Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[moshimoshi]

Feeling like shit. I need to just die already but I'm too scared of death

 

[damienlerone03]

just had a sleep paralysis nightmare last night and now im afraid to sleep im so scared i haven't felt this scared in such a long time im so scared im so scared im so scared. Each time i tried to wake up, I end up waking in another sleep paralysis nightmare, i shout and shout but no sound comes out, i sleep with the door closed and i heard something big stomping up to my door, and then it opened, and then I wake up.

 

[moshimoshi]

I please just kill me

 

[lollblanca]

fucking depressed

 

[everythingoes]

I miss my friend.

 

[cetacea]

Sad. Im sad because I feel stupid and useless.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I saw my therapist today and for the first time it felt like it might help. The really shitty part is that I'm half way through the 12 sessions I've been allotted and everyone knows that that won't be enough, but there's nothing anyone can do, or there is, but the system won't allow it. I almost don't want to open up any more because I'll have to just shut myself back down all over again and I'll be left with nothing but a never-ending abyss. I don't know what to do.

 

[ctbcat]

i wish someone would just murder me in the most brutal way possible if it meant i could die... i would put up with agony, stab after stab after stab... i would let someone make me even more hollow than i already am, suck up the smallest amounts of light still left within my eyes... i just want to die. nothing creative within this forum. but still. oh, i want to die

i am my own problem. i am my own damage. i am each thing i hate. i am horrible, and nobody fully knows it.

i want to be kissed as the blood spills from my lips. i want to be something

 

[NullSz00]

In a lot of physical pain

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I got referred to as "cocaine-skinny" even though I'm actually around the lower end of the healthy weight range for my height right now. For some reason I feel very motivated to actually become "cocaine-skinny" now. I hate cocaine though.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Super nauseated but better as of typing this.

Spoiler: Slightly NSFW

My workplace has a unisex bathroom and I'm a neat freak and bring stuff to clean the toilet bowl every time I'm about to use it. Most of the time it's nothing, and sometimes a bit of urine. But I found myself cleaning what I assume to be men's semen as it was a slimy white substance splattered on part of the seat. I nearly threw up in the bowl I was cleaning.

This bathroom is for employees only. Someone I work with has caressed the weasel and nutted in the toilet presumably on shift.

Oh my God.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

After getting home from work, I had a flashback to last year when I was released from the hospital after getting IV fluids and electrolytes. I was already doing very poorly with my eating disorder and at a dangerously low weight, and I had food poisoning so I had to go to the hospital. My partner at the time thought I was being too dramatic and refused to bring me to the hospital, so I went by myself. I called them to pick me up, after hours of being hooked up to an IV. They refused to pick me up, telling me that they were too busy eating dinner and playing video games. I completely lost it and started screaming on the phone just outside the hospital. A security guard came out and told me to keep the noise level down. There were 2 paramedics who saw me screaming on the phone and came over to see what was going on. I completely broke down and told them that I was being abused at home. They pointed me toward some resources I could consider accessing, but at the end of the day there wasn't much they could have done to help.

The flashbacks don't stop even though I left my ex in September 2023.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

If I'm pulling an all-nighter drinking and doing coke even though I have to be at my FT job in the morning tomorrow, do I have a problem? Don't answer that btw because I'm not going to like the answer. Fuuuuuuck my life, every time my eating disorder is not as bad, my substance abuse gets so much worse and im just fucking my life up right now.


I can't wait to move to a low cost of living area, go back to school, and just be a normal person for a while. I can't stand it anymore in the city where J live.

 

[BlendedHeart]

It sucks that the first thing I think when I wake up its how I hate life. How I wish I didn't wake up. How I don't want to feel anything anymore.

It's the signal of a very long, tiring day. Another one before I figure out how I finally leave all this horrible existence behind. Hope it can be soon.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Weary….but I haven't done anything.
It's morning. I went to bed at 9.30pm. So why am I weary? Feel like I've nothing to say worth listening to. I will pretend I've been to the gym later when the man I live with gets home. That way it looks better. Otherwise it will be "why haven't you cleaned, cooked…." He may say it, he may instead clang around giving me dirty looks. I no longer have sex with him so what is the 'point' of me anymore. Probably childcare….

The day I can live alone in the most minimal of minimal places that requires as little money and upkeep as possible, the better. Perhaps if I sell this place one day when my son is grown, I can halve it and buy a tiny studio flat, and pay for a cleaner with the rest. No-one to prod me to do anything at all.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

Got home, showered, changed into my work clothes, and I'm taking the train to get to work today because I'm still drunk and high af. Now it's time to pray that my boss won't notice. Lord help me, because I swear to god I'm gonna end up hurting myself on the job

 

[PinballWizard39]

There's so much going on in my life and my mind at the moment. I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm on holiday from work yet I have seen no-one and have barely been out.
It's the first anniversary of my Mum's death on Saturday and I refuse to join the rest of my family in planting a tree. She wasn't a Mum to me, however, that doesn't mean I don't grieve the fact that I never had the mother I deserved. I replay the day she died frequently in my mind, it was incredibly traumatic.

I'm wondering if I should wait til the end of my therapy to ctb or whether I'm just putting off the inevitable. I keep getting letters and such from the mental health team and they are completely inaccurate and then I end up feeling even more misunderstood. I found out yesterday that my care co-ordinator is back this week from being on holiday for the last 4 weeks but next week she's off for another 2 weeks. By the time she gets back, I'll have gone nearly 2 months without support. (Therapy is different support - you talk about past stuff, I need someone to talk to about everyday stuff - though saying that, I'm shutting off more and more to them).
I feel really alone in my head.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Want death. Can't die. Here to suffer. I want to hold hands with a woman and hold her and tell her it'll all be alright because I'm here. But that's just a false dream. I'm craving death, but I won't exist if it is sastified. Such is the agony of perceiving, a double edged sword presented as a gift we can't take back.

 

[tychai]

Needy, rejected, scared and heartbroken. Like I want to be emotionally independent but need someone badly for support and it leaves me all kinds of conflicted.

 

[Ambivalent1]

Pain beyond all comprehension. Pain that would crush planets with its weight. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Nervous. I wonder if I should rescind my decision to quit my job? I mean who ever heard of getting this mentally twisted up and neurotically anxious at a grownup job for adults over a single crush? Most people at my job seem to already know about my situation too which makes going there even more awkward. I'm trying so hard to get over her but I'm afraid the only way I could ever do that is if I actually go talk to her and hear straight from her that she does not feel the same about me. I'm so afraid of how I'd react to that but it's what I need to hear if I want to move ahead in life or even in death. I can't concentrate on anything especially not CTB if her presence is constantly in my mind, reminding me of how much of a failure I am. Of how I will continue my 30 year streak of being alone and loveless. No woman would ever be stupid or crazy enough to want to be with someone like me no matter how attractive I became.

Thirty years is too old to have zero dating experience. I am so fucking sick of people telling me it isn't. I'm so tired of all the condescension. The empty platitudes. The moronically dismissive phrases "you'll find someone who doesn't care about that". "30 isn't that old bro" "you have to like yourself first" like come on. It's all inane justifications for not killing myself. I should be dead before I make my inner turmoil into other people's problems. Even if some girl was insane enough to like me, she's in for a rude awakening because of just how much emotional trauma and baggage I'd have to dump on her. Decades of trash have built up and the floodgates are ready to burst. Every single second that I am conscious and not in the arms of a woman I love and getting to experience that intimacy is another load of sewage thrown onto the pile.

It's the desperation that really drives me mad. I know that this same desperation also contributes to keeping me alone. It also adds to my anxiety that I am going to hurt the unlucky lass that could decide I'm worth the trouble. Well bad news ma'am, I'm not.

Oh yeah, my job. I wish I could just tell her all this. I wish I could tell my crush all of this horrible stuff about me so that she feels better about her choice to not want me. I don't want her feeling the slightest bit guilty whether I leave or not. I suspect that could be one reason why she has thrown me a couple of bones and fake hints, because she simply pitied me and felt bad. I wish I could make her feel happy even if I can't do it the conventional way. I wish I could remove all traces of myself from her life so that the negative impact I leave will be erased. Some people have told me that this person, by being the target of my interest, she's incredibly lucky and is foolish for passing up such a good opportunity that being with me would somehow present. I completely disagree. She's only lucky that she doesn't feel the same way and that she doesn't have any obligation towards someone as awful as me. She's still unlucky that I like her in the first place.

Everyone I've ever been in love or limerent towards is unlucky for that reason even the one who briefly held interest in me first. That was the former SS member. I wonder where she is too? I hope she's happy. Ugh. Listen to me. Here I am groveling for a morsel of attention from my current crush and yet I still cannot fully let go of the previous person who had my heart. It's like she still has it and is unable to return it. I guess the return policy is pretty strict.

I dunno. As I said I really should quit for my mental health though it's perfectly possible that without closure, which I have no entitlement to, I probably will still mentally suffer just to a lesser degree plus I'd feel my wallet draining from all the coping mechanisms I've had to spend on. Perhaps I should stay for the health benefits but then my mental health will be torn to shreds but it probably still would no matter what plus I would look like even more of a weak coward for going back on my decision to leave ugh I hate it. I hate having to think about this especially with brain fog. It's like I have no idea what's the better solution but even if I knew would I take it? I don't know!

 

[spring vainglory]

stupid shitty sugar daddy how tf am i supposed to find one at this rate??? im goibg to see my bf now but my mood is totally ruined from getting stood up yesterday!! what am i supposed to do?? if i hate getting my hopes up so much that it sends me on a spiral when im let down. idk how im supposed to get MONEY i need MONEY this sugar dating shit is so STUPID

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

I wish I could start all over again somewhere far away, be someone else. Maybe I'd be able to have a decent life, a life worth living. Or I would fuck it all up, just like I did in this life. So many mistakes and missed opportunities.

I know there's no going back or starting over, so I just want it all to end. I keep telling myself that this is my last summer and I should try to enjoy it, but I'm finding it very difficult.

 

[innominesatanas44]

Ive decided not to date and to "waste" my 20s. I don't want to live in a world where I could entertain the possibility of being found attractive by another human being.

 

[HowlerFlamingpaws]

I hate my relationship with my partner. Ever since we had to move two years ago, they've talked about nothing but their ex. They dream about their ex. They've spent every day crying over their ex. I feel like they love their ex more than they love me. They've cried about their ex on their own birthday, on my birthday, on Christmas, on Valentine's Day, on our anniversary. Their whole personality has become about their trauma. And I feel like I'm stuck in this relationship because I'm financially dependent. If I left them, I'd have nowhere to go. I have no family and no friends. I'm isolated. Captive. Trapped. That's why I want to die. To get out and find some form of freedom. I don't have the resources to make it on my own. Honestly, the one solace is that I'm ace and they haven't been pushy about sex.

I feel so worthless. Despite everything, I do love my partner. I just hate our dynamic, but I don't see it changing. And honestly, their ex was better to them then I ever can be. And the worst part is that their ex wasn't even actually dating them. It was a situationship, but it means so much to them that I'm just here to fill space. I'm constantly reminded that I'll never be as good as the ex, never know my partner as well as the ex did, never be was caring as the ex was. No matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough. Why bother living when the only person in my life constantly tells me how much their ex cared for them?

 

[crystal_meth97]

I feel grateful and proud of myself for having overcome intense anxiety and a potential panic attack this morning. I also feel motivated and content.

 

[HereTomorrow]

Struggling. I want to live but I equally just want to impulsively go out.
I know I'll regret it, even though I'll percieve it not.

I'm heard here, why am I only heard and understood on a suicide forum? Why is it that this is the only place I can feel safe in?

There is something very wrong about that, but I'm very glad this forum exists. I'll be here for another day.

 

[PinballWizard39]

My life feels so pointless and pathetic. I know a lot of people on here would be jealous of the fact I live alone, with no-one to interrupt me - perfect for CTB. It's actually pathetic.

I've been on holiday from work since Tuesday, back again this coming Tuesday, but in that time, I have barely gone out or seen a soul. My head feels like it's imploding, like the darkness is rendering me unable to move. I want to hurt myself badly, if I can't CTB right now. I need something. Self harm = damage control. But I realise how pathetic that sounds in and of itself. I am pretty much going through the motions, day by day, and for what? Another day just like this?

At work, no one has a clue how bad things are. I'm good at putting a face on. Too good. It leaves me utterly exhausted by the time I get home. I have study to do in order to get my registration, but at the same time I can't concentrate for shit. Anyway, what's the point in studying if I don't plan on being here? Keeping my trainers oblivious to my situation? Make everything look 'normal'. My work *bestie* is cottoning on though. Says I'm 'more quiet than usual, which takes a lot of doing seeing as you're quiet at the best of times'. It's ok though, I think I could probably get away with saying a fair amount and he still wouldn't realise the extent of where I'm at. It's not his fault. It's my depression's fault because it never buggers off and everyone is used to it to one degree or another.

 

[daee]

very bored as if nothing today would cheer me up

 

[Ker]

I'm as devastated as possible, I went to university and I don't think it's what I want in life, but I'm scared to leave