I feel like I absolutely failed to launch or make my life into something growing and meaningful. I more feel like a larva, just wiggling in my own patch of dirt and rotating and twisting in meaninglessness. I do have a job, a place and food, and an so who has good qualities. But my satisfaction regarding other things feels inexistant.
Today one of my mom's friends was telling us (family gathering) how her daughter started to work at this small company at 18, then got recognized and praised for her work and is now at 30 on the way to be the current CEOs successor. She has been on many extravagant work trips, trainings, and being mentored to be excellent. Then she bought a place, has alot of friends she always sees, etc. You know the type of story. That's about when I started to feel a sinking dread, and I went into my head..
I, compared to this girl, have nothing to really show for. It's embarrassing.
Ive went to college 4 yrs for a degree I only used for 2.5 years, being burned out at low paid job after low paid job. Then I trained for 1 yr at a new factory type job (totally different field) which pays ridiculous money for very simple work.. But I feel like a slug in a hole (Big factory.
No windows.. boring work...) and if I try to improve stuff or try to give ideas it's always thankless and unrecognized or I'm told to sit down by other employees... I felt like no matter how hard I try to be fair, hardworking, and honest it's not recognized and put down. and I can't get a mentorship to become as perfect as that girl. It seems I don't exist at all. I'm youngest in my team and I feel very isolated. No matter how talkative I try to be with other workers (I don't say creepy stuff) , they don't seem interested. I don't stink or wear bad clothes, or have messy hair or unbrushed teeth... What's wrong with me ?
I don't have many friends. Over time ppl just leave.. I had a toxic friendship which made me traumatized at the end. I've left and I still can't believe she treated me this way. Now I feel like I can't feel like it's worth it to meet any woman friends. I tried. I went to group meetups, dinners, network events.. i still feel empty and can't connect to anyone...
Now I live most of my days just trying to survive one day at a time. Hence why I took night shift... I'm unplugging mentally from everything possible. Also I occupy an overpriced rental which I do not own... I also have a ok car that I'm still paying off... So if I ever just fkin collapse from my crushing dread of not being perfect, I'm out and back to my mom's basement. Then, I will truly just sink lower and lower. Maybe then I'll just take my final exit.. I don't even know why I wake up every day man.
Hence why I feel I truly have nothing to show for. My life is a low-middle class joke. Im disappointed in myself. And therapists I've spoke to are totally useless and don't understand what I truly feel. I feel lost. I don't even know what my purpose even is in this life.