Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[sukiduki]

still confused as to why someone who can't do the bare minimum for a date offer to take me on one. if you didn't wanna pick me up and drop me off, why offer? if you didn't wanna pay, why offer? but you were happy to accept gifts from me tho, huh? its really so confusing i don't think i'll ever understand.

 

[Promised Heaven]

High on weed for two days in a row like the loser I am.

 

[onthefence]

I got into graduate school. I should be over the moon with joy: but I'm terrified of how I'm going to handle it. People who are perfectly healthy and well adjusted enter grad school, and leave with horrific mental health problems. The statistics look grim as all fuck for that demographic. I already have awful mental health problems- what the hell is it going to do to me? My older brother reassures me that he believes in me, that I'll have him to lean on if I get scared or overwhelmed, but I can't help but stew in anxiety about whether I'm going to be good enough to do this. I feel like I've just pulled the world's wildest con of all time, and I'm going to be found out as a fraud, as ridiculous as it sounds.

Congratulations. I'm working 50 hour weeks, caring for a sick person in my life, and doing grad school. I'm also pretty old. And obviously since I'm here I want to CTB. I think if I can do it you can too. I also feel like a total imposter despite working in the same field I'm getting the degree in for over 15 years. Just take it one assignment at a time and schedule in time to do some fun things.
I feel like I have really fucked things up for real this time. I am so malnourished that my hair is falling out and my nails aren't growing anymore. I'm having a hard time hiding my messed upness and believe people have to see that things aren't good but just don't care. My filter is broken and I keep saying things I shouldn't and wouldn't if I was slightly sane. Today I told a coworker I want to disappear. Ugh. I'm terrified that I'm close to collapsing and then I won't have any control over what happens. But I just can't stop doing things that are bad for me. I just want to be gone. Poof.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel so happy right now! We just won the 4 Nations Face-Off!

 

[sukiduki]

i feel like a loser for posting on this thread kinda often but i don't feel like i have anywhere else to fully express my thoughts and feelings. i feel so alone rn. idk if it'll get better. part of me wants to die in the comfort of my own bed, but i worry it's the wrong thing to do to my family to make them find me dead. but dying in a hotel seems lonely. well either way i am lonely. i wish it weren't like this but it's always been this way. i've lost hope. idk if i ever truly had it. idk idk idk

 

[handsomestboy]

Grief, regret and confusion. I am losing myself to someone who isn't gone yet

 

[mikgazer6]

Annoyed and amused. Missed an online midterm in an easy but very tedious class. Now I have to waste away double the hours to retain a B for what could've been an A. What I find funny is I can put up with the suicidal thoughts, long term dissociation, inability to find connection, pessimistic beliefs etc, but something as trivial as this is what gets to me. There are more amusing details branching from this thought that I can think of elaborating with, but to keep with the post's prompt, I'll stop here.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

Pain betrayal heartbreak numbness. Simply the reality of the cold, cruel world. There's nothing to be pained over. There's no reason to hate or rage at the unfairness. Because that is simply life. The dice are rolled, and whatever comes up comes up. You can play the game with whatever hand you're dealt, but most people are going to throw away a 7/2. The odds are simply not in their favor. And that is me now even though I got dealt some good hands too. The turn happened and I know what the river card will be.

The whole time I thought I was the evil one. But I had no idea what true evil was

 

[BlendedHeart]

I can't seem to fit anywhere. Every time I found a community or something that seems to be my place, I only get disappointment in return. It's my fault. I'm too weird.

 

[Rabbit-]

I'm such a godawful excuse for a friend. What's wrong with me? Why was I made so incorrectly- That I can't socialize properly?

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Lonely. Sometimes I wished that my imaginary friends were real people. The thing is, I know that if they were real my relationships with them probably would be significantly less ideal than I imagine them to be, so I guess in a way I'm thankful that this isn't the case.

There is this one imaginary friend who I have who I basically consider to be my best friend (though sometimes it feels like if he were real we would probably be in a QPR with each other, lol) and I often think about how nice it would be if he were real. Still, my friendship with him in particular is probably one of the best friendships I've ever had, which is pathetic since he is basically just an extension of me. I have trouble with making friends irl and I also don't really want irl friends since I find irl friendships to be too stressful for me. I feel safer around my imaginary friends since I don't have to stress out about them potentially abandoning me or talking shit about me. At the same time, having real people to hang out with has its own benefits, such as being able to hear about unique experiences and opinions and being able to gain new insight. You just can't do that with imaginary friends.

My mom keeps on pestering me about trying to make friends at my uni but I don't want to befriend anyone from there. I'm not interested in forming friendships in general, but I especially don't want to be friends with people who go to the same school as me. The only friendships I feel interested in are my imaginary ones, especially the ones I have with him.

I don't really know where I'm going with this rant, tbh. I guess I sometimes can't help but find it boring being alone all the time, even though I do love being alone.

While getting to see my dad and my brother sometimes helps to fill that void a bit (I've always had a close bond with my dad that's a bit similar to a friendship) it just isn't the same. My brother is around a decade younger than me and my dad is, well, my dad. I love my bf but we don't live in the same country so I can't hang out with him. Plus, he is my bf and he is older than me. None of it is the same as interacting with someone platonically around my age. Sometimes it gets to a point where I think about reconnecting with my friends from high school, but that would be embarrassing and pretty awkward since I cut myself off from them years ago.

It's weird because I don't like interacting with people but I still sometimes crave human connection. I guess this just comes down to me being human and all. Being a part of a highly social species means instinctively wanting to form social connections, I guess (at least under neurotypical circumstances).

 

[enduringwinter]

I don't want to do it. I don't want to do these things. I hate it.

 

[Promised Heaven]

I'm gonna eat a high protein yogurt and ultimately begin fasting for 3 days (with exceptions for vitamins).

Taking weed for over 3 weeks to cope with friend loss has destroyed me and my tolerance is so high 20mg now is what 2mg felt like to me just two months ago. I gotta reset my tolerance otherwise I'd be destroying my bank account.

I'm broken. This is keeping the rest of my will to live in check.

 

[33-vertebrae]

Feeling like I wanna write a manifesto.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I am annoyed, frustrated and angry. Once again I made the same mistake as before, but this time for the last time

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

Finally, I've found a way to die which I am 80% sure will work, can't wait to write up a notes page, gather materials and die! Yippee

 

[TheShadows]

Frustrated, sad and guilty.

 

[FoxSauce]

Lay on my bed and die

 

[manicstreetbeeper]

longing. i want to be held.

 

[Mav]

I want to die. Fast & painless. That's on loop through my head.

 

[Prism]

I hate it here

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

longing. i want to be held.

I feel the same....

 

[defrauder9000]

eepy rawr zzzz

 

[Minerva___]

I miss and love my friends and I feel like I've lost everyone I've loved dearly in the last 2 months. The pain of the loneliness and grief are unbearable. I wish I had someone I could call when I'm in danger or when I'm in extreme distress. I wish I had a loving mother. I wish I had someone who could come bring me food because I haven't had the energy to eat in 3 days and I can't take care of my cat. I wish I had someone who could come tidy my apartment. I feel like such a mistake. I just want to be dead already. I'm tired of loving and grieving so much. I'm tired of feeling so lonely my entire life.

 

[quietism]

I feel like a broken twig.

I am terrified. I am terrified that I won't get to make any irl friends this year. I am terrified of getting told one more time that I'm not worth it because I'm not normal enough, plain enough, bland enough. Because I'm not willing to hurt others or myself for it. That I am meant to make myself small and insignificant before I will be recognised legitimate.

I have been crying all day. It's really gotten to me today.

 

[moya117]

numb and lost

 

[Skallagrim]

Panic. Not quite panic. But severe, deep anxiety.

 

[sorrymyfault]

I feel like god created me for my suffering, I don't care if this sounds like blasphemy or not but I have a deep hatred for whoever is responsible for my existence

 

[Igotaplane]

I'm feeling a lot of guilt and resentment towards myself. I feel like me being alive is only burdening and causing other people hurt. My friends deserve someone who's stable, not whatever I am.

 

[sukiduki]

i went out today and i spent time with people but i still feel sad and alone. i miss someone in particular, but it is what it is, right? but the sadness doesn't go away. idk what to do. i never do. i tried to take a nap and i always wake up hot and covered in sweat. even in my sleep it seems i can't relax. i feel like i have a million thoughts and no thoughts at the same time. maybe happiness really isn't for me. i wish to go away. i wish i knew what it was to be loved and cared for before i do go away tho. it hurts. its a empty hurt sometimes. its a full and piercing hurt sometimes. its a soft hurt sometimes. idk.