Random thoughts

[BPD_LE]

Being Borderline makes this 10 x worse you know. I'm so fucking angry. Completely rejected and ignored. Thanks for that. So much shit it's laughable.

 

[Lefty]

I'm so tired right now.

 

[notjustyetagain]

i've completely stopped knowing what i'm doing. my life has spiralled out of control and i'm just trying to look away. i thought i was on autopilot before, but now... i'm not even here. i am not in control. all i've got is a brief window into the past -- perpetual regret, trying to catch up to the present, but it's always out of reach. things are going to get bad. i'm not going to last much longer. i can't breathe when i handle my SN. i can't sleep or eat. i'm scared.

 

[BlueWidow]

I wonder if there will be a wave of people leaving at the end of this year and beginning of next year. I worry how people on here will be affected if a large number of people leave at around the same time. I know it's the nature of this forum, but . . .

 

[BrokenHopes]

Watching the old Coca cola christmas commercial which I used to see as a child and they still show the same commercial. Im thinking back at how it was and that my life now has come to this. There is a deep despair in me over everything.

 

[BlueWidow]

Watching the old Coca cola christmas commercial which I used to see as a child and they still show the same commercial. Im thinking back at how it was and that my life now has come to this. There is a deep despair in me over everything.

I remember those commercials. I like the one with the polar bears. I also like the M&M commercial where Red and Yellow see Santa. They all point to each other and say, "Oh my God, he DOES exist ( or they DO exist)!" and they all faint.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I remember those commercials. I like the one with the polar bears. I also like the M&M commercial where Red and Yellow see Santa. They all point to each other and say, "Oh my God, he DOES exist ( or they DO exist)!" and they all faint.

Yes those commercials makes me a bit nostalgic. Don't know the one with the polar bears. The one I saw is the one with the big Coca cola truck and all the lights and a child running after it to watch. Had forgotten about the M&M one, it is funny.

 

[notjustyetagain]

i burn with the desire to share, to be heard, to matter. but when i try to say something concrete and real, nothing comes. everyone else seems perfectly "personified" in comparison. everyone else bleeds with authenticity. i want to touch someone, but i recoil when given the chance. i want to acknowledge someone, but it seems patronising. who am i to justify anyone? what benefit is there to being validated by an invalid? i want people to believe that i understand, but how dare i suggest that i do? i want to hug my loved ones and tell them that i'm sorry, but i'll never change -- so even my contrition is false! i'm an impostor with nothing to offer. not even the fact i make myself sick counts. i frantically tear away mask after mask, desperate to reach bedrock, but there's nothing there. i want to feel like a person but i haven't earnt that privilege. too scared to take a chance. CTB is just my last-ditch attempt at sincerity?

my death will signify something real? but my life hasn't. all i've ever identified with is alienation. how can i think i've earnt my right to lie down and die? i haven't even stood up to live! pathetic to the extent of being offensive. joke: trying to convince myself my shame is righteous. please, hide me.

 

[throwaway123]

still can't accept the fact that people don't like me. I wish it was just one person but there's no one in real life I can relate to. :(

 

[Lost1234]

How beautiful would it be if someone was to love you unconditionally?
Too bad some of us won't even believe even if it happened.

 

[omoidarui]

1000 likes !
yhhh also 420 posts blaze it up

 

[Life sucks]

When you clear a room or something, it gets dirty again and you'll clean again in an endless loop. Same as life and struggling for nothing at the end.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I wish my liver wasn't broken. I'd love to get shitfaced right now without pain for the next few days.

 

[BlueWidow]

Yes those commercials makes me a bit nostalgic. Don't know the one with the polar bears. The one I saw is the one with the big Coca cola truck and all the lights and a child running after it to watch. Had forgotten about the M&M one, it is funny.

Yes, I remember the one with the Coca-Cola truck and the child running after it as well.
I saw on some documentary somewhere that our current idea of what Santa Claus looks like actually comes from old Coca-Cola commercials and ads in magazines and newspapers. I don't know if that's true or not, but if it is it proves the power of advertising.

How beautiful would it be if someone was to love you unconditionally?
Too bad some of us won't even believe even if it happened.

This is very true. I think my husband loved me as unconditionally as one human being can love another, yet I ran away from him for 5 years because I didn't believe he was sincere. I learned the hard way from my family when I was growing up that you can't trust anyone and that people only love you when you do things for them and you are being "good enough", which I apparently hardly ever was. Even well into our marriage, I never completely trusted my husband. I was just too afraid to, even though I knew he loved me. I also realize how special and precious that kind of love is and I'm so sorry that every one of you here hasn't had that experience.
I still don't understand how I got so lucky to find a person to give me that kind of love. I tried very hard when he was alive to never take it for granted.
Of course, having that kind of love and then losing it, as I have, makes the loss even more heartbreaking.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

I'm writing letters for the people I've appreciated the most in my life and this hurts

 

[BlueWidow]

Does anyone else ever notice that there are usually more guests than members on here?

I'm always curious what is stopping them from joining.

I lurked here for around 7 months before joining and wasted my whole summer buying supplies and attempting the "night night" method. I finally gave up and joined in October and found SN. My supplies arrived just in time for the stupid holidays to start.

I sometimes wish I could just do it now and not give a shit about the fallout, but I've decided to wait for the sake of a few people who I want to have a pleasant holiday season. Once a doormat, always a doormat.
I feel like a doormat letting other people force me to wait.

 

[Lost1234]

Does anyone else ever notice that there are usually more guests than members on here?

I'm always curious what is stopping them from joining.

I lurked here for around 7 months before joining and wasted my whole summer buying supplies and attempting the "night night" method. I finally gave up and joined in October and found SN. My supplies arrived just in time for the stupid holidays to start.

I sometimes wish I could just do it now and not give a shit about the fallout, but I've decided to wait for the sake of a few people who I want to have a pleasant holiday season. Once a doormat, always a doormat.
I feel like a doormat letting other people force me to wait.

Wonder the same thing too,

 

[Nozzlehead]

I kind of wish I had cancer or some terminal illness, so I could feel like I have a good reason to ctb and people would understand.

It's probably a terrible thought though.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I can'take it anymore. Even my family hurt me. Whenever I try to talk I try to get dissmissed and yelled at. I'm quitting university because it's too much. I'm in too much mental pain and I want to bang my head against a wall. I have no one. I never had. I don't feel safe anywhere. What could I have possibly done to deserve this kind of life?

 

[ReverendGreen]

I hate hate hate work so much and I'm not even making enough to pay all my bills
Wish all this stress would go away

I kind of wish I had cancer or some terminal illness, so I could feel like I have a good reason to ctb and people would understand.

It's probably a terrible thought though.

I've felt the same way.
I think if I had some horrible disease I might have enough motivation or courage to actually go through with ctb too.

 

[noctiva]

I can'take it anymore. Even my family hurt me. Whenever I try to talk I try to get dissmissed and yelled at. I'm quitting university because it's too much. I'm in too much mental pain and I want to bang my head against a wall. I have no one. I never had. I don't feel safe anywhere. What could I have possibly done to deserve this kind of life?

This is straight from my heart, I could have written this myself. Thank you @TearyEyedQueen. I am sorry you feel this way, the pain is so excruciating, I hear you. Feel hugged.

 

[Morphinekiss]

It would be cheaper to cremate me than to keep paying for insurance and all the tests I'll have to keep having done.

 

[Life sucks]

Logic about life is brutal and humans escape the truth in order to live and avoid cognitive dissonance. The logical conclusion that happens in mind is contradictory with the biological body goals.

 

[mattwitt]

I hate every rainbow road from every Mario kart

 

[Weakling666]

I often think:

if someone were to take me away from here. Anywhere other than my home, somewhere new to live.

I might not have a ctb date.

Then I remember that no matter where I go; it follows.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Consider anything I've ever written about my family on this forum false. Yesterday it was confirmed to me that after all, they are the most responsible for my state nowadays. Funny how I sometimes got beaten for coming home with a B but they didn't give a shit when I gotseverely abused at school.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

I asked one of my friends to come over this week (I'd have helped her with the costs of the flight ticket) because I am planning to ctb this or next week (as soon as I got my SN), I'd have loved to see her after 3 years before I ctb.
Anyway she's not able to see me until January and it will be too much suffering to stay alive until then fuck

 

[BlueWidow]

I asked one of my friends to come over this week (I'd have helped her with the costs of the flight ticket) because I am planning to ctb this or next week (as soon as I got my SN), I'd have loved to see her after 3 years before I ctb.
Anyway she's not able to see me until January and it will be too much suffering to stay alive until then fuck

She will be sorry for what she missed out on. . . One last chance to see you.
I just posted on a goodbye thread and I found myself carefully considering my words so as not offend any atheists or others who don't believe in "the other side". I'm not even allowed to wish people goodbye in any way that I want to without possibly offending somebody.
I have absolutely no clue what happens after you die. Maybe something, maybe nothing. Either way, I'm fine with it. What pisses me off is, even on here, I feel like I have to worry about someone else's opinion and I can't always say what I really think.
I'm not so unsure of my own beliefs that I get offended by other people expressing beliefs that I don't agree with.

 

[OreoWellington]

Does anyone else ever notice that there are usually more guests than members on here?

I'm always curious what is stopping them from joining.

I lurked here for around 7 months before joining and wasted my whole summer buying supplies and attempting the "night night" method. I finally gave up and joined in October and found SN. My supplies arrived just in time for the stupid holidays to start.

I sometimes wish I could just do it now and not give a shit about the fallout, but I've decided to wait for the sake of a few people who I want to have a pleasant holiday season. Once a doormat, always a doormat.
I feel like a doormat letting other people force me to wait.

I am truly going to miss you. You are one of my favorite people on here.

 

[throwaway123]

I gave you my heart and my soul but you tossed them into a shredder and now you're burning whatever is left of them.