BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
-
Hey Guest,
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Survival Instinct (I guess?) finally kicking
Perhaps due to being sleep deprived, dehydrated and not eating properly (yeah very smart of me)
Sobbing over my parents' pain
I was due to start tomorrow (a long week of taking antiacids and anti-diarrhea medication), because the idea of Christmas terrifies me.
Not sure what to tell myself to calm down. I don't want to be told I don't really want to CTB.. I wish it was still the summer. I hope it's a momentary mood swing. Sadly my life is so empty and bereft, and I'm so isolated.
Perhaps due to being sleep deprived, dehydrated and not eating properly (yeah very smart of me)
Sobbing over my parents' pain
I was due to start tomorrow (a long week of taking antiacids and anti-diarrhea medication), because the idea of Christmas terrifies me.
Not sure what to tell myself to calm down. I don't want to be told I don't really want to CTB.. I wish it was still the summer. I hope it's a momentary mood swing. Sadly my life is so empty and bereft, and I'm so isolated.
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Sad_Autistic_boy_101
When I die, you'll love me.
- Nov 19, 2019
- 449
Had enough of everything, I was walking on the curb of the road and imagining it was the edge of a bridge
I wish I could ctb outside his house...he needs to see what he drove me to. Maybe when he pokes my blue lifeless body he will care. I just don't get it what did I ever do to deserve being treated like pure shit. No one deserves abuse and to be cheated on. He promised me the world and marriage. He doesn't care our child died. I see so many people with loving supportive partners and that's all I ever wanted...
notjustyetagain
- Oct 28, 2019
- 169
there's no way out, i've painted myself into a corner completely. people are suffering because i'm alive; they're going to suffer more when i CTB. no part of my existence is okay or fair on anyone else. at the same time, i never wanted this -- any of it -- and the one way i can minimise suffering is to end my own. it's too late to prevent other people from being hurt by my life, or death.
my parents have seen me struggling for 25 years, the majority of my life. that's enough, isn't it? they're reasonable people, they must understand? i don't think my little brother will ever forgive me, but at some point i have to admit defeat. anyway, i'm long past being able to help him, or anyone else, effectively. or is that just wishful thinking on my part? maybe i can help everyone, even myself, but i'm just too weak/lazy/stupid to do so.
CTB is making more and more sense, but i'm still waiting on my SN. i'm worried that when it arrives i'll be lulled back into complacency, able to while away the days with zero effort. fear disguised as apathy a thousand times removed. again, am i just lying to myself? can i even do anything else? i no longer understand myself. whether it's CTB, or delusional wellbeing, or anything... i'd love to have faith in something. this needs to stop. waiting for my SN ticket is too hard. but what else can i do? blah. tired.
my parents have seen me struggling for 25 years, the majority of my life. that's enough, isn't it? they're reasonable people, they must understand? i don't think my little brother will ever forgive me, but at some point i have to admit defeat. anyway, i'm long past being able to help him, or anyone else, effectively. or is that just wishful thinking on my part? maybe i can help everyone, even myself, but i'm just too weak/lazy/stupid to do so.
CTB is making more and more sense, but i'm still waiting on my SN. i'm worried that when it arrives i'll be lulled back into complacency, able to while away the days with zero effort. fear disguised as apathy a thousand times removed. again, am i just lying to myself? can i even do anything else? i no longer understand myself. whether it's CTB, or delusional wellbeing, or anything... i'd love to have faith in something. this needs to stop. waiting for my SN ticket is too hard. but what else can i do? blah. tired.
Temporarilyabsurd
NOISE:signal
- Apr 27, 2018
- 438
Way way back then .
I gave up before I had even started .
That's a bitter pill .
But that giving up , maybe was a protest .
Sure.
Against myself to myself and myself said 'sure' ...
I think I was expecting someone to give a damn.
I was expecting something I had never felt ?
I was expecting myself to care ?
But that God inside was overseeing a life plan of demolition .
Seeing to it that the foundations would not be built.
That the void , the intricate destruction was erected .
My master inside , so cold and callous , the facsimile of the Ultimate Judge
Grown and nurtured inside said :
"Let all be asunder , rendered down to dust ... there is nothing here of value , nor can there ever be ."
Life itself is broken and buckled and only of the forsaken .
The truth is bitter and dark and dead - and you know it .
You feel it .
Remember the lonely days and nights of enemies .
The land of giants and swarms of trolls.
The persecution scraping and wearing moment after moment .
Nowhere to run .
Nowhere to deserve to run .
Refuge unsought finally because undeserved.
Run into the arms of new torments .
Find some new prison .
Freedom is a word , as foreign as joy.
I gave up before I had even started .
That's a bitter pill .
But that giving up , maybe was a protest .
Sure.
Against myself to myself and myself said 'sure' ...
I think I was expecting someone to give a damn.
I was expecting something I had never felt ?
I was expecting myself to care ?
But that God inside was overseeing a life plan of demolition .
Seeing to it that the foundations would not be built.
That the void , the intricate destruction was erected .
My master inside , so cold and callous , the facsimile of the Ultimate Judge
Grown and nurtured inside said :
"Let all be asunder , rendered down to dust ... there is nothing here of value , nor can there ever be ."
Life itself is broken and buckled and only of the forsaken .
The truth is bitter and dark and dead - and you know it .
You feel it .
Remember the lonely days and nights of enemies .
The land of giants and swarms of trolls.
The persecution scraping and wearing moment after moment .
Nowhere to run .
Nowhere to deserve to run .
Refuge unsought finally because undeserved.
Run into the arms of new torments .
Find some new prison .
Freedom is a word , as foreign as joy.
throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
I don't want to deal with this shit anymore. The amount of health problems I have is overwhelming. What would I give for a healthy body....
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sadgirl2002
Fallen Angel
- Apr 9, 2019
- 452
At this point life is just fucking with me. This is like a sick joke. Life is just laughing at me. I mean I truly didn't think it could get any worse. I want to drive by his house to see if he is there. I want to know if he is lying and if he is really telling the truth. I have been turned into a mad woman. That's what love does it turns someone insane when they are denied it. He used to tell me I'm beautiful. I feel like defacing myself and chopping off my hair. When I die certainly my ghost will haunt him.
Detour
Detour Ahead
- Oct 25, 2019
- 60
Hmmm my mom has depression and said she had ctb thoughts years ago. When I feel super depressed it's like I get it, I'd be devastated to see my mom go but I understand and wouldn't be mad at her . Would she feel the same way if I ctb?
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Circles
There's a difference between existing and living.
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,276
Sooner or later everyone will drift away, everyone will forget about you as if you never existed at all.
thatguyakira123
Experienced
- Apr 10, 2018
- 217
I honestly hate being alive. It's getting really hard to control myself these days.
You die twice. First is when you actually die and then it's when the last person who remembers you die.
You die twice. First is when you actually die and then it's when the last person who remembers you die.
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Had my boiler serviced today. And no that's not a euphemism. Was nice to have some human contact.
BPD_LE
The Queen of Meme
- Aug 11, 2019
- 1,576
What if the tooth fairy really exists? I need my teeth. Back off bitch, I have a baseball bat by my bed (true story)
noctiva
the invisible girl
- Nov 6, 2019
- 393
TheNorthernSilence
Arcanist
- Nov 13, 2018
- 430
Hate myself so much. I'm beginning to lose the ability to communicate/talk properly irl because of the shame and isolation.
TearyEyedQueen
In the wrong timeline
- Nov 14, 2019
- 366
I can't take it anymore I'm sick of tears and haunting memories God please take me away already!
I hate interacting and talking with those toxic people irl. So much ego and stupid shit while trying to make others inferior.
SinisterKid
Visionary
- Jun 1, 2019
- 2,113
I'm going where the water tastes like wine
We can jump in the water, stay drunk all the time
If only, if only. I am tired of this reality and just want some good old fashioned escapism.
We can jump in the water, stay drunk all the time
If only, if only. I am tired of this reality and just want some good old fashioned escapism.
ReverendGreen
Sleepy
- Jun 27, 2019
- 123
Studio Ghibli films are amazing.
Saw Kiki's Delivery Service for the first time today and was surprised at how emotional I got. I didn't know that movies could still make me feel that way.
Saw Kiki's Delivery Service for the first time today and was surprised at how emotional I got. I didn't know that movies could still make me feel that way.
Whenever I see the word suicide, or see it in movies, games or anywhere, it resonates with me. Many people don't really understand what it feels
I really hate Thanksgiving. I've never been a fan of this day. I also hate how retail stores take advantage of it and make people go shopping with their "deals". I am also worried and not feeling super well.
ReverendGreen
Sleepy
- Jun 27, 2019
- 123
I hate how ugly I feel and I hate how I can't stop focusing on it all the time.
I feel you I am so scared to contact my mom after last time I saw her and she was so ... traumatizing. I know she is also traumatized and me not contacting her traumatizes her more but I am just not capable of civilized conversation with her and I do not want to tell her how I really feel about her. Because I do not want to traumatize her back but I am screwed either way, so is she she just does not probably know it.
Taki
Specialist
- Jul 30, 2019
- 319
throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
I keep thinking there is some way out, some path I can take even if it's just a small door but I know it has to end. I can't accept it. I don't know how. How could anyone? I wish I could fight back but I'm tired of it and there isn't any reason for me to stick around, not like there ever was.
Circles
There's a difference between existing and living.
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,276
Warning: long rant, just my pointless opinion.
G**damn I've had it with Reddit, I can't relate to most of the posts and I keep wondering who the fuck upvotes most of that trivial shit. Like fucking damn are normal people really that bland and sheepish? I can't even understand most of the popular subreddits like r/memes or hell even r/dankmemes anymore as they are saturated with unfunny and unrelatable senseless hogwash now. I digress that memes are one of the few reasons I even bother with Reddit in the first place. So many Star Wars posts that it makes me never want to watch or associate with a SW movie ever again. r/aww and a lot of subreddits similar are bombarded with fucking human baby pictures their parents too blinded by their attention seeking behavior from realizing their kids are probably going to live in an even more shitty overpopulated competitive world and a lot ppl think it's just fucking cute without ever thinking of those kids futures and the world their parents are bringing them into. Any political subreddit is just absolute cancer I avoid at all costs and are filled to the brim of people who are actually willing to waste their time to argue in pointless echo chambers over the most trivial bullshit. Almost every news subreddit now either talks about Hong Kong, Trump, or any other sensationalism topic with clickbait titles filled with echo chambers that's being shoved in your face to the point where it's annoying as fuck atleast IMO. r/Upliftingnews lol none of that hogwash is even close to uplifting it's depressing. r/Worldnews, r/worldpolitics and subs similar doesn't even talk about the world at large and only focuses either on countries in North America mostly the US, or Western Europe. And before someone says it, yes I know most of the people who use Reddit are from those regions but whatever. And so many annoying subreddits of screenshots of comments from different sites such as r/insanepeoplefacebook, r/cursedcomments, r/suicidebywords, r/BrandNewSentence, etc. Like wtf people get a bit crazy emotional over fucking words????? r/Unpopularopinion is all POPULAR opinions like wtf and gets gilded like no other. I also don't see how r/PewdiepieSubmissons is always upvoted I consider it all spam at this point. r/pics is literally Facebook incarnate with people who crave to showcase their own attention seeking behavior. Any subreddit like r/funny just blatantly isn't fucking funny atleast with me but I guess I have no sense of obnoxious humor either. Subreddits about tv shows or movies such as r/DunderMifflin about The Office for example is another trope I cannot fathom for the life of me that people constantly upvote, it's not even that funny. And don't get me started on the constant reposts by karma whores or even the power hungry mods that block sensitive topics such as pro-choice suicide for example.
And before anyone bashes my opinions, yes I try to ignore most of those subreddits and I try to keep to the niche subreddits I can relate to but even then the cesspool invades and saturates the smaller subreddits and it's not enough to get away from the petty bullshit. Now after typing all this I feel even more pathetic I've wasted my time talking about this trivial nonsense.
G**damn I've had it with Reddit, I can't relate to most of the posts and I keep wondering who the fuck upvotes most of that trivial shit. Like fucking damn are normal people really that bland and sheepish? I can't even understand most of the popular subreddits like r/memes or hell even r/dankmemes anymore as they are saturated with unfunny and unrelatable senseless hogwash now. I digress that memes are one of the few reasons I even bother with Reddit in the first place. So many Star Wars posts that it makes me never want to watch or associate with a SW movie ever again. r/aww and a lot of subreddits similar are bombarded with fucking human baby pictures their parents too blinded by their attention seeking behavior from realizing their kids are probably going to live in an even more shitty overpopulated competitive world and a lot ppl think it's just fucking cute without ever thinking of those kids futures and the world their parents are bringing them into. Any political subreddit is just absolute cancer I avoid at all costs and are filled to the brim of people who are actually willing to waste their time to argue in pointless echo chambers over the most trivial bullshit. Almost every news subreddit now either talks about Hong Kong, Trump, or any other sensationalism topic with clickbait titles filled with echo chambers that's being shoved in your face to the point where it's annoying as fuck atleast IMO. r/Upliftingnews lol none of that hogwash is even close to uplifting it's depressing. r/Worldnews, r/worldpolitics and subs similar doesn't even talk about the world at large and only focuses either on countries in North America mostly the US, or Western Europe. And before someone says it, yes I know most of the people who use Reddit are from those regions but whatever. And so many annoying subreddits of screenshots of comments from different sites such as r/insanepeoplefacebook, r/cursedcomments, r/suicidebywords, r/BrandNewSentence, etc. Like wtf people get a bit crazy emotional over fucking words????? r/Unpopularopinion is all POPULAR opinions like wtf and gets gilded like no other. I also don't see how r/PewdiepieSubmissons is always upvoted I consider it all spam at this point. r/pics is literally Facebook incarnate with people who crave to showcase their own attention seeking behavior. Any subreddit like r/funny just blatantly isn't fucking funny atleast with me but I guess I have no sense of obnoxious humor either. Subreddits about tv shows or movies such as r/DunderMifflin about The Office for example is another trope I cannot fathom for the life of me that people constantly upvote, it's not even that funny. And don't get me started on the constant reposts by karma whores or even the power hungry mods that block sensitive topics such as pro-choice suicide for example.
And before anyone bashes my opinions, yes I try to ignore most of those subreddits and I try to keep to the niche subreddits I can relate to but even then the cesspool invades and saturates the smaller subreddits and it's not enough to get away from the petty bullshit. Now after typing all this I feel even more pathetic I've wasted my time talking about this trivial nonsense.
Tested Xanax. Yep 1 gr knocks me out
and,
coffee might have to do with my daily hysteria
and,
coffee might have to do with my daily hysteria
