Random thoughts

[TearyEyedQueen]

Idk if I should have made a thread just for this but I think it's easier this way.
I'm going to take a break from this site until the start of the next semester.
This might be my last Christmas and I want to try to enjoy it as much as I can even though deep inside I know it's meaningless.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I'm annoyed with myself again but in a way I'm past caring.... I suppose I'm lonely and wanting a long term companion but how the hell can I find one I'm sick of waiting... I want to at least try be happy and give life one more chance ( always the same with me I've given chance after chance.... Living in some sort of dream of hope) I need to stop caring what anyone thinks... I need to listen to other sides of me and figure out what they are trying to tell me.... I just wanted to write this down.... I probably have a mood change in a minute again I'm so so so sick of the torment... F**k me I hate myself I'm a stupid b**ch I just need to let the anger out.... I'm trying this so I don't cut again.... Listen to the good and don't cut!! Probably not making much sense but this is me talking to myself... Why am I tormented!!!!

 

[Flume]

The Witcher started badly hope it gets better.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

My mum just texted me to let me know that she has transferred money to my bank account for Christmas, what she doesn't know is that I really hope to receive SN asap to ctb before 2020. My fucking heart breaks.

 

[BlueWidow]

I wonder if anyone else on here has gone back and read their own posts from the past and not recognized them? I only joined in October, but it feels like I've been here for a really long time. Occasionally, I'll be reading through a thread, forgetting that I've already posted on it, and I'll read a comment and think "Oh, that's insightful" or "I agree with that comment" and then I realized that the reason I agree with it and think it's insightful is because it was my comment!
I will have no memory of posting or making that comment at all.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I wonder if there will be a wave of people leaving at the end of this year and beginning of next year. I worry how people on here will be affected if a large number of people leave at around the same time. I know it's the nature of this forum, but . . .

I didn't think people leaving would actually affect me but whenever I I get empty when someone does, I get overwhelmed

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Fuck it, I give up life, you won...see I'm not happy I'm dying inside. Congrats life you did it again....

 

[Kaczka86]

I still can't figure out if I like drawing/art in general or I hate it. I mean I love this idea of making things by myself but the process of making it is killing me every time. It's literally love hate relationship.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

I know that my cat doesn't choose to struggle with her health but it sucks that if my SN arrives in the meantime while she's being treated to postpone ctb.
I'm otherwise the most irresponsible owner ever.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I think I'm losing it

 

[throwaway123]

why shouldn't I do it? there's no reason for me to be here anymore. I shouldn't come up with bullshit reasons to continue living like this. :(
No matter what I do it's never enough. I'm done with this bullshit. I always did the right thing and it never worked out in the end instead it came back to bite me.

 

[Edward1]

I'm beginning to feel calmer about ctb. I'm not as terrified as I once was. Obviously it comes and goes but I find myself at peace a little more.

 

[charlottewilts]

i feel like my brain and body are decaying like they do in old age. it's like my flesh knows what I'm going to do to it soon so it doesn't even bother functioning properly anymore

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Fuck Christmas.
I said I'm gonna stay off SS for a while, but I am too miserable to enjoy Christmas because everything reminds me of the joy I've felt during these days when I was young and how it's gone now.
So many years wasted doing nothing while everyone else around me had fun and I was isolated.
Fuck the cookies and the dumb little lamps and the stupid tree I've almost knocked off because it's in the way and I almost tripped on it's lowest branches.
Fuck the fake happiness my family displays for some reason while I'm rotting inside and they refuse to acknowledge their part in my fall.
I don't even know how 30+ year olds even bother with all this holiday bs and adult life in general. Props to them but I'm too scared and done with one more fucking year of this fucking bullshit.
Merry LAST fucking Christmas ever to me!

 

[Margimet]

Today I would be happy watching some movie on Netflix with some nice company. That would be enough for me today.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Suicide doesn't need to be justified, so why make suicide notes?

 

[Flume]

Emo rap is pop music for people with sucidal thoughts.

 

[Roberto]

Everyday I imagine how it would be to die. Heart attack or stroke.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

What's the point anymore? I'm literally just existing for the pure sake of being alive. I didn't ask for this life...yet I'm supposed to be grateful and act like it's a gift!?? The same boring shit day after day after day. Days run into weeks, weeks run into months, months run into years...I'm just over it. Why the fuck can't I just do it already!? So sick of this shit sitting here every night hoping I'll the have courage to die.

 

[Morphinekiss]

I'm over all this bullshit

 

[Circles]

Am I a bad son cause I told my mom I'm reaching my limit and I don't know how much longer I can take? I've quit almost everything I try, killing myself will only be the epitome of a quitters life.

 

[Flume]

Music can speak of how we feel when words aren't enough, It's a really beautiful thing that is being underappreciated.

 

[enjoy]

missing my ex terribly. the nightmares are tormenting me. i just want to hear her voice, but she's forgotten who i am. she resented me for months before finally breaking it off and i didn't even know. i'm so betrayed, heartbroken and tired. it's been months and i just can't let go. i'm incapable of loving anyone else. i'm too scared.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I just had a fight with my parents because they don't want to talk about my mental wellbeing because appearantly I'm going to "ruin their Christmas". I'd understand if they didn't tell me the exact same thing while I was still in uni crying on the phone because I wanted to leave.
Then things escalated and now I'm crying in my bed, wasting another day away.
I don't even care if I end up a quadriplegic due to jumping it's the same for me in terms of codependency as I was a victim of abuse from a young age and my trauma was never dealt with correctly because they couldn't be bothered and I was never taught how to socialize.
All I was taught was to study and I can't do it now because of the above I'm quitting college.
My final wish is to have someone talk to me and hold me during my final moments at least then I'd feel safe for one last time.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

My birthday is New Years day...im dreading it, all i want to do on that day is CTB...its all im thinking about.....i dont know how i will get through the day....i hate waking up i hate life im so f***ing angry and alone.....

Im sick of suffering im sick of everyone on this site suffering....life is bull***t!

 

[Flume]

My birthday is New Years day...im dreading it, all i want to do on that day is CTB...its all im thinking about.....i dont know how i will get through the day....i hate waking up i hate life im so f***ing angry and alone.....

Im sick of suffering im sick of everyone on this site suffering....life is bull***t!

Amen brother.

 

[NeCkDeEp]

Should I transfer some money tonight to my parents before I ctb so they can buy a flight ticket to see me?
Something in me feels guilty to let my parents pay last minute for their own flight tickets but on the other hand: they will have access to my money soon, so is there a point of transferring money to them?

I got a British bank account and my parents got a Dutch bank account so it won't appear until tomorrow morning.

 

[throwaway123]

someday I'll end this miserable existence.
I wouldn't be so fucked if it wasn't for my miserable health. I hate my body, I hate my genetics. Why did I have to be born? Why?
Just to suffer?

 

[NeCkDeEp]

I feel like ruining everyone's Christmas but on the other hand: I haven't got anyone to celebrate Christmas or New Years eve with so what's the point of holding on?
My mum texted me that she's not looking forward to spend Christmas with my grandparents, brother and sister in law here I am: misses gonna ruin your Christmas even more because I'm gonna ctb. I feel a kind of guilt towards my mum? Idk. I've also been ignoring her the whole day on WhatsApp because I don't want to spill that it's gonna be even worse from tomorrow on

 

[Mud.]

Today was a sad day :(
I sold one of my dearest possessions.

An illustrated first edition of Great Expectations by Charles Dickens.
It breaks my heart because I owned it for over 20 years and it was a gift of someone that was very dear to me.
I would have taken it with me if I could but I can't and at least I know it's in good, loving hands now.
The money is going to charity. 21.000 Euros.

Bon voyage Pip.