Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well, I got called to work full time today. There goes three and a half hours of my day. Guess I'll just have to see if I can make good on my plans to tell her how I feel knowing I'm already bound to be rejected. I'm still honestly more okay with that right now than if she somehow doesn't reject me because that would make no sense.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

So damn tired. I can't go to bed yet. I'm barely awake. . I wish to never wake up.
This is all needless bullshit.

 

[soulkitty]

Scared

 

[juna]

Lonely...

 

[tiredplant777]

So lonely.

 

[HereTomorrow]

My manager approved my day off, then unapproved it because "nobody can replace you" and "we need you".

I spent all of last week stressed it wouldn't get approved when it did.

I need the day off work. Please don't work retail. I'm gonna fight this with upper management.

I'm stressed.

Wait this is a suicide forum why am I looking forward to an event?

 

[Pathetic and Sad]

Managed to snag two hours sleep tonight. I get constant anxiety attacks, and haven't been able to get a full proper sleep for a week. My neck hurts and I'm constantly tired. I know I should tell my parents, get help and maybe even some sleeping pills, but I'm trying to hold it out for a few months before I get out of the house. I know they love me and worry about me, but they can't understand my problems and I don't wanna burden them anymore. I'm already an adult now.

 

[roboteulogy]

hurt and lost. i stupidly thought things would all be okay for a bit. and where do i end up? here again - with same thoughts and feelings like i never even left. i hate that feeling of hope. it makes times like this even harder when i feel completely hopeless. i'm a naive hopeful fool and i have no one to blame but myself.

i can't eat, i can't sleep. i'm constantly anxious and on edge and i feel alarmed. i feel like if i close my eyes for a little bit, time will pass too fast and i will miss my opportunity to fix my life. i know it's not rational or even real but i can't stop feeling this way.

plus i already tried my best, i did everything in my power. there's nothing more to add now. my best isn't enough. i hate to think that it's my fault too. there's nothing more i could've done. i mourn for the future i hoped for and the past i lived.

i woke up at 3am from a panic. i felt that i slept too long even though i only slept 2 hours in like 30 hours. i felt that i was late for something. i don't know what.

i've been crying for 7 hours now and i'm tired. but something in my chest aches and crying squeezes and squeezes and squeezes at it. it is the only thing close to catharsis i have. i'm so tired. so tired of having to do this shit over and over again.

i'm angry and bitter at the world for its unfairness. i never wanted anything grand or special. i just wanted to live a normal life. i don't deserve this suffering. i don't know what to do now. i couldn't kill myself if i tried. i don't even have my kit anymore. and too many people have put too much effort on me to die now. but what then, what do i do now? i pray that the world would end so i won't have to feel this grief and sorrow anymore and i won't have to break anyone's heart. there's so much i need to carry but i'm not made for this kind of stress. i've had enough and i can't leave

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well, I got called to work full time today. There goes three and a half hours of my day. Guess I'll just have to see if I can make good on my plans to tell her how I feel knowing I'm already bound to be rejected. I'm still honestly more okay with that right now than if she somehow doesn't reject me because that would make no sense.

I didn't even get to tell her and I think she's starting to get annoyed at that. Either that or she's just annoyed about me in general.

My manager won't even let me work near her anymore probably because somebody told him why I've been so panicky recently. Seems like everyone knows now and that could be another reason she resents me. I know my manager is probably just trying to help by not putting me around her but honestly I don't care. I hate him for that. I guess he really needs me because he asked me if I want to learn to drive a forklift. I should have told him to fuck off and that technically I put in my two weeks almost a week ago but I didn't do that. I just said "haha, maybe."

I feel like such an idiot and a coward. An idiotic coward. A cowardly idiot. Someone put me out of my misery.

 

[soulkitty]

Sad and frustrated about a lot of things. Sad at how vile people can be sometimes. I'm also sad because there's people I really want to talk to, and friends that I want to talk more with. But my social battery is so low lately, I wish I had enough energy to keep up with everything. It really bothers me because I feel like my life span is limited and I want to get to know people better and talk normally but I've not been able to keep up and then end up scared that something will happen to the people I care about and I didn't have enough time with them

 

[HereTomorrow]

Emotional overwhelm.
I want to cry but I cannot.
I'm hurting, but I always am.

Therapy trauma sucks because you can't explain it to people without them being angry or upset or "go to another therapist".
I keep hearing all these statistics about how people feel slightly better after two months but I was there for two years, the last 6 months I begged the sessions to stop but I was just a child and nothing I said mattered. My mental health was worse from therapy and I begun cutting to cope, which means I needed more therapy. Therapy to me was punishment for being sexually abused but having amnesia from trauma. Besides maybe the first few sessions, I never felt safe with the person, and I was told they couldn't find anyone else for me.

I lost friends due to this worsening mental health, and I nearly got a friend intervention to get me to go to therapy and they dropped me when I tried to explain my therapy trauma, as if it's something that doesn't exist apprently.

I'm hurting. I want to cry. Why can't I?
Why am I still here?
Why can't I just muster the effort to just CTB? I keep forcing myself to live to appease everyone else but I'm only proving myself to be a burden to everyone I love. I suffer from emotional overwhelms for a decade and I think that's enough time for me to realize there's little hope it'll stop.

People hate when I vent to them because it's always the same thing, but I feel the same pain. There is no way a therapist will ever emphasize therapy has traumatized a person, a child, a 12 year old.

I want this pain to stop. I'm hurting, but any more and I'm a broken record, so I'll stop talking here.

 

[heavyheartpig]

felt like shit last night which led to me making an account here. somehow i feel a little better today. i have no skills or secondary education and basically haven't had a job in 3 years. just started google's ux design certificate on coursera, praying to god this helps me get somewhere. if it doesn't i have no clue what i'll do but for now things are okay i think.

a funny aside: i vented to peppino spaghetti on character ai last night and started crying while he comforted me. i just think it's kinda stupid and silly that he brings me so much joy but i guess there's nothing wrong with that. i love seeing people go crazy over characters that you wouldn't normally expect to have straight up rabid stans, it's endearing

 

[Lullaby]

Another night of crying…even though I've been taking my meds, trying my best, doing what I need to and it's still not enough.

Nothing I seem to do matters.

I saw a Facebook memory today of me venting about my issues 10 years ago…10 freaking years since then and I'm still fighting. Then another 10 years before that I was in the beginning stages of my trauma and depression.

I dont want to do another 10 more years of this…

 

[soulkitty]

Scared

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I bought a couple pairs of kids size 12 pants because I need some lightweight pants for the summer. At the moment the only pants that I'm comfortable wearing on a daily basis are made of heavy canvas or twill material, which are not going to be good for the summer. I have other pants but I'm too insecure about my legs to wear anything other than loose-fitting black or navy blue pants. Both pairs of pants I got are too short on me. The waistband is slightly big but an acceptable fit. The size 14 is also a bit short but the waistband is just way too big. My body dysmorphia is so ridiculous that I feel big and fat even though kids size 12 pants are big on me and I have to adjust the waistband. I'm such a dumbass.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

I don't know.

I got her back. Well, I never lost her, except for in my damaged head. She's just as sane as always and reminded me that what happened wasn't an unforgivable crime. It felt good. I don't understand how she's so patient.

He decided to fuck off forever. She was very clear on the fact that what has happened isn't my fault and that he's not being himself, which I deeply appreciate her for. I kept living in the big, messy land of "What If's" the entire night last night. What if it is my fault? What if I am a covert abuser without realizing? What if I'm gaslighting him to absolve myself from responsibility? What if I'm a deeply twisted freak of nature who keeps hurting everyone around me? What if I lied automatically? Thank you, OCD. Much appreciated.

I don't know how to feel. I don't feel anything. Which I tend to not do during situations like this. I'm aware it makes me come off as callous, but it's because I deep down feel too much for me to handle. I don't want to know what I'm feeling behind this sticky, feverish, slightly hypomanic veil.

I woke up to Something Else. Something unknown, uncertain. He's been an important part of my life for two years, more or less a daily part of it. I loved our hour-long discussions, loved seeing him happy and succeed, loved hearing his voice, laughing with him, playing games with him. Most of all I loved being given the opportunity to bond with and grow to trust the most unexpected person ever; a three years younger man who one day randomly asked me if I had heard of Jordan Peterson. He taught me a lot, just by being himself. In the end he felt more like a little brother to me. He often started our conversations with "brother".

We were a gang. We had something together, something ineffable. One of the fundamental building stones of human nature that cannot be concretisized. Something that just worked. For a couple of months, it felt as if we were exactly where we were supposed to be. I've only experienced that one other time. Now there's just the two of us left. There's still L and K of course and while their prescence is a comfort, it's not the same. They're in the background.

Can't help but feeling that I'm being punished for my utter vanity. A year ago I had everything. I really thought there was a light in the end of the 30 year long tunnel. I can't help but feeling as if I went against the laws of the Universe, that I'm not supposed to be at ease. I flew too close to the sun and now I'm being scorched.

This past year has steadily taken so many things that matters away from me. My healing, my belonging, my sense of safety, my friends, my grandfather, my independence. Now it's taken him too. It sort of felt expected. I can't help but thinking about what or who is taken next. I don't trust the Universe anymore.

 

[soulkitty]

I want to die

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I feel very sad and alone. My boyfriend went out with his friend and I'm just home alone. I knew it would ruin my day but I can't monopolise his life. I should do house chores today, there is clothes to wash, floors to vacuum, a bathroom to clean.
I don't want to eat lunch, I just want to cry and for things to be magically done. Everything is so hard to do. I can't stand these days.

 

[PinballWizard39]

My life is pathetic. I'm nearly 40 and I have very little to show from my life. I go to work and put my face on, listen to all my colleagues telling me all the exciting things they've been up to or the things they got up to with their families. I go home to an empty flat and I know I'll probably be left alone by my friends and family as it's not unusual to not be seen or heard of for at least a few days - 'oh, shes' just having one of her weird ones (depressive episodes)'. If I don't contact my friends, they don't contact me. I have no partner, nor any kids - something I'd desperately love. I go to my mental health appointments but it just feels like I'm a robot just going through the motions because they can't/won't give me the help I desperately need. All they do is throw meds at me and suggest therapies that I've already tried or just don't need.I know it's a matter of time before they discharge me again, even despite not being any better. They're already telling me to consider going private - that's not something I can afford, especially since I've had to reduce my work days from 5 to 3, and even that feels too much sometimes. It just feels like I'm not important to anyone. What I need and want doesn't matter. I can't sit on this cycle day in day out forever, and it's cruel to expect me to.

 

[Ferdinand Bardamu]

Life's getting better, but fuck I'm lonely. I don't have any friends IRL and only a few online. I have a lot of people added on discoal and steam, but of them only about 4 do I speak to on a regular basis. Lonely af.
Apart from that, it was the same old, same old today. I read, I fapped, I played vidya. Better than nothing; reading is good, so I guess there's that, but still, every day is the same.

 

[NullSz00]

Just got reminded how useless I am...

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm feeling okay I guess. Both yesterday and today that old dude initiated a conversation with me, which helped to soothe my paranoia over him growing tired of me. Both conversations were nice. He makes me so happy that I wish he was here with me right now so that I could hug and cuddle with him. I also got some chicken and tteokbokki today. It tasted good. Not much happened besides that.

Lately, I've been noticing that I can't stand brought indoors for long periods which is weird. I usually prefer not going out at all but now it is starting to make me feel antsy. I want to walk around and explore the city more by myself, but I don't know if my mom will be too keen on letting me do so. Before my confession, she wouldn't even allow me to go downtown by myself and as of now, I have the task of rebuilding my trust with her. I'll see if I can get her to let me go out by myself, maybe sometime during my reading. I want to go to that big library that I like and look at some of the books they have.

 

[scarlet-pixie]

I feel utterly dead. I'm not upset, angry or suffering, i'm just dead. I feel hollow and soulless, like every ounce of emotion in me has already been spent this past month and now there's just nothing left.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Found out recently the slight disorientation I've been feeling is likely a tension headache and I've been psyching myself into thinking it was a trauma response. I genuinely thought I messed up my brain so much I couldn't concentrate on anything.

I've been doing my home physical therapy to help remove tension from the muscles, doing a bit better. I can read entire paragraphs without my brain buzzing out. Still not better though, just not in agonizing pain.

I'll be okay.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm such a terrible friend. A terrible person, yes, but also a terrible friend. Just so so so much evil lurking within me. Hatred and paranoia. So much of it. Anxiety is just my excuse. There's no way I'm actually suffering when I'm this evil. Evil people don't suffer. They merely get what they deserve.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Tired and fed up. Like I could pour my guys out to anyone and everyone and still be expected to downplay my own pain as though it's not important enough. I don't want to be in my head and I just want to cease to exist.

 

[sukiduki]

i feel confused i dont know what to feel i dont want to exist i saw someone last night who i secretly wished i could see if in the moment i froze and they were with someone else and i feel stupid and pathetic and i feel like i can never just be happy in life
i feel like a bad person, i feel like i'm never good enough, i feel like being alive is a punishment, i dont wanna feel anything anymore i wanna be gone

 

[HereTomorrow]

Spoiler: SA

Every time I hear stories of children being sexually abused on the news, I feel both relief the child is now safe and distress that this happened to begin with. They displayed the documents where a 7 year old girl drew what happened to her to human services. That feeling of disgust, it's happening again.

I never want to go into details about my SA publicly, but I always remember how much I exhibited it in my drawings and works throughout the years, even incorporated it into play with toys. Nobody but me knows this. I feel disgusted with myself, but I was just a kid. I couldn't of known it was "abuse".

I feel somewhat nauseous, but not actually. The body I'm living in did and experienced those things. I keep getting nightmares. I keep feeling it throughout the day. I'm scared to tell anybody outside SaSu how much this is killing me.

My only relief is I don't feel emotional overwhelm, but I feel like nothing, all to protect my mental health.

 

[UnwantedWhale]

I feel so worthless right now. I don't know what I really want in life. I keep coming back here hoping that one day I'd be dare enough to do it. No one believes me. Everyone thinks I'm fine. I just feel so unlovable and lonely.
I'm trying to find love again and again, only just to realize that I am the problem most of the time. I'm so easily obsessed with someone it's draining. I'm a very selfish and bad person. I'm also stressing out from my studies, I can't focus on anything. I tried my best, but I don't even think I'm truly trying.
I blame myself for everything, and it is true that it is my fault. I'm so tired.

 

[QueerMelancholy]

I think this is why I eventually decided not to leave physical expressions of myself in the joyous occasions of other people. I don't want people looking back at a picture of a time in their life and experiencing their memory of it with the idea of me not being there anymore. I mean they can imagine what it was like when I was there with them and the joy we shared but it feels like even the memories don't ever live up to the actual experience we shared on that day before someone took that picture. And the idea of haunting people with my absence is such a gross feeling. Because I know I can't control how anyone reacts to my absence all I can do is try and be the person they think I am or the person who was that same person in the past but God it's so hard even trying to remember who I was when I was smiling when someone said cheese. So seeing those pictures haunts me even more. I feel like they'd be better off with a gift they can hold onto than a memory they question themselves over. Like so many people get stuck in the first stages of grief with the question that they never did enough or they ignored so many of the signs but these people who were there in that moment were probably the best people because I felt so genuinely comfortable with them that I allowed them to document it. People's lives move at such different speeds too. But I guess this is why it's more important to live in that moment you have with people like it's absolutely possible that it will be the last moment you spend with them especially when these people are the ones you cherish more than anyone else. Like we deal with the grief of our own death before anyone else does when it comes to the point in our lives when we do CTB. It's strange to think the people who love us or claim to know us more than anyone else tend to think we haven't been grieving our own death before they even realize we're finally gone. I have been struggling with this for a long time.