I feel exhausted, confused, and a little happy. I felt some happiness with my mom because of a song which was weirdly nice to experience. I spend so much time thinking about my ex and friendships that I've cut off and how I can't go back in time but also feel too alien and afraid of myself and my depression to connect with anyone else. Shooting myself occupies my brain every couple seconds and I'm nervous- somehow nervous that I both won't do it and will do it. I have no idea how to escape these thoughts other than suicide anymore. The thought of the end brings so much peace. Thinking about it all the time puts me on edge. My mother wants me to go to Indonesia to visit our family and sightsee a bit, and I think I'll still be plagued with these thoughts if I go but then come back and be unable to afford a gun. "It's too soon to kill yourself" and "I don't want to be here anymore" feel almost equal... I hate all those posts about people moving on from negative people and people with a victim mentality because I'm afraid that people think that about me. I really want to be anybody else. I'm 22- a weird age that seems to have a lot of time for things to change but also enough life behind me to realize that I might not really change. I have no real sense of identity out of my problems anymore and I don't have the strength to craft one and it terrifies me. Suicide is giving up before I suffer from my own past and choices anymore. I never expected I would die so lonely and unsure of myself. My expectations of life were too high I guess. I'm sorry for all the times I said things I shouldn't have and ruined my relationships. I can't comprehend what life should be or how I should live or why I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Unfortunately, I have the perfect combination of doubt and hope that keeps me from buying a gun but am always thinking about it and picturing my death and planning. I'm living at home, but still have an apartment at my university city so if I die my mom will have to find a way to clear it out. I might let my ex know that I'm dying. Makes me feel guilty that I didn't love him back but there's a part of me that still wants to be important to him and still sees him as important to me. I hope he's okay. Sorry to O and Z (R a little bit) for the things I've said- I really wasn't thinking. I'm now separate from the people I was forming new friendships with though I got pissed at one of them too, sorry A, and in a new city. Dropped out of school. Why am I like this? I feel like life might just be one big joke. I want to close my eyes and be done.
I feel exhausted, confused, and a little happy. I felt some happiness with my mom because of a song which was weirdly nice to experience. I spend so much time thinking about my ex and friendships that I've cut off and how I can't go back in time but also feel too alien and afraid of myself and my depression to connect with anyone else. Shooting myself occupies my brain every couple seconds and I'm nervous- somehow nervous that I both won't do it and will do it. I have no idea how to escape these thoughts other than suicide anymore. The thought of the end brings so much peace. Thinking about it all the time puts me on edge. My mother wants me to go to Indonesia to visit our family and sightsee a bit, and I think I'll still be plagued with these thoughts if I go but then come back and be unable to afford a gun. "It's too soon to kill yourself" and "I don't want to be here anymore" feel almost equal... I hate all those posts about people moving on from negative people and people with a victim mentality because I'm afraid that people think that about me. I really want to be anybody else. I'm 22- a weird age that seems to have a lot of time for things to change but also enough life behind me to realize that I might not really change. I have no real sense of identity out of my problems anymore and I don't have the strength to craft one and it terrifies me. Suicide is giving up before I suffer from my own past and choices anymore. I never expected I would die so lonely and unsure of myself. My expectations of life were too high I guess. I'm sorry for all the times I said things I shouldn't have and ruined my relationships. I can't comprehend what life should be or how I should live or why I can't get myself to do anything anymore. Unfortunately, I have the perfect combination of doubt and hope that keeps me from buying a gun but am always thinking about it and picturing my death and planning. I'm living at home, but still have an apartment at my university city so if I die my mom will have to find a way to clear it out. I might let my ex know that I'm dying. Makes me feel guilty that I didn't love him back but there's a part of me that still wants to be important to him and still sees him as important to me. I hope he's okay. Sorry to O and Z (R a little bit) for the things I've said- I really wasn't thinking. I'm now separate from the people I was forming new friendships with though I got pissed at one of them too, sorry A, and in a new city. Dropped out of school. Why am I like this? I feel like life might just be one big joke. I want to close my eyes and be done.
