Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[PinballWizard39]

I wish someone could see past my facade and realise how not OK I am. But tbh, even if they did, it wouldn't get any better, I'd either be ignored, hospitalised, or have my means to an end taken off me. I am drowning more and more all the time. I've starting taking over the counter meds - anything with a drowsy side effect so I don't have to deal with my brain. I'm drinking a couple shots of vodka most nights, and this is all on top of all my medication - lithium, trazodone, buspirone, diazepam - and sometimes I take the odd quetiapine if it gets that bad. I've weaning myself off the lithium now though, it's done nothing to help. I can't work full time anymore, so the days I'm not working, I barely go out, let alone see anyone. I live by myself and nobody really checks in with me very often either. The days I do work, I feel like a complete fake as I have to put my face on and be all 'professional' - it's killing me. All that dominates my mind now is making sure I leave letters of who to tell in the event of my death, what my wishes are (probably should be see a solicitor so as to not let my dad get his way), I'm leaving more diary entries that before so people will have more of an idea of why I did what I did. I'm trying to figure a day/plan of when to do it. I need to not ruin my sister's or my nieces 16th next month, so idk.. Currently I don't see me being alive past July.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Had another bender last night for father's day and I feel like I'm going to puke and die at work today

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

It's so difficult to make friends. The majority of people seem impossible to talk to. They ignore you, or answer in one word replies. And, when I meet someone who I can actually get along with, I end up alienating them one way or another. I should work on changing that, but I can't bring myself to do it. I lack the energy, and I don't even know where'd I begin.
Did nothing today, or the day before that. Slept like shit. Fuck, it's so difficult to keep a schedule. I know that suicide would be a waste (I am aware that I am on a forum called SANCTIONED suicide), and, even if I did want to do it, I'm too much of a queer to actually go through with it, but, God, some days I just want to grab a knife and get it over with.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Left work, behind my workplace is a train track with a train always running at high speed at the exact same time.

I called up a friend, the same one I told about my SA all those months ago, and just casually talked near the tracks for an hour before I thanked her for the talk and drove home.

I wasn't really thinking about CTBing today, at most just a fleeting thought, the "what if". I didn't tell her about my thoughts to do it, just anime games, marijuana, and the state of social media.

I'm a bit dazed being home. Why must I? What happened? I'm feeling a "I should not be alive right now" feeling.

I wasn't actually going to end my life, yet I called someone and had our first real conversation since confiding her as if I was going to CTB.

Now I'm home, somehow okay. I love her, as a friend.

I'll be okay.

 

[NullSz00]

These past few weeks have been very tough for me. I really just want something good to happen to me but I obviously don't deserve anything like that.

 

[idk3]

Would be nice if I could go for a jog to try clearing my mind without preening bikers peacocking with their obnoxiously loud unmuffled bikes

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think I may have shoved my worst thoughts and memories into the back of my mind Inside-Out-2-style and it's pretty obvious that it's eventually going to boil into another panic attack eventually. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

I'm also excited for the Nintendo Direct tomorrow morning. Only less than 7.5 hours to go!

 

[Bellz&BubSami]

Guilt and shame and deep remorse and regret. I don't want to be here anymore, again. I can't stop thinking about how the lives of so many would be so much different and better off if I had just been successful..or even tried earlier...I'm stuck. I'm stuck being alive and I did it to myself...

 

[Punpun Onodera]

A little bit of accomplishment

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Hard to stay awake. Sometimes I feel like crying. Mostly confused. Chest kind of hurts. Sugar cravings. Hurts to breathe too.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm also excited for the Nintendo Direct tomorrow morning. Only less than 7.5 hours to go!

Worth it. Even though I'm only really excited for two of the new announcements. Ace Attorney Investigations 2 finally getting a western release and that new Zelda game that will actually have Zelda as the main protagonist was worth staying up for.

 

[daley]

I finished a writing assignment. I feel accomplishment, even though it doesn't matter to anything.

 

[Sadshark]

I'm depressed, I try to suppress my feelings, but sometimes they leak out and make me lethargic and sad. In the end, I'm just wondering if there's anything I can say to comfort myself.

 

[Promised Heaven]

My department lost two people in three months, and I'm often left to handle the entire department for at least 3.5 hours. I ended up working a lot of hours overtime to make up for it and while I'll get a fat paycheck this week, I got in trouble for not completing triple the work.

They're not hiring more people. I'm left doing triple the work. My manager chewed me out and is giving me the silent treatment the whole day and it's driving me crazy! I love working alone but my manager was constantly giving me compliments or a quick redirection if I'm missing something. When he left he didn't even say bye or handed me the company phone, just left it on the desk and left. There's less people working so I don't understand why it's bad I have like $75 a week more when they're saving $200 a day by not having two people.

I'm probably spoiled by kindness, I love my job, but it's hard when days like these happen. I feel like taking THC gummies, but no. I'm just, I'm good, but no. I only want. I don't know. I just can't do triple the work and they're not gonna fire me unless I do something illegal because they need me, and without me the whole department is basically done for.

I just, egh. I probably should take THC gummies. I don't know.

Edit: Took some. I'll be okay.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I landed a pretty big modelling gig and now I'm going to celebrate by trying kratom for the first time

 

[binturong]

My life is more and more like a tragicomic arthouse film. It's still interesting to watch, but at the same time, I can't wait to turn it off.

 

[Sadshark]

Just like yesterday, tomorrow I will feel better.

 

[CTB Dream]

Want end all no want stay this awfl life rly trap no know wat do

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Misery !!!!
I hate Summer.
Too f**king hot !!!!
I hate life.

 

[Promised Heaven]

THC aftermath is a few days of mental exhaustion.

My sleep problems are probably resolved for now, I'll sleep good.
I'm so tired...but I did nothing today.
Yesterday, I microdosed 2.5 mg, and almost non-stopped laughed and caressed my body for hours on end (I do not mean it in an NSFW way), nearly sinking into my bed and letting the sheets swallow me into the abyss of unconsciousness.

If I am that sensitive, what would a full dose do to me...?

God, like I wanna high dose like 25 mg one of these days but I need someone IRL to watch me in case I start acting out. I'm too tired to think the plan through right now, I just. I'm so stupidly cuddly. Someone holding me while I'm high...with my senses enhanced...my mind embracing it...

...I think something like that might make life liveable. I think.
I'm too tired what am I saying.

 

[3/4Dead]

its too fucking HOT

 

[SaltedSnail]

Numb

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I caved and felt the urge to open a dating app that I had long left inactive. To my surprise it turned out I had 3 likes on it. I have never spent money on any dating app but I figured out a long time ago you can use figure out the blurred profiles through the emails the app sends. I saw one of the girls who liked me. She seemed alright, but I don't know. I think my heart still hurts from liking my crush even though it seems very likely she wants nothing to do with me. I got anxious and instead of swiping either left or right, I simply closed the app so I guess even with noncommittal dating apps I can still feel crippling anxiety so that's super fun.

 

[DeIetedUser4739]

Sick of life

 

[etherealspring]

i think ive probably already said this in this thread, but im feeling it again so ill type away anyway.

im ashamed to be alive.

i have no goals or aspirations to live up to. i feel like im expected to achieve things i don't think i can. i feel like im only living for the sake of other's approval. when im selfish, the guilt gets worse.

i feel like a waste of time and money. im completely incompetent. even going outside and talking makes me anxious. im not even smart either-- i have nothing going for me. anyone who thinks i do just seems delusional to me.

im lazy and all i do is rot in bed. i often feel like i dont deserve to eat. im not comfortable in my own skin. i hate the person i see in the mirror.

ive believed that nothing ever gets better, since i was about 13. and to this day, i still think this is a myth. maybe i am a self-fulfilling prophecy, but i know im not the only person who feels this way. i just happened to come to that conclusion fairly early in life. i think even if i didn't, i think i inevitably would have started feeling this way eventually.

anyways sorry for the rant, this is probably very incoherent. im lazy, gross, depressed piece of shit. overall, that's nothing new really.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Woke up and now I feel like total shit. Wish I could go back to sleep. Pretty typical feeling.

 

[persuasion]

perpetuation of life is just so ungodly dumb. i am here to exist to care about not caring.

 

[everythingoes]

Got 2 weeks left till my CTB and I don't feel… much? I thought I'd be going through every emotion possible, but I just feel indifferent about it. Just numb. I suppose this is what complete and utter hopelessness feels like.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I think I've never hated life this much. I'm getting there.

I know it.
I feel it.
I don't have much time left in this world.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

my parents are so fucking immature they bicker about the tiniest fucking thing i cant stand being around them most of the time. my mum instigates and my dad reacts and they feed off eachothers reactions until theyre shouting at eachother while in the same fucking room, it doesnt take much for them to get to that point. and they do that thing that pisses me off more than anything where their pitch keeps getting higher and higher the more they argue. fuck i cant wait to either move out or die. most likely the latter bc i cant get a job to save my fucking life, literally. i just wish they could see how immature they are theyre fucking insufferable.