Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[leaf23]

Stupid tired frustrated. Nightmare Neighbor, please move out. I don't care anymore about wishing other people misfortune: please be a nightmare to someone else

 

[Damnation]

I don't know what to feel, but I want to vent about things that I can't talk about anywhere else.

I'm in my 20's and living with my parents. I dropped out of college and never really had a job except some on-call stuff. I'm not agoraphobic, but I have scarcely gone outside in almost a decade. I spend almost every second of every day in my room, on my computer, ignoring reality. I'm the definition of terminally online.

I planned to CTB recently, but all of my attempts failed. I told my parents that I signed up for college classes just to appease them until my CTB date (scummy, I know) but since my attempt failed and it's now around the time classes would have started, I have to pretend that I'm attending college. It's a bit demoralizing. I don't know how to stop feeling ashamed of myself, but at least it's no longer suspicious if I go outside.

I don't drive because of trauma from various accidents the people in my life have been in, and a general hatred for cars. So, I've been walking to a bus stop and waiting until I'm sure my parents are at work, then I walk back home. Not sure what I'm going to do on the weekdays they don't work. I guess I could catch a bus and try to find some way to kill time "out in the world" until it's a normal time to come home. I feel like I have to rush my next CTB plan before this stupid facade falls apart. Kinda sucks, because I think the only (peaceful) method left requires me to order some things online. I can only hope it's possible to get everything within the next week.

 

[http-410]

I feel like I've been thrown into the vast ocean at the most inaccessible point, while everyone, especially my therapist, expects me to magically make it out myself. No one grasps the efforts with which I have been swimming against the waves for years in order to find solid ground. But with each passing day, I realize that my efforts are in vain. I am running out of strength, there is no land, no ship, there is nothing. The only way left is down.

I feel so incredibly deserted, forlorn, sleepless, exhausted, dissociated, depressed, suicidal. I wish this therapy had worked. I wish I wasn't so extraordinarily broken that nothing helps. What did I do wrong? What happened?

 

[Microwave]

Emotionally, socially and financially dead.

 

[CTB Dream]

Know but tell this see new game wabt but sad no money no possible feel bad befre buy any want now no money injury damage all Nothing. Why stay no posbl doany Nothing no money no brain no body noany

 

[Microwave]

Know but tell this see new game wabt but sad no money no possible feel bad befre buy any want now no money injury damage all Nothing. Why stay no posbl doany Nothing no money no brain no body noany

I'm not sure what you're trying to say.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired,
Need to rest but I don't want to. Probably won't be able to sleep later. Hard to hold my head up.
Why can't this end. I hate it here.

 

[Zegers]

Drained. I don't even feel like typing.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

like i cant get a fucking break for two goddamn minutes. like i wish nothing good would ever happen again, that id just feel thoroughly shit enough to finally gtfo of here.

all day i felt bad/weird despite finally doing something ive wanted to start up for a while which i think/thought would be good for me, and i just felt hollow afterward. i was tired after napping for an entire hour. i started playing a semi-calming video game and i soon felt this sense of serenity wash over me; the oneness of the universe. then after a short time the game crashed, but i didnt mind, id just make dinner instead. was a sign i thought.

i start eating and one of my teeth starts fucking howling every other bite, completely out of nowhere. what the fucks going on with you, i dont have the psychological or financial resources for dental work. i absolutely despise it. i want a satelite to crash into my room while im asleep and destroy this stupid sensitive sack of meat and bones and neurons. i want all this matter to disperse back into the earth and cosmos and not deal with this bullshit any fucking more. :-[

 

[http-410]

Agony and sheer desperation. I have spoken to both my GP and my therapist. It is an absolutely hopeless situation. Everyone is helpless. I was on the verge of getting emotional, but I'm not going to cry in front of them anymore.

I burst into tears after the session, and it's still hard for me to stop. I was close to calling the crisis line, but I know I would only feel more misunderstood after that.

The year has only just begun, but since then I have slid down the endless downward spiral a great deal.

I barely have any energy left. My appetite is non-existent, my brain is mush. The restlessness, insomnia and dissociation do not get better. On top of that, my refrigerator broke.

Will it ever stop?

I don't know what to do. I would like to scream, but even that doesn't bring me any more relief. The pain and despair are all-encompassing, always there.

And it only gets worse.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Better. 'Spent some time helping earthworms off the sidewalk because it had recently rained.

 

[freakaccident]

this is my first post ever on this forum. i've been here for a while already, but i never felt like i had anything of substance to say.

things have been real rough lately. idk how long my depressive episode has been going on, it's really hard to say for sure when it started.
all i can say is that for the past 3 years nothing has changed, it's only gotten worse. year 2022 really got the ball rolling, downwards that is.
in terms of the worst time in my life, so far, i would say this years summer was absolute rock bottom. that's when everything went to the gutter. i started binge drinking every weekend- and also during the week (it's better now, i still drink but not as often..)
i also started to cut myself sometime in may, and i've been at it ever since.
anyway that was that episode. next topic

as of right now, i feel sick. let's just say that i'm not doing too well. i cry almost every day, i barely shower,, i have lost a bunch of weight due to depression killing my appetite.. sometimes i don't recognize myself in the mirror

this week i had to cut contact with a dear friend of mine, the only person i felt connected to in a long time. turned out he was lowkey a pedo, which i had to confront him about. i feel so disappointed, and disgusted. the shock has finally worn off- and now i'm just left with this weird sensation of nothing being normal.
i'm terrified of the world, of society, of people. it's horrifying to think that i'm made of the same flesh and bones as all these degenerates roaming the world.
how am i supposed to live with it? live with myself? live whilst seeing all the dirt and violence of the world?
-life is pretty much based on the exploitation of the weak, it's all so dirty ugh

anyway~ all i can do, as of right now, is run in circles. i feel so empty

☆ ☆ ☆

 

[Rairii]

I feel like a fucking failure for this stupid device not working on my bladder lol. I feel like its my fault for it not working. That it must mean I'm fake and stupid. My urologist seemed to have got mad at me when I saw him a few days ago, can't even remember exactly what he said just went on how I needed to know this is device is great for everyone else (i think) and how this is the last thing (i dont know if he meant for us to try for me, i dont know). then he just stormed out of the room after his tiny rant and let the people who make changes on the device take care of me. Then I looked at the notes after online and it basically saying "symptoms not improving for patient. Don't know why. Doesn't make sense." am paraphrasing because dont want to look back at it because it made me feel like shit to read lol.

I wish the fucking device would work too. I want it to work so bad. I'm so tired of peeing 5 to 6 times an hour. I'm so tired of being in so much pain. I'm so exhausted of being so dehydrated and not getting enough sleep because of all this. its been 7 years, i cant take it anymore. I just want some dang relief, please. im tired of feeling like shit because methods arent working, im doing all i can. ive bought stupid ph balanced expensive water, ive bought stupid expensive supplements even though im poor and cant really afford all of this, i take all my meds, ive changed my whole diet even though it triggers my ED, i follow everything I need to freaking do, im trying so hard. im so tired of being a failure. i just want something to work please. i dont want people to be mad at me, im trying, i promise. i dont want to suffer, fuck.

 

[Mondsucher]

The feeling of unrequited love is just so painful and heartwrenching. It is just not meant to be and this realisation hits hard every time

 

[Ringo]

I've been feeling like my limbs are going to fall off this week, I just want to lie down quietly for a while.

 

[weightedrocks]

I feel dysphoric and numb. Got exams to study for and homework to do and I have no drive to do it. I feel like a fucking monster and hardly recognize the person I see in the mirror.

 

[sigil_sara]

Empty, tired of being alone, agoraphobia, have no family

 

[spiralling]

Dissociated and scared.

 

[http-410]

Despite my doubts about its usefulness, I went to the woods yesterday to scream, and I tried to call the crisis line despite my bad experience. The screaming did not bring any relief and the crisis line was constantly busy.

The only thing that could calm me, especially at that moment, was to be close to death.

 

[spiralling]

My god I'm such an idiot.

 

[Ilayis]

I'm feeling insanely lonely and torturing myself with negative self talk. Last night went the store to buy something to make for dinner and just got washed over with this insane panic and emotion that I started crying in the store. Ran home and just balled my eyes out. I think since I lost my job, where I got my little bit of human interaction, and now being completely alone I just lost it!!! Was trying to not drink(Haven't had one since August) but had to go back to the store, because in my panic, I forgot something I really needed, so went back and ended buying a 12 pack. I tried to make the most of it. Blasted music, cleaned my apt and made my food. I got trashed. Sadly I've been talking to somebody who lives far away and it's been pretty hot and heavy...Maybe a little too much. I think I was trying to hard to make something serious out of it way too fast. Who knows. Maybe if we knew each there in person it could happen...or not. I just want that chance!!!! I knew messaging them while drinking wouldn't be a good idea but that usually always goes out the window when your drinking... I think I pushed it too far and turned them away. Its my fault and now today I just feel miserable for not having any restraint. I have a few beers left. So I think I'm going to buy some more today and just try to forget....Uuuuuuggghhhh

 

[thebusislatetonight]

I feel incapable and trapped inside my head. I need some sort of escape from my head. It's too much for me to deal with.

 

[Hallowed Needles]

Mostly just lazy with no motivation to do anything

 

[wesv]

I'm nothing but a lab rat to this country and to the people that run it. An experiment. People like me are just lab experiments. Living breathing lab rats.

They tell you it gets better.
It doesn't.
Not for people like me.
People like me drop out. Can't hold down a job. Are homeless. Kill themselves.

I am tortured everyday. That's what I have to look forward to. Why even live? What's the point in living when you're a lab rat?

 

[CTB Dream]

Never bette all suffera, tell but have toda dream sweet lovy ,,unfortunate wakeup come life ugly injury damage now feel lone

 

[attempt2]

I'm knackered. No matter how hard I try, the world seems determined to take me down.

 

[FrozenMango]

Worried

 

[jodes2]

I bit pissed off really. Running out of money. Everything's dying on me. I'm kinda shit at DJing. Shit at organising anything. Got no friends. Altogether everything fucking sucks. Can't sleep. Keep getting banned from Reddit. Just feel fucking lost. Wish I could do drugs, at least that would bring some enjoyment. Got therapy in 2 days, that's gonna be such a waste of time. And I'm paying through the nose for the privilege. Dunno what to do with myself

 

[insaneinthemembrane]

like im a waste of space im genuinely taking up space for no reason & i feel bad for existing - i want to just die and be gone im sorry for being here and wasting everyones time

 

[Dead Horse]

The only goal I have in life is to get my degree. I'm a medical student and it's the only thing I feel proud of since I'm an utter failure in every aspect of life. I'm a failure at this, too, though, because it has taken me way too long. I don't even want to be a doctor anymore, I just want to have accomplished something.

But looking at the material, I'm starting to realize that it's probably too much for me. I don't have the energy, motivation, ability, or concentration to do this. It's just too much.