Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[HereTomorrow]

A tiny part of me just wants to CTB instantly so I can stop perceiving my current pains.

They say pain is temporary, and the feeling passes. And while it does, it always returns, cradling me back into the thought of impulsively CTBing.

10 years of this. My friends and family will be tired of me if I say I'm suicidial again, having lose friends during to wearing them down with it. It really is the silent way of saying I'm a burden without directly speaking it.

I'm a burden.

I wish people would be more blunt about it so I feel less guilty about thinking of ending my life.

 

[Necessary Evil]

i really want to die right now. i feel like i don't fit in anywhere. like i'm not made for this world. like i shouldn't be here. why am i here? why was i created? why was i born? i contribute nothing to this world. i'm good for nothing. no one needs me and i don't need anyone. then, if i am just a hindrance, why am i here... i need answers... i am so lonely, so miserable... who would want to be with a person like me, broken inside... i am so replaceable... nobody thinks about me. nobody knows about me. nobody knows who i am and nobody cares. and if i am not in somebody's thoughts, am i really alive? am i somebody? all these things in my mind and no answers... i am so tired.

 

[standingfast]

Back in 2008 I had tested out my "exit bag" way to ctb...I remember feeling so at peace that I had found my out and the test felt so comforting. I remembered that comforted feeling today and feel like I can prepare that again and go.

 

[consider]

*venting Suddenly feel really anger that my father told me I was a burden to him throughout my whole childhood. He constantly beat me head when he was angry until he got tired. It is very sick thing to do after watching me throw up or pee myself. Why did them have me if they don't want me in the very beginning? Cuz they are fucking Buddhists and thought I was their karma so I was born. So they are victims here. How was i born if they didn't fuck each other. How is this my fault? They didn't dare to get an abortion so they fked me up instead? And they think they are right cuz now I'm really nothing but a trash. I hate that I can't find a pain free way to leave so I'm stuck in this world.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate having eczema. I'm having a bad flare-up right now and I look awful. I have rashes on my underarms, my fingers, and in embarrassing places and I get so itchy at times that it effects my sleep. It's so bad that it is making me feel even more suicidal. I haven't had a flare-up this bad in a long time. I fucking hate my body.

Looking on the brightside, I'm chatting with my bf right now and it's helping to lift my mood a bit. It's also distracting me a bit from the itching.

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I just resigned, which I think was a fatal mistake in my plans. Now I have people texting me to find out why. I feel like shit.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Psychological and emotional pain, mental and physical exhaustion, quiet panic, breathlessness, disgust, hatred, despair, defeat, envy, sadness, powerlessness, negativity, gastroesophageal reflux, bladder urgency, stiffness, inflammation, mental and physical restlessness, mental and physical weakness, fear, dehydration, headache, intracranial pressure, tightness and burning of skin on hands, 0serotonin syndrome feelings or tardive dyskinesia, etc: feel it now, feel it later. It never stops or lets up.

 

[Bitchophrenic]

I've been so tired. And not just the "oh I didn't get enough sleep" but you know what kind. I lack the motivation to do anything nowadays, which just makes me hate myself even more. I want to feel welcomed somewhere but I have so much trouble too. It doesent help that I've started self harming this year and now I can't help but to keep doing it. Addiction runs in my family, I promised myself I wouldn't get addicted to anything, and now here I am unable to stop myself from slicing my arm open. I often feel like I just want a solution to all of this pain that I'm in, but I can never pinpoint exactly what kind of solution I want/need.

 

[nattanatta]

I need him more than ever. And yet, I cannot see him anymore. I'm so alone, I'm so tired. Desperately trying to keep myself busy so I don't have time or energy to focus so much on thinking about how I'm feeling and what happened last week. I'm exhausted. I can't do this without him.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Fucking terrified.

I'm going to the dentist in like, 12 hours and I can't sleep. Last time I was there they grabbed my throat behind me with both hands (procedure to check for lumps?) and something in me felt like I was emotionally taken out of reality, no warning. I'm afraid of that again. I hate when people touch me and especially my neck so suddenly. I'm also too terrified to even ask about it. I just want tomorrow to pass as soon as possible.

 

[render]

no one will ever love me for anything other than as a replacement or as something to be used. story of my life i guess

 

[Silent_cries]

After years of suffering with bad depression, severe anxiety and ocd thinking that this hell would never end and that ctb was my only way out, I can finally say that I'm getting better and that I'm happy with my life. I'm not cured by any means, and probably never will be. I know I'll get unwell again too, but to at the very least be able to say that I'm ok means the world to me. I wish more people got to experience this.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

idk what I want anymore, maybe to km, maybe to be hugged and listening lies it will be okay and I'm not a bad person

 

[JohnnySack]

im actually really hungry, maybe ill get a gyro

 

[boddibo]

anxiety is going to be the death of me

 

[CTB Dream]

All pain sffr no stop

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Depression... Always.
I don't want to be alive. I dread the coming winter.
Trying to think of something to post in the music threads. Maybe something old. Just need to pick a decade.

 

[CatLvr]

Like a lot of folks just tired. Not so much emotionally tired, though that for sure, as physically tired. One night's sleep out of the last 30 isn't really good for anyone but sleep deprivation sets off the most unbelievable migraines and my cluster headaches start cycling every 92 minutes like clockwork. It is fucking brutal and I do not have time for that shit right now.

 

[amnesia999]

Just cut on myself. Made me feel calmer. (Wish I could figure out what the hell it is inside that arm that makes it hurt all the time.) Sit here, take some deep breaths, and listen to some music. Next up: take a nap.

 

[render]

theres no way i can be happy now knowing what i know. if i don't feel better by december i'll order the sn. i hope my death brings new life to everyone i know

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

frustrated, sad and lonely - miserably so. my only wish is to talk to someone who really understands me, just for a moment, before i go - it hurts so bad to know this will never happen. i'm sick of suffering like this, of constantly feeling like shit, like dead weight that doesn't belong, doesn't exist no matter what i do. nothing ever ends but the pain always gets infinitely worse. i want to scream for help and my breath freezes knowing no one will hear me because they don't want to and i can't make them - my efforts simply don't amount to anything.

 

[enduringwinter]

I dont want to die

 

[Spaghettii]

Nauseous. Feels like every cell in me is rejecting being alive. Can't say shit. Can't do shit. I'm sick. I'm angry. I'm regretting every choice I've made. I'm stuck in this loop of awful decisions and living the horrible consequences. It can't be fixed anymore. I'm full of desdain and shame for myself and it's a nightmare living with it. I'm doing nothing and I'm overwhelmed. I'm embarrassed of myself. I feel like a disgusting worthless disappointment and a burden and it feels horrible to see my family deal with my shit. There are some moment that i think i can manage and life might actually get better but then i come back to reality. It has never gotten better. It just gets worse. Those rare happy moments are not worth it. Nothing is worth this. The first time i thaught of ctb i was 7 and acted on it, and then every day for the next 24 years. If I'd done it sooner ppl would've moved on by now. I sound dumb and childish i know, i hear it believe me but i just cant hear myself anymore over all this torture.

 

[Privateer2368]

Tired. I want to talk. I have my first counselling session for my PTSD, CPTSD or whatever it actually ends up being, next week.' I'm excited about that and I just want to start spilling my guts. I don't expect them to be able to help, but I really want to talk.

I had a preliminary appointment last week and the woman was horrified by things I told her. She said 'we have a long waiting list, but I think you need to be our highest priority'.

I feel ashamed and embarrassed but also relieved and excited to talk to her.

I want to finally be honest and not pretend to be ok any more.

I'm still probably going to die, but I get to unburden myself first. I'm so excited.

 

[sukiduki]

feeling anxious and woried about the SN I ordered. I really hope it comes through. The days don't pass fast enough.

 

[wCvML2]

feeling awkward and all over the place. had a weird mental breakdown today having suicidal thoughts during work that made it impossible to function. the end has to be near I hope.

 

[mikuhappy]

I wanna die

 

[KOMM]

Fear that my suicide attempt would fail, even more fear that I would stay alive and have to support myself and not be able to.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

God, I wish I was smart. It would be nice to be able to comprehend things with ease. I feel like I need to work overtime to stay at the same level as my peers. Probably explains my grades (though, I need to get better at doing my assignments instead of just giving up part way through).

 

[BoulderSoWhat]

I'm eating fries right now. I had a quesadilla burger for dinner. The waitress asked how I wanted the burger cooked. I didn't know, I just said rare. I think I mumbled, she no joke thought I said burnt instead. I didn't care enough, I said sure lol. It was a good burger.

Now I go home and figure out what to do for weekend when I'm really good at doing a lot of nothing at all