Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[ShadowsFall]

Under alot of pressure at the moment.

 

[Imaginos]

Just a little while ago, my and mother and I were genuinely asking each other why it is we're even still alive. Our situation is completely hopeless and getting worse and worse by the day. No one's coming to help us, no one cares about us. and next to no one even knows that we exist. The absolute best we can expect to happen is to simply tread water and limp along in misery for mere survival's sake. When it comes down to it, the both of us would've been long dead by now, assuming we had had access to either fentanyl or a firearm. Continued living has delivered nothing for us, but the emotionally dislocating hassles of many more disappointments, agonies, emergencies, catastrophes, crises, (etc.), that we otherwise should never have subjected ourselves to experience. No reward or justification, in even the tiniest degree, has warranted the time spent enduring all that misery. Nothing good has happened to balance out the bad. The bad has just kept arriving, year after year after year after year. Misfortune compounding misfortune, like an unbreakable chain, the unwavering constant of this accursed predicament, right on until the end of everything.

In certain ways, I feel like I'm living a flesh and blood version of the film "Requiem for a Dream", just without the drug addiction angle. Instead, it's just crippling depression, hopelessness, lack of resources, and a complete and utter absence of anything worth living for. And for anyone who has seen that film, you know that it didn't have a happy ending.

 

[frost]

weak

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I cut deeper than I ever have yesterday. I'm so excited and happy. I wish I could tell everyone I know about this accomplishment but I can't.

Otherwise, my life is crumbling all around me. I'm becoming more self-destructive. I thought I was dying yesterday after drinking and taking pills, and it really wasn't so bad as things started to go black. Too bad I woke up.

I really want to die. It's so hard to live and I'm so tired. I just want peace.

 

[Rhaiyne]

Powerless, helpless, pain for so many people.

 

[SelmaJezkova10]

Sad, alone and 100% suicidal

 

[usernamerequired]

Drunk as fuck. Wish i could just cut myself but i promised my mum just an hour ago that i would not. so i wont.
I miss my best friend. I know why he left, and i know that it wont be forever. But it still hurts. Just want him to be okay. I miss him.
I feel hopeless and hopeful at the same time. Hopeless because i feel like i lost the only person i really really cared about, my best friend. But hopeful because it pushed me so close to the edge that i have finally reached out to my parents and started rebuilding the relationship we had. Also hopeful, because i am finally changing my life. Moving countries.. I finally have a new dream. But it all feels so unreal because my best friend isnt here, and i cant share any of this with him. i just wish things were slightly different

 

[Celerity]

Stuck in a cycle of pain.

I remember how this agony started a year ago. I had never experienced anything like this before and I thought it was a one-time thing.

How wrong I was.

It's just going to get worse, if that's even possible.

I find myself thinking more and more about a date to die. I am falling apart. Everyone is watching, even I am watching myself die. There is no help, only I can help myself break out of this vicious circle by destroying myself. I wish I wasn't forced to do this, but I have no choice. Every day the same shit, the ever increasing pain. At some point I'm going to break. I don't want to die, or at least I don't want to experience it consciously. It will be excruciating and probably pretty terrible, but after that I won't be able to think it's bad. I wish I wasn't alone then. Just once.

I'm not as close to the edge as you right now, but I understand where you're coming from very well.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I feel like my life is hanging by a mere thread.

My whole life, I've been homesick for a place I could never identify, but in any case, I definitely don't think it's a place in this world – and God knows I've certainly tried to find it.

That's such a great way to put it. Aside from a few glorious months that may or may not have been a hypomanic episode, I have never in all my life felt like I belonged.

 

[Imaginos]

I guess you could call this a pretty self-indulgent statement, but I don't think it's a stretch to claim that most people, assuming they were stuck in my predicament and had experienced what I've experienced, including being over encumbered with mental illness, would likely have either killed themselves, or at the very least probably had been become alcoholics or drug addicts in order to cope with it all. Yet here I am, nearly 30, still breathing and stone cold sober to boot. I've never dabbled with any drugs (tried weed a couple times, but hated it), nor have I ever tasted any alcohol (unless you count a sip of wine at my grandpa's funeral when I was 12). In my case, I've only ever had media entertainment, sleep and masturbation as an escape. Maybe this is somehow a sign of strength on my part, enduring what to most would be unendurable, especially without drugs/alcohol, but I don't know. It can also be said that perhaps others would've done more to improve their situation, instead of letting themselves stagnate in morbid self-attention, as I've done for the last 15 years. But yeah, there it is anyway.

 

[Meditation guide]

Spike protein .... enough said.

 

[stygal]

Im very very tired - all I want is to sleep properly without medication. But it's not happening. Plus I have to work for 8 h every damn day again. Slowly driving me insane.
Only thing I kinda accept is that this will be my last year...was a weird one but I tried to talk to people at least.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Anxious and sad. I'm really bad in social situations. Especially when they are associated with emotional reactions for some reason. Today I was dealing with my friend in the game for a long time and what did I do? I practically escaped and tried to stay away x) I just couldn't handle my emotional reaction... And then he left. Story of my life.

 

[littlelungs]

The world is so loud.

I always have earplugs in because of the MECFS and how hypersensitive it makes me, simply as a baseline. Any sensory overload makes me feel like every single cell in my body is being strangled. Just the sound of a sudden loud bang outside can cause an abysmal amount of pain.

There are also a few sounds in particular that can and will trigger a full-blown PTSD episode, which I obviously try to avoid at all costs. Thankfully, I'm usually able to plan ahead for most of these sounds, like fireworks on New Years, where I pull the metal shutter over the window, put on noise-cancelling headphones over top of my earplugs, and isolate myself in my room.

The one sound that I often can't plan ahead for, however, also happens to be the one that terrifies me the most: The sound of a man raising his voice. It can come from anywhere, at any time, for any reason, and it always seems to pierce through my earplugs. It triggers a form of sheer terror within me that I couldn't possibly describe if I tried. I feel this immediate need to punish myself as a result of the man raising his voice, regardless of tone, where it's coming from, or why it's happening.

I am so tense right now. My body is vibrating. I didn't even realize I was holding my breath. I'm covered in layers of blankets. I can't articulate anything else. Words are inadequate.

I'm not fit to live in this world. I'm too traumatized, too sick, too broken. My spirit has been crushed, and the shards that remain cause me too much pain.

 

[aviation]

I miss my home so much that I don't even have words for it. There is a physical sensation of this in my chest that I can't describe, and I feel filled entirely with longing to be home again, and fully experience the warmth of it and everything I remember again, just the pure depth and scope of feeling of it. I want to go home so much that it chokes me up. I've spent a long time in this world, a life, and I don't regret it, but every time has a conclusion, and I truly feel, on a deeper level, that my time here has reached its. I feel calm, when I look back, at feeling this conclusion, and even the people who have hurt me, I truly appreciate in a way I never could before. I think that means I'm ready.

 

[Meditation guide]

I hate this trapped in one place feeling.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

It hurts me, still that someone isn't anymore in my life. At the same time, I am happy because someone old is again in my life. Or I was happy. I hate my feelings. I hate love. I hate that I love the completely wrong person. I hate hurting others. I hate not being able to be the right kind. I miss the wrong person for me, while the right person for me misses me. I never get the one I want, so I just wait for the emotions to die, but they don't die. I just want disappear again. I'm just too much and my feelings are too much. I'm tired and need someone to hold me and keep me together. But I can never tell that to him, so no can do. I never can know how he feel.

 

[rotten]

Numb. I probably shouldn't be, but I suppose its better than feeling fearful.

 

[spathiphyllum]

stuck in my toughts and drowning, like every night, but I know I'll have to fake like all is alright tomorrow morning. The cycle restarts.

 

[Meditation guide]

I'm not thinking beyond my next meal.

 

[Imaginos]

I've really been letting myself go lately. Haven't exercised in weeks, going on months at this point. I've found myself overeating more and more. I haven't written or posted anything to my blog in a couple months because I'm too braindead to think of anything, which is itself the only creative thing I've done in my entire life and it basically amounts to just a bunch of stupid bullshit at the end of the day anyway. Too anxious and lethargic to reach out anywhere, or post about anything because, likewise, I can't think of anything to say. Nobody wants to read some stupid shit from some pathetic asshole who's given up on his life, which is itself almost always the thought that goes through my mind and shuts down any notions of communication. On top of this, I can barely even get up in the morning. When I do, I just sit around and either watch some old TV shows, or play a video game. Compared to last year, any of the few productive things I was doing have almost entirely ceased.

There's a person I met a few months ago who I'm still talking with regularly in video chats via Skype, but I have absolutely no idea why they still want to talk to me. I certainly wouldn't want to talk to me. As it stands, they're literally the first person in my entire life who I've spoken with in an in-depth one on one, face to face fashion, beyond my immediate family. I've often felt the urge to self-sabotage this particular thing and fuck it all up because it all feels so absurd, since my life and who it is that I am at my core will never change anyway. I'm always unsatisfied and wanting to escape no matter what it is I do and that's the thing I hate the most. When I'm at point A I want to run back to point B, but when I'm at point B I want to go back to point A. Fuck this fucking bullshit. It wears me out so much. I just want to lay down and rot and melt my mind with media entertainment. But even in that, I usually avoid the games I really want to play because I feel too crappy to play them, so I just stick with other, usually more mediocre stuff instead. It seems the whole point of my existence was just to play video games, watch TV, and masturbate. It's all I'll ever know how to do or understand, so I just wish I could accept it and enjoy it.

 

[lucid]

Everything. Why am I in this stupid fleshy body which I also feel uncomfortable in because it's not the right fleshy body ? How do I manage to convince myself I'm happy when every day behind everything I want to cry my fucking eyes out yet can't because it only works sometimes ? Why do people think I'm worth something when I know I'm worth nothing and can tell they're lying through my teeth to keep a false sense of happiness ? I'll stop now before it becomes a 5 page essay.

 

[ClownMe]

Just woke up, feel like utter shit, just want to sleep for eternity.

 

[K-On]

I have punched myself multiple times since I woke up. I am a total piece of shit and I deserve to be killed.

 

[Lmd]

I just woke up and I already have dramas with people. I don't understand how this is supposed to make me feel better.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

Empty... I heard my mother is ill, doctors don't do anything with that because she have alzheimer and it's her time to go. Dunno what the think or feel. Am I sad? I don't even know. She is probably going to die.

 

[BrokenLine]

10, I have this weird peaceful feeling with myself nothing negative just being at ease. Going for a nice walk tomorrow and thinking what I want to do after it. Tomorrow I may feel different but I'll see.

 

[http-410]

Playing and cuddling with my cats makes me incredibly sad.

Until a few days ago, I felt weird for a week without reason. I felt nothing at all, even barely suicidal. Just nothing. Numb. I cannot judge whether this condition was better or not. Suicidal ideation was still there, but without the feelings. I even felt less exhausted, my eyes were not heavy all the time. Yet I felt like a robot.

Now everything is back. The pain, the constant intrusive thoughts, the imagination of dying, insomnia and exhaustion. My time is running out and I can't suppress my feelings. The only straw on which my life hangs is getting smaller every week. My end is predictable and that is terrible.

I wish I could explain it to my cats.

Everything seems like a stage performance. Things are still going as usual, but at some point there will be a loud bang and the curtain will close forever.

 

[logan]

Cats have a good sense. I think they feel your condition better than you think.

I wish you that you will feel better again soon.

 

[arie]

I don't really know what to feel. Recently I got the news that my mother who I love so very much has breast cancer. Just a week after getting the news that my aunt suddenly died of a brain hemorrhage. I just felt indifferent to the situation. Luckily after the operation, the cancer did not spread and my mother should be fine. Seems like I should have more of a reaction to all this like my sisters and father but I have not. Don't get me wrong, I would be devastated if my mom would die. I just, I don't know. I feel numb to everything. I can't talk about any of these serious topics with my friends. I have told some of them but they only listened. I only vented to them. Never talked about it after talking about it. Would love to have someone to talk about more serious topics but I am so fucking bad at meeting new people. That's all I guess

 

[FuneralCry]

For the most part I feel empty, devoid of emotion, like I have already died in a way. However there is always an underlying feeling of despair and dread upon every waking moments. I do not feel comfortable in this life, to me existing has never felt right. I have a feeling that in the future things will get worse. The thing that I want is non existence, to never experience anything ever again. To me that is a wonderful thought and no matter what this life will end someday, existence is only temporary.