Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[CTB Dream]

this lif rly awfl me alws pain sffr this n oend

 

[flowersinbed_]

I feel like my head is splitting open. I just joined the site today as I could no longer keep my thoughts to myself. I had been frequenting as a guest for around 3 or so years but I never had the urge to create an account if I was only browsing discussion boards for personal reasons and answers to questions.

Because of that I think today marks the day where I've given up completely due to the fact that I will walk around my house and see my belongings, my dog, and my family photos and begin to cry because it feels like my life is already over, and these things will cease to be in my world soon.

 

[meowwww]

scared. sad. lonely. jealous. I just want someone to treat me like it's my last week alive without telling them that

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly sad no knw wat do

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Feeling pretty relieved right now. I passed my first midterms for two of my courses and I got a pretty high mark for one of them.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Today was a rough day. I felt the sting of isolation deeply. I felt as though I am truly alone in an uncaring and cruel universe. Everything I do turns to shit. And yet I get arrogant about my abilities which are not particularly good in the first place. There are so many more people so much better than me.

I just want to sleep. I'm so tired of this that and everything else. It needs to be soon. But I still want to live. That's what makes it so much harder. I don't want to die. I just know the future will be utter Hell for me, and that my best option is taking control of my future myself. It is so hard to ctb even when you want to, even when you try. Much less when you don't want to at all. This sucks. It's not fair. But no one said life was fair. I should have been dead 15 years ago, 100 times over. Somehow I always survive. I always survive. Life will kill me in the end anyway but not before torturing me for a few more decades. The truth is power prevails no matter what. And the peons always suffer the most. What a farce.

I need to be free of this tragedy. Free of this existence. Just let me leave. I can't take much more.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So tired... Numb, depression etc..... I just want to leave this awful world.
I just want to sleep....
So So Tired.....

 

[bieatmania]

I feel very dumb and tired but in good way from drugs, I can talk about things I am usually scared to do. it also makes me angry and want to argue with people but I know it's pointless so I restrain myself from doing that.
I have hope that tomorrow is just as good as today, or yesterday.

 

[RegretedFeeling]

I'm sitting In the observation wing at the psych ward. I haven't had a cigarette in like 20 hours and I'm going pretty crazy over it. There are a bunch of medication errors on my record one being that I'm allergic to epinephrine... That made me a little worried like someone out to get me... I had a orgy 2 days ago and yesterday not feeling completely clean I asked for that 24 hour later pill that will kill everything.
Any other girl on the planet would have recieved it but I was denied for it. It's 36 hours later so if I'm fucked guess I'm fucked. I came here with cuts all down my arms and legs and bleeding from some pretty rough sex. Suicidal intensions. I'm trapped here for now. I'm hoping I get to go to the main area where they allow smoking. They haven't fed me since I've been here, I'm starving but I'm also suicidal so IDGAF.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly wat do thiss alld dtriort all pain sffr

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Am I really going to end my life because of a woman who left me and a childhood dream that just didn't work out?

It's likely. I'm tired. There's nothing dramatically wrong with my life —I have a good family, good friends, I'm a physically healthy person— but I've just made my mother cry because she asked what was wrong and I just exploded. I didn't say anything mean to her or anything, I just vented on how fucking exhausted I am with how life feels unfair. No matter how hard I try, no matter how good I am, the kind of love I want and need and deserve after years of bullying and mistreatment...it just never comes. She represented a new hope, the chance of things becoming better during a moment in life I was doing my best to rebuild and push forwards: she left me for a fucking asshole MMA fighter and she's letting him change her beautiful personality.

Following my dreams of racing has been pointless, doing a master's in Germany was pointless. I have no reason to stay in my country, no reason to live elsewhere, I have no fucking goals or dreams or anything I want out of life anymore. I just want her to come back, please, God, you didn't see me on my knees for years and you finally did, and you have me wearing a medallion on my chest, please, please, bring my Michi back. I'll fix Violenta when she returns and I'll give it another shot, I promise, I promise I will do my best, but just give me something for FUCK'S SAKE JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BELIEVE THAT ALL THIS BULLSHIT LIFE OF FALLING DOWN AND GETTING BACK UP MAKES ANY SORT OF FUCKING SENSE BECAUSE I'M LOSING IT AND I DON'T WANT MY MOTHER TO CRY OR TO KEEP TYPING HITTING MY KEYBOARD IN ANGER WHILE MY MOM IS IN ANOTHER ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I TOLD HER I WANT TO FUCKING END THIS BECAUSE LIFE JUST CAN'T FUCKING GIVE ME WHAT I DESERVE AND WANT LIKE I WAS SOME SORT OF UNLOVABLE PIECE OF SHIT DESPITE EVERYONE TELLING ME I'M GOOD AND FUCKING HELL I DIDN'T DESERVE THIS NATALIA PLEASE

 

[onthefence]

I'm feeling like being an absolute shit and am considering going to my place, getting everything set up and texting my therapist "I'm climbing off the fence, tell them I'm sorry" but that is a horrible thing to do to anyone. I'm exhausted and lately had the epiphany that I have been screwed since birth and no matter what I do I will not be able to make things better. I am broken beyond repair. I want out so bad but am trapped.

 

[Seaghost]

As I thought, after doing neccessary stuff the fatique is back, destroying everything und fucks up my sleep. A cursed life...who don't wanna have it :/.
I'm done...not able to went to grocery store today... I failed...

Fuck Fuck Fuck

 

[sukiduki]

i feel sad and empty and lost. i'm trying to let go of something i know i should but it's really hard. last night i made the decision to actively try to forget and release. but i really wish i could erase my memory. the pain hurts. i wanna disappear.

 

[Cavalcade]

Hit with a terrible wave of grief over my own misery. I finally clawed my way out of an acute depressive episode and self isolation long enough to speak to my brother and a friend, and was just crushed all over again when I realized that literally no one else in my life really gave a fuck. I mean, I've known for a few months now, but it's incredibly depressing that it really doesn't matter whether I'm around or not, so I just keep feeling like- I might as well not be then, and spare myself the trouble, because no one fucking cares, anyway. I'm just miserable. It's not healthy to pile everything on the shoulders of my brother and one of our mutual friends, but it makes me feel like such a freak. I keep thinking about how much easier it would be if I just cut everyone out of my life entirely, and I... think that I might seriously need to do that before graduate school, because I cannot afford this level of misery while pursuing my studies. I guess I might as well begin transitioning over my accounts and all of that. Even if I back out of it in the short term, it'll be easier to have those all on hand and prepared for when I do jump ship, I guess.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly brain hurt wat do this lif all awfl this unvrs all awfl this species all awfl this injury damage

 

[totheark_74]

Useless

 

[Cavalcade]

Terribly resigned. This wasn't anything so crude as a test- that would be childish. It was more so just an eye opening moment. If my absence and presence are both negligible, then it just... makes sense? To cut my losses, and to stop dragging the corpse of it all with me. It's pathetic. You can't make things work, just because you so badly want them to. You can only haul a body so far. I won't stay where I'm unwanted, and I'm not nearly rude enough to attempt to impose or force myself into situations where it's been made clear that I am not welcome: unlike how some people have never deigned to give me an iota of the same courtesy. I would have preferred for parties involved to be more mature, instead of a coward's way out of a slow fade, or outright ignoring my existence to my face, but you know, you take what you can get. At least I've finally been able to come to a resolution that's been a long time in the making. If people around me are going to be so ruthlessly selfish, then it's only fair that I start looking out for myself- not a single goddamn one of them would for me, after all. If people wanted me in their lives: they wouldn't have ignored me after I tried to kill myself. The silence is deafening. But I understand well enough where I stand- it doesn't mean that I have to put up with it, though. I'm allowed to walk away.

 

[Timelapse]

I feel so small and insignificant.

 

[sadsoni]

Did some lalaundry after days of procrastination. Scrolling through the playlists but everything is so dull and boring. Even water feels bad. No energy to make anything so I might settle for a poor takeout diet yet again.

Is it despair? Hopelessness? I don't know.

 

[Lullaby]

There's seriously nothing like waking up to total nonsense. I've been awake for an hour and I'm already struggling not to break down.

Sometimes I wonder if past lives and karma are really a thing, the way life just piles on top of you and you start to think what you might've done to deserve it.

I've been dealing with food poisoning for over a week, my mom is being an asshole through texts, and now most of my funds are totally gone from my bank and I'm going to have to fight to get any help from them, apparently... I don't even know how I'm going to pay for some of my bills this month.

It's inching to that point where it feels like not even my cat is enough of a reason anymore to stay and deal with the constant bullshit everyday. It's a big struggle when you have such few joys compared to the disappointments.

Definitely mentally checking out and shutting down this weekend.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So so tired... I'm barely awake. I can't nap. It will mess up my sleep later.
Lost the battle I'm taking a nap.

 

[elkheart]

It might be time to watch Moana 2...?

 

[CTB Dream]

want slp nvr wake this rly awfl lif hadnf

 

[zappynomore]

Sad burnt out. Very tired.

 

[sukiduki]

im angry im upset i dont wanna live anymore i feel like no one wants to truly understand how i feel or where im coiming from and all my effort is unrecognized. i desparately want to go to sleep and die in my sleep and never wake up again tmrw.

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

Worthless, helpless and clueless. How the heck am I supposed to rise up from my situation as a winner? I am so sick of explaining the same things to my friends etc. About my hopeles situation over and over again if even could do that to everybody around me tbh. I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel for me. The only thing I can see is pitch-black veil of darkness looming in front of me everywhere I roam and it is making me more and more overwhelmed step by step. Why can't this journey of torture and cruelty just end?

I don't know if I am willing enough to die because I have my moments of short-sighted joy and excitement. But eventually the fix of joy and excitement ends and I stumble again and find myself again flattened on my face and think, is that even worth anymore, those short fixes of joy and excitement. Like a hit from a joint they are after all, coloring the dull gray or miserable black mindspace only for a while. Why this cycle has to continue? Can't my brain just admit finally that there's simply no hope for me anymore that no infinite amount of theraphy can't fix? Why does my brain have to hit the copium button when I am quite sure there's no end to this, this lament I feel deep inside? Why, just why doesn't it consider this endless loop as a mindfuck torture and would consider putting end to it? Just why my brain wants to sustain all this toxicity I have to come contact with every day during silent hours when mind isn't able to seek for another short-lived fix of joy and exitement? Those silent hours, they are full of agonizing pain and suffering. Why, why isn't the cost of those silent hours enough for you, my dear brain?

You see, I keep continuing this query from you but you are an evil dictator and just want me to stop asking these vital questions and struggle forever. You want me to get exhausted and out of non-anxious breaths. You want me to panic and tear my whole self into a million pieces. All this, through your stubborn attitude to keep me in line with your demands. The demands to live and shut the fuck up about its consequences. To live, even with this non-ending cruelty and pain.

Well, like all that I've said before implies that mind is a prison (for many, myself included) like a wise man once said. Why can't I free myself off of its shackles? Maybe I have to manifest something unknown to me but what and how? Maybe that manifestation would make me realize something and make me do something my brain cannot overpower with its sustaining-itself-with-all-cost logic. Maybe that manifestation would free me from my brain's wicked tactics by suicide, maybe it is something else. But how? Just how...?

Well, this text became quite interesting actually in the end and I only had to express myself how I am feeling rn. Excuse me for a long of a text but this actually eased me a little. I have to figure that manifestation part though...

 

[anonymouswebuser]

intense anger, I just want to smash everything in front of me and have a breakdown afterwards

 

[CTB Dream]

rly no knw wat do all trap all pain sffr

 

[sukiduki]

venting more anger. who do you think you are, do you think you're so grand and so important that i'd lie or sneak about to get to you? you're literally not that great. do you think your shit doesn't stink? you are not that special. for you to think i would be a liar or sneak around is really so offensive to me. and you fail to recognize what i did for you. what great things did you ever do for me? what i did wasn't ok? what you did was not ok! you're so pompous. i hate that its taking me now to see it. like fuck offfffff. im only in this mess because of you. you messed with me first. go trip on some rocks. get a scratch on your car. fckn stop thinking you're better than me or that you're on some high road.