Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[finish.me]

woke up depressed and scared like im in danger

 

[Yogobro298]

Not good, It's getting harder and harder to tell what's real. I woke up the other day and saw someone staring at me with a bag over his face. Obviously the reasonable thing to do would be to get treated but I'm broke as hell, and either way medication for sz is a double edged sword. This is just another flare up.

 

[ollyoxenfree24]

I feel scared of each new day because of all the bad that can happen and how much people can remind you of all of your faults and constantly use them against you. I just want the physical, mental, and emotional pain to end. I am tired and have spent way too long fighting to be strong enough to survive.

 

[iamthewalrus]

very depressed.

 

[motyxia]

I feel like since September I'm being tortured by something bad. It's really upsetting. I keep trying to ignore it but it's not going away. Daily things have gotten so much harder in such short time. I want help but she won't help me get help. I tried getting help on my own but I can't. I wish I was a normal adult. I want someone to understand & not judge me.

 

[Laddydragon]

Don't want to go today have a plan for soonish but I'd love to just tie a nice rope and hang but in a bad position on my neck so that it hurts like hell I'm so stupid.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

Man, the guy at work keeps yapping about my powdered nose. I'm fucked. I messaged him yesterday and told him that whatever he saw, he should shut it cause it's my job on the line. The first thing he said when he came to work was: "Hey, Joca Amesterdam!" (a mobster notorious in these parts). Called him today and almost begged him to stop talking. He said I should chill.

Fuck.

Also, the boss called me right now, mid-message to ask me about tonight. Another colleague of mine gambled about 5000$ on the job. Money that he didn't have. I had no idea what he did until he told me that he lost the money at about 3 am. He told to the morning shift he would return the money when the banks open. Now, my boss calls me and talks about police intervention -.-

Jesus, we have a regular mob den in there. That gas-station's gonna get a reputation.

 

[Manaaja]

Clip studio paint has a place to download brushes for free. Every brush has always been free in there. Well today I went there and tried to download a brush, but it said "This brush is free until 21/10", today is 22. :[

I also found out Clip Studio deleted about 40 default brushes for no reason. Is that even legal? If artists use those brushes to make their work, then it should be illegal to delete them. It should at the very least ask if you want to delete them. Especially since many people use custom settings on their brushes. Now you have to download them from their store if you want them back.

Imagine if Steam deleted your game and you had to go to steam store, find the same game, redownload and reinstall the game, and try to remember what setting were best for you and modify them. And if you don't remember the game's name that's bad.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I've gotta stop getting this fucked up by myself. Holy shit, it really is like that dumb story

but dark. My brain twists everything so I get bad urges to hurt myself, then I'm justifying crossing my boundaries for cutting, things get worse, then I start justifying getting shit ready for an attempt, then it's like I'm walking the fucking plank.

But if I can get a bit of sleep I usually wake up feeling better, as if this experience was "therapeutic". Which is probably a 'justification' to keep doing it and getting closer to dying, because my depressed brain makes me already suicidal when I'm sober.

I gotta either completely stop it all, unless I'm with someone, or remember how stupid this is and stop being so excessive with the edibles and alcohol when I'm alone.

At least sometimes I remember to stand up, or start to go get something to hurt myself with, and then I usually realize how fucked up I am, and that it doesn't mean I have to try and hurt/kill myself. Yay?

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Almost ready to go. Today, I felt something click inside me and I feel I am finally ready to accept death permanently. Just want to say goodbye to old friends and spend some last time with my family. On Christmas I will give the world a wonderful gift by removing my dark and useless presence from it. This should make the world a brighter place overall.

 

[Manaaja]

Why can't some companies hire a person who can speak English? If Huion or Xp-pen paid me 10€ per hour, I'd gladly respond to the English questions and messages their customers send. I'm pretty sure both can afford it (it would probably only be a 10 hours per month job anyway). It would be a nice job since I enjoy helping and writing, and I'd be ten times better than the current worker.

 

[Yogobro298]

One part of me is ready to ctb and another part of me wants to keep trying.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I got really angry today. Jealous, bitter, intense. I think I scared my friend.

 

[Manaaja]

I was feeling allergic, so I took some chili and onion and water I feel like they are destroying the allergies. Like the allergy is bursting out of the skin. I also feel fainty. Shit, in a minute I went from feeling much better to feeling much worse.

I also need to dry brush. All the dirt needs to get out of the body. It's like a trash can. If you don't take the trash out, it will be bad. Guess where I learnt about dry brushing? In a hentai game. XD But really, it's really helped me. I'd recommend dry brushing for all. Just take a rough towel, a hairbrush or use your nails and gently scrap your skin.

I wish I could be a dog trainer. I would love to train dogs. I'll train any dog for the low, low price of a drawing monitor and ergotron and gasoline.

I hate money. I don't want to earn money, I want to earn things. Food, water, heating, electricity should just magically appear every time I train a dog. Or draw.

 

[Yogobro298]

I got really angry today. Jealous, bitter, intense. I think I scared my friend.

I'm marinated in those emotions daily. Listening to calming music helps probably crappy advice, but it does help at least for me..

 

[medjooled11]

Disappointment. Reality. Bitterness. Null.

 

[tess is a mess]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Just tired of everything

 

[AtMostOkay]

A shell. A husk. Used up.

 

[Seaghost]

Aversion and hate to myself.
I don't wanna live anymore...I'm not good.
I'm not good for my environment.
I want to be dead. Now. No pain just exit.
Help

 

[stygal]

Ears are ringing...probably going to get tinnitus.

I'm a dumb fuck for doing the same things again and hoping for another outcome.
I don't even know why it's so hard to change my habits.

I don't even know why I put no effort in towards getting better.

I don't even know why I self-sabotage all the time even though I know better.

 

[irememberinnocence]

Feel annoyed, on third day of really crappy weather in a row, been stuck inside with other people home too (have my own room but still...) . Can't do walk, washing, or shopping. Also need to make a confidential phone call but no chance for that either.

 

[Mitty]

Regret

 

[NasiGoreng]

I feel deranged

 

[Manaaja]

Psychology as science of soul: Psychology has come from the Greek word 'psyche' which means 'soul' and 'logos' which means 'to study'. Thus, psychology means study of soul. Hence, it was regarded as a talk about soul.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I'm marinated in those emotions daily. Listening to calming music helps probably crappy advice, but it does help at least for me..

It's not crappy advice. Music helps me too, as long as I don't completly shut off into my thoughts. Nothing gets through that armor.

 

[Shadowplay]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Yeah I haar you. I used to feel like that; if you could slice me open I would be dead inside with no blood flowing or organs moving.

 

[Manaaja]

Erase money, let people have passion projects that they do for free.

I'm not moneysexual. I'm not societysexual. I'm not even a humansexual (I'm ase). So why should I get fucked by them? I refuse.

I wanna live in a world without money.

 

[S like suicide]

You are a great friend and I thank you for the great post to me. You made my day!!

I will confess that when my "mother" died, she went after my "dad", both were very shall we say mean?! It hurt to have to call a hospital a long distance away and be told from a hospital staff member that she passed and both of my siblings had been there all day.

When my "mom" died, my "parents" left my younger sister a 23 acre hobby farm and cash. My older brother got $2.2 million U.S. dollars and I got ZERO. In fact I was told to stay away from BOTH of my "parents" funerals. Have not spoke to either sibling in over 30 years, their choice. So on that aspect I have just gotten used to having no family.

As far as friends goes, I am very liberal as far as pro choice, I am very much LGBTQ , we are ALL the same period, I do not believe in organized religion..etc, with these opinions and/or thoughts the folks around me where I live that I have contact with have a 100% different value system and well, lets say we clash. So I have no physical friends to speak of.

Somedays, I will 100% say, that I miss having a physical human around me and I always am open to having friends as long as they are open minded. One discriminates against one person it is against all to me. I was VERY, VERY poor growing up, food, shirt on my back, roof over my head, that was it and in school I was picked on a lot because I was poor and I HATED it, and told myself when I became a adult I would never ever be that way ever.

I had a significant other till last fall, 2020, and I found out that she cleaned me out of a lot of money that I had saved up. I had her leave and have not had any physical friends since.

I am always open but at my age it is tougher and so I have mentally resolved the fact that places like SS are my family and friends. Physical? No, but on a mind set like mind where every soul is important and their thoughts are also. Where no one discriminates against one another.

It is very hard, no joke and I will confess, that there are a few days where a physical hug or smile or someone in ones corner to go with like to the doctors or likewise and it is something that I just get through.

So I hope this answers some of your questions. I am a open book and I consider all of SS my family and have no problem talking about my past.

You are a very beautiful soul with a heart of gold and so, so much going for you. I dislike saying this in a way, but at 65, reference point only, having bumped around through the decades I, like everyone does, have gathered some life experiences as such that I firmly believe that you WILL be awesome.

You are bright, loving , caring and all the qualities that make a person a fantastic person and you will go far, I 100% believe in you hands down.

Thank you for the lovely post, you are a saint and I am always around and I send you a beautiful sunny blue sky filled with puffy white clouds to enjoy.

Walter

Thanks for your answer Walter! <3 Thank you for opening up to me and sharing all these personal things...It's unbelivable what happened with your family ... it must have been hurted you so much, I'm so sorry about how you were treated ... :( :( we all need to be loved in the family and growin up in a loving enviroment but sadly sometimes this is not the reality and i can't belive that someone does not want to be your friend ... if I were your neighbor I would love to be your friend for sure!!I am sorry that you have been made fun of for being poor and that you have suffered since you were little ... and I am also sorry for this last disappointing experience ... your hard earned money :( Of course life has given you nothing easily and always takes it out on the best people like you!It is true it is very hard when you miss a real hug ... but luckily there is SS, this beautiful community ... it would be nice if it were a real community as well as online.I thank you deeply for your beautiful and sweet words ... You are a generous man and you care for everyone here ... making everyone feel special and unique and loved... instead there is the need someone to tell you how special and wonderful you are ... Thanks for existing Walter, the world and this community is a better place thanks to you<3 I send you big cuddly hugs <3

 

[irememberinnocence]

Feel trapped in a horrible limbo right now. Regarding my upcoming attempt and whether I'll manage to obtain what I need for it. I am truly desperate to die, and soon! But if I can't then I don't know how I'll endure life in this body. My digestive system is completely fucked and my weight still dropping so a continuation of this life would mean either slowly starving to death or a feeding tube.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

Wishing l was asleep but l fell asleep earlier on last night and now l'm wide awake despite taking 50mls of Methadone and 70mg of Valium!