Random thoughts

[woxihuanni]

The most ridiculous things trigger me. My Dog got in a fight and then my support worker cancelled. Life is slow and difficult. Everyday I die a bit more. Will be ctb soon I think. Hugs to you

Nah, not ridiculous, that's how triggers are. On Monday a fucking stupid Netflix series put me in a very bad place, for instance. I hope you can ride it out and stay with us a while longer, though...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Feeling very ill. I think my illness is claiming me. Night comes...

 

[throwaway123]

I know I shouldn't be sad about how people don't like me but I still am. I still care because deep down I wish I was accepted,shown respect,love and affection.

 

[Woodnote]

I know I shouldn't be sad about how people don't like me but I still am. I still care because deep down I wish I was accepted,shown respect,love and affection.

I've been having those thoughts all day today.. It hurts.

 

[Life sucks]

I don't know why I'm still alive

 

[RecycledAtoms]

I thought this thread could be interesting. Sometimes one might have a topic they want to talk about or just vent, but they might think it is not worth making a thread about it.

For example, I will start.

Earlier when I was taking a shower, I remembered something I had long forgotten and it made me realize I might have been wishing for death for longer than I thought. It was of my belief that I started wishing to die around my 15 years old mark or so, but even before that, I now remember fantasizing in my head about dying to protect/save someone. The someone in question would change, but they were usually my yearly school crush (I pretty much had a different crush every year when I was a kid). It is weird, isn't it? Even as a 10 years old or so kid, death was already a common thought for me. I wonder why...

—

Anything goes, but keep it civil and no prejudice/hatred here, please. If the thread isn't interesting, just let it fade away — Eventually it will be buried by other new threads.

I know what you mean. Even as a little child I was obsessed with suicide. If I saw it in a movie, I would watch that movie over and over just to see that scene. I couldn't exactly "rewind" to that spot because then my family would have known. So I'd just act like I loved the movie when in fact it was that one scene I was obsessed with.

 

[throwaway123]

I don't think I'll ever be able to cope on my own. I remember when I used to have that drive. The yearning for more. That has been dead for a while and it's just a matter of time before my body dies.
Lots of people think a person dies when they CTB but the truth is we died on the inside a long time ago and that is what truly matters. That just shows how superficial people are. They only care about what they can see. Everyone has turned into a machines. The joke is on them. These zombie movies are not about a zombie apocalypse. It's about modern society and how they've succumbed to our most basic instincts. Just take a look around the next time you go outside. People go by our daily lives, living in a bubble,not noticing or caring what happens to other people or the world. People pretend to care and ironically the people that love the zombie movies the most are the ones that you'd call a zombie.

 

[Lefty]

Thank you, music

 

[blanketyblk]

Today ismy birthday and it's also the day my mum died on last year, it was also my planned CTB day. i've managed to survive this day. i'm working on recovery. but today i'm very sad. but i'm still kicking.

For a present. i brought myself a clarinet. even thought i can't play wind instruments. i'm going to try and learn it
i also drove to the beach and poured my mum, dad and katies ashed into the pacific ocean. I told them all. i love them and i will always miss them. but i have to try and move on. i need to live for myself now.

 

[woxihuanni]

Im thinking of a date now. I will curse them with my last breath.

 

[Circles]

I'm trying to fall asleep but can't. I've been trying to sleep with the lights out again and now I'm wondering why I am scared of the dark. It's just so enveloping like something primal kicks in to gear as soon as I settle myself in the darkness. It's like I can't help but feel it's a reflection of what I feel inside but don't know how to feel about that at this moment cause I'm tired. In any case, goodnight y'all.

 

[BPD_LE]

Every time I see my GP I come out on a high. In general the NHS is shit but I'm so lucky to have my doctor. She's so kind and genuine. Every 3 weeks she gives me a pep talk about how she believes in me, that I really can improve my life and how much I'm worth. People can scoff that it's her job to say that but they don't know her. It gives me confidence and drive for a day or two. Then I tend to go down hill again. I need to shrink her and keep her in my pocket. Get her out when I'm doubting myself. I'd feed her well and even buy an awesome dolls house for her to live in. She could decorate it however she wants.

 

[Lefty]

If you're a manager, you should make sure you're not making any mistakes, or keeping them to a bare minimum. Retail is the worse!

 

[Circles]

I often wonder if the world didn't have as much pain and suffering, would it still feel just as pointless? Hell if depression didn't exist would I even think like that? I hate thinking of what if's like this.

 

[Life sucks]

Sometimes delicious food can help me against depression and problems. Worked like a med

 

[ReverendGreen]

I applied and got accepted to a community college this week. Also applied for federal aid which should cover most of the cost. There's a manic hope building inside of me right now, the same type of feeling you got when you were younger and completely believed that things had to get better as you grew up. I'm probably going to fall into the same old habits and fail everything again but at least I won't be wasting a ton of money doing it this time.

All I know is that I never want to fucking work in customer service again. Any job is better than this hellhole.

 

[kkatt]

Haha, I guess so!!

Thanks for solving this one

Clowns were once about fun and childhood innocence
That's all very different now

 

[throwaway123]

dammit I regret not doing it four years ago when I still had the chance. It was really dumb of me to wait. I still haven't done it and I don't know if I'll ever be ready. Maybe it's not even about that, maybe it's all just about doing it and not overthinking it.

 

[Lefty]

I'm not sure how my seasonal job is gonna go. I'm already running into a few issues.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

How a normal brain signals for a pillow: mild to severe neck pains that can clearly by solved by putting an object under the head to hold it at a lower angle.

How this brain signals for a pillow: threats of seizures, weird rushes of adrenaline, fucking around with core temperature, making the neck dryer than an Arctic tundra and turning the dick on and off, all while thinking about this odd cougar I bumped into yesterday who was taking a weird approach on "hitting on people".

 

[BPD_LE]

I managed to put off drinking by a whole hour so I'm celebrating! Cheers.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I managed to put off drinking by a whole hour so I'm celebrating! Cheers.

I'll drink to that

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I have two things simultaneously.
I spent half a year just waiting for the day after tomorrow, and now that it's actually near, I'm scared all of the sudden.
No matter what happens, this fucking brain is unhappy.

The second thing is a bit more... I don't know... social?
Let's for a moment imagine everything works out and I'm not that into CTB anymore. I've suddenly learned to play the guitar The Matrix-style - had everything downloaded into my head, my fingers and hands get... I don't know... broken and healed to the point they easily catch any chord...
Suddenly I'm happy-ish, and suddenly shit starts heading the way I want it to for a change.
Would I be allowed here?
On the one hand, yeah, I have the account, I'm not being a dick, or at least not enough for anybody to approach me about it...
On the other hand, I'm no longer that much into the idea of CTB, assuming that's how shit unfolds. I worry that if I suddenly become free, I'd be "too free" for this place. Thinking about leaving this forum feels... weird now... Suddenly, massive changes from like all fronts at the same time.

Change is scary.

 

[Jumper04]

I am just delaying the inevitable.

 

[azucaramargo]

Nah, not ridiculous, that's how triggers are. On Monday a fucking stupid Netflix series put me in a very bad place, for instance. I hope you can ride it out and stay with us a while longer, though...

Which Netflix series, pray tell?

Life is slow and difficult.

Deffo

Everyday I die a bit more

Life is slow and difficult.

Deffo

I applied and got accepted to a community college this week. Also applied for federal aid which should cover most of the cost. There's a manic hope building inside of me right now, the same type of feeling you got when you were younger and completely believed that things had to get better as you grew up. I'm probably going to fall into the same old habits and fail everything again but at least I won't be wasting a ton of money doing it this time.

All I know is that I never want to fucking work in customer service again. Any job is better than this hellhole.

Congratulations, ReverendGreen! That's wonderful news!

 

[woxihuanni]

Which Netflix series, pray tell?

End of the fucking world

 

[throwaway123]

It's amazing what effect looks have on people. Have you guys noticed how good-looking people are most of the time treated better? How people with darker skin colors are treated worse and so on....people and the society we live in a extremely superficial.

 

[MourningHeart]

Life has its highs and lows, it is not only black and white but also gray. Life can be so beautiful on so many types. It can be most painful in the same ways.

But if you are like me - then there is a very special thing, only One that is the highest, most important thing ever to you. That One to which you connect everything else. One that keeps your willpower up no matter what, whether good or bad. And once you have this One, very special thing, then you will accept everything else in life, just as it is. No more or less.

But if you lose this One thing, then everything else will inevitable fall with it. And when you see how it falls, that you thought it could never fall, then you will forever have lost a piece of yourself that is being torn into the depths forever - buried under neverending, pitch black darkness.

 

[Teramyth]

As my final ending looms over the horizon, I feel at peace. No more uncertainties, no more what-ifs. As I gaze into the abyss, I can feel it welcoming me in it's cold embrace.

 

[azucaramargo]

It's amazing what effect looks have on people. Have you guys noticed how good-looking people are most of the time treated better? How people with darker skin colors are treated worse and so on....people and the society we live in a extremely superficial.

Yes, attractive people get better treatment. I hate that shit. From what I've observed, hotness transcends race or skin color. I can't say I've been aware of different levels of treatment according to skin color, but from what I've seen, people whose appearances jibe with Western standards of beauty, well, they get more attention than others, I've seen that. Yes, I am very annoyed at the amount of power attractiveness confers on a person.