Random thoughts

[Lmd]

I've been isolated for days and the only social contact I have is this forum. Not even with those I am able to write more than 3 messages per day. It's incredible how many things people have to share and how empty I am inside.

 

[262653]

For the first time over the last month I'm having a day worth experiencing, and what's more, two days in the row, which happened for the first time over the last ten months. I'm not into parties but I almost feel like starting one.

 

[Lost21]

I wish I was much taller

 

[NodusTollens]

I'm exhausted, pain's keeping me "grounded," & my heart's beating out of my chest. I feel disconnected from those I love & yet, the thought of being in the same room makes me incredibly anxious. To desire close relationships & fear them all in the same breath. I feel pathetic.

I've wanted for so long to say it out loud to someone I know irl, but when I think about saying it- I freeze. Will it change everything if the people I loved knew what I wanted? Would they hate me? I just want to lessen this weight on my chest... but how is it fair to the one's I would tell? What would they go through carrying that knowledge?

I'm not living. I feel like an animated corpse. Going through the motions, I feel bad for the people I've left in my wake- the absentminded auto pilot. The disregarding of their emotion, not being supportive, the anger.

Everything points to them being better off without me. I wish I had died years ago.

- self loathing waste of space - xo

 

[NumbItAll]

Can't stand existing. I would like to speak to the manager of the universe, please. This is fucking bullshit!

 

[Fehler]

Mix of 2 types of coffee, 3-4 tablespoons of sugar, ground cereals, milk ... only 1 cup. What a rush it gives me every morning.

I feel disconnected from those I love & yet, the thought of being in the same room makes me incredibly anxious. To desire close relationships & fear them all in the same breath. I feel pathetic.

I've wanted for so long to say it out loud to someone I know irl, but when I think about saying it- I freeze. Will it change everything if the people I loved knew what I wanted? Would they hate me? I just want to lessen this weight on my chest... but how is it fair to the one's I would tell? What would they go through carrying that knowledge?

Relatable

 

[signifying nothing]

Endarkenment

 

[aqish]

I don't necessarily felt like killing myself or end my life back then. It all started when I was very young, early teenage years, I thought I shouldn't exist. Sometimes I would look at my parents and hope deeply that they had sex (or gave birth) one day earlier or one day later so that it was not me who was born, but someone else with perhaps the same name but different date of birth.

I strongly feel to cease my existence until now. Because why me?

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I sort of cleaned my room today and it sure looks like I made a lot of progress but for some reason I'm not any happier or more confident or whatever. I've been putting this off for over a year and yet I still feel just as empty, just more physically tired. When my mom sees it she might be proud but I don't think that will matter either.

I wonder if I've only been putting this off for so long because I was waiting for some kind of reward to make itself known first. Imagine that, I can't even want to do basic things without the promise of some benefit. There was no substantial reward for me this time so maybe that's why it hurts. Of course the job being done isn't reward enough for me because of how selfish and cruel I am. Jeez, why am I even allowed to exist?

 

[throwaway123]

There is no other way out. Doomed to fail. :-(

 

[knux]

Nostalgia is a motherfucker. It truly does consume me.

 

[http-410]

So many members are leaving. I feel like I'm on a sinking ship on fire and watch as many people make it into the lifeboats and drift away, others jump overboard. I don't know what to do and I'm afraid of going down with the ship all alone.

Sometimes I think this is not a good place for me, or that I'm too sensitive for it, but I have no other place for my thoughts.

I feel misunderstood. Just because I'm only a shell, no one recognizes my despair. I have become a machine that appears to be alive to outsiders but is dead inside. I just want to get rid of this shell. Even when I tell them that I'm falling apart more and more... they can't help me. No one can, not even me. I want to get it over with. As often as I overthink it, with all the feelings behind it. It can't be that bad, can it? But even if... it remains only theoretical drivel.

I was thinking about preparing a backpack with the things I need. I found some disposable cups yesterday. The only thing I need is a scale and a hotel room. The sun is shining again. This reminds me of last year, when I first developed these strong suicidal thoughts at the same time of year.

 

[throwaway123]

In the end they're all the same.

 

[jakaranda3]

wonder how many psychologists and psychiatrists wander in this forum studying the suicide phenomena.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I really don't know what to do. Honestly really hate myself right now. Made myself promise that I wouldn't see my 31st birthday, which is coming up in a few months. I just really can't deal with my thoughts anymore. I just wish I was strong enough to go or atleast brave enough to move pass where I am right now. Allot of old habits are coming back. That's the price of staying alive longer than you plan to. You get to hope again, try again, fall for life again. Only to have it crash before you again. I really wish I didn't wake up again this morning.

 

[IWantToSleep]

I hate waking up without having gotten enough sleep but not being able to go back to sleep, feeling fatigued etc. I have no motivation to do anything, but I'll just have to push through the day.

 

[thatguyakira123]

I hate waking up without having gotten enough sleep but not being able to go back to sleep, feeling fatigued etc. I have no motivation to do anything, but I'll just have to push through the day.

Same things happens to me. It's like your body just doesn't want you to be happy. I try to compensate with sleeping pills but they only make me sleep and get up and sleep, make my heart rase, get dry mouth and make me feel irritated in the morning.

 

[NodusTollens]

Life really is a trip & I really wish I'd taken more pictures. There are things I remember vividly that I would give anything to forget, and things I wish I could remember, like nights with friends, long conversations... shared experiences that are smudged images in my mind.

 

[DocNo]

don't really know what i am living for.
but right now i don't have anything better to do.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

He didn't remember what my name is.
I ran into my former best friend in a bar. I said "hi". And he said "hi" and then called me by a wrong name.
If I wasn't my stupid self I could've laugh it off, tell him who I really am and then have some small talk or shit. But I am me. I just wished him a nice night awkwardly and went on my way, because he was leaving the bar.
I spent more money than I make in a week today, half on a ridiculous tip to the bartender that quietly let me have 4 "white russians" in 15 minutes and the other half on the ridiculous tip to the cab driver that didn't comment on me curling up in a fetal position in the back seat and crying on my way home. I got out of a cab half way home and just walked in the blistering cold, now my hands are definitely frostbitten and I think my entire legs are too, because my jeans are not suited for the weather like that. Dying by hypothermia isn't peaceful. Hypothermia hurts.
I wish I could put it into words just how much this hurts.
I was never close with anyone in my family. I had relationships, but they weren't much to write home about either. My only concept of having what people call "a loved one" is this friendship. Close friendship of 7 years. And he doesn't even remember who I am anymore. Doesn't remember what my name is.
I wish I could put it into words how much this hurts. How big is this void in my chest that is left when my love for the "loved one" was once allowed to be. It is not acceptable to give all the love you have to a person who doesn't know what your name is anymore. I know.
Why does this hurt so bad?

"We remember, we remember, we remember thee, Zion
By the waters, the waters of Babylon
We laid down and wept, and wept for thee, Zion"

 

[Fehler]

After having the Sn for 2 months, I get an email from the UK lab where I bought it; I started to get scared thinking that they realized that it was not a company but it was only to say that they changed direction ... they already took away my hunger for breakfast

 

[TooMuchToBear]

Words are too empty to describe how I can't take it anymore

 

[foxdie]

When we die, we are truly alone. When we make the choice rationally to die by our own hands, we are even more alone. The path leading up to my death has been desperately lonely, by design. It still doesn't help the staggering void I've created inside me by doing this. I destroyed my life with the naive idea I could do the deed, with some difficulty, but I failed and now I languish, still here. I think about death all the time, about dying and how I will achieve this. In choosing to die by my own hand, I have lost everything, myself included. I only have death as a companion now, and even it is waiting on the horizon, not truly with me yet. I died 8 months ago and yet I'm still here deteriorating. The nihilism has become almost tangible. I really want to die...

 

[Sensei]

I'm so tired. I wish I could be indifferent and not worry about the future. I wish my disorder could be cured so I didn't have to endure this emotional chaos anymore. I wish.

 

[http-410]

This bureaucratic machinery is killing me. I'm already at the bottom and still have to expose myself to survive financially. I can't stand this pushing back and forth by authorities anymore. Nobody wants to deal with my case, which I can understand. I'm a parasite. Hopefully it won't be too much longer before this problem is solved and no authority has to deal with me. Before I die in poverty, I will take care of it myself.

 

[http-410]

I wish people were more understanding.

I ask the same things more often not because I enjoy it or to annoy people, but because I'm so dissociated that the information either doesn't reach my brain or I forget it.

 

[Echo]

It's so late it's early
And i've been thinking about my tickets all night- both of them...
Am i a coward for not having ctb'd yet? Or am i just getting comfortable with it?
I've had the noose around my neck to get used to the feel.., (i'm doing a double method ctb); i have my sn...
Yet here. I. Am. Still. Suffering.
Why the hell am i putting myself through more physical pain? More emotional pain? It's not hope. I have no dreams...
There is only my dog.
How can i hold on until my dog passes?
Ugh.

 

[Scribble Fan]

I'm just about ready to cut all ties from my family. They're horrible, blind people who have absolutely no clue when it comes to mental illnesses. The mental illnesses that they helped cause.

People say that it's not their fault either but they could've at least been there for me. Done something. But no, I'm alone in this world. I can see that now.

Maybe this will help me be free. Either that or I can CTB in peace without worrying how it will affect anyone else.

 

[Imaginos]

I felt like I was literally on fire earlier. I haven't felt that excruciatingly miserable in a long time. I think I must've broke a new record today. It's as if there were invisible flames covering me from head to toe. Bursting out of my chest like an old coal powered furnace continually belching out roaring bursts of fire. I was wreathed in a pitch black inferno of pure agony. I literally was bowled over on one side it was so visceral and intense. I felt at one point as if every fiber of my being were melting, like a little plastic army man left out in the middle of the sun on a scorchingly hot summer day. People who say depression is a "choice" are full of fucking shit. This stuff happens to me whether I want it to or not. I'm literally a victim of spontaneous combustion here. At any possible moment, WHOOSH! There I go, right up in darkness colored flames as deep and impenetrable as a black fucking hole. It's a small miracle I ever get any respite at all. I gotta tell ya, the bite of this fucking agony sometimes, man. God damn is it intense. I mean, fucking.....SHIT! Does it ever get bad. To the point I'm even bearing my teeth in sheer response to the pain, as if a god damned bullet were being yanked the fuck out of me.

 

[http-410]

Wow, this session was absolutely useless... I don't even know if it's frustration I'm feeling, or if I feel anything at all. Maybe it takes time for the frustration to come, maybe I just stay numb.