Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well it's been over a week since I unwittingly took a nicotine pouch while drunk. I'm not a regular user of nicotine at all but I can already feel the withdrawal symptoms increasing. I have been very irritable as of late. Last time this happened was a few years ago when I tried one of my friend's vapes and I didn't even know it had nicotine in it so I spent the next month or so going through withdrawal without knowing. I don't really have any urge to get anymore but these symptoms do suck.

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I'm so broken and haunted by regret. What the hell have I done? I'm so scared.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Desperate

 

[Hibernation]

Im really tired im off work for two weeks... i couldnt get out of bed today ive struggled to clean the house just feel anything. Im bleeding all the time for no reason im just so tired. I dont feel i have much of a relationship with my boyfriend hes either at work or uni i feel like a constant bother to him and he only comes to see me for sex ive deleted whatsapp so i dont have to talk to him. My daughter got sent home from school struggled to make her tea she just goes straight in her room when she gets home.ive just drank because thats the only thing that makes me feel better and ive got back into bed cant concentrate on watching anything i cant wait till its dark to go to sleep.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I made the mistake of calling the mental health crisis line a couple of nights ago. I don't know why I did it. Or maybe I do. I don't want to die but there is no other option anymore as I can't access the help I need. I need long term trauma therapy and the NHS is in such a mess it can't provide it and hasn't provided it in the past 25 years that I've needed it. I can't keep living like this. I guess I'm just trying to decide if I act on those thoughts now or after the pitiful 12 sessions of therapy I've been given (8 remain). The team called me on Monday and asked me loads of questions about my suicidal thoughts but I just kept yelling 'it's doesn't matter because you can't fix it'. I feel like I'm losing it. They told me to call them if I can't keep myself safe. Why? That conversation would go like this: ' Hi, I really want to kill myself'. 'Ok, have you tried distraction?'. Fuck off. Why would I call if I decided I was going to act on them. I'll literally just be saying 'I'm going to kill myself.' That doesn't look attention seeking does it, so no, I won't be calling you. They are calling me tomorrow and as much as I just want to say how fucking not ok I am, there is literally no point at all. I don't want to do it anymore, I can't do it anymore, not when this is as good as it gets. And so, I shall just tell them what they want to here. Let's be honest, any excuse to not deal with patients and they're all over it.
I do have massive amounts of ambivalence, of course I do. If the help were available, I wouldn't even be in this mindset. But the fact remains, this is as good as it gets for me.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Same old, same old. Read, played vidya, ate like a pig, listened to music. Fuck, I need to get a life. Or at least get some other hobbies, or anything, really. Just kind of apathetic . Slept, awoke, slept, awoke, miserable life.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

How I really feel....
The Smiths-Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now .....








I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But Heaven knows, I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job and then I found a job
And Heaven knows, I'm miserable now

In my life, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?

Two lovers entwined pass me by
And Heaven knows, I'm miserable now
I was looking for a job and then I found a job
And Heaven knows, I'm miserable now

In my life, oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?

What she asked of me at the end of the day
Caligula would have blushed
"Oh, you've been in the house too long", she said
And I naturally fled

In my life, why do I smile
At people who I'd much rather kick in the eye?

I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But Heaven knows, I'm miserable now
"Oh, you've been in the house too long", she said
And I naturally fled

In my life, oh, why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I live or die?

 

[HereTomorrow]

Emotional overwhelm turned into brain fog back to emotional overwhelm.

Constantly choking myself just to feel anything besides numbness. Dug into my room and found my blades, but couldn't do it. I'm so numb. I don't want to take weed because I'm visiting my old high school next week. I'm tired. I keep pressing on my neck to black out, my BP is too normal now to lower it much.

I need something to feel, I feel nothing short of trapped in this world. I'm hurting. Why can't I think deeply? I can't do what I love like drawing or writing or playing videogames without feeling fustrated.

Memories of abuse keep resurfacing. Internalized it enough to crash at home after shift.

I keep thinking about CTB at the moment, but every time I do I remember it's temporary and I just need to survive tonight. This is temporary. But this is a lot of temporary episodes to the point it feels permanent. I'm so lost...

Edit: Took 2mg THC gummies. It'll wear off before next week.

Edit 2: Still feeling the brain fog but it's slowly not bothering me. Emotional overwhelm gone. I'm feeling okay, hopefully soon good.

Edit 3: I'm doing much better. Overwhelms gone. Numbness is tolerable and I ate ice cream. I'm happy I'm still here.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Couldn't sleep because his words echoed in my mind. The thought-stopping clichés, the putting words in my mouth, the projection, the accusations of me saying things I've never said. I know you want to win, J. For some reason that I can't understand. What else do you want me to do, chop off my hair so that the fact that I have a similar hairlength to you doesn't upset you anymore? "I do not wish to compete with you, but you know the child-like light you've described that you had but lost after last year? [when my life fell apart because I was abused by my therapist and developed PTSD again] I think I'm gaining that." He casually said just days after I set my date. Congratulations man. You won. I hope it feels fantastic.

Woke up feeling happy. They were still with me in my dreams. "Denial. No! Denial!" Was the first thing I thought. Can't eat, forcing down water. I miss her right now. She was the only person I felt comfortable talking to about the event. Which felt unfair to her, so I tried not to. Kept it to myself as often as possible. I hate myself for it all. I hate myself for being an eternally suffering nuisance. PTSD has bereft me of everything.

Yet another grieving phase. Because I haven't had enough of those, apparently. I wish someone would kill me. I think this bout will.

 

[bearbrikk]

I feel everything, every emotion in this world right now. I don't know what to do, what to say. I don't understand this world and the people in it. Every day is a working job for me. I am a chameleon, who morphs into someone/something, to adjust to the people who I come across. To be liked, to be seen, heard, and loved. I came to understand, that right now that is my only goal in life. To belong. All of my conditions just make the pain of disappointment 10x worse.

Right now, at this moment, I am mourning a ´what if´. I have BPD and autism. I get attached to people rather quickly, if I connect with them. I have had a convo with someone who was like a breath of fresh air yesterday. I unfortunately got a bit attached and now that I know it's over, I just feel the pain. I am mourning the loss of someone/something ( a friendship ) that I never even had. I am trying to let go and just be grateful for the experience of her talking to me..

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm feeling alright at the moment. I have two parts of a lecture to watch and take notes on and I should probably get started on that soon.

Just now I measured my waist. I have this strange obsession with wanting my waist to be smaller. It's pretty dumb, especially since my waist is already smaller than average (it's around 24-25 inches), but I can't help it. My own dislike and lack of satisfaction with my body likely stems from me being online too much. Even though I don't have instagram or tiktok I always end up coming across images of these women with these perfect bodies and it makes me feel unsatisfied with my looks. I understand that most of those images are either photoshopped or they just posed in a certain way to get that look. I also understand that technically my body does, kind of, meet the beauty standard in regards to its shape. My ass is small, my boobs aren't perky, and I have stretch marks, along with a bit of scarring around my lower legs (I have a habit of picking the skin there and pulling out my leg hairs), but otherwise I am closer to meeting those standards than others. Even so, there always feels like there is this expectation for me to look perfect. I constantly feel like I'm not allowed have any flaws in my appearance. It's honestly just annoying, but that's what I get for being a woman, lol.

On the subject of my face, I've come to actually appreciate my face a bit more than before. It's not pretty, but my facial features are a reflection of my diverse ancestry, one that I've come to value a lot, especially on my mom's side of the family. I look biracial but I'm actually mixed with more than just black and white (I'm not even half white, lol). I'm coming to accept my facial appearance, but I still need to learn to accept the appearance of my body. I'm not looking for self-love. I just want to get to a state where I can feel neutral about myself.

 

[Circles]

It's crazy how time does indeed fly. Days become years and still being suicidal despite that makes me feel like I'm a fraud. To tell you the truth I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet. I tell myself it's for my mom or for my family, I'm scared of making a mistake, responsibilities or whatever. But if there ever was the existence of limbo where you're stuck between life and death that would be where I am and I'm trapped. I don't know what to do with this life of mine because it's so hard to improve it in any way and with death being so final there's not many options for me.

I hate feeling like I've invested so much time and mental energy hell my life dedicated to the idea of suicide and not go through with it. I have to remind myself that suicide is not a race and that suicide is always there as an option, but I feel so… wrong or bad in a weird indescribable sense.

Now that I'm reaching 30 I hate myself for spending so much of my 20s on suicide that it feels like a black hole now where I can't escape from. I used to fantasize about death, think about it till I went to sleep, but now in some small part of myself I despise death because now I have no options or choice of the matter. Yes suicide is my choice but depending on one's circumstances it can be a forced choice.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I don't know why I bother to dress up and do my makeup. Most of the time I feel too fat and ugly to deserve the nice things that I have. I feel like it's pointless, like putting lipstick on a pig. I objectively know that I'm not fat or ugly, but seeing my reflection in the mirror legit makes me feel disgusted and want to puke.

 

[Catchinthebus]

Absolutely disgusted with myself and hopeless. I'm worth nothing. I am nothing. I disappoint everyone around me. I try my best and still it's not enough. I can see, I can tell, I can feel that no one truly likes me or loves me. They hate me. And I don't blame them. I have myself. My love broke up with me and I left him the bloody tissues from when I cut myself. He blocked me in absolutely every social page imaginable and called me a psychopath. Maybe I am. I'm disgusted with myself and I'm sure he's absolutely disgusted that he's ever even touched me. That he's ever loved me. That he ever even looked at me. I don't even want to look at me. I recognize that girl in the mirror too well. I don't want her there but she appears and appears and appears and appears and appears and appears and is just too fucking dumb to kill herself. No one can help me. Please please help me. Love me. Want me. Please.

 

[TheDissapointment]

I'm extremely tired and confused… I've tried to stick around for so long and hopefully learn to care about my life… in a way I have, but I feel like the longer I go on, the more lost and unsure I become… but I'm not allowed to be unsure because then I have no direction and become a disappointment to those around me… I've been trying therapy but I'm having a hard time trusting my therapist(s) but I can't help but feel hopeless about it and about everything. I'm really trying but it never seems to be enough or get better… people keep telling me that my problem is that I don't really want things to get better, and I don't know if that's true or not… if that's true, what am I supposed to do? But I don't care enough to argue and I do just wanna end it all so I guess it is somewhat true… I just don't know what to do anymore…
If anyone has advice, whether it be CTB, recovery, or just some nice words, I'd be greatly appreciative.

 

[moshimoshi]

Stagnant and bored. Scared of the future, terrified. How am I supposed to survive in this world when every little bad thing that happens to me shatters me, I hate being so sensitive, how am I even supposed to get a job soon when just existing is very overwhelming. Any second I feel like I'll slip and undo all of the progress I've made

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Fellas, am I a weirdo or a genius for using a permanent marker to fill in areas that faded from wear and tear, on pants that I use for work?

I have a physically demanding job that involves being on my knees a decent amount, and I guess my knees are also pointy. So basically every pair of black pants I own has these faded marks even though every other part looks perfectly fine most of the time. I wear the same pants during my day to day life and having obvious faded areas on my pants is just not a good look. If my pants are otherwise in good shape though, I don't see any reason to replace them just yet. I'm totally a cheapskate lmao.

 

[HereTomorrow]

I took a high dose of Vitamin B and C. My numbness and dissociation went down a bit more, still there, but better.

Anyway, I feel terrified because I'm visiting a skin doctor tomorrow for the first time in a while, and he'll likely be inspecting various parts of my body. Because I'll be on parental insurance until 26 and they have special access to view my medical records and usage of it (yes, I did sign off on it at 18), I don't feel safe telling the doctor I'm really not okay with people touching me because I don't know if SA appears on medical records or God forbid I'm referred to therapy. Heart rate and stress have been up as well. I don't want to be touched, let alone exposed my skin to someone I barely know! I know it's for medical purposes but I don't feel safe telling people, even doctors.

 

[passivethought121]

Very upset that after a month of healthy eating, exercising, realistic thinking, and "acceptance", I still want to die. I made the mistake of listening to advice. I am upset that I wasted time and forfeit my desires just to never feel "good" enough.

 

[Havnis]

I miss my old self, where everything was new, stuff was just waiting to be discovered, I miss her, and I miss the moment when I first knew her. I miss reading her book for the first time, I want to go back. I miss my old music, it reminds me of my old memories.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I got into the Sonic Rumble Party closed beta so that's neat but all the sessions will be either too early in the morning or during my work. I suppose I could cancel work but I don't think I should. I'm still not even sure if I'm quitting or not. I really really want to but I know it's going to suck having to look for another job even though they'd be better than this one. I'm too stupid and incompetent and lazy to try to find one while still in a job. Trying to find a job these days might as well take up the time of a full time job anyway.

I'm trying my hardest not to think about my crush but it's so hard not to fall back on the crumbs of hints that I may have misinterpreted. I really thought I could only ever be interested in people who showed interest in me first so how did I screw up so bad and fall for someone who seemingly has no interest in me again? I hate being alive and having to ponder these things. I wish I could just see my support level stats with everyone and have a YouTube walkthrough available for each and every romance option available to me in this life and if I don't like any of them I'd rather just start over in a different game.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

Anxiety hit today. Feeling as if I'm going to vomit. She made a post about how she's sick of people's bullshit, not very unusual for her but I can't help but think that she is refering to me. I hate myself. CTB still scares me, I think it always will, but I have to do it, I can't live with this any longer. I don't want to, I don't want to I don't want to. PTSD stole everything. Everything. What sucks is that I know that this is just going to get worse with time. I should start cleaning today. I plan to do a deep-cleaning before I CTB. I'm afraid lf being found in a messy home and having people judge me for it.

For fucks sake make it stop make it stop make it stop

Edit: I took the trash out and I feel even worse. Have to order groceries and budget. I don't feel like groceries, I don't want any groceries.

 

[derpyderpins]

I am feeling that this thread is difficult for me because I want to think way too much and plan out my answer before posting but I'll do my best to just vent.

I try to be an optimist, especially with individual people. I want to think everyone can improve and be better. I need to learn that just because they can doesn't mean they will. Sometimes, people tell you exactly who they are, and even if it sounds really bad, and they know it's bad, they don't want to change, and I can't make them, and I absolutely need to learn not to get invested in an idealized version of people. It's burned me before. It's burned me through limerance in romance. It's burned me in my career. Now it's burning me as I try to take a philosophical dive inward and look to survive my current suicide ideation. I NEED to learn to believe in people but not to trust them or put my faith in them.

 

[moshimoshi]

I want to die so fucking badlllyyyyyyyyyy aughhhhhhhh

 

[CTB Dream]

Not know wat do, sffr body brain Also lone all time

 

[HereTomorrow]

Last March I've told a high school friend about my SA and then she vanished from my life. The day I told her was the day I started to have more frequent dissociations. Can't tell if that's a coincidence.

I'm thinking of reaching out to her randomly. I don't know how she'll feel, but I know she's out of university. She said she was grateful for me telling her, I hope I didn't hurt her too much, we were friends for nearly a decade now.

I need this dissociation to go away. I've been feeling this way on and off for a while. I took a nap and woke up in sweats. I can't focus on anything and feel stress and panic all the time. I don't know who to verbally tell, they all deserve better then me.

 

[moshimoshi]

Disgusted with myself

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm feeling okay, I guess. I've decided to try learning more about brain anatomy, but sadly it's hard for me because my brain looks like this:

Spoiler: Image of my brain

I've also been thinking more about intelligence lately, specifically in regards to my stupidity. I don't hate myself for being dumb anymore. It used to be a sore spot for me, but I've come to accept the fact that I'm an idiot. Everyone's an idiot to some extent, whether we'd like to admit it or not. It's just that some people are dumber than others, and I would say that I rank pretty high when it comes to being an idiot, lol. It's funny, because the fact that I'm really dumb used to bother me a lot. I think it started after I found out that a friend of mine, from back elementary, was complaining about how stupid I was behind my back. It really stung at the time because the year before, while she was out of the country, my other friends stopped hanging out with me and my feelings of wanting to die had started to get worse. She was my best friend at the time and I remember really missing her during that period where, at the time, I facing a lot of mental challenges. To add insult to injury, she was also very bright, which made finding out about those comments sting even more.

Of course, when I found out about the comments I did not take it well at all. I ended up being a complete asshole about it. I think the whole ordeal did end up impacting me for quite some time, much longer than I care to admit. The thing is, she was right. I am really fucking dumb and I can also be really annoying. Those are just flaws of mine. I've come not to hate myself for those flaws though. If I'm an annoying idiot then I'll just need to work on that. I have a lot of flaws that I need to work on and I'm aware of that. My progress will probably end up being incredibly slow, but that's fine. Everyone moves at their own pace and mines just happens to be a really slow one.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I got sent home from work within the first hour because I accidentally cut my hand. My boss is nice and is still going to pay me for the full shift today. I guess they felt bad for me. So now I get to go back to sleep and still collect my paycheck for the day. My hand kinda hurts but I'm not too mad about the situation today.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Old, fat and ugly.

Screaming like a fish in a desert