Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[sukiduki]

im angry im upset i dont wanna live anymore i feel like no one wants to truly understand how i feel or where im coiming from and all my effort is unrecognized. i desparately want to go to sleep and die in my sleep and never wake up again tmrw.

 

[Crash_Bash_Dash]

Worthless, helpless and clueless. How the heck am I supposed to rise up from my situation as a winner? I am so sick of explaining the same things to my friends etc. About my hopeles situation over and over again if even could do that to everybody around me tbh. I just don't see light at the end of the tunnel for me. The only thing I can see is pitch-black veil of darkness looming in front of me everywhere I roam and it is making me more and more overwhelmed step by step. Why can't this journey of torture and cruelty just end?

I don't know if I am willing enough to die because I have my moments of short-sighted joy and excitement. But eventually the fix of joy and excitement ends and I stumble again and find myself again flattened on my face and think, is that even worth anymore, those short fixes of joy and excitement. Like a hit from a joint they are after all, coloring the dull gray or miserable black mindspace only for a while. Why this cycle has to continue? Can't my brain just admit finally that there's simply no hope for me anymore that no infinite amount of theraphy can't fix? Why does my brain have to hit the copium button when I am quite sure there's no end to this, this lament I feel deep inside? Why, just why doesn't it consider this endless loop as a mindfuck torture and would consider putting end to it? Just why my brain wants to sustain all this toxicity I have to come contact with every day during silent hours when mind isn't able to seek for another short-lived fix of joy and exitement? Those silent hours, they are full of agonizing pain and suffering. Why, why isn't the cost of those silent hours enough for you, my dear brain?

You see, I keep continuing this query from you but you are an evil dictator and just want me to stop asking these vital questions and struggle forever. You want me to get exhausted and out of non-anxious breaths. You want me to panic and tear my whole self into a million pieces. All this, through your stubborn attitude to keep me in line with your demands. The demands to live and shut the fuck up about its consequences. To live, even with this non-ending cruelty and pain.

Well, like all that I've said before implies that mind is a prison (for many, myself included) like a wise man once said. Why can't I free myself off of its shackles? Maybe I have to manifest something unknown to me but what and how? Maybe that manifestation would make me realize something and make me do something my brain cannot overpower with its sustaining-itself-with-all-cost logic. Maybe that manifestation would free me from my brain's wicked tactics by suicide, maybe it is something else. But how? Just how...?

Well, this text became quite interesting actually in the end and I only had to express myself how I am feeling rn. Excuse me for a long of a text but this actually eased me a little. I have to figure that manifestation part though...

 

[anonymouswebuser]

intense anger, I just want to smash everything in front of me and have a breakdown afterwards

 

[CTB Dream]

rly no knw wat do all trap all pain sffr

 

[sukiduki]

venting more anger. who do you think you are, do you think you're so grand and so important that i'd lie or sneak about to get to you? you're literally not that great. do you think your shit doesn't stink? you are not that special. for you to think i would be a liar or sneak around is really so offensive to me. and you fail to recognize what i did for you. what great things did you ever do for me? what i did wasn't ok? what you did was not ok! you're so pompous. i hate that its taking me now to see it. like fuck offfffff. im only in this mess because of you. you messed with me first. go trip on some rocks. get a scratch on your car. fckn stop thinking you're better than me or that you're on some high road.

 

[Alcoholic Teletubby]

 

[bieatmania]

I'm such a great man for refusing to understand other culture's norm and aggressively attacking them in way it directly affects their state of existence(physical attack and economic manipulation).

 

[dopamineaddict]

I feel very anxious and guilty. I'm scared of the future but I don't want to change. I feel the need to escape from my thoughts but also the need to talk to someone just to feel better.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Today I feel a mix of calm, acceptance that my day will come soon, but still an overwhelming sadness and emptiness. I have never been this low before. I have lost control of my personal hygiene, I do not care about work or my academic career. I'm just existing until my chosen CTB date arrives.

 

[08ALW]

Desperate to find a way

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know, sometimes whenever I come across any stressors, even minor ones, I can't help but think that I wouldn't have to deal with this shit if I was never born. I hate the fact that I exist. Being forced into dealing with all of these meaningless obstacles, one after the other, is annoying. Some people like to try and claim that you have to go through obstacles in life for a reason. They act as though learning to overcome them will lead to some sort of reward in the end but it doesn't. All of this is for nothing.

I often think about just dropping out of uni but what would I do if I did that? At the same time, I haven't applied for a major yet, I'm already behind my peers from the same year as me because I can't take any courses for my year level due to not being able to get into the course needed to do that, I also need to complete a lot more courses in order to graduate but I'm afraid that by upping my course load I might risk stressing myself out again and going back to where I was before, and so on.

I understand that none of this is that big of a deal. This is all pretty minor stuff, especially compared to a lot of the shit posted on here, but I'm tired. Worrying about all of this pointless shit is just so annoying. I love my parents a lot but I also resent them for giving birth to me. I don't like being alive and I've wanted to die since childhood. I don't like existing and having to deal with all this pointless crap.

 

[Done_with_the_world]

Inconsolableness and worthlessness, also hatred for the world in general for me having to exist in it. And for my selfish birth mom and dad fooling around and making an accident that was never needed or wanted originally by them. Or for them never telling me how nuts they actually were with their mental disorders. For having a horrible mind that sabotages ever good thing I do. If I don't actively hurt and sabotage myself, my unconscious will do it. Which totally makes what I was working towards useless.

I'm sick of everything, the past, trying to plan for a future I thought I would never have, and putting up with cheerful people all around me. I hate pretending to be happy, and then if I just want to be alone and not talk, people will ask what's wrong. I can't explain that to them. It would just drag them down. I only end up making everyone around me more miserable, so what even is the point?

 

[zappynomore]

numb, just want a way out.

 

[CTB Dream]

this rly pain ya me no psbl any no resn sty this lif me vege potat

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Now I feel even worse than earlier today since my birthday is coming up soon. I don't want to turn 22. Getting older is something that scares me. Ideally, I'd like to die before the age of 25, if not then at least before the age of 30.

 

[Liammm]

Fucking unbridled fury. It doesn't matter what god DAMNED words I say, how mature, how carefully i pick my words my wife fucking emotionally abuses me for it. I set one tiny boundary, I didn't want to talk about the nature of a support group I was gonna go to and now she has been fucking crying and wailing for 3 god DAMNED hours. Holy fucking shit. I must be a fucking psychopath right?? Did I do something that bad? I literally verbatim said "I purposely was vague about the group, because I'd like to keep it to myself." That was it-- is that that fucking shitty and terrible to say? I didn't yell, I didn't do anything but answer her question on why I was vague about it.



She got even more upset when I said we shouldn't have a deep conversation about it at fucking MIDNIGHT, and neither of us are in an emotionally good state and she had the fucking audacity to say "you always do this." WHAT THE FUCK??? MY BAD, LETS FUCKING TALK AT 12 AM WHILE EMOTIONALLY DRAINED AND SEE HOW WELL THAT ENDS UP? I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT 6!!! AND I CAN'T GO TO SLEEP BECAUSE SHE IS STILL CRYING!!!

I understand she can't control what she feels. But this is exhausting-- no, fucking exhausting after years and no change.

I would love for her to read through my phone again and find this post, cause that will literally be the end of our marriage if this isn't already. I can't take this-- I love her to death, God knows, but I can't take this.

So yeah. I'm angry.

 

[DeathSleep]

I feel like I want to self harm. I feel trapped. I feel lonely.

 

[darlingdopamine]

Hopeless. But also knowledge I'll feel slightly better, for a time, but never happy, never joy, never good. Just less bad. Able to do the bear minimum without constant agony. And then no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I'll always be right back here. Year after year after year. Hopeless.

 

[notfor]

I feel detached from the world. I dont miss people that much, in specific terms (like old friends). But i do miss "people", in general(keep a regular contact or having friendships).The loneliness is taking over.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I feel more indecisive than usual. And like my brain is just trying to block out any significant thoughts. I have OCD therapy later and I'm really not in a talking mood.

 

[Lullaby]

Ugh, guysss…

My mom is having knee replacement surgery tomorrow and asked for one of my bags to use for her stuff since she's staying overnight; I ended up giving her my backpack that I don't really use anymore, and completely fucking forgot that I had a really personal diary in there.

I use a new one, but that journal has so much of my venting, frustrations, suicidal thoughts, etc…

She gave it to me before I realized, but my stomach dropped completely. Even though she didn't mention anything and I'm kinda freaking out over no proof, she's definitely the type of person who would've peaked inside.

I actually had a good morning after my ECT session and felt pretty good, but it quickly tanked due to a bunch of stuff piling on top of me; people being assholes, disappointing news, and now this.

 

[angelz08]

heavy

 

[CTB Dream]

no psbl doany no resn sty this lif rly awfl this loseall

 

[Prism]

So nice to see people here of all places say things that make you feel even worse about yourself

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I love you. I still do. But this is too much. The uncertainty, knowing you're now drinking heavily and training MMA with that soldier boy asshole, that life keeps rewarding you when you mistreated me and that you know you can reach out anytime but decide not to. Because you know I really loved you and it's so painful to be healing on a subconscious and basic level when I haven't healed and I haven't moved on and I have no reason to.

Each day I feel that suicide is the answer, that I don't want to go through life carrying these scars and that I don't want to put in more work after all this heartbreak. I don't, and I'm sorry for my mother and my friends and the people who do love me because I don't want them to feel they weren't enough: they're just not the right fit for the hole I've had in my soul for years. You were, Natalia, you were my Michi. Violeta was too. And now both of you destroyed me, you destroyed that happy and goofy boy that always got back on this feet because he loved people, he loved cars, and he loved life. Now I just want to be in peace, I want to finally have the dignity the world denied me and that I wasn't strong enough to reclaim for myself because I was never taught I should fight for something as basic as decency or empathy.

In a few months time someone other than me will probably access this account and look at my post history. You're probably someone close to me, I love you, and I love my mother, please tell her that. But also tell my Michi I loved her to the very end and that, even though my death will largely be a consequence of her actions because she knew full well how much hurt I was carrying before I met her, tell her please that I'll give her another chance if we meet in a world beyond Earth. I still dream of living a San Junipero ending and she'd be perfect to sit in the passenger seat of a Miata alongside me for a drive along Amalfi's coast...