Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Lady Laudanum]

I was doing whippets at a party and got a bit carried away. Ooooooops

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I went to the school today to check up on some stuff and was a bit anxious at first. So far, everything seems to be fine though.

I feel like I've been thinking a lot about my unlikeability lately. I must sound a bit like a broken record at this point. I think part of why I keep thinking about this so much is because of its connection with my other flaws. I'm a very argumentative person, I'm stubborn, I'm dumb, I'm not articulate, I'm a bitch, and those traits of mine seem to be seeping out more and more as of late (at least on here). I know I need to work on getting rid of these traits, or at least try to dial them down a bit, but I always get carried away in the heat of the moment and allow them to rear their ugly heads. I wonder why I'm like this. I'll probably end up trying to reflect on this a bit more during my next shrooms trip. I find that my introspection is much better when I'm tripping, probably because psilocybin causes the barrier between the conscious and subconscious mind to fall and allows for those two parts of the brain to communicate with each other. Introspection is good but it comes with a lot of limitations and our inability to access our unconscious mind is one of them, so I guess those drugs might help in that regard.

You know, in one of my psych classes we talked about the "I" Self. There is the "Me" Self and the "I" Self. The I self refers to you as a subject while the me self refers to you as an object. Those feelings you have right now, as someone who is a separate entity from your environment, those feelings you have, the thoughts currently going through your head, and the sensations you are experiencing at this very moment are a part of your I self. Your me self refers to what comes up when you reflect or think about yourself. Your memories, self-concept, self-esteem, and prospects make up this part of yourself. I'm probably wrong. I'm not very smart and I have poor abstract thinking skills, so take my explanation of this concept with a grain of salt.

Sometimes, certain things can poke holes through your I self, leading to things either being claimed as part of one's self, such as in the case of the rubber hand illusion, or your sense of self-becoming incorporated into the environment, such as when you tripping on psychedelics. Despite this loss of self, people usually report feeling happy. I've found that I usually feel happier when I'm slightly disconnected from myself, like when I am tripping. The feeling of my sense of self, of me as an entity existing completely separated from my environment, dissolving a bit makes me feel free. I wish I could always feel that way. I understand that the barrier between me and my environment exists for a reason, but a part of me hates it. I guess this could be interpreted as being, at least in part, due to my own self-hatred, idk.

I feel like I'm slowly regressing into my old shitty ways. I know that progress isn't linear and that it involves a lot of back and forths but I can't help but kind of hate myself for it. I know I shouldn't ruminate. Ruminating just fucks you over, but I can't help it sometimes.

My empathy is low (especially my affective empathy), I can't seem to connect too deeply with my emotions, I have trouble socializing, I can't make friends because I know that I'll become too paranoid about them secretly hating me and wanting to abandon me, I've got no talents, no skills, no brains, no looks, nothing. Honestly, it's pathetic, lol. I don't feel sad right now. Maybe neutral? Idk.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm just exhausted overall and I'm in so much pain because I'm still alive

 

[ImTelling]

Annoyed, headache, deep shame, thirsty

 

[HereTomorrow]

Stressed, going back to my old high school in less then an hour for a reunion. I've been dreading and excited for this for a bit. I have no friends going there, but a few people who aren't fond of me will.

I hope my middle school crush doesn't show up, but she's also recently from university last year, so she might show up for fun? God if that happens I'm gonna feel more emotions. I'm mostly not stressed if I don't see her. She most likely won't be there, but man, if she did. Dear God...

I'll be okay, just stressed.

 

[HereTomorrow]

So the reunion is a bit of a complicated thing compared to most places but it spans 3 separate days. I looked at the list of those attending (50) and there is my middle school crush right underneath mine, "in no particular order", though she wasn't here today.

Meaning, she'll likely be there on the next day (Friday) because yesterday was set up recently so less people came.

So instead of randomly seeing my crush in retail once in a while. I KNOW exactly when she is coming and it's a lot more stressful then seeing her for like a few seconds.

I could obviously move myself away to avoid anything awkward or even just not go at all but I thought she moved on from all the high school stuff. I'm anticipating very strong emotions and currently in a constant state of moderate stress. It's painful. I hate being same sex attracted, I hate this situation.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My throat was sore all day yesterday and it's even worse today but I don't feel any sort of fever so I don't think I'm sick. It feels like I wore out my voice somehow but I don't remember doing anything that would cause this much pain. I've been trying to numb it with cough drops but even the super strong ones aren't enough.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm in an okay mood right now. I sent some stuff to my bf last night and that seems to have put him in a very good mood this morning, lol. I feel like I'm a bit behind on my school work right now. I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to keep on watching the lectures, which is frustrating.

 

[kyhoti]

Light headed, like any minute my head will turn into a balloon and float away. My neuropathy is foot to knee and hand to elbow. Its like 30 seconds after a jump scare, when that full body panic sets in but nothing is physically wrong. I feel like I want to go all kitteh, crawl into a nice warm hole and stay there.

 

[PinballWizard39]

It just feels like everyday brings more stress/anxiety/fear that I can't deal with. Talking about it stopped helping a long time ago when it was proven no-one gives a flying fuck how I feel. Had my therapist today, got pretty upset but refrained from talking much about my suicide thoughts. Talked about them in the past tense (if you can call last week 'past tense') not that it matters. I can blatantly say I have suicidal plans in the form of 'x' and I still wouldn't be heard. It doesn't matter anyway as in several weeks, his support is being pulled from me anyway. With everything that goes to shit or all the emotions I have to swallow down and pretend aren't there, I want to die all the more. I've spent all day in bed because I just haven't been able to deal with being in my head. The only think I have to focus on now is the plans I am making to ensure I don't have to suffer much longer. And it's so heart-wrenching because it didn't need to come to this if I could just access the trauma therapy that I've needed for so many years. I guess I'll be doing the mental health team a favour because at least I won't be on their books anymore. One less person to deal with. Put me in the ground and let me be.

 

[everythingoes]

I look at the poor men, women and children in Palestine, the horrors they are going through, and I am glad that I'll leave a world that allows such depravity to happen. I do not want to live in such a world. I'm gladly leaving it. We have failed.

 

[Sulyya]

Can't manage, i just want to sleep forever and have everyone forget me

 

[aWeeBitTired]

Alone

 

[PinballWizard39]

I went back to the burns clinic today for another re-dressing. How is it that the general nurse gave more of a shit about my mental health than the mental health nurses? She said I looked broken (if only you knew) and said she wanted it noted on the mental health records that she was concerned for my wellbeing. I told her to go ahead if she wanted, because it's not like anything will come of it. Maybe when I'm not here anymore, they'll realise all the times they failed. Or maybe I'm not even that special.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My throat was sore all day yesterday and it's even worse today but I don't feel any sort of fever so I don't think I'm sick. It feels like I wore out my voice somehow but I don't remember doing anything that would cause this much pain. I've been trying to numb it with cough drops but even the super strong ones aren't enough.

Well I managed to get a test and it turns out I have had Covid all along. Again. I didn't even go to the local anime convention where they removed their mask and vaccination mandates but I probably met with people who had.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Fuck, I feel so nauseous. I just visited not that long ago.

 

[everythingoes]

I feel like I'm decaying from the inside out.

 

[lost_ange1]

Tired, in pain, empty to a point and thoughtful.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Really giggly and panicked.

A customer had a medical emergency at work and despite everyone walking past her I examined her situation, she said she needed someone ASAP, so I contacted the pharmacy where someone was able to reach her within 30 seconds. I backed away to let the pharmacist observe her and from a distance another two pharmacists came to her aid within 30 minutes before they all left the area.

A few hours later I was given a $5 coupon for a sub sandwich for my "quick and calm thinking in an emergency situation". I wasn't given full details of what happened, but the woman is okay now.

I don't want to say with certainty I saved a life, at most definitely lessened the physical agony of the person. But I'm giggling that I potentially saved a woman's life and all I got a mini coupon that only works for like 10 specific items in the store and a handful of compliments from the pharmacy staff. I'm not upset at this, I'll gladly save someone's life again without an award. There's an emotion for this I'm feeling, I'm unsure. But whatever I'm feeling I'm feeling it quite strong.

I'm still stressed and panicked about potentially seeing my crush at a close proximity tomorrow for the first time since 2020, but the events of today is nullifying it, mostly.

 

[NullSz00]

Every day just gets worse...

 

[Salvation_]

Life in school sucks, life after school still sucks. Who would've known?

 

[PinballWizard39]

Everything makes me feel so tired. Breathing wears me out. Like seriously what is wrong with me, I can't function properly and I have to work the weekend yet. I am a shadow of a person I was just a year ago, and that's saying something, I was in a trauma crisis back then caused by an undertrained therapist, and mere days away from sudden death of my mum. And that brought with it even bigger triggers to come. The triggers have never stopped coming.

 

[lonely&trapped.]

Feeling unloved and unwanted. Feelings of SI, as usual.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My manager JUST found out about me resigning my job and putting in my two weeks even though I had submitted a written letter to his inbox all the way on Sunday. I called in sick today because I'm actually sick with Covid and he did agree to let me not go today but now he's trying to convince me to stay. Saying what a hard worker I am and how much everyone needs me. I don't even feel all that useful and there's no way I'll continue to be useful if all I do is keep taking days off because of sickness or mental breakdowns. How important could I really be? It's pissing me off honestly. I'm pretty sure he knows about me having a crush but he doesn't want to address that and I don't want to mention her because I don't want them targeting her in any way about it. Why must work be so stupid. Maybe I should just stay until I actually have another job locked in? Or maybe I should just quit before the two weeks and leave it all behind. Either options seems way too destructive even for me. I hate having to deal with this inner turmoil. I wish I could just tell her already but I know she probably hates me. And if she hates me then I absolutely couldn't bear working there. I need to get out of there for sure.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I feel kind of tired, but that's probably because I spent around three hours fighting to pay attention to my recorded lecture (which was only around an hour long). It's not that I hate the class or anything rather I'm just a very slow worker. I also just registered to be an organ donor. Turns out you can do it online and it takes less than 5 minutes, lol. I guess that's one thing to cross off my bucket list. I also want to donate blood one of these days. I've heard people in my class back in high school talking about how they don't want to ever become organ donors because something about it was "creepy" to them, which I can't help but find to be so fucking stupid. It feels like a lame excuse rather than a genuine reason not to, but I guess it's their body and their choice.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I'm really excited to go back to school and get an actual degree.

I went to university for a bit after high school, but dropped out for mental health reasons even though my grades were generally always pretty good.

I also went through training as an EMT but never got a job in EMS due to my physical health. It would likely only be a viable career for a few years at most, because my health issues are only getting worse even though I'm no longer severely underweight. I've had an ED for over 10 years and my digestive system is not completely broken yet but I have permanent issues that can make me a liability if I work as a first responder. I can't bend at the waist without my stomach emptying if I had a meal less than an hour ago. If I eat too quickly, my stomach hurts so much that I either end up puking or have to sit completely still for a long time, for the feeling to go away. I also get vasovagal syncope and no doctors have been able to pinpoint an exact cause. If I was working in EMS then I would not be able to get away with not eating or eating very little before/during work. Having random fainting episodes also means that I'll never be able to do a job where I'm taking care of patients.

My current job pays a lot better than EMS, is not as physically demanding, and has reasonable hours. I also had to go through training for my current job, obviously, but it was really not that bad. I can't see myself doing the same job until retirement though. I also have a pretty good part-time job as a model now, so I'll be able to live on that income once I go back to school and quit my normal job. I won't say what exactly I'll be studying once I go back to school, but it'll lead to good job prospects and eventually I won't have to worry about my body breaking from work.

 

[sukiduki]

i wanna feel happy but it feels impossible

 

[Heartbroken Nurse]

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Profound loneliness and sadness that gets worse every day. I find no joy in anything anymore. My boyfriend doesn't care that I cry myself to sleep every night. He blames me for everything and makes me feel so alone. I desperately sneed to be held but no one cares enough. I've posted so many things that clearly show I'm suffering and no one checks on me. I want to go tonight but have no way of doing so. I want to sneak out of this house and end it all finally. F*ck the plans, I can't wait anymore. I wish I had a quick and gentle way of taking my last breaths tonight.

 

[RURIRA]

I don't feel sad anymore, don't feel happy either. Is this what people called "peaceful"?

 

[Heartaches]

Sleepy