Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[HereTomorrow]

I've been freaking out about seeing my first crush for a week just for her to not show up at all despite her name being registered to show up, I'm relieved.

I spoke to her friend, who originally had a disliking for me, but was friendly and showed me how to adjust my hair more easily. Years out of high school can definitely mature a person, me, her, and other people.

She has a law degree now, I work at retail. It's a bit awkward, but I'll never see her again.

I'm tired now, the event took my energy away. But I'm doing a lot better now.

 

[soulkitty]

I fucking hate myself. Why can i never let myself have a good time im just a stupid fucking bitch

 

[cait_sith]

4th day after wisdom teeth removal (2 of 4, won't do the other ones) and I am still in pain, pain gets worse, it's so horrible, I am scared that I will be in pain forever due to nerve damage and can never enjoy food again before I die.

 

[lovedread]

Lost

 

[PinballWizard39]

I'm questioning my sanity. I tell people I'm fine but they just call the mental health team to log their concerns. It's a good job they don't give a flying fuck about my welfare. I'm not ok. I am very fucking far from being ok. And a lot of it has been made worse by trauma the mental health team have caused me over 2 decades, by not giving me the help I needed and then on top of that, gaslit me into thinking I only 'think' there's something wrong with me. I imagined being hours from death with anorexia because you failed to acknowledge my eating disorder then did I? Of course I did. Same thing over and over. Last time I tried to ctb you went out of your way to tell me I wasn't sick enough for any help. Fuck you, Is it any wonder I can't trust my own thoughts and feelings anymore. This is exactly why I just want out now. I've been depressed for many years, but nowhere near as bad and determined as I am now. Thanks for that.

*apologies, that turned into a rant!*

 

[Lady Laudanum]

It's only the afternoon and I'm higher than giraffe pussy after taking edibles

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel slightly insecure at the moment, but what else is new? My jaw/chin is kind of fucked up looking. It's very small and I have an overbite. I guess it's my fault for breathing out of my mouth a lot during childhood but in my defense, my nose was always stuffed up due to my allergies. They aren't as bad as they used to be, thankfully. Still, it makes my face look kind of odd. No one has ever commented on it before, so maybe it's not as bad as I think it is.

 

[NullSz00]

Why does real life suck so much?

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Whoever called Prozac "bottled sunshine" needed to be taken out back and shot, like yesterday. Bottled sunshine, my ass. More like bottled apathy lol

 

[HereTomorrow]

I want nothing more then to be held.

Which, a friend of mine offered to do to me this summer but I'm also very embarrassed to take the offer. They offered, but I'm dealing with SA based trauma and I might freak out or make them uncomfortable. I'm a bit fragile IRL and I don't want to be a burden on them for giving me time and patience to settle in compared to just doing it.

But still, platonic skin to skin contact is something I desperately need, I find myself building up to another emotional overwhelm and there's not much I can do to stop it, such is the way of life.

 

[untothedepths]

Almost nothing. Just a lingering sense of pain and regret that can cascade at a moments notice. Pathetic death throes of emotion and regret. It's better to be killed off. Feeling nothing is so much better than all of the exhaustive emotions I've felt. I am changing. Probably for the worst. But I feel more stable.

Doesn't mean I won't CTB. I want death.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

My friends and I were partying and one of them passed out, then fell down the stairs backwards. We were drinking, doing whippets, and also doing coke (which I very rarely do nowadays). The ambulance was called, and I held c-spine (basically keeping them from moving their head in case they hurt their neck) until paramedics arrived. One of the paramedics was actually someone I knew from high school, but they didn't recognize me because I've had 2 plastic surgeries and my style is very different compared to when I was in high school. Luckily they didn't recognize me, because I was totally coked out and clenching my jaw (real classy, lol). Now I feel mostly sober but I'm wired and can't sleep. At least I'm not working tomorrow.

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Confused. Feeling functional and 'fine'but then I remember both my new jobs are easy min wage slave type ones and just for the summer season so no commitment pressure either. So I'm keeping busy and distracted. So why bother with my therapy (next session before work tomorrow - online) when I still have no question to answer or goal to aim for - but I also know time is ticking before I annoy myself again and build up some form of reason to regret/ruminate/hate myself. I guess if my new niggle in my elbow doesn't clear up quick that would be the next slippery spiral slope for me.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm stressed out at the moment since I'm behind on a bunch of school work and I have an exam coming up this week. You know, I'm not very good at abstract thinking, which is really embarrassing. I'm mostly bringing it up because I'm cutrently watching a lecture going over Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development.

 

[Bed]

i feel lost and alone. i rarely talk to anyone online anymore and i have no one irl besides my sister who i rarely see. there's this feeling of dread inside of me that won't go away and i feel overwhelmed by it. i'm angry that half the year has gone by and i barely remember it, i feel so stuck in the past. i just don't know anymore.. everyone year feels worse than the last and i only have myself to blame.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Dead inside.
Dried up.
Withered.
A shell.
A rock.
Like 'life' washes over me and I'm impervious to it. I make the effort on the surface, try new things, get out…but always my soul is in this zone of 'meh'. I want to be in love because that's what makes me feel alive….but at the same time know you can't force these things.

Oh that made me cry.

Guess I'm not as much of a rock as I'd hope to be. Oh well….

 

[PinballWizard39]

Being told you're being left out of the will and your youngest sister gets everything because she needs the stability. Wtf? *waves that *YOU DON'T MATTER* flag high*
I can't wait to just not be here anymore

 

[HereTomorrow]

Almost seriously thought of attempting last night, but didn't.

Stupid me, why can't I just throw it all away and just do it.

I just want to go out but that tiny little inkling inside me keeps saying "No, you'll regret it."
This tiny part of me wants to live, because I'm aware I'm incredibly irrational. I have good memories. I have bad memories.

I live for having a small chance I'll make a really good friend. Though the odds are quite small.
Someone I can feel confident enough to tell I'm on this website, and get me off this website by my own choice, for I won't need it when or if I choose life.

I'm irrational right now, I need to choke myself just to reset my brain. I can't make decisions like this.

 

[aidic]

Perpetually frustrated. I want what I can't have. I'm locked into perfectionism when perfection does not exist.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Feel terrible and stupid and lonely and stupid and guilty. I'll go back into work next time and see what the fallout is. Man.

 

[CTB Dream]

This human species rly awfl

 

[PinballWizard39]

Am I mad or am I just broken?
Either way, I can't keep going like this much longer.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Wide awake.

Yesterday I drank black tea instead of green tea like I had been for the past few days while I was sick and I guess the extra milligrams of caffeine was enough to make me stay up for a few extra hours. Oops.

I plan to go back to work today although I'll probably have two days off right after. Technically my last day is on Sunday unless they can somehow convince me to stay but I kind of doubt they could since they can't directly influence my crush to like me and making slightly more money isn't really that big of a motivator for me either. They seem pretty desperate though from what I've been hearing.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Weary yet vacuous. Full of nothing.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Very sleepy, have food poisoning and not slept more then 4 hours. Can't miss work, I'm going in sick. Sleepy.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm bored. I have to study for an upcoming midterm but I'm procrastinating, lol. I finally caught up with all my schoolwork though, so that's great. You know, I find that my face looks significantly better after I use a cleanser, a face scrubber, and moisturizer on it in the morning. My acne seems to be going away, which is good. My skin is usually clear unless I'm about to go on my period so I don't know why it acted up all of a sudden. It could be my pcos, idk.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I like this thread because I can say whatever's in my head and I don't need to have a conversation about anything I've just said.

'Where did you see yourself even just a mere year ago?'

Being depressed, traumatised and tragic still, was just a given. Buying poison online, planning my death down to the last detail and talking to others who hate the platitudes as much as I do - nah, didn't foresee this one. I'm either going to end up dead, sectioned or in a gutter because everybody is sick of me. Go big or go home, right? Why not? Treat myself.

 

[lost_ange2211]

Empty, disconnected, out of place..

 

[thebelljarrr]

I hope death will have a place to rest or whatever because I'm fucking tired of feeling lost of having nowhere to go

 

[HereTomorrow]

Touch starved to death. So stressed.

Need hugs, absolutely desprate to the point I am so tempted to call up a friend just to hug them and platonically hold them until I stop internally screaming. All with their permission and consent, of course.

I'm too much of a coward though. I have a fortress built of fear of opening up and to ask for a hug or to be safely touched feels like a death sentence.