body does things i'm not able to understand and sometimes drives me to utter apathy. i still have contact with my fiancée and a very, very good friend and we're doing great work together, but sometimes i feel too stupid to maintain that--as if at any moment things could break. thankfully my brain not only still lets me read and make art, but actively pushes me to up the pace.


Mar 23, 2018
That I was brought into this shitty world.
That I'm stuck here.
That I will hurt people if I CTB.
That I'm hurting because I can't.
That I will have to work until I die.
This shitty body.
This shitty brain.


Dec 12, 2020
They did it again. I want to kms. They threw stuff at the window again. Why th are they doing this? It's idiotic because I know I'm not doing anything to them but I'm asking myself if my existence is so disgusting that they do stuff like this to me. There's no justice in this world. I want to die.

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