Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Laddydragon]

I dislike the current state of my sleep patterns I am developing some really hard insomnia and it's a pain.

 

[Seaghost]

Crying, stop-crying, feeling helpless, crying, talk to myself, crying, ask god the same question knowing an answer will never come, crying, want to stop all

 

[Deleted member 8579]

I am a joke in search of a punchline, and I will have the last laugh when I die by my own hand.

 

[Tempest]

Anxious. I know that death will end all reasons to be anxious and even my ability to feel anxious, but SI is throwing up these feelings anyway. In a journey of a thousand steps, the last one is the hardest.

Also feeling incredibly grateful to my friend, and I wish I could tell him how much comfort and joy he's brought me in my most difficult moments, but out of the blue it would either be misinterpreted as a romantic confession or he'd catch on that I was suicidal. A year and a half ago he told me that I was his best friend and at the time I couldn't say the same, but now I think it's true.

Guh. Maybe it's time for some wine.

 

[motyxia]

I feel cold. In a blanket but it makes me feel pathetic because I'm wishing my mother would comfort me, pathetic I'm an adult man & still cry over how "I wish mommy loved me." It hurts a lot & I don't think it'll ever end until I die. I don't think she's coming back, I'm really glad, I thought I had to CTB scared of her coming back in a few days. But also wish she was here to hug me. She makes me feel so messed up. I'm scared of her, hate her, & love her.

 

[irememberinnocence]

I'm CBTing because of low quality of life. I also noticed my quality of life had a bad effect on my mental state. One of the turning point for me was when I couldn't get excited anymore. Professionals might say to me, well that's just classic depression. But it's not. I can't get excited if I'm now too ill to even work a few hours each week. I can't get excited if I'm too ill to go out into nature, if I've lost most of my friends because they don't understand, if I can't enjoy most foods because eating makes me sick, if I have to live my life revolving around my stomach, bladder, energy levels and other things. And to be honest excitement an adventure were always the main things that drove me in life. For everyone they have different wants. Some people are driven to seek out love and commitment for example. But for me I wanted to explore experience and create. Fortunately I've done a lot of that. So now that excitement is that main ingredient missing from my life, that my body and my life are just a burden killing all the excitement now, well that is a big mental part of my choice to CBT. So on the one hand there's the pain and suffering caused by the symptoms and a bleak future, loss of independence etc. And on the other hand there's also the lack of the key ingredients that always drove me to want to face life: adventure, excitement, freedom, experimenting, originality, exploring, creativity, and so on. So now that all that is gone I actually feel very detached from my life. That kind of detachment is a surreal feeling but I suppose in my case it is an acceptance that the good times are gone and that I'd rather not linger.

 

[iamthewalrus]

i feel empty. i dont think anything can help me at this point. i just want to end it all already. i wish someone would acknowledge what im feeling

 

[TheHatedOne]

I'm very misanthropic and I want the whole world to burn, I'm hurt deeply and I want to have someone by my side but at the same time I feel everyone is annoying. Since the ''help'' I got from Reddit I can't find inner silence anymore.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm a weak fucking coward. I'm STILL alive. After all these years of being depressed, broken, and suicidal, I've managed to hold on. Not because I'm strong but because I'm too sensitive to things like pain. I can't handle the feeling of the noose slowly strangling the life out of me. I'm afraid of what SN will feel like in my final moments. So I'm trapped here. Not enough will to live yet not enough to die.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I wish covid had killed me.

Anhedonia has been real rough this last week. Drugs help, briefly.

Tomorrow is my late mother's birthday. I bought some of her favorite snacks to eat. Maybe I'll get absolutely shitfaced in her honor [she died last October]. I have enough THC to really do some damage.

 

[irememberinnocence]

I feel that no one cares that I'm going to be dead quite soon. It really reminds me of my insignificance. But I suppose that's also good because it means there's nothing to hold onto. I've detached overall but sometimes get emotional poor me I'm all alone moments. I know most people on here can't relate to me, since I'm not depressed, I'm only doing this because my stomach is shutting down, and I vowed to never end up on a feeding tube

 

[motel rooms]

@irememberinnocence It just occurred to me that I don't remember innocence

 

[irememberinnocence]

@irememberinnocence It just occurred to me that I don't remember innocence

This is dark but the end of my Innocence was when I was groomed by a sexual predator. So I don't remember any Innocence after that. I remember Innocence before that though. It's a beautiful thing.

 

[motel rooms]

This is dark but the end of my Innocence was when I was groomed by a sexual predator. So I don't remember any Innocence after that. I remember Innocence before that though. It's a beautiful thing.

Well, this is a chilling coincidence... My father started molesting me when I was 3 or 4

 

[irememberinnocence]

Nothing like sexual abuse to end Innocence. I am sorry you have to carry this darkness too. I actually was groomed beginning as an older teenager so it's a bit different. But still it destroyed me mentally before I had the chance to become a proper adult. I still feel like fragments rather than a whole person.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I feel so alone... sometimes it seems like everybody is out to get you in life, nobody can be trusted, everyone has an ulterior motive. This world is hell, life isn't worth it.

 

[facel]

I'm feeling that if I could guarantee my kids wouldn't suffer, I'd end it today. It's agony trying to cling on.

 

[http-410]

Numb emotionally, but my body feels like it pulled me in all directions. I am extremely exhausted and everything hurts, and I don't even know why, but I guess at least the physical pain will pass.

 

[Manaaja]

I think it would be better if I took a break from this site. Be away for a few days and see how it affects. I just don't know what I should do during that time, so the break might end up short.

 

[TheHatedOne]

I'm drunk and braindead.

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

I'm heartbroken. (Not the reason I want to ctb though.)

 

[irememberinnocence]

I keep thinking of more stuff I need to do before I CTB and I don't know whether I really need to do these things or whether its survival instinct kicking in. Eg getting my stuff for CTBing prepared meticulously so it's impossible to survive, leaving behind my legacy projects, sorting through all my possessions, being freshly shaven and new clothes etc etc. I don't know what's truly neccessary for myself and what's not. But right now I'm just exhausted that's for sure. Ps I keep writing CBT on accident, that's from going through cognitive behavioural therapy when I was younger... Very different meaning!

 

[Scribble Fan]

I feel very defeated today but... it's kind of a peaceful feeling. Like a sad acceptance of some sort. I wish I could cry but I can't cry normally. Only like once a year when it all bursts out.

 

[irememberinnocence]

I'm now terrified that I'm gonna be in terrible pain from the sn and not have it work because I have suspected gastroparesis. But at the same time I don't feel like I have any other choice except to do this.

 

[TheHatedOne]

Just quoting something from Johan Liebert: ''Help! The monster inside me is going to explode!''

 

[Indomie89]

I wish I wasn't alive, ny anxiety and depression mske life feel like a prison.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Worried. Have to do something I loathe doing, but is necessary to avoid having my plans spoiled. Hate to have to be fake and put on an act, especially in this state of mind, but, if it means a higher chance of success later, so be it. Fuck my principles, death is more important!

 

[irememberinnocence]

I decided not to attempt right now. I think my risk of failure and intense pain is high due to my stomach issues. Otherwise my method would have been an effective one for me. I now possess everything I need in order to attempt in this way but it really would be an absolute last resort for me now. I summoned up courage and told my doctor I don't want aggressive treatments to prolong my life. Now I'm waiting to hear back. Been making enquiries for palliative care.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I'm consumed by hatered. Been staring at the phone for the last 4 hours. A blank stare, nothing like the fire that burns behind them, consuming my thoughts, consuming my words. Hatered is a lobotomy. My self is scattered. My heart is black.

 

[9BBN]

Totally numb and without energy. I feel like I don't have a home.