Random thoughts

[WOODESITY]

I really miss many members of this forum that used to come online ~1.5 years ago, right when I joined. I mean, I knew their departure was bound to happen, this being a website for suicide and all, but I thought I would be dead long before I had to see them go. Instead I failed to CTB and got locked up in a mental hospital all summer. Whoops.

It's one of my fears to get locked in hospital, I'm kind of afraid of authorities in power, they've rules and powers, it's sad that such still happens, hopefully in future things get better

 

[http-410]

What a night. First not being able to fall asleep, then waking up because of nosebleeds, being nauseous and freezing afterwards, taking forever to fall asleep again and dreaming about desperately looking for N in Mexico and in space...

 

[Shero]

Always interesting how one desperately searches for a scapegoat instead of getting to the bottom of the deep lying cause and thereby resulting effect.
Coping mechanisms are an interesting illusion.

 

[stygal]

Whenever I watch the neighbors' children I start to really envy them for their simple life filled with laughter, games and candy.
It's like they have never encountered any hardships (at least I hope so) and don't have such a negative attitude towards everything.
I actually like kids and the way they still see the world through their uncorrupt eyes.

 

[jakaranda3]

I have money but don't know what do with it. No motivation.

 

[Going Home]

They break you down more than anyone should be able to take then say she's incapable of caring for herself. This is done purposely.

Stuff a bitch will say from a safe distance if she wants her teeth.

"FREE WILLY"

Motherfuck you bitch and I'd say it to your face!

 

[262653]

Weaklings gather and start a fighting tournament. Not like fightclub but to death, with the playoff thing. 32 weaklings take participation out of which 31 get beaten, mauled, or chopped to death, and the victor recieves a loaded shotgun and a hand grenade.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Time to undress down to my underwear, put on the sexy villian playlist from youtube... And go finally deep clean the bathroom.

 

[signifying nothing]

Watching Contact again. I don't know why I identify with this film so much. I have seen it so many times before. It's not even that good. And yet, here I am...

 

[KleinerWolf]

Do you ever just kick a kitchen sink cabinet door out of anger and immediately feel bad afterwards as if it has feelings? Lol...

 

[Tbest]

These days i remembered how when i was much younger i thought i will not die by old age but for other reasons, didnt think it would be me the cause

 

[throwaway123]

Betrayal is the worst thing that can happen to someone.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I wish we lived in a world where kids/people weren't drugged for feeling normal emotions.

Where pharmaceutical companies and doctors truly cared about health and well-being.

Where trauma survivors weren't labeled as "mentally ill", where trauma wasn't medicalized.

Where humans actually cared about each other.

Where everyone had the right to die with dignity.

 

[Mr. Whippy]

i'm getting blinder and blinder everyday, my glasses look like bottles

 

[GrumpyFrog]

For the gazillions time, no. Diet, excercise, "natural remedies", "self-care routines" and cleaning my room is not going to make my depression any better. I'm not depressed because I eat too much this or not enough that, or maybe don't get enough sunlight. I'm depressed because my life blows and excercise and cleaning is not going to fix it. I'm going to proceed doing things that are "bad for me" because they don't really make much difference, except make my life a little bit easier.

 

[summers]

Sometimes, I prefer going to the laundromat instead of washing clothes in my house.

 

[KleinerWolf]

He who belongs nowhere, picks his own cult.
— kleinerWolf, 2021

 

[signifying nothing]

Said a brief 'hello' to the sun today, as it was setting.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

The past few days have actually been pretty decent for me since I got to spend some time hanging out with my friends either online or outdoors. Unfortunately that high is starting to fade now and I'm back to feeling empty and alone as usual. I'm still excited for some future games and shows but right now I just weirdly feel my soul crushing itself now that I'm officially 27 and still never had a relationship.

I'm so sick of hearing all the condescending garbage like how there's plenty of fish in the sea or that if I'm just patient things will work out. I've been patient for 27 years! Although if you consider only since I was 12, then 15 years without ever having anyone still seems like a lot, especially with the couple close calls I've had in the past 5 years alone. I'm so sick of waiting but I have no means of doing anything myself to change this situation because without that absolute guarantee that I'll have someone's love, I can't be motivated to do anything meaningful on purpose.

I've been delaying finding a job because I don't see the point when I don't have anybody I want to work for. I'm also afraid of meeting a coworker that I end up liking again because the last time that happened was when things got really bad for me. I don't know why I'm so stubborn but when it comes to anything productive I need to have this kind of person in my life first but I don't even have anyone I can be interested in right now.

And yes, I've still been scrolling multiple dating apps even though I think they're trash and I've never found anyone there either. Doing so wrecks my self esteem even more than I already have on my own so it leaves me feeling even worse.

 

[Sensei]

I've been thinking about suicide the entire day. I wish someone could help me.

 

[http-410]

It's hard to tell if my body is sick when I don't feel myself.

Sometimes it feels like I'm dying very slowly while fully conscious and it's very uncomfortable.

I still need to revise my living will.

What happened, what broke in my brain? Was it my fault? Even if, then what? The question of guilt is redundant. I cannot exist like this. It's useless to go to my GP anymore. Maybe I should just let things happen. My case is too complicated. It no longer makes sense. Let this body perish. Let this body be one with non-existence like my mind already is. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying very slowly...

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I swear to god, if copious amounts of caffeine and modafinil will continue to fail to keep me awake, I will start looking into some more interesting and less legal stimulants. Sleeping more than 4 hours a day is not happening! Not until I fall asleep forever. Idgaf what I have to do to this stupid body, I'll do it, but I'll force it into not sleeping.
Jesus I'm so damn angry. No, lady, I am not concerned I passed out. I am raging mad.

 

[signifying nothing]

I feel like I want something to die, I'm just not sure that something is me. But if it's not me, then what?

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I wish I lived in the time when doctors would prescribe Nembutal for sleep...

me: "doctor, I have very bad insomnia"
doc: "Here have some Nembutal"
me: "Thanks doc"
me: *peacefully kills herself :)

 

[summers]

Benching a new pr without a spot is a great motivator.

 

[sadgirl2002]

Then one day, wake up and she'll be home...

 

[Manaaja]

God, please give me strength to do what I must do. If to ctb is what I must do, give me strength to do it. If to message someone is what I must do, please give me strength for that. Give me strength to choose the correct option, the option that which will lead me to happiness and joy. Freedom, happiness, peace, love, justice. Those are the 5 most important things. The freedom to live in any world at any time in any body, being in any story or fate you want surrounded by anything you want. Being peaceful, having nothing to trouble you (mentally or physically). Love, being loved by the world and its inhabitants and life and luck, and loving yourself and your life and all the beings in the world and luck. Justice is justice, equality, balance, the burning desire to do anything for a righteous world. And happiness, happiness is when all four are fulfilled.

 

[signifying nothing]

"There's some pain that you don't share. Some pain like your fingerprints that's all yours, all alone."

 

[stygal]

Every day is pretty much the same which is slowly wearing me down mentally. I just want a change but I don't have the courage nor the mental capacity to actually make something happen.
On top of that I have no goals I just live because I am already alive.

 

[http-410]

Had my first COVID swab today. I had to gag, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. For some reason I'm absolutely depressed today. When I was at home I was so devastated I sat down under my desk and cried. I don't even know why. I'm stressed, overwhelmed by this back and forth by authorities (it was a hassle to get tested), it is still under consideration whether I will receive benefits (or not) because I'm too mentally crippled to work and they needed a bunch of paperwork. My therapy failed, I failed, and I feel either nothing, pain or despair and all I ever think about is ending it all. But I can't do it. Yet. I'm still crying, and it's hard to keep up the facade.

Now I'm hungry. But I'm getting too fat.