Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[EvisceratedJester]

I want to go back to cutting again. I don't plan on doing so since I made a promise not to, but I find myself desiring it. I sometimes feel like I didn't cut myself deep enough before, which is dumb but that's just how I feel. I still feel like my past SH isn't valid. I stare at my scars and I feel like I don't have enough of them. I want to mutilate myself more. I know deep down inside that giving myself deeper cuts won't do shit. You have people who cut so deep that they can see their bones and they still feel like their SH isn't valid, but those urges are still there. It's like, on an intuitive level, my brain cannot comprehend that my feelings in regard to the validity of my SH won't change no matter how deep I cut.

I want my stomach, upper arms, and thighs to be covered in cuts now. I find myself wanting to add more scars to my forearms. I want to make longer cuts and I want to cut so deep that I risk permanently disabling myself. I hate myself for having these desires.

I don't know why I do it. Maybe I'm just not great at properly handling my emotions. I know I usually reason that it's because I'm punishing myself due to self-hatred and that it's also a way for me to cope with my emotions, but why? Plenty of people have the same problems I do. Nothing I've gone through is out of the ordinary, so why do I feel the need to cope in a manner that is considered to be abnormal? I feel like I do a lot of things that don't make much sense. It makes having to explain these things to others very difficult for me. My bf has asked me about my SH before and why I do it and I feel bad about not being able to give him any clear answers. He thinks I'm a bit messed up in the head (which I'm not). Probably doesn't help that I sent him some hurtful messages while high. I still feel incredibly guilty about it, especially since I made him cry.

I remember when I cut down to the fat for the first time and feeling distressed because of it. However, there was this small moment where, for a second, I felt a sick sense of pride. I felt proud of myself for cutting that deep. That feeling washed away when the realization that I was staring at something I was never meant to see came up. The nurse who was disinfecting and bandaging my cuts was very nice and told me not to do it ever again. She also mentioned my cuts being deep (one bean, several mid to deep styro) and I remember feeling good when I heard that. I hate myself for it. Eventually, after a while, I went back to cutting again, now cutting deep enough to hit the bean or hit baby beans whenever my emotions were running high. Before, I was happy for a bit because I felt like my SH was valid, but those feelings quickly died away. Now I'm here, wishing that I had cut deeper.

Sometimes I wish that I could cut deep enough to go past the muscle layers and nick an artery. I know that cutting isn't a good method and I don't plan on using it anytime soon, but I find myself wanting to bleed out to death. Sometimes, I feel like I don't deserve to die peacefully. I deserve to die while in a position of discomfort.

It's funny, because I feel like I'm doing better mentally in comparison to before. At the same time, I also feel like I'm no better than I was before. It's just that I've gotten better at ignoring and brushing away the feelings I usually have, burying them under several layers of lies.

 

[nattanatta]

Was too afraid to finish the job. Will never forget how it all felt. Decided to give life one last chance. If it turns out that I'm really just clinging to false hope, I'm out, and this time I know 100% that SN is the way for me to go.

 

[Mirrory Me]

... Sometimes I mistake people's kindness as a good will, and that teaches a lot about life... But honestly, I need to become whole as person without somebody else.

 

[syph_ilis]

I'm such a fucking failure. I wish I had someone who supported and cared about me.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I don't get headaches very often, but when I do I end up doing some weird stuff.

After 5 hours and some painkillers I've cooked a bowl of pasta and threw cheese, pepper, and mayo in it, eating out of a Chinese takeout container, in the middle of the night.

Living the dream.

 

[laststrawlarry]

I have to kill myself eventually but my brain isn't in that "fuck the survival instinct let's get the fuck out of here" mode that I got lucky with last April. I let the opportunity slip, I chickened out, there's likely nothing after death but I'm so scared it's anything at all. What the fuck will it take, my backs against the wall in more ways than one but it's not enough yet?? Overdue bills, shitty living conditions, lonely, isolated, self hatred, no family or friends, fat, unhealthy and no motivation to make anything better. I wish there was some drug I could take to remove the survival instinct.

 

[kiki <3]

i am thinking about heartbreak. it's been a year. i have been thinking about her hard for the past few months, especially today. i often pray that she reaches out to me, as i have messaged her and let her know that i still love her and would be more than happy to try again. we were both in our own shambles when we were together, however having to love and care about her made life so much more enjoyable, i was genuinely happy. my heart still only sees her and i think this pain will last more than i have expected it to.

i am also thinking about what i am going to cook today, as cooking distracts me from all these thoughts. too bad my appetite is really low.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I hate myself, I hate myself, u hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself, I hate myself.

I fucking hate myself so much that it hurts. I wish was dead. Why do I have to exist? I can't do anything right. The only thing I've ever accomplished in life was hurting those around and everyone feels the need to put up with my shit because they have these false impressions of me as being this good, kind, nice person just because I'm quiet and sometimes polite to those around me. Why such a horrible person? I deserve to die a horrible death.

I've already hurt so many people and now I'm pretty sure I just hurt my boyfriend's feelings again. Why do I keep on doing this to him? He deserves better than me. He's too good for me. I don't get why he puts up with my bullshit. I don't get why anyone puts up with my bullshit. I have done so many irredeemable things. I hate myself.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Nothing. And then guilt for that fact, for the fact that there's nothing going on under the surface. Just vast, vast nothingness. Unable to engage with complex thoughts or be interested in anything remotely intellectual, which is such a far cry from who I used to be. My head used to always be buzzing with some idea or another, always discussing or debating something or another. Now there's just nothing. And it makes me such a boring person, to the extent that it's noticeable by others. "You have nothing to say?" I was asked. No indeed, I no longer have anything to say.

 

[wCvML2]

I'm so so so stupid, I continue to make myself miserable with my stupid anxious mind. I hate interacting with people, and feel so much dread from potentially being an inconvenience. I have so many things piling up that I have been needing to get done for a very long time but I can't because they require interacting with a human or being perceived. I feel the walls of my comfort zone caving in on me.

 

[33-vertebrae]

Tired of other people being able to act towards me however they want, or have irrational and over-the-top reactions to me doing something innocuous, but if I have justified outrage or indignance towards someone else's cruel comments or actions, then I am hand-waved and dismissed as crazy.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

only people I have conversations irl are my family at home
even with my psychologist I have therapy online
I just want to hug someone
I wish I could fall in love again but still I'm hurt, a little funny thing

 

[Mayfly]

I showed you my body and you didn't like what you saw; no one ever does

 

[Surai]

restless

 

[Life'sA6itch]

Life sucks. The day, never ending thought and whenever I try "thinking positively" or attempt to give humanity another chance, I have this reality (life sucks) beaten back into me. I need euthanasia like a suffering dog.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I finally mustered the courage to attempt to reach out to HR and discuss how much my SA is dragging me, which took a few months to even decide on. I asked my manager to speak to HR with "Serious Concerns" and turns out, HR wasn't here, nobody at all. So my manager probably picked up on my tone and asked if everything was alright which I said kinda and he ended up drawing the conclusion that I was lightheaded and almost got me IRL medical aid and told me to lay on the couch in the break room.

Later, half the department and another manager found out I wanted to talk to HR and pressured me into saying what was going on, so I made a quick lie and said this was all a massive misunderstanding and I was wondering about Paid Time Off and hour limitations (I can only have # paid hours and actually did hit the limit recently) so now they've contacted HR to schedule a meeting about my PTO instead of asking for free employee resources support for SA.

I guess I'm stuck with not saying it for a little while longer, I'm too embarrassed to switch topics and now have a meeting presumably tomorrow about something I didn't exactly need clarification on.

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I currently feel very activated in the background because I'm making progress towards building my sn kit. I have my sources and I'm gathering funds to make my purchases. I've been thinking about it a lot, but haven't been able to talk about it with those around me. It feels kind of strange and nerve-wracking to have a secret like that - primarily from my long-term partner, who I typically share my thoughts with. Beyond that, I find myself wanting to chat with co-workers about it, but I know I can't. I want to talk about because it feels exciting and big.

I don't have any current plans to ctb, but I'm very excited to have a kit together. It feels empowering to work towards it.

 

[wCvML2]

Confused. I keep going back and forth between wanting to get worse and wanting to get better and it's draining.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Better. After a couple rough days it started raining, streets were empty and a bit under the weather, there's a shop nearby that tend to go, wasen't very hungry, but I picked some candyies and a easter egg.

It's still raining outside, I ate the candy and left the easter egg for latter to wait it's moment.

 

[Thisisnotaname]

We can't even masturbate quietly in this fucking shitty building

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I finally mustered the courage to attempt to reach out to HR and discuss how much my SA is dragging me, which took a few months to even decide on. I asked my manager to speak to HR with "Serious Concerns" and turns out, HR wasn't here, nobody at all. So my manager probably picked up on my tone and asked if everything was alright which I said kinda and he ended up drawing the conclusion that I was lightheaded and almost got me IRL medical aid and told me to lay on the couch in the break room.

Later, half the department and another manager found out I wanted to talk to HR and pressured me into saying what was going on, so I made a quick lie and said this was all a massive misunderstanding and I was wondering about Paid Time Off and hour limitations (I can only have # paid hours and actually did hit the limit recently) so now they've contacted HR to schedule a meeting about my PTO instead of asking for free employee resources support for SA.

I guess I'm stuck with not saying it for a little while longer, I'm too embarrassed to switch topics and now have a meeting presumably tomorrow about something I didn't exactly need clarification on.

That really sucks, they should not have repeatedly or expectantly asked what you needed to speak to a 3rd party about!

 

[consider]

i want to disappear and no one will remember me anything. i am so embrassemed my exsistence.

 

[HoleintheDark]

I somehow found my way back here again. I'm sick and tired of having to pretend for everyone that I'm all better now. It's been almost a year and I know they're all thinking in their heads that I should just get over myself and be normal already

 

[Blooper]

I'm sad.

 

[standingfast]

I will try to go tomorrow night.

 

[notwhereIbelong]

Tired. Anxious. Considering self harm again. May just take a xanax instead. Can't decide whether I want to sleep or have tomorrow never come at all.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel stressed out right now. My bf keeps on getting mad at me whenever I tell him that we cannot video call or talk on the phone whenever I'm home. I keep on explaining to him that it's because if my mom finds out then we're screwed, but he doesn't seem to care. He keeps on accusing me of not loving him, talking about breaking up, and claiming that we aren't in a relationship then whenever I tell him this. Even HE has acknowledged the fact that she would be pissed if she found out about us dating (he is older than her). He doesn't listen to it. It's like I'm talking to a brick wall. I fucking hate it. It causes me to sometimes lash out and text him a lot of stuff about because of how much it impacts me emotionally and then I have to apologize afterwards for the outburst but I don't think he even cares. He'll praise me for doing whatever he says but then, when I tell him that we can't always do certain things, he gets upset at me and insists on us doing it anyway and completely ignores my concerns. Other times, he'll respect the fact that I cannot or do not want to do something for a bit and then go right back to insisting that I do it. He'll do all of this while also simultaneously claiming that I have something wrong in my head.


I'm not typing this out as some sort of slanderous vent post about my bf. He's a very sweet person who tries his best to uplift me and has shown a lot of genuine concern towards me before. I just feel frustrated and stressed out right now. Maybe I am in the wrong? Idk. I don't want to risk my mom finding out and getting upset and making me block him. I love him and I keep on trying to explain this to him but he never listens. He keeps on going on about how "I guess we're not going to be anything if you keep on worrying about other people finding out about us", treating it as though I'm embarrassed to be with him and ignoring the concerns I have over being made to cut him out of my life if anyone finds out about us.

Edut: I ended up video calling him just now. His mood seemed to improve and we had a nice chat (though I couldn't really on account of my mom being awake on the other room). I love him so much. He means so much to me.

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I will try to go tomorrow night.

May you find peace

 

[Sunghoon]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

I feel a lot of rage,guilty and sadness in me but I'm too tired to let them out and cry

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm not doing too badly, but I'm a little mad at myself. I've been more productive than usual, but it's not as good as it sounds. Improvement is good, but the amount of work I get done is still very, very far below par. It's not that it doesn't matter, but it hardly matters. I'm still working on the stuff I was supposed to have done two weeks ago. I can only hope I'll keep on getting faster, but that's not usually how it goes. Usually, I do better for a while, then burn myself out and go back to square one.