Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[whywere]

Feel trapped in a horrible limbo right now. Regarding my upcoming attempt and whether I'll manage to obtain what I need for it. I am truly desperate to die, and soon! But if I can't then I don't know how I'll endure life in this body. My digestive system is completely fucked and my weight still dropping so a continuation of this life would mean either slowly starving to death or a feeding tube.

Hello! My heart really broke in a million pieces reading your post. Whatever you decide, I send you lots of love, peace and the knowledge that you are a friend on SS of mine.

Love and caring transcends all modes and means of existence and I love and care about you.

Walter

 

[Seaghost]

I'm so fucking restless.
Couldn't sleep. Its 5:49 in the morning.
Sadly my last Ativan will take over now. I hold it back for for an appoitment this week.
I'm so weak :/

 

[whywere]

I'm so fucking restless.
Couldn't sleep. Its 5:49 in the morning.
Sadly my last Ativan will take over now. I hold it back for for an appoitment this week.
I'm so weak :/

You are NOT weak. I too have a heck of a time sleeping and know the mental and physical feelings that come with little sleep.

We are all in this together and you are a strong person, you are working towards a better future with having appointments, and so what about taking something once in awhile to help. I take pain meds everyday to help manage chronic pain and I am strong for getting help, and so are YOU!

Rest easy, hope you got lots of sleep and when you wake up remember that you are a strong, resilient soul with so much to give humanity and folks here on SS.

Sending you lots of hugs and the firm belief that I have in you.

Walter

 

[eryu]

Too tense and alert. Slightly good but feels like being high.
Sick of writing long posts and deciding not to post them. Sick of feeling like I have blinders on my mind's eye so it's like I'm never entirely sure what I'm doing or saying.

 

[Laddydragon]

I'm not even sure why I'd try I'm going to just exit this life soon enough but all I wanted was to try and see if I could get medication resources (for free cause I'm a broke idiot) incase I fail to CTB within a soonish timeframe I'd rather not totally destroy my life at least the medication might help slightly just make me less me I suppose... (It never made me less wanting to ctb I've always felt that way but at the very least it gets rid of the insomnia I keep forgetting how bad it gets it's 10+ hours of sleep or none ugh)
And all the person said after I said I really don't need to talk I'd just like some resources is that must be really hard to open up on would you like to talk about it and it just seems so fake I'm sorry if I sound super whiny it's free I know but I stated what I needed I had thought and to just get such a lifeless response hurts..
I just add this incase anyone is like google is free I know this I'm just very tired honestly I haven't slept today and every other day I sleep at 4 am - 1 pm so my sleep schedule is wrecked and I've very little natural lighting nor does my alarm clock work so I'm pretty screwed with options I exercise almost every day (unless I'm to sore to) I eat okay (it's hard while I'm slowly relapsing in my eating disorder to say I'm doing any better then that) I limit myself with screens but nothing works and I'm just so annoyed with myself right now for thinking any hotline could actually help they really don't care do they..

 

[user_name_here]

'Korn - follow the leader' is one of the greatest albums ever recorded

 

[irememberinnocence]

I'm feeling like an absolute idiot. I just somehow told the person I live with that I'm effectively starving due to problems with my digestion but that I won't accept a feeding tube. I don't know why but I just kept talking and then eventually she started looking at an email on her phone and switching topics. So I feel like an absolute dumbass for opening up. I hadn't even intended to open up but it was relevant to the conversation at hand.

 

[UseItOrLoseIt]

I don't feel much of anything. Almost feels like happiness.

 

[whywere]

I'm feeling like an absolute idiot. I just somehow told the person I live with that I'm effectively starving due to problems with my digestion but that I won't accept a feeding tube. I don't know why but I just kept talking and then eventually she started looking at an email on her phone and switching topics. So I feel like an absolute dumbass for opening up. I hadn't even intended to open up but it was relevant to the conversation at hand.

You are NOT a dumbass, if anyone is, then it is your housemate. When a person opens themselves up and one is given the "cold shoulder", then they are beyond a dumbass. We are all in this together period.

Now it might be that she was very uncomfortable talking about a subject at hand that was maybe kind of out of the blue, but still one always should convey that we are all one and together.

You are NOT a idiot ever, ever period. One of your caliber is the kind of person who one would want as a friend as you are kind, caring and a very thoughtful person. I picked that up in your post.

Please take good care of yourself, as I send lots of sunny days and beautiful blue skies to a good friend.

Walter

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

It's difficult to stay awake. Have been so exhausted all day. Those nightmares really messed me up tbh. I wish they didn't because they're fake. Still just too tired to really do anything. Lethargic. Weary. Sigh

The most I seem to have done today is a couple of simple errands and getting amped up about my family. Other than that, I just feel like, idk, not much of anything at all.

 

[whywere]

It's difficult to stay awake. Have been so exhausted all day. Those nightmares really messed me up tbh. I wish they didn't because they're fake. Still just too tired to really do anything. Lethargic. Weary. Sigh

The most I seem to have done today is a couple of simple errands and getting amped up about my family. Other than that, I just feel like, idk, not much of anything at all.

I 100% know how you feel about nightmares aspect. I have been having them as i need a job to keep a roof over my head and with good 'ol covid around that is darn near impossible.

But I have folks like you who help me so much and I send you lots of hugs and love as you are such a awesome friend to me and I can never think that you are not doing great. Makes me very sad for real.

Relax, have great food and beverages and please try and remember that you are a great person here on SS and in life in general.

Always my best to such a great friend as you!

Walter

 

[irememberinnocence]

You are NOT a dumbass, if anyone is, then it is your housemate. When a person opens themselves up and one is given the "cold shoulder", then they are beyond a dumbass. We are all in this together period.

Now it might be that she was very uncomfortable talking about a subject at hand that was maybe kind of out of the blue, but still one always should convey that we are all one and together.

You are NOT a idiot ever, ever period. One of your caliber is the kind of person who one would want as a friend as you are kind, caring and a very thoughtful person. I picked that up in your post.

Please take good care of yourself, as I send lots of sunny days and beautiful blue skies to a good friend.

Walter

Thanks for responding to me in my moment of distress. It definitely helped. I ended up going back and talking with her later. I do suspect that she was taken aback when I first opened up about it. So it was her way of trying to cushion the blow I suppose. She is still insisting that I have at least a few years left and I will just let her believe that I guess. I haven't told her I am going to CBT because I don't want anyone interfering with my plans.

 

[Laddydragon]

I'm stupid

 

[SunnyPotato]

I feel so fucking alone. A little less on here with folks who won't try to lock me up or tear into me for being honest about wanting to ctb, but even here I feel like an outsider. Probably not alone in that though, if only that fact were comforting in the least.

 

[Imaginos]

Well, I turned 30 this month, so that fucking sucked. At least I've officially reached wizard status now, so that's something. Besides that, I also lost contact with someone who'd I'd been video chatting with for these past six months. After close to a thousand hours chatting with each other, they decided to up and ghost me one day, just like that. It caught me a little off guard, but I really can't seem to feel much of anything about it, save for a tinge of relief. Even though we both resonated with each other quite well, I still couldn't shake the same abyssal nothingness that rests in me always. If anything, it's now given me firm evidence that nothing and no one will ever alleviate this sense of crushing emptiness and isolated loneliness I have about everything. I'm just doomed to keep feeling the pain of it for the rest of my days on this planet, without the possibility for any kind of realizable alleviation to it.

 

[demuic]

I need to become even more of a hermit than I already am.

 

[Miiau]

I feel empty...

 

[Manaaja]

The dog selling sites are full of "The dog hates our new baby and needs to find a new home as possible before the baby gets eaten! Price: 1000€, don't buy if you aren't rich and live in a big mansion in the middle of the forest." You can't say that the dog needs to find a new home as soon as possible and then ask for 1000€. It's not good for the dog either. I'd rather someone pays 500€ and then saves the 500€ for vets and meds and toys and food.

I went to check GSDs. Half of the available puppies were from "eugenics inbreeding princess games" and half were from real GSDs. But those real GSDs were of course only sold for those who would have a hobby with them.

Some idiot is trying to quickly sell her mittelspitz because her life situation is bad and she can't take care of it, dog's age 4y and price was first 2700€ then lowered to 2500€. What is that life situation? Needing to buy 2500€ of weed?

And fuck those "If a breed dog costs less than 55430´+5i3409u64390u6439+6iu329+0 and a mix dog less than +0943i65+93456ui960483ujj6t9o4+2w it means that it's just a money maker!"

So in their shitty logic:

If someone demands 2500€ for a 4 year old dog that "quickly needs to be rehomed" = certainly not doing it for money.
If someone gives their 4 year old dog away for free after the owner got into an accident and can't walk any more = worst person ever.

Fuck that shitness.

 

[IQLESS]

Feeling tired of feeling anything. Thinking about upcoming work-related stuff that's really stressful.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Relaxed. It was a really rough early morning, but I made myself go to work and it ended up being a good day. I think I'm getting better at my new job. It was also pretty busy this morning, I was working with someone who kinda makes me nervous, but…. I didn't really feel stressed at all. Just put on the facade and got to work.

Reminds me of college, and my public speaking classes.

So yeah, I'm relaxed. Kinda high tbh, but it's fine. As time goes on I'm getting more relaxed and I hope tonight stays that way. Just chilling here, talking to friends/enjoying a meal/thinking about what to do later. I could try to play some video games, or eat popcorn with my cat (she likes it too and begs for it).

 

[irememberinnocence]

In a bad mood. I should stop watching documentaries about all the bad stuff happening in the world. I'm sure there's good stuff too. I just feel so disconnected from it all. I remember the phone free days. Nowadays you can't even get by without a phone because everything requires phone number or phone 2FA. I feel like my head space was better when I could just put my phone down for five minutes. But my view is skewed too. Those were the days when I still had the physical capacity to roam free without collapsing.

 

[Seaghost]

Sad, exhausted, hunted, incorrect, sleepless

Screaming for help but the only help is death.
I'd like to turn back time and made a new configuration of me. Like a new computer.
And I would never let fade the power of love for that special person. Never!!!

 

[littlelungs]

I've been sitting here for way too long trying to describe how the fuck I'm feeling and why, and I just can't. I don't know how to do it. I can't describe my emotions worth a flying fuck.

I can't think about anything else. I can't eat because of it. I know I need to eat but I feel so out of control and what goes in my body is the only thing I feel like I have left.

I feel like I'm being strangled on the inside. There's no remedy for it. There's no cure. Add it to the pile.

 

[W’ren]

I am worried someone might never interact with me again and that would destroy me.

I am already desperately sad, so alone… a family emergency proved to me that "family" means everyone BUT me.

I'm useless.

I'm in constant agony. When i'm not saying that i'm in pain, I'M STILL IN AGONY. Ugh. What do people not get? If i could spontaneously combust simply due to physical pain itself, it would have happened ages ago.

But it wouldn't have got to that because the mental agony i'm in has been there since… well, for at least 37 years. I'd have spontaneously combusted from that long before the physical pain reached the point it's at.

My dog is dying. DM is a terrible disease…. Watching him falter kills me. A month ago a tumour i've been keeping an eye on burst- and suddenly it's cancer.

I… Just… Can't.

When my beautiful, amazing, devoted, soul dog dies- i'll be right behind him.

 

[edu0z]

I don't feel anything anymore... I only exist

 

[needingpeace24]

I've lost too much weight in the last month or two. Feel a dull ache in my brain non stop. Woke up 3 times tonight dreaming I was falling off a cliff and seemed so real. Every day feels more and more like a mistake. I'm not well and shouldn't be here..

 

[irememberinnocence]

Why do some people turn the TV up so loud it shakes the house... Especially when they're capable of hearing at a normal volume. Noise is physically painful for me.

 

[Manaaja]

I'm feeling really bad and ill.

 

[stygal]

I wish it was only mental pain tormenting me - but no - whenever I move a bit I get reminded of what a cripple I am.

 

[Antigonish]

I really hate my job and being constantly broke. And I really hate that we have to work for money. And that I'm considering life as a prostitute. But that sounds painful and pathetic. And oh well guess I might as well get up and go to work. You know what everything is everything and this will be an awesome day no matter what happens. I'm gonna pass this shit with flying colors. Even though I know I'm disillusioned, I'm still gonna create a fantasy world in my mind and live there for the next 9 or 10hrs. That with the combination of vodka, will make me immortal. And then I'll have an very awesome day at work. *CHEERS*

Sadness, emptiness, anxiety and I just want to see my friends but I want them to hate me so they don't feel anything when I cbt

They'll never really hate you. Only get mad when you push them away. And really that madness is just a mask for the hurt they feel when you do push then away. Doing something to protect others, can also sometimes be the same as just protecting yourself.

Trust me I've learned the hard way. Met someone a while back, that I hadn't seen in years. And the first thing they said was, "I thought you were dead". It kinda hurt because I didn't know if they know about my attempt or if they were saying that because I kinda ghosted.