Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[razorblade_sky]

Just ordered SN. I sat staring at the checkout page for a while before deciding to order it. Feel anxious and a little scared. I settled down on Friday evening and decided to search for DMC. Thought it might take a while to locate, but after following a few clues in the forums search feature, I found it in 5 minutes lol. I then bookmarked the site and just thought about it over the weekend. Went ahead with payment tonight, so it should arrive in October. I'm going to be stressing out waiting for it to arrive now.

The last two days have been bad. My tailbone pain is almost constant now. I have also started getting pain in my left foot which means I can't play tennis, the only thing that was remotely fun. My body just seems to be deteriorating. Sitting down hurts, standing up hurts, the only relief I get is lying on my side, but I can't really do that all day.

I'm so upset that this is where I am at this point in my life. What a waste, I'm such a failure.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Rant about my hatred of my appearance #25241

Sometimes my insecurities about my body wells up inside of me and make me want to kill myself so much more. I hate the way I look. Why do I have to be so fucking ugly? To make matters worse, I also keep on further destroying my appearance by picking my skin, scratching myself until I start to bleed, and constantly pulling out my body hair (not the hair on my head or eyebrows, thankfully). My tits sag despite being in my 20s, I'm pretty sure I'm starting to gain weight because I keep on eating too much and spend too much time sitting around inside, my teeth are yellow, I have stretch marks all over my body, my ass is flat, and so on. I hate my appearance so much. It's not like I have anything to make up for it either, not that it would matter since your appearance is all anyone cares about when you are a woman. It makes the idea of my body decomposing after I die all the more comforting. A part of me wonders if I should leave a note asking my family and bf to destroy all photos of me. I don't want my appearance to be remembered. I hate myself so much.

When I was younger, I used to listen to subliminals in a desperate attempt to change my appearance. Deep down inside, I knew it was all bullshit. Despite this, I would listen to them religiously, hoping that my appearance to change for the better. Of course, it didn't do shit.

Sometimes I find that I want to lash out at myself just out of anguish over my appearance, not caring about further ruining my looks because they were never that good in the first place.

 

[Eole2.0]

They piss on me without even trying to make me believe it's raining

 

[(in)sane]

I feel like a disappointment with no one to even disappoint. I feel tired. I feel like there's so much my brain wants to experience but my body is so tired it just wants to rest in peace.

 

[HereTomorrow]

The basic yet unachievable human desire to be known, loved, and understood.

Too difficult to find friends, I'm setting with bottling it up.

 

[RosebyAnyName]

Somehow, I'm actually feeling a bit hopeful today, but I'm also scared that this feeling is going to go away very quickly and at an unpredictable time. I feel like I'm clutching onto my happiness, like it will slip away at any moment.

 

[lifeisactualtorture]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I am trying to get up and ctb for hopefully the last time. It's my last resort option so I'm not crazy about it but all else failed. My life has went so violently wrong and I managed to push everyone away mostly to make it easier for them or maybe to push myself to finish this already. Idk whether to be sad or proud that there's not one person I can think of to even reach out to if I wanted to. Guess I did exceptionally well with that part of my plan. Just what I was thinking. I understand what you are saying.

Same.

Also same.

Just ordered SN. I sat staring at the checkout page for a while before deciding to order it. Feel anxious and a little scared. I settled down on Friday evening and decided to search for DMC. Thought it might take a while to locate, but after following a few clues in the forums search feature, I found it in 5 minutes lol. I then bookmarked the site and just thought about it over the weekend. Went ahead with payment tonight, so it should arrive in October. I'm going to be stressing out waiting for it to arrive now.

The last two days have been bad. My tailbone pain is almost constant now. I have also started getting pain in my left foot which means I can't play tennis, the only thing that was remotely fun. My body just seems to be deteriorating. Sitting down hurts, standing up hurts, the only relief I get is lying on my side, but I can't really do that all day.

I'm so upset that this is where I am at this point in my life. What a waste, I'm such a failure.

You are not a failure. Life failed us!

 

[Ihatemylife6]

Having an existential crisis which is freaking me out. I feel corned and like a failure, I feel afraid and alone.

 

[amnesia999]

My birthday is tomorrow. I'm turning 61. (No, you can't join the Certified Elderly club until you're 70, just so you know.) How did I get here with so little to show for it? Where did the time go? It's a good thing I have sleeping meds or I'd be up all night thinking about this.

(Edit: I will probably be up all night anyway because my brain's ability to ruminate is more powerful than my sleep meds. Ugh )

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm not doing well. Worse than before. Things just continue to downward spiral. There is no end in sight.
I don't know how much longer I can stay alive. I can't take it anymore.
I hope to be gone before the year is over. I don't want to go through another winter.
Life just keeps tearing off pieces of me a little at a time.
I have nothing left to give.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Having never tasted it, I drank complimentary pumpkin spice tea after my evening shift and it has CAFFEINE. I took CAFFEINE at 20:00. Two cups. Because I liked it and it was free.

I am still awake and need to sleep.

I barely slept yesterday. I have enough energy for a jog outside but I need to sleep. 12 mg melatonin pills versus caffeine. I just want and need sleep.

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i wish i wasn't myself.

 

[standingfast]

I just so want to be gone. But I can't find how to get out. I am too stupid or too tired or too overwhelmed to function on any level. I just am so tired of every thing.

Here is a clip from Everything Everywhere All At Once. Her dialogue is what I am saying to this world and this life.

 

[Rocinante]

Never been more pissed in my life all my assumptions about someone were true

 

[lemonbunny]

panicked, i ruined my life, it's all over

 

[HereTomorrow]

I hate myself, and the person I've become.

I'll be alive for another day, I'm too cowardice to attempt, and I feel I'll regret it. But I want to. Almost need. I can't stand being alive here. I just want peace.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

This one is physical but nausea. God, I need to stop living off coffee and cigarettes.
Frustration because I won't let myself eat.

 

[AbsurdAbyss]

i feel like i've been banned even if i haven't done anything 'wrong', intentional or otherwise. but then i knew this was bound to happen someday, all they needed was an excuse to 'look the other way.' the scars never go away, the pain only gets worse, alone, every minute. 'I' just wasn't meant to be - perhaps everybody would be better off without me?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm ready for this nightmare to end. I'm not doing well. So tired, I just want to forever sleep.
Depression is kicking my ass !!! How do people do this shit ???
Every day is miserable.

 

[Anathema™]

I just don't care

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My Pokémon Unite ranked games have been so ass lately. A few days ago I was only two wins from Master rank now I'm on a bad losing streak and probably have to spend the rest of the season grinding.

It sucks that this is probably the only thing I'm even decent at and I'm not even that good.

 

[HereTomorrow]

At work I got super lightheaded due to sudden cramps to the point of collapse and I still wanted to be paid so I started my lunch break three hours early and rested on the couch recovering and waiting for the painkillers to kick in instead of eating. It worked out, but it left me exhausted.

I just took more painkillers, cramps are painful. Sleep soon.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

I alienate everyone eventually. I have a BF, but I feel like he hates me. I have no proof, and when I discussed it with him, he understood, but I think he thought I was mad. I feel like everyone hates me. Again, I have little proof. I have more than with my BF, but still little.
And the thing is, I can't just ignore this. All of my hobbies are singular.
It's all hopeless.

 

[wCvML2]

apprehensive for the coming future. a year ago I thought that by now I would be dead, I definitely still feel suicidal but the suicidality has plateaued out as passive ideation.

 

[fleetingnight]

I wasn't feeling too bad, but suddenly, my brain is just "IwannadieIwannadieIwannadie" in a loop.

 

[vagabond_concerto]

I feel like I absolutely failed to launch or make my life into something growing and meaningful. I more feel like a larva, just wiggling in my own patch of dirt and rotating and twisting in meaninglessness. I do have a job, a place and food, and an so who has good qualities. But my satisfaction regarding other things feels inexistant.

Today one of my mom's friends was telling us (family gathering) how her daughter started to work at this small company at 18, then got recognized and praised for her work and is now at 30 on the way to be the current CEOs successor. She has been on many extravagant work trips, trainings, and being mentored to be excellent. Then she bought a place, has alot of friends she always sees, etc. You know the type of story. That's about when I started to feel a sinking dread, and I went into my head..

I, compared to this girl, have nothing to really show for. It's embarrassing.

Ive went to college 4 yrs for a degree I only used for 2.5 years, being burned out at low paid job after low paid job. Then I trained for 1 yr at a new factory type job (totally different field) which pays ridiculous money for very simple work.. But I feel like a slug in a hole (Big factory.
No windows.. boring work...) and if I try to improve stuff or try to give ideas it's always thankless and unrecognized or I'm told to sit down by other employees... I felt like no matter how hard I try to be fair, hardworking, and honest it's not recognized and put down. and I can't get a mentorship to become as perfect as that girl. It seems I don't exist at all. I'm youngest in my team and I feel very isolated. No matter how talkative I try to be with other workers (I don't say creepy stuff) , they don't seem interested. I don't stink or wear bad clothes, or have messy hair or unbrushed teeth... What's wrong with me ?

I don't have many friends. Over time ppl just leave.. I had a toxic friendship which made me traumatized at the end. I've left and I still can't believe she treated me this way. Now I feel like I can't feel like it's worth it to meet any woman friends. I tried. I went to group meetups, dinners, network events.. i still feel empty and can't connect to anyone...

Now I live most of my days just trying to survive one day at a time. Hence why I took night shift... I'm unplugging mentally from everything possible. Also I occupy an overpriced rental which I do not own... I also have a ok car that I'm still paying off... So if I ever just fkin collapse from my crushing dread of not being perfect, I'm out and back to my mom's basement. Then, I will truly just sink lower and lower. Maybe then I'll just take my final exit.. I don't even know why I wake up every day man.

Hence why I feel I truly have nothing to show for. My life is a low-middle class joke. Im disappointed in myself. And therapists I've spoke to are totally useless and don't understand what I truly feel. I feel lost. I don't even know what my purpose even is in this life.

 

[Just_Another_Person]

Loneliness. Just want to be hold and cuddled.

 

[kat6]

I'm feeling like an outsider. I went out tonight with a group of friends. Nothing bad happened and everyone was nice enough. But I always feel like the odd person out, the one who doesn't really belong. The one who no one would miss if I wasn't there.

The only time in my life I feel truly accepted is when I'm around my pets. I truly wouldn't be here if I didn't have them.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

No one talks to me, or starts convos. And when I try and start convos, they're usually monosyllabic.
"Hey"
"Hey"
"How are you?"
"Good, you?"
"Good"
Repeat ad infinitum.

 

[HereTomorrow]

On caffeine. I tripled it due to busy work. Jittery. I don't take caffeine very often. Having the time of my life, for I'm getting paid more for longer hours. Worth it.