Still on a pretty firm downward trajectory. Managed to do a little exercising the other day, but it always amounts to absolutely nothing in the end. I mean, I exercised fairly regularly, sometimes for a few consecutive months, at certain points in the last couple years, but so what? Here I sit, back to being an inert blob, and it's as if I might as well have not done anything at all. It was all just a useless waste of time. It's like if in a video game where you were forced to lose all your levels/experience points in a super long RPG if you stopped playing for a little while. You just find yourself continually back at square one, and all that prior effort is rendered entirely meaningless. Another damning thing about exercise for me is that it often increases/amplifies intrusive thoughts, mainly those having to do with OCD. Exercise is very rarely anything else, but an uphill battle. Through sheer desperation, I managed to fight that battle for a little while, but now I don't have any fight left. Even then, I've never genuinely liked exercise for its own sake. It's just a tedious slog that floods my brain with bullshit. Severe depression is just the final nail in the coffin for all this.
The bottom line always come back to the fact that I simply don't have a worthwhile future. Without a worthwhile future, why bother doing anything? The obvious answer would be to go about constructing the foundation for a worthwhile future, but how the fuck do I do that? I'm a helpless agoraphobic hermit suffering from severe arrested development. The usual blurbs of advice simply don't apply to me. "Just make baby steps outside. Go back to school and get an education. See a therapist and start taking medication.". All of that sounds good and reasonable generally speaking, but it's literal fucking fantasy talk to someone like me. I literally cannot step out the door and go anywhere by myself. I'm stuck in an extremely debilitating predicament that, without major outside intervention, I simply have no hope of ever being able to break free from. It's like expecting a heroin junkie to get clean all by themselves. That's exceedingly rare, bordering on next to impossible. And honestly, I'm not sure that such intervention could even help me at this stage anyway. The psychological damage is just too extreme at this point.
And the way the world is, it's pretty much fucked for good now anyways. There's basically no worthwhile future left for anyone, save for those with tons of money, or those free of severe mental illness, or those lucky enough to have had enough positive experience in life to shape their personalities in such a way that they can still manage to cobble something together for themselves. For me, this kind of thing just compounds the overwhelming futility I struggle with about everything even further.
