Random thoughts

[NodusTollens]

My mind is scattered as it juggles the latest in a string of thoughts that seem to go nowhere.

A lot of half thoughts mostly, unfinished plans, incomplete assignments/project, household upkeep falling behind... my body betrays me & my mind is weak.

Great combo- don't forget to supersize the misery.

 

[WornOutLife]

Never gonna buy cheap champagne again. The cheaper, the worse lol.

 

[http-410]

I feel gross after eating all that junk.

Will do some cardio to even it out... and wonder why I even care about such things anymore. I certainly don't want to exist fat or die fat, that's for sure.

 

[stygal]

I hate being alive and I hate being in pain.
Why why why does stuff need to happen when you are doing good for a few weeks.
Murphy's law.

 

[Birdie]

I wish I was a pretty girl.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Hmm. It's been over four months since I was heartbroken. Also been one month since I last messaged her (with no response). You'd think I'd be a little more over her right? Wrong.

Just hearing a similar name literally triggered me today and stabbed at my heart making the pain feel as fresh as the day it happened. Goddamn why do I have to be so sensitive? I think it's going to take another 10 years just to get over those five days of bliss. Why should I have to suffer and wait that long though? Why are people so cruel to make me have to endure that agony just because they want me alive? I'm already trying my best to be useless to them and still they want me around, I hate it. Sometimes I wish I was worse so people would be more willing to throw me away.

 

[throwaway123]

I'm not sure if anyone will read this but I have never been this bad in my life. All my hope is dead. There's nothing left. I'm pretty sure I'll ctb soon

 

[262653]

Random. Random random random. Taking an emotional dump, publicly. AEIOU stream. Whatever. Long time no see, random thoughts. So what now? It's so annoying that thoughts have to get transcribed. So much meaning is lost in the formatting process.
:Þ ç
Stream of consciousness, absorbed. Animal pen. Chuckotka. ƒ. I love windows symbols. VWVWVW. Life is precious. Fungal. 1450. squirt(4). Format C; og jeg. This is my anathema. The sad part about random thoughts is that not all symbols can be translated into words. Fuck, feed, fight.
Trees, wolf trees. Nutrition is good. Vegging out in front of a monitor. CCC... Сила Нарсила. Good is what feels good, except for heroin. Cutthroat, setback, cutback, setthroat. Sitthroat. Join the Sith armada while kids are playing on the field. 2arms2legs. FBC, OPEN THE DOOR. I'm bored.

 

[http-410]

I'm frustrated. Therapy shows that nothing helps at all. Yet I'm stupid enough to keep going there. What else should I do? I'm a hopeless case. It's not like it's my first therapy. I hope to be frustrated enough after that to finally get it over with. I'm just sick of it. I guess I need therapy to ctb. I need therapy to show me that there's no cure, no hope, no future. That's kind of funny. I think my therapist would be also glad to get rid of my case. It's not that I blame anyone. I also don't know what else to do with myself. Working with me must be frustrating, I feel bad for them.

 

[TooMuchToBear]

I'm frustrated. Therapy shows that nothing helps at all. Yet I'm stupid enough to keep going there. What else should I do? I'm a hopeless case. It's not like it's my first therapy. I hope to be frustrated enough after that to finally get it over with. I'm just sick of it. I guess I need therapy to ctb. I need therapy to show me that there's no cure, no hope, no future. That's kind of funny. I think my therapist would be also glad to get rid of my case. It's not that I blame anyone. I also don't know what else to do with myself. Working with me must be frustrating, I feel bad for them.

I could have written that!

 

[http-410]

I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating to experience something not helping when it should.

When I think about it... I always thought the point of therapy was to help oneself in the end.

Maybe this will come true as well. But "helping oneself" doesn't mean helping in the classical sense.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Typical. I'm trying to muster the motivation to do something productive this week like clean my room but I just can't. Then when my mom told me to do it, it made me really not want to do that even more. What is wrong with me?

 

[TooMuchToBear]

Yes... and it's not as if we're not overloaded with frustrations of all types already... well at least in my case.
It's like being in an overflooding state where you dread doing anything for fear that it could add a painful drop... and when it does add one although you thought it would rather alleviate the flood, then it's all the more unbearable. If that makes sense.

I'm sorry to hear that. It's frustrating to experience something not helping when it should.

When I think about it... I always thought the point of therapy was to help oneself in the end.

Maybe this will come true as well. But "helping oneself" doesn't mean helping in the classical sense.

 

[Rue89]

I don't know why I ever say anything anymore, here or anywhere. It always comes out stupid and I end up feeling embarrassment and regret.

 

[Apathy79]

I like reading your posts @rue89

 

[http-410]

I'm really sorry to read that mahakali ctb, even if I didn't know her. According to her previous messages and profile posts, she was on a stable road to recovery and now this happened.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm really sorry to read that mahakali ctb, even if I didn't know her. According to her previous messages and profile posts, she was on a stable road to recovery and now this happened.

What?!? Is it confirmed? You are right she seemed so sure of herself and her ability to recover. Such a devastating loss. Just a few days ago she was really trying to get me to recover too.

 

[signifying nothing]

Do we let the shit pile up so that we can scramble up to the top and get a better view?

 

[http-410]

What?!? Is it confirmed?

According to this post, she drank SN:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/tramadol-opioids-and-a-general-rant.60091/post-1115588

Idk what happened afterwards... A bit sad that her last post is somewhat buried in that thread.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

According to this post, she drank SN:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/tramadol-opioids-and-a-general-rant.60091/post-1115588

Idk what happened afterwards... A bit sad that her last post is somewhat buried in that thread.

Wow, and it's in Recovery of all places too. I hope she rests in peace assuming it's too late...

 

[NodusTollens]

I feel like I'm going to scream. The urge rises & I stifle it, rises again- more of the same. Breathing deep to keep my emotions at bay, I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. Like it'll grow tired of my laboured breaths & seek respite- escape through my throat.

I hate this life. Used to think it was the guilt, the thought of leaving others behind, the pain I'll leave them with... now I know it's shame. I'm ashamed of who I am & the memories people will have of me once I'm gone. I'm ashamed of how I allowed my emotions get the best of me. Ashamed how I lived this life, though wasted would be more apt. Ashamed of the person I am. I keep trying to make amends, be better- even if I CTB. I just want them to know that they were loved & cared for... even if I couldn't always show it.

I was never one for speaking up for myself, guess that's why I have so much to say as life comes to a close.

- journey - xo

 

[http-410]

They actually said that I was bothering them. Well, I asked them so it shouldn't surprise me.

 

[aneurysm]

struggling to get to 200 posts.

 

[http-410]

Sometimes I experience short moments where I feel something like superficial joy because everything will eventually come to an end.

 

[Teas]

I went outside by myself for the first time since the lockdown started. It was actually quite horrifying than I expected. Made it home safely, closed the curtains, turn on sound machine, put on noise-cancellation headphones and I feel safe already.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I really find it so hard fitting in anywhere. I don't think my negativity is welcome. I should just man up. Kill me

 

[Rue89]

I wish I'd known that my mom was going to be away almost 4 hours and counting (she isn't back yet). I could've drank my SN. Too late now. I wish I had done it. I'm shaking and crying on my bed, and my cat just came and cuddled up to me. Does he know? I just want to be gone.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Yesterday was awful. I nearly did a really dumb thing impulsively out of fear my nice safe SN method isn't going to work (and because of a very risky situation, I thought I might get in jail). Now I'm just drained and numb. I need a forever nap.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I can't do anything if I can't ever go anywhere
I can't do anything if I can't ever go anywhere
I can't do anything if I can't ever go anywhere

 

[http-410]

I want to eat everything.