Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[DeathSleep]

I'm worried about the outcome of something important. I've been waiting for an answer for so long now.

If the outcome of what I've been waiting for is bad then I don't think I'll stick around much longer. I feel like I'm barely hanging on anyways. At this point even a small thing could make me feel like today is the day.

It makes me feel motivated to finish up my notes and organize my place.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

My dear michi, I can't believe life had to be this way, that all our love became this. Today I wrote my last will and testament, during this week I'll source the remaining drugs and make plans to end it all. I'm scared, I don't want to do this, but you left me no other way after you crushed my last hope: you knew I met you at a critical point in my life, you knew exactly how to destroy me and, I hope unintentionally, you did it. My heart is in a million pieces and even though my head sometimes feels I can move on, my soul just can't.

For fuck's sake, I'm even being ignored by people on a suicide forum when I ask for help regarding the pills I need, I'm sorry to be so passive-agressive guys, how could I hope my ex to give a shit? Specially when she's happy, making future plans with a brute, being rewarded by life after destroying mine. Karma doesn't exist. Justice doesn't either. All I've got is whatever dignity I have left to leave life on my terms.

Please, can anybody tell me the practical differences between benzodiazepam and zopiclone? About a chlorquine protocol? Hello? Are you there? Please, I hope my mother doesn't complicate things further by telling people or having me locked up. I told her just to be honest and so it wouldn't come off as a surprise. I still don't know the where and when, but I'd rather do it by the end of the month/beginning of the next one.

I'm scared. I'm defeated. I'm sad. I miss you, michi, I would give anything to turn back time so we could cook together again, cuddle watching Gossip Girl and make sweet love. I wish we could drive to the track again, I wish you could see me working as a professional interpreter, I wish you didn't end things before I got that job because I could've promised you a better future than that asshole you replaced me with.

I'm sorry everyone. Thank you all for everything. Love cars, love people, love life.

 

[CTB Dream]

no psbl doany this trap lif, no psbl any this unvris this wrld this bio all trap

 

[Salvation_]

Honestly, it's been a while since I've wanted to crash out this hard. I really miss my SN. I want to take a bus to somewhere I can't be found, go missing, and stop existing altogether. I have my own money to order SN but I'll probably wait until another source pops up other than DMC (sharing an address, package won't be discreet I'm assuming).

I'd been doing well since last June, but I'm really tired of being other people's punching bag. And my mental illness never really went away, I'm just really good at distracting myself from it. But I'm fucking tired. I don't want to live with myself for the rest of my life. There are days where I really, really miss my SN, and this is one of those days.

 

[Izzythebelle]

Dear Bestie,

I don't know how to tell you that I'm on this website without immediately worrying you. I'm scared you know me too well and you'll find me here and pull me aside and try to make me talk about it, but how do I say "I don't want to live for you anymore" and not hurt you?

I've been alive for so much longer than I wanted to be because I can't let you go. I can't bear the thought of you living and I can't be around to protect you. You saved my life when we were 7 and we have kept saving our lives over and over and over and I don't know how to beg you to stop because I'm tired, ######. I'm so. Tired. I love you so fucking much but I'm tired.

I don't want to live anymore and yet I'm here making a post to a website I pray you never find because despite how much I hate you for giving me a reason to live I'd still rather fucking try than give up.

bestie please, I'm so tired. Let me rest. Please. God please kill yourself so I can rest. I'm so sorry I even thought that. I can't lose you.

 

[Ringo]

I don't know why I reminisce about the past. I shelter there because it is my only happy place, I take refuge in those years when I was not the pathetic mess that I am today, when I still had hope and goals. But that's why it hurts so much, when I stop for a moment and think about it. I'm unable to move forward, whenever I try life beats me to the ground. I haven't changed a bit in almost 10 years, I'm still the same self-centered brat who ends up hurting everyone she interacts with. I'm still the same pathetic brat who resorts to escapism because she doesn't want to live in reality anymore. I'm the same fake brat who is unable to open up and whenever she do, everything goes wrong, wrong wrong wrong everthing is wrong, just what the heck is wrong with me? At this point, I am no longer sure.

After so long, I have not been able to overcome my bad habits. I set my plan in motion, I have already spent three months on my own death row and I'm still trying to abstract myself from reality. Ever since I was a child, I was the subject of arguments at home, and I always locked myself in, turned up the volume and tried to silence the shouting, I wanted to shut out that cold, stupid and indifferent world for a moment and travel to a less gloomy one.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I hate being alive. I hate my parents for creating me and I hate the fact that I exist. There's no guarantee that ending my life will end my existence either, because an afterlife might be there, and I hate that too. I'm so angry I want to trash my room and scream.

 

[4Kumo7]

I don't know, I rarely know/understand how I feel

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know, the subreddit for The Garden really sucks. Some of the people on there are great, but others are genuinely some of the most annoying and unlikeable dumbasses out there. Then again, it's Reddit so I shouldn't be surprised, plus the fan base for the band doesn't have the greatest reputation. Still, I feel like there has been an increase in stupid posts on there as of late.

 

[twilightSparriw]

I feel like a love & affection addict in a rehab…

 

[ventingfrustrations]

lost in translation from a world that doesn't care and an afterlife that doesn't exist (I have autism) even other autistic people are better than me at life I can't even play video games anymore I want the pain to stop I want to no longer exist. Experience the pain, cause self harm any way i can, I can't choke myself anymore with my hands. Revolver to the heart is my way out but waiting is exhausting. I talk to a paranoid person about hurting myself and it's probably going to make her worse if she keeps calling luckily i haven't heard from her in a while so hopefully she forgot about me. I can't read I can't watch tv and the only thing that brings me joy is talking about wanting to kill myself on here
I also can't watch movies before you ask

 

[Izzythebelle]

Dear Bestie,

Fuck I wish I could tell someone about the nature of our relationship lol. It sounds so cliche and suddenly every movie makes sense, but there isn't a friendship like ours out there. You could pluck a thousand stories of childhood friends with complicated feelings and growing up together and apart and closer again, but none the way we lived it. I love you so much, and I've seen you at your best and worst in ways you wouldn't even remember. Years throwing punches and raising voices and getting between each other and the guy we pissed off- we literally took so many hits for each other and I can't fucking stand how you won't let me beat the shit out of your girlfriend mother fucker would you please break up with her. Why are you still with her????? You're actively talking to yourself trying to convince yourself to stay in it and you know DAMN well that you want to be single.

It's not about whether you love her or not, it's not about saving the money on that fucking manic plane ticket, it's not even about how "oh shes helping me confront my demons and I'm a better person", no, dude, kid, bestie- you just want to be alone. I swear I know more about you than you know about yourself and it is killing me to see you struggle so hard to justify something you told me, one day one, you're ignoring so many red flags. DUDE. DAY. ONE. YOUR RED ALERTS WENT OFF. I WENT OFF. And you ignored every single warning.
And you know what, the fact that you called me today and didn't mention her once tells me everything.

If nothing else just tell her to give you some space. You need it.

 

[Seaghost]

Now after a big burden was removed from my soul I nevertheless suffer and don't feel like it's beeing better. I'm exhausted and theres so much pressure in my mind.
And even when im suffering I have a feeling that I'm trapped outside of my feelings. A dissociation of emptiness.

The dream of my cabin by a river holds on. It's not good for us to live in a metropole. Just a big cage...

Free just to be free like the wind is blowing over the landscapes.

 

[freethemindperson]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

In pain. Uncomfortable. Clogged up emotionally. Isolated. Hopeless. Mildly psychotic. Judged. Alone and surrounded. An unanswered question. An uncomfortable silence. Helpless. Lost. Scared. Wasted Potential. The end of the road. Fear.

 

[Arachno]

Recent weeks have been relatively shit due to me cracking a bone in my right hand so now I have a large uncomfortable cast. I still have two weeks to go. I'm such a fucking dimwit. OCD is getting worse, it's getting hard to even pick up a thing without without having an obesssion.

 

[DarknessWave]

I feel exhausted every single day, I can't even get a break.

 

[honestmind]

I feel exhausted, confused, and a little happy. I felt some happiness with my mom because of a song which was weirdly nice to experience. I spend so much time thinking about my ex and friendships that I've cut off and how I can't go back in time but also feel too alien and afraid of myself and my depression to connect with anyone else. Shooting myself occupies my brain every couple seconds and I'm nervous- somehow nervous that I both won't do it and will do it. I have no idea how to escape these thoughts other than suicide anymore. The thought of the end brings so much peace. Thinking about it all the time puts me on edge. My mother wants me to go to Indonesia to visit our family and sightsee a bit, and I think I'll still be plagued with these thoughts if I go but then come back and be unable to afford a gun. "It's too soon to kill yourself" and "I don't want to be here anymore" feel almost equal... I hate all those posts about people moving on from negative people and people with a victim mentality because I'm afraid that people think that about me. I really want to be anybody else. I'm 22- a weird age that seems to have a lot of time for things to change but also enough life behind me to realize that I might not really change. I have no real sense of identity out of my problems anymore and I don't have the strength to craft one and it terrifies me. Suicide is giving up before I suffer from my own past and choices anymore. I never expected I would die so lonely and unsure of myself. My expectations of life were too high I guess. I'm sorry for all the times I said things I shouldn't have and ruined my relationships. I can't comprehend what life should be or how I should live or why I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Unfortunately, I have the perfect combination of doubt and hope that keeps me from buying a gun but am always thinking about it and picturing my death and planning. I'm living at home, but still have an apartment at my university city so if I die my mom will have to find a way to clear it out. I might let my ex know that I'm dying. Makes me feel guilty that I didn't love him back but there's a part of me that still wants to be important to him and still sees him as important to me. I hope he's okay. Sorry to O and Z (R a little bit) for the things I've said- I really wasn't thinking. I'm now separate from the people I was forming new friendships with though I got pissed at one of them too, sorry A, and in a new city. Dropped out of school. Why am I like this? I feel like life might just be one big joke. I want to close my eyes and be done.
I feel exhausted, confused, and a little happy. I felt some happiness with my mom because of a song which was weirdly nice to experience. I spend so much time thinking about my ex and friendships that I've cut off and how I can't go back in time but also feel too alien and afraid of myself and my depression to connect with anyone else. Shooting myself occupies my brain every couple seconds and I'm nervous- somehow nervous that I both won't do it and will do it. I have no idea how to escape these thoughts other than suicide anymore. The thought of the end brings so much peace. Thinking about it all the time puts me on edge. My mother wants me to go to Indonesia to visit our family and sightsee a bit, and I think I'll still be plagued with these thoughts if I go but then come back and be unable to afford a gun. "It's too soon to kill yourself" and "I don't want to be here anymore" feel almost equal... I hate all those posts about people moving on from negative people and people with a victim mentality because I'm afraid that people think that about me. I really want to be anybody else. I'm 22- a weird age that seems to have a lot of time for things to change but also enough life behind me to realize that I might not really change. I have no real sense of identity out of my problems anymore and I don't have the strength to craft one and it terrifies me. Suicide is giving up before I suffer from my own past and choices anymore. I never expected I would die so lonely and unsure of myself. My expectations of life were too high I guess. I'm sorry for all the times I said things I shouldn't have and ruined my relationships. I can't comprehend what life should be or how I should live or why I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Unfortunately, I have the perfect combination of doubt and hope that keeps me from buying a gun but am always thinking about it and picturing my death and planning. I'm living at home, but still have an apartment at my university city so if I die my mom will have to find a way to clear it out. I might let my ex know that I'm dying. Makes me feel guilty that I didn't love him back but there's a part of me that still wants to be important to him and still sees him as important to me. I hope he's okay. Sorry to O and Z (R a little bit) for the things I've said- I really wasn't thinking. I'm now separate from the people I was forming new friendships with though I got pissed at one of them too, sorry A, and in a new city. Dropped out of school. Why am I like this? I feel like life might just be one big joke. I want to close my eyes and be done.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

The emotional battering never ends!

 

[Michi_Violeta]

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK FUCK FCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKJKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

FUCK THIS LIFE, FUCK THIS WORLD, FUCK FUCKING EVERY FUCKING THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING FOR FUCKS SAKE

NOW IT TURNS OUT MY FUCKIGN SUICIDE METHOD WONT EVEN WORK DESPITE BEING IN THE FUCKING PEACEFUL SHIT FUCK HANDBOOK AND IM FUCKING HAD IT WITH THIS BULLSHIT I CANT BELIVEVE IM FORCED TO FUCKIGN JUST ACCEPT EVERYTHING IN THIS PUTA VIDA DE MIERDA FOR FUCKING BULLSHIT SAKE IM SO TIRED OF THIS OF FUCKING NOTHINGE VER GOING MY FUCKINNG WAY GOD FUCKING SHIT I0 HATE THIS I HATE I T HARWE I HATE MY FUCKIN G SELF ANF MY FUCKING LIFE AND I FUCKING AHTE HEALING AND PEOPLE GIVNG EM JHIPOHPGEWIO'HIJOFE UUFKCING HOPE I HATE THIIIIIIIIS FUCKING SET ME FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I FUCKING LOVE HER AND THIS DIDNT HAVE TO HAPPEN AND MY FUCKING DREAMS ARE GONE AND I DONT WN AT P O9TGH 9P a
opZD9 FUCKING RUIN MY LAPTOP'S KEYBPARD BUT I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY I JUST PUNSHCED MY SELF IN THE HEAD AND I HATE THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

[Namelesa]

I am so mentally weak. I can't do anything. Everything is so tiring. I don't have enough willpower to deal with this constant. I feel lonely. I want huggie. Someone just take me and care for me. I am so helpless. To escape my suffering is such a long away away. I can't die or recover cus of my lack of options. Someone just save me.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

Look, I search for gore pics to double-check the aftermath of certain suicide methods, and I'm tired of seeing nude women. I'm trying to ensure I choose the right method—not be exposed to necro bait.

 

[Necessary Evil]

why am i so miserable. why am i so worthless. why am i so unloveable. i'm so stupid, so lonely. i feel so stupid to ever think i deserved to be loved. a girl like me it's not meant to be loved or to be cared for. i was born to be used, to be abandoned. i'm just a toy everyone use until they get bored. im so sick of this. so sick of my life. so sick of pretending i'm okay. so sick of everyone and everything. i just want to isolate myself. not talk to anyone. i don't want anyone to see me. nobody wants to see me either way… im an ugly, disgusting person. i deserve to be tortured this way.

 

[사람이 없어]

Intense stomach pain and hunger. It's rare for me to feel this hungry.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

Tired (very, very tired) of dealing with the crap that life keeps throwing at me.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I found myself mentally regressing to my childhood, when things were okay, or, at least I perceived the world to be okay.

Realistically, I was naïve. I'm in a world where we all hurt each other while actively seeking relief from the hurt we (often unintentionally) do. I want to recover, I really do. At the same time I see no hope for me in the long term future. I was pushed to be a great person and instead I gave up young. I was told at the age of 12 that I was too young to be thinking of suicide and it'll go away as I age. Over a decade later, I'm still thinking this way. If I spend my whole life in "recovery", is it worth it? Is it worth spending so much time, effort, and money just to not actively want to die instead of cherishing that I'll eventually pass therefore it's okay to give in?

Everyone is surviving, everyone is hurting. I matter to no one, and if I did, they should have said it while I was alive. At the same time, people who said I matter are either people paid to say it or friends who inevitably leave me a short time later (as quick as a month).

I've been lied to for so long. I wish I was young and naïve again.

 

[Yonlux]

Thinking about the pointless of the existence, in the end it doesn't matter (yes, Linkin Park reference lol).
Speaking seriously, in the end all will go to being to non-being, so why care about the sense of your decisions or something like that? Don't make sense, leastwise that can bring liberty and maybe "light" to your life, perharps i don't see that really, if nothing have point so i just wanna to be non-being most fastest than possible until because being (life) means essentially suffer so being to non-being is my goal i think, i hope to get that in this year (i'm much inspired by the philosophy of Phillipp Mainländer in his book "The Philosophy Of Redemption").

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I can't live with the idea that the person who destroyed me is happy. I can't live with the idea that the person who destroyed me and is happy is also the person I've loved the most in these past few years and a person who said she'd love me forever. I can't live in a world where the best version of myself wasn't enough for the only hope at love I've had in 7 years. I can't live with the idea that the world is a cruel and unfair place where we all have to accept whatever life throws our way no matter how shitty it is. I can't live with the idea that I did everything I was told and more and it didn't bring me any closer to my dreams. I can't live with the idea that my efforts are meaningless and that all I have is something any other regular Joe can have: friends, family, and a job. I can't live without my michi, without Violeta, without love and a dream.

I can't live. I'm sorry, mother. I'm sorry, friends. I did all I could. I just expected that life would be fair, that my beloved would be fair. But if there's no fair, then I can't live. I'm sorry.

 

[soledad.virgen]

its better to stay away from everyone i love than drag them down with my misery and emptiness

 

[disasterplant]

I have a headache. I'm tired. I need to get out of bed and shower and get ready to head to class early in the morning but I lack the energy and motivation. I just want to bed rot. That's all I really wanna do anymore.

 

[tartè]

I feel so fucking fat right now. I binged a lot today.. and although its hard for me to gain weight, I literally feel like I weigh 408kg.