Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[razorblade_sky]

Just ordered SN. I sat staring at the checkout page for a while before deciding to order it. Feel anxious and a little scared. I settled down on Friday evening and decided to search for DMC. Thought it might take a while to locate, but after following a few clues in the forums search feature, I found it in 5 minutes lol. I then bookmarked the site and just thought about it over the weekend. Went ahead with payment tonight, so it should arrive in October. I'm going to be stressing out waiting for it to arrive now.

The last two days have been bad. My tailbone pain is almost constant now. I have also started getting pain in my left foot which means I can't play tennis, the only thing that was remotely fun. My body just seems to be deteriorating. Sitting down hurts, standing up hurts, the only relief I get is lying on my side, but I can't really do that all day.

I'm so upset that this is where I am at this point in my life. What a waste, I'm such a failure.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Rant about my hatred of my appearance #25241

Sometimes my insecurities about my body wells up inside of me and make me want to kill myself so much more. I hate the way I look. Why do I have to be so fucking ugly? To make matters worse, I also keep on further destroying my appearance by picking my skin, scratching myself until I start to bleed, and constantly pulling out my body hair (not the hair on my head or eyebrows, thankfully). My tits sag despite being in my 20s, I'm pretty sure I'm starting to gain weight because I keep on eating too much and spend too much time sitting around inside, my teeth are yellow, I have stretch marks all over my body, my ass is flat, and so on. I hate my appearance so much. It's not like I have anything to make up for it either, not that it would matter since your appearance is all anyone cares about when you are a woman. It makes the idea of my body decomposing after I die all the more comforting. A part of me wonders if I should leave a note asking my family and bf to destroy all photos of me. I don't want my appearance to be remembered. I hate myself so much.

When I was younger, I used to listen to subliminals in a desperate attempt to change my appearance. Deep down inside, I knew it was all bullshit. Despite this, I would listen to them religiously, hoping that my appearance to change for the better. Of course, it didn't do shit.

Sometimes I find that I want to lash out at myself just out of anguish over my appearance, not caring about further ruining my looks because they were never that good in the first place.

 

[Eole2.0]

They piss on me without even trying to make me believe it's raining

 

[(in)sane]

I feel like a disappointment with no one to even disappoint. I feel tired. I feel like there's so much my brain wants to experience but my body is so tired it just wants to rest in peace.

 

[HereTomorrow]

The basic yet unachievable human desire to be known, loved, and understood.

Too difficult to find friends, I'm setting with bottling it up.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Somehow, I'm actually feeling a bit hopeful today, but I'm also scared that this feeling is going to go away very quickly and at an unpredictable time. I feel like I'm clutching onto my happiness, like it will slip away at any moment.

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I am trying to get up and ctb for hopefully the last time. It's my last resort option so I'm not crazy about it but all else failed. My life has went so violently wrong and I managed to push everyone away mostly to make it easier for them or maybe to push myself to finish this already. Idk whether to be sad or proud that there's not one person I can think of to even reach out to if I wanted to. Guess I did exceptionally well with that part of my plan. Just what I was thinking. I understand what you are saying.

Same.

Also same.

Just ordered SN. I sat staring at the checkout page for a while before deciding to order it. Feel anxious and a little scared. I settled down on Friday evening and decided to search for DMC. Thought it might take a while to locate, but after following a few clues in the forums search feature, I found it in 5 minutes lol. I then bookmarked the site and just thought about it over the weekend. Went ahead with payment tonight, so it should arrive in October. I'm going to be stressing out waiting for it to arrive now.

The last two days have been bad. My tailbone pain is almost constant now. I have also started getting pain in my left foot which means I can't play tennis, the only thing that was remotely fun. My body just seems to be deteriorating. Sitting down hurts, standing up hurts, the only relief I get is lying on my side, but I can't really do that all day.

I'm so upset that this is where I am at this point in my life. What a waste, I'm such a failure.

You are not a failure. Life failed us!

 

[Ihatemylife6]

Having an existential crisis which is freaking me out. I feel corned and like a failure, I feel afraid and alone.

 

[amnesia999]

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 61. (No, you can't join the Certified Elderly club until you're 70, just so you know.) How did I get here with so little to show for it? Where did the time go? It's a good thing I have sleeping meds or I'd be up all night thinking about this.

(Edit: I will probably be up all night anyway because my brain's ability to ruminate is more powerful than my sleep meds. Ugh )

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm not doing well. Worse than before. Things just continue to downward spiral. There is no end in sight.
I don't know how much longer I can stay alive. I can't take it anymore.
I hope to be gone before the year is over. I don't want to go through another winter.
Life just keeps tearing off pieces of me a little at a time.
I have nothing left to give.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Having never tasted it, I drank complimentary pumpkin spice tea after my evening shift and it has CAFFEINE. I took CAFFEINE at 20:00. Two cups. Because I liked it and it was free.

I am still awake and need to sleep.

I barely slept yesterday. I have enough energy for a jog outside but I need to sleep. 12 mg melatonin pills versus caffeine. I just want and need sleep.

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i wish i wasn't myself.

 

[standingfast]

I just so want to be gone. But I can't find how to get out. I am too stupid or too tired or too overwhelmed to function on any level. I just am so tired of every thing.

Here is a clip from Everything Everywhere All At Once. Her dialogue is what I am saying to this world and this life.

 

[Rocinante]

Never been more pissed in my life all my assumptions about someone were true

 

[lemonbunny]

panicked, i ruined my life, it's all over

 

[HereTomorrow]

I hate myself, and the person I've become.

I'll be alive for another day, I'm too cowardice to attempt, and I feel I'll regret it. But I want to. Almost need. I can't stand being alive here. I just want peace.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

This one is physical but nausea. God, I need to stop living off coffee and cigarettes.
Frustration because I won't let myself eat.