Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[stupidugly]

Slightly scared.

 

[honeynmilk]

how can i leave all of this, i wish i could erase i was ever alive

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

Feeling extremely stressed, but also thinking about the past which is calming me down a little. Actually my mind sometimes does this thing where if I'm panicking a lot I will suddenly get an influx of nostalgic memories and this bittersweet longing for the past will override my anxiety somewhat. It's almost like my brain recognizes it's getting overloaded and decides to reboot.

It's funny how you sometimes start feeling nostalgia for times you never thought you would miss. I'm actually starting to miss the beginning of COVID and the lockdowns. The first few months were not too bad for me and kind of a welcome break almost, although I recognize that they were terrible for many people. The months after that weren't too good though, and I think I'm just now starting to realize how detrimental the pandemic and everything associated with it was to my mental health. Again, I know this is small stuff compared to people who lost their loved ones because of it, but it did affect me.

 

[soonitwontbea]

Wanted to ctb last night and was tempted to try and run out into traffic while waiting to transfer to my second bus on the way home from work. I have a couple of coworkers who have given me their number to reach out if I ever need something, and I really like them both and talk when I get the chance to see them in person, but I don't want to let myself have the knowledge that I do need something because I know I can quickly become "too much" for others and I don't want to bother them or lose them. I was just hitting my head on the back of the bus shelter thing, first time out of frustration, but then I just kept doing it. I'd even had a nice evening with some of my coworkers just joking around as we were getting our stuff from our lockers in the break room before clocking out. But they all went off to their lives where they at least sort of have someone, but I jsut really don't. Today I have off but I'm tired. Feeling chilly too, and some of that is related to my loneliness. i think i want to be okay but think i have to come to terms with the fact that the rest my life is suffering. That's not okay. And all I really want is to be in someone's arms.

 

[Spiked_Coffee]

I feel like i am at the bottom of an ocean, lost, not able to find myself. Trying to but still i am underwater at the bottom of the ocean, how will i ever find myself? Strange.

 

[ironstar]

Empty. Like I'm falling through a black abyss

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I really don't have any big goals or dreams either now that I think about it. Why do I have to keep going again? Do I have to wait 5 or 10 or 20 more years to discover what I really want to do? Don't tell me being a wage slave is all there is to life. Is life so precious? Just let me die!

 

[http-410]

I am in a painful process of accepting that every straw is breaking away and everything I do is futile.

After I realized much too late that the current "therapy" is not only unhelpful, but that we are becoming more and more estranged and that with every session I am closer to the day of my death, I spent the last of my strength to find help elsewhere. I've been fighting because I don't want to fucking die, but I'm actually too broken for anyone to help me help myself.

They have given up. I have given up.

I have lost this battle.

It's okay, I tell myself, but the agony is tearing me apart.

 

[soonitwontbea]

I'm a horrendous piece of shit and I wish I could just stab myself & die so no one would have to deal with me anymore.

 

[redisblue]

I'm so tired. I just want the pain to stop. I'm sick and tired of the way I feel, of the way I'm treated, of the endless reminders of my trauma - of everything. I want to cry but I can't. I feel everything but nothing at once. I don't know what I'm doing anymore or who I am. I don't know why I'm here. I hope all day everyday that I'll just drop dead. Why is my life like this? Why couldn't I have gotten a nice life? I don't understand. This world is so exhausting. Trauma, emotions, people, work - it's all too much. Today has been pretty bad, so this feeling of exhaustion has been bumped up a couple levels.

 

[vultureilse]

currently having another depressive episode. im so so so exhausted both mentally and physically. i have to deal with hypersomnia and extreme fatigue and they make it impossible to do anything. even when im in a better mood and have the motivation to do something physically im so tired and weak i can barely move my body

i lost interest in the things i normally enjoy so now im just forced to lie in bed all day and ig stare at the wall and daydream because theres not much things i can do besides that. but even that is so fucking tiring

just wanna go to sleep forever

 

[Spiked_Coffee]

I am f*cking done, i hate myself, i relapsed on porn and masturbation again and i feel so bad about it. Though from when i joined this forum and started speaking my emotions i started to feel better and before i didnt feel anything (almost, was medium numbed to emotions) now i am starting to feel again, though the bad emotions come first but nonetheless its something. Dont know what this f*cked up future will show, i dont wanna die but i dont want to live this miserable dumb life, i am nobody and i dont know if all of this monotony will ever end, all of this depression, numbness etc. i just dont f*cking know, its been too f*cking long with me, i just cant do it anymore, i dont want to, i i... i just dont know anything anymore...

 

[theodandel]

Confused

 

[bluville]

I feel kinda hungry and very tired

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I am not well. I'm so exhausted. I just want it to be over. I hope I don't wake up tomorrow. I'm sure I won't be that lucky.
I'm frustrated and angry. Things that others do nothing happens to them. If I do it, I'm punished for it over and over.
Story of my life.
I have no will to live. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
I don't want to be here!!!

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I. Need. To. Fucking. Die. Already.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

I feel the need to escape.

 

[thx1138]

I can't focus on anything and can't focus my eyes. What ecavtly is going on? Can psychosis cause this? Can't sleep can't think can't understand anything.

 

[soonitwontbea]

I'm sad. I really want to talk to someone in real life about how I feel, but I don't know if I can anymore. And some people thought I was doing better so maybe they will be disappointed and mad.

 

[BroodingBleu]

The best way to describe a vast majority of my life would be lonely in isolated even while being in a crowd. Even when theres tons of personalities around me, none of them will ever understand me or even bother trying to for that matter. The world feels like its all about self preservation. Thankfully I don't want to be preserved.

 

[mafuyu]

HEADACHE

 

[body_snatcher]

I feel suspended in limbo. I feel not even human. I feel like I never existed. I feel like I am on a completely different wavelength from anyone I've ever met. I feel eternally doomed. I feel like I'm watching my life pass me by. I feel like I'm watching my hobbies laid to rest and my dreams shrivel away. I feel this was always meant to happen.

 

[Cathy Ames]

God, I have really screwed up.

 

[codedarchaeologist]

wish this was me rn

 

[soonitwontbea]

I want to be embraced.

 

[soonitwontbea]

Was honest in reaching out to someone and maybe I shouldn't have been

 

[leloyon]

Unstable. It feels like I can feel my mental state declining. I feel so lethargic but I feel like pacing around for 2 hours, I need to scream and claw and bite something. I ate my first real meal since Friday since I have been living off snacks and I wish I hadn't honestly.

 

[Unsure and Useless]

Internally torn. Nothing matters. We are all just a speck in the universe, and nothing we do makes that much of a difference. And yet, it's because nothing matters that we are free. Nothing matters. Not the expectations of your family, not the expectations of your peers, not the expectations of your boss, it's all null in the grand scheme of things. It's precisely because nothing matters that we can do whatever we want. What's the point in restraining yourself when shopping, eating, or doing any other kind of task? It's not like they're going to change the world, so why not do what you want?

And yet, you can't. Because you're forced to have these irrelevant subjects matter by those who stand to benefit from your exploitation.

 

[iceyogurt]

I feel like I'm done. Like I've given everything I've had and I have no more to give. And it feels like I've been slowly dying over the years, and I've tried to fight and fix that but nothing has been enough to fix that course. Now I'm exhausted by everything physically and mentally and thinking that I've seen and experienced enough and soon it will be my time to leave this world.

 

[wesv]

Dear CIA (and everyone involved in this program),

Humble the abused. You want to humble the abused. The abuser wants to humble the abused.

You are the reason I will kill myself. Let this serve as documentation. Have this on record. This is a pre-suicide note.

You know that I know. And there is no way I will let you torture me forever. There is no fucking way I will allow myself be physically, psychologically, and emotionally abused. I love myself too much. I would rather die. This is love. I'm not dealing with this for the rest of my life.

You must be so privileged, so egotistical, to think that I'm just going to take it, like the others, and allow myself be tortured and be a prisoner for life. No. That's not a life to live. I refuse to tolerate and allow physical, psychological, and emotional torture and abuse. I love myself too much. This is a protest. Just like what he did. He did not want to be a tax paying citizen funding U.S. foreign wars. You killed him. And you will kill me.

You really tried hard to incorporate his suicide into my psyche. You really wanted to exploit my grief and turn it into a show. A sad, thrilling, narrative. Even utilizing social media companies to make it a believable, realistic, grand show. All that time and money and resources spent. Congrats, it was well done and you got what you wanted. I will join him because of all of you. What did you expect? Obviously I will kill myself. It's only logical. After all of the trauma that you have given me? You have ruined my life. You have stolen my life. We get things done.




The only difference between people like me and the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay is that we are U.S. citizens.
How naive, how stupid, to think that we are afforded rights simply just by being citizens of this nation.

Time and time again you have shown me
The abuser wants to humble the abused.
The victors have already won.
Why even live?
I love myself too much to let myself be abused.
Killing myself will be an act of love.