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L

Lostandlooking

In limbo
Jul 23, 2020
437
Wondering how the bullying I experienced in my schooldays affect me still. I never really think about it. I walked away from pretty much everyone I knew each time I switched schools. Lucky I moved cities at the right time, so no one from the old school could follow me. Still, I got bullied by different people at the next school. Until I was 18. That's when it stopped. And it was rough. I think I kept the habit of cutting people off, I now do that after bad stuff happens and my mental health deteriorates.

I was thinking of the bullies. And the teachers that bullied me. I expect they're doing fine. And I wish they were in pain.

In therapy they never asked about school and bullying. It's always about early family dynamics and such. There were problems at home, but I'd say school was worse.

Just thinking about stuff. No answers.
 
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fleetingnight

fleetingnight

incapable of shutting up
May 2, 2024
427
Doomed. I can fight as hard as I want, life will never be good to me. I know this is true, but I can't get myself to snap out of it. So I keep on daydreaming about a future I'll never have and trying to make it real.

I know it's immature to say this, but it's unfair. I know it's not this bad for everyone. Most people, I think, but not everyone. I try not to be bitter towards people doing better than me, but I can't help myself sometimes. Why is it so much harder for some of us than others? I've been doomed from the start, but I see people around me doing everything I want to, so I try to deny the mistake I was born as and act like one of them, like there's a chance I'd ever be like one of them.

I'm tired of this. The worst part is knowing I'm going to wake up and do it again tomorrow, for no reason at all, besides the fact I'm a fucking idiot.

(I think I post in this thread too much, haha)
 
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EvisceratedJester

EvisceratedJester

|| What Else Could I Be But a Jester ||
Oct 21, 2023
2,004
I'M IN A GREAT MOOD! THE GARDEN DROPPED TWO NEW SONGS WHILE PERFORMING LIVE AND I'M SO EXCITED RIGHT NOW!!!
 
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I

inferiorpisspot234

Member
May 30, 2022
28
What the fuck could possibly make life worth living despite all the bullshit
 
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burntboy

burntboy

Member
Jun 13, 2024
15
i'm scared. i don't want to go outside. i wish i was dead.
 
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PinballWizard39

PinballWizard39

Student
May 3, 2024
136
I wish someone could see past my facade and realise how not OK I am. But tbh, even if they did, it wouldn't get any better, I'd either be ignored, hospitalised, or have my means to an end taken off me. I am drowning more and more all the time. I've starting taking over the counter meds - anything with a drowsy side effect so I don't have to deal with my brain. I'm drinking a couple shots of vodka most nights, and this is all on top of all my medication - lithium, trazodone, buspirone, diazepam - and sometimes I take the odd quetiapine if it gets that bad. I've weaning myself off the lithium now though, it's done nothing to help. I can't work full time anymore, so the days I'm not working, I barely go out, let alone see anyone. I live by myself and nobody really checks in with me very often either. The days I do work, I feel like a complete fake as I have to put my face on and be all 'professional' - it's killing me. All that dominates my mind now is making sure I leave letters of who to tell in the event of my death, what my wishes are (probably should be see a solicitor so as to not let my dad get his way), I'm leaving more diary entries that before so people will have more of an idea of why I did what I did. I'm trying to figure a day/plan of when to do it. I need to not ruin my sister's or my nieces 16th next month, so idk.. Currently I don't see me being alive past July.
 
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Lady Laudanum

Lady Laudanum

Specialist
May 9, 2024
307
Had another bender last night for father's day and I feel like I'm going to puke and die at work today
 
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Ferdinand Bardamu

Ferdinand Bardamu

DO YOU WANT TOTAL WAR?
Feb 22, 2024
250
It's so difficult to make friends. The majority of people seem impossible to talk to. They ignore you, or answer in one word replies. And, when I meet someone who I can actually get along with, I end up alienating them one way or another. I should work on changing that, but I can't bring myself to do it. I lack the energy, and I don't even know where'd I begin.
Did nothing today, or the day before that. Slept like shit. Fuck, it's so difficult to keep a schedule. I know that suicide would be a waste (I am aware that I am on a forum called SANCTIONED suicide), and, even if I did want to do it, I'm too much of a queer to actually go through with it, but, God, some days I just want to grab a knife and get it over with.
 
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H

HereTomorrow

On break. Read "About" on profile.
Feb 1, 2024
326
Left work, behind my workplace is a train track with a train always running at high speed at the exact same time.

I called up a friend, the same one I told about my SA all those months ago, and just casually talked near the tracks for an hour before I thanked her for the talk and drove home.

I wasn't really thinking about CTBing today, at most just a fleeting thought, the "what if". I didn't tell her about my thoughts to do it, just anime games, marijuana, and the state of social media.

I'm a bit dazed being home. Why must I? What happened? I'm feeling a "I should not be alive right now" feeling.

I wasn't actually going to end my life, yet I called someone and had our first real conversation since confiding her as if I was going to CTB.

Now I'm home, somehow okay. I love her, as a friend.

I'll be okay.
 
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NullSz00

NullSz00

Full-Swing Sayonara
Feb 22, 2024
197
These past few weeks have been very tough for me. I really just want something good to happen to me but I obviously don't deserve anything like that.
 
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I

idk3

Student
Sep 10, 2023
135
Would be nice if I could go for a jog to try clearing my mind without preening bikers peacocking with their obnoxiously loud unmuffled bikes
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,216
I think I may have shoved my worst thoughts and memories into the back of my mind Inside-Out-2-style and it's pretty obvious that it's eventually going to boil into another panic attack eventually. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm also excited for the Nintendo Direct tomorrow morning. Only less than 7.5 hours to go!
 
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B

Bellz&BubSami

New Member
Jun 10, 2024
4
Guilt and shame and deep remorse and regret. I don't want to be here anymore, again. I can't stop thinking about how the lives of so many would be so much different and better off if I had just been successful..or even tried earlier...I'm stuck. I'm stuck being alive and I did it to myself...
 
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SylveonFan

SylveonFan

Krispy
Oct 23, 2023
65
A little bit of accomplishment
 
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sancta-simplicitas

sancta-simplicitas

Experienced
Dec 14, 2023
261
Hard to stay awake. Sometimes I feel like crying. Mostly confused. Chest kind of hurts. Sugar cravings. Hurts to breathe too.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,216
I'm also excited for the Nintendo Direct tomorrow morning. Only less than 7.5 hours to go!
Worth it. Even though I'm only really excited for two of the new announcements. Ace Attorney Investigations 2 finally getting a western release and that new Zelda game that will actually have Zelda as the main protagonist was worth staying up for. 😁
 
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daley

daley

Member
May 11, 2024
36
I finished a writing assignment. I feel accomplishment, even though it doesn't matter to anything.
 
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Sadshark

Sadshark

Member
Apr 1, 2024
18
I'm depressed, I try to suppress my feelings, but sometimes they leak out and make me lethargic and sad. In the end, I'm just wondering if there's anything I can say to comfort myself.
 
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H

HereTomorrow

On break. Read "About" on profile.
Feb 1, 2024
326
My department lost two people in three months, and I'm often left to handle the entire department for at least 3.5 hours. I ended up working a lot of hours overtime to make up for it and while I'll get a fat paycheck this week, I got in trouble for not completing triple the work.

They're not hiring more people. I'm left doing triple the work. My manager chewed me out and is giving me the silent treatment the whole day and it's driving me crazy! I love working alone but my manager was constantly giving me compliments or a quick redirection if I'm missing something. When he left he didn't even say bye or handed me the company phone, just left it on the desk and left. There's less people working so I don't understand why it's bad I have like $75 a week more when they're saving $200 a day by not having two people.

I'm probably spoiled by kindness, I love my job, but it's hard when days like these happen. I feel like taking THC gummies, but no. I'm just, I'm good, but no. I only want. I don't know. I just can't do triple the work and they're not gonna fire me unless I do something illegal because they need me, and without me the whole department is basically done for.

I just, egh. I probably should take THC gummies. I don't know.

Edit: Took some. I'll be okay.
 
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Lady Laudanum

Lady Laudanum

Specialist
May 9, 2024
307
I landed a pretty big modelling gig and now I'm going to celebrate by trying kratom for the first time
 
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binturong

binturong

shining of stars calls me home
Jul 4, 2019
83
My life is more and more like a tragicomic arthouse film. It's still interesting to watch, but at the same time, I can't wait to turn it off.
 
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Sadshark

Sadshark

Member
Apr 1, 2024
18
Just like yesterday, tomorrow I will feel better.
 
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CTB Dream

CTB Dream

Disabled. Hard talk, don't argue, make fun, etc
Sep 17, 2022
2,225
Want end all no want stay this awfl life rly trap no know wat do
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
8,381
Misery !!!!
I hate Summer. 😡🥵😡🥵😡
Too f**king hot !!!!
I hate life. 😡😡😡😡😡😡
 
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H

HereTomorrow

On break. Read "About" on profile.
Feb 1, 2024
326
THC aftermath is a few days of mental exhaustion.

My sleep problems are probably resolved for now, I'll sleep good.
I'm so tired...but I did nothing today.
Yesterday, I microdosed 2.5 mg, and almost non-stopped laughed and caressed my body for hours on end (I do not mean it in an NSFW way), nearly sinking into my bed and letting the sheets swallow me into the abyss of unconsciousness.

If I am that sensitive, what would a full dose do to me...?

God, like I wanna high dose like 25 mg one of these days but I need someone IRL to watch me in case I start acting out. I'm too tired to think the plan through right now, I just. I'm so stupidly cuddly. Someone holding me while I'm high...with my senses enhanced...my mind embracing it...

...I think something like that might make life liveable. I think.
I'm too tired what am I saying.
 
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3/4Dead

3/4Dead

Peace, Love, Empathy
Feb 27, 2024
208
its too fucking HOT
 
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S

SaltedSnail

Member
Jun 18, 2024
20
Numb
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,216
I caved and felt the urge to open a dating app that I had long left inactive. To my surprise it turned out I had 3 likes on it. I have never spent money on any dating app but I figured out a long time ago you can use figure out the blurred profiles through the emails the app sends. I saw one of the girls who liked me. She seemed alright, but I don't know. I think my heart still hurts from liking my crush even though it seems very likely she wants nothing to do with me. I got anxious and instead of swiping either left or right, I simply closed the app so I guess even with noncommittal dating apps I can still feel crippling anxiety so that's super fun. 😑
 
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D

DeIetedUser4739

Guest
Apr 21, 2024
428
Sick of life
 
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etherealspring

etherealspring

can someone just kill me already
Mar 27, 2024
109
i think ive probably already said this in this thread, but im feeling it again so ill type away anyway.

im ashamed to be alive.

i have no goals or aspirations to live up to. i feel like im expected to achieve things i don't think i can. i feel like im only living for the sake of other's approval. when im selfish, the guilt gets worse.

i feel like a waste of time and money. im completely incompetent. even going outside and talking makes me anxious. im not even smart either-- i have nothing going for me. anyone who thinks i do just seems delusional to me.

im lazy and all i do is rot in bed. i often feel like i dont deserve to eat. im not comfortable in my own skin. i hate the person i see in the mirror.

ive believed that nothing ever gets better, since i was about 13. and to this day, i still think this is a myth. maybe i am a self-fulfilling prophecy, but i know im not the only person who feels this way. i just happened to come to that conclusion fairly early in life. i think even if i didn't, i think i inevitably would have started feeling this way eventually.

anyways sorry for the rant, this is probably very incoherent. im lazy, gross, depressed piece of shit. overall, that's nothing new really.
 
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