Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[aforestfire]

my brain heavily rejects the idea of leaving my house, it sounds silly and even pathetic, but i wish i had someone to take my hand and patiently take me outside. i can't do it myself, i can think about a hundred of things that could go wrong, i'm so scared, how can anyone tell me that living is worth it when this is how i spend all of my days? i don't have a job, so i don't have money, but if i did i would be gone from this earth by now, is the only thing stopping me.

god, this is so suffocating.

 

[sigil_sara]

Numb

 

[Source Energy]

defeated; shamed; rejected; humiliated; hopeless; desperate; devoid; bereft;

 

[LastFlowers]

I'm burning up, I need to sleep.

 

[Source Energy]

i want to die and i want to be erased and i've had nothing but arguments and belittlements for 4 days. i cant get my head above water. i can't leave because i want something that cant ever happen to happen. when someone who has beaten you down tells you that they deserve to be happy, it makes you feel insane. i have to go on a business trip and i can't get this fight resolved- i put all of my shit into garbage bags and put it in the closet. that way when i get home, i can just start following through with my plan to go away forever and he can just throw all my shit straight into the garbage. now that everything is in bags, i start feeling ilke maybe it is all my fault and i deserve everything that is happening to me. i deserve to go into the garbage.

No human soul ever deserves to go into the garbage. Why would you hold yourself in such contempt?
I feel thrown to the garbage, my soul, my heart, my worth as a woman...but not by myself, by others. It is a terrible feeling. Why would you do this to yourself? :(

 

[manocsak]

Super annoyed, workers keep drilling my wall... I'm going insane

 

[Dead Ghost]

I'm very nervous and I want to get away from the others to calm down but I can't, I need a lot more space! and I don't have him locked up at home, I need to be alone to get well.. I want to be alone.

//

Estic molt nerviós i vull allunyar-me dels altres per tranquilitzar-me però no puc, necessito molt més espai! i no el tinc tancat a casa, necessito estar sol per posar-me bé.. vull estar sol.

 

[Zegers]

Despair. Who cares.

 

[jodes2]

My money is depleting rapidly. I don't know if I can afford to do this club night. If I do, I can't afford much else. Advertising is burning a fucking hole in my pocket. I had to cancel Microsoft ads, it just comes to too much money for not enough benefit

 

[CTB Dream]

Think afraid thsi ststic situ keep deteriorat no method no thing, real afraid life no want cont

 

[soonitwontbea]

I feel the dark pain at the bottom of my heart that comes up when I'm not doing too well. I want to reach out to talk to someone but it has been bad for me sometimes because i know i tend to overly rely on outside validation. I ask myself do i really want to ctb or am i trying to put myself in a bad place so someone can save me. I get scared by myself when i go on this site. Then I think that means I'm not "really suicidal". Maybe I'm not but I feel like I have to show that I am. As screwed up as this all is/
Sometimes i blurt out way too much about what's going on with me and i'm ashamed.

 

[thx1138]

I had nightmares and I've been a mess today. I hate myself for not doing more productive things. I'm stuck. But I'm also so grateful because I've been on this site for years and I posted on the recovery forum for the first time. I just want to get better and be a productive member of society. I just have no idea where to start/what to do, especially when my body and my mind refuse to listen to me.

 

[Per Ardua Ad Astra]

Universe — Please Please Please— let me go home in my sleep tonight

I cannot bear another second of this horrific physical torture — I just cannot

 

[Kush-Chronic]

Emptiness. As if you had arrived at the end of the road and everything was dark.

 

[stupidugly]

Partially insane

 

[leopard_gec]

My head hurts, I haven't been able to sleep right because my natural sleep schedule doesn't fit into societys ideals. I just want to sleep, it the only thing in life that I genuinely like

 

[UntilTheLast]

Anxious afraid agitated resistant escape anger frustration. Tense.

 

[HopeIsLost]

Hopeless, full of pain due to seeing my family suffer from this awful world, and I feel so alone.

 

[LastFlowers]

Ripped my lips apart again, I don't even realize I am doing it until it's too late.
I am too stressed out and preoccupied with my waking nightmare.

I'm so tired and sobbed violently for hours, as is to be expected..almost every night.
I can't take this any longer.
I just want everything to end.
I cannot believe this is really my existence..even if I was destined for suicide, why did it have to be like this..why did the path there have to be a purely humiliating and restrictive experience..why.
There could have been a million more preferable ways to get there…why the fuck did it have to be like this.

 

[littlelungs]

I can't cope with doing anything wrong or being the reason why anybody is upset, and if I do I feel this overwhelming need to hurt or otherwise punish myself for being such a vile, awful person for making a mistake, no matter how brief or minor the mistake may be or who is affected by it. One time I didn't say "thank you" quickly enough when someone held the door for me at Starbucks one morning and they gave me a bit of grief over it, and as a result I punished myself by not eating anything for the rest of the day. If I upset someone or even mildly inconvenience them, then I deserve to hurt because of it... or at least, according to my stupid fucking brain. It always makes me feel so dramatic and insane and I'm not trying to be manipulative or blow anything out of proportion, but I just can't help but take everything out on myself because I hate myself so much and truly feel like I deserve it, just for merely existing.

 

[mafuyu]

everything hurts, including my brain

 

[Zegers]

Every time i go out my lips get so dry that i have to carry a bottle of water, i feel like a zombie, it's hard to understand for those who don't happen, but i feel dead inside and how it creates problems in body.

 

[TapeMachine]

Alone. I realized recently that there isn't a single person who is currently in my life that really, truly knows me. Not one. I wear masks for all of them, and I know it's really my fault, I did this...

I'm just exhausted and ready to go. Nobody's even gonna miss me when I leave; they'll miss the version of me I played for them.

Fuck this.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

In my darkest moments where my suicidal thoughts have reached their peak, I always wish I could just talk to someone who would say "it's okay, you are free to go." I wish I had that kind of person now but a lot of people are compelled to keep me alive on here. I am grateful for that. I just wish I could keep them alive too. But a lot of them will depart because they are hellbent on it. I hate that life is like this. JUST WHY?

 

[MaCKY_meaningless]

I sit down and work, or attempt to work. Short bursts of a few minutes of concentration at a time happen. The paper is getting written. But do I even want to write it? It's all so meaningless.
A scientist without any impact on reality is meaningless. I guess I am meaningless.

Am I? I have a partner, but does that give me meaning? I don't think so. I don't feel it, at least. I rarely feel postive things, after all. I wish all the other people would go to lunch so I could quietly sneak out and go home and lie on my bed without doing anything at all, just waiting for my therapy session in about 3 hours.
Therapy that may or may not work. You tell me I have trauma, but what kind of trauma? I don't even get where it could really come from.
The only thing that is traumatizing to me is existing. Existence is pain, and often death looks inviting. No, that's wrong, not death. Non-existence. Fading into nothingness. Just stopping to be. That would be my dream, often. But thoughts like this make me feel really bad about the people that care about me, and that I care about. But what can I do?
My mind is telling me what my mind is telling me.

Why can't I be happy, or at least content? Compared to so many on here, and out there, my life looks pretty good from the outside. But... "when everything inside has turned to shit, life itself means nothing". I'm going to listen to that now.

 

[Kurushii]

I need to eat and I need to die but if I die I dont have to eat anymore but I like eating food but food is not worth all the negative aspects that come with life and if I die then I wont want food anymore so to fix my hunger I could just die but its not that simple at all and Im exhausted and 3 brain cells are typing this so it doesnt make any sense I wish I could just have a bottle of N because then I wouldn't feel sad anymore.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Simply said, I just want some reprieve. I don't want to be used as a tool by those who can easily influence me and drain my life energy.
I'm tired of the stress and the sadness.

 

[nozomu]

I'm in purgatory. Can't live fully but can't die just yet either.

 

[The Eihwaz Tree]

Fantastic!

 

[anxious_depressive]

I'm depressed, shattered and scared. I no longer have the strength to fight this life.
I feel like I'm on the verge of ctb.
The only thing stopping me is my love for one person.
I can't live anymore, but I love him.

I'm so exhausted.