Random thoughts

[stygal]

On days like these I wish I still had weed. I'm craving to feel relaxed and tuned out.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I'm so stressed out at work, I am blamed for the tiniest mistakes I make, for the things completely outside of my control that I didn't compensate for, and even for doing the very thing my superior told me that she doesn't remember telling me. And when I go an extra mile to fix everyone eleses mess, all I get is "good, the result should be perfect like this all the time, no exceptions". I am so done.
Nothing I do helps me relax. I can't take a bath because I'm all jittery, I don't feel like watching videos or playing games and I can't even sleep because I keep having anxiety-filled dreams and jolt awake every 30 minutes or so. I think I just want out.

 

[MrBlue]

I feel like my date is getting closer. I assumed I'd get at least a little further than I have, but I guess I' m even more of a fuck up than I thought.

I'm tired of being a repulsive monster to people, and a complete pathetic failure.

 

[signifying nothing]

The intergalactic medium.

 

[http-410]

I can't stand following the debate about stricter curfew restrictions anymore.

I already feel trapped in this so called "life", I couldn't endure not being able to go outside at all. If hotels were closed, I'd also have a problem. Will I end up having to sneak into the forest at night? Is that what you want?

I'm going insane if this continues like this.

 

[signifying nothing]

I can't stand following the debate about stricter curfew restrictions anymore.

I already feel trapped in this so called "life", I couldn't endure not being able to go outside at all. If hotels were closed, I'd also have a problem. Will I end up having to sneak into the forest at night? Is that what you want?

I'm going insane if this continues like this.

Already feels like we're locked down - inside of ourselves. And now its like the world outside of us is starting to reflect how we are internally. Its kind of weird like that.

 

[WornOutLife]

Don't wanna get out my bed. So lazy!

 

[http-410]

No hope. In any way. Resignation. Lost. Not only me, but everything. The more I rationalize everything, the worse it gets. Is this reality? Is that what is hidden behind dissociation?

 

[WornOutLife]

My days are like: "okay I've taught the english lessons I was supposed to so, now what?"
(I end up depressed in my bed, thinking about ctb all day/night long)

 

[Deleted member 22624]

My days are like: "okay I've taught the english lessons I was supposed to so, now what?"
(I end up depressed in my bed, thinking about ctb all day/night long)

I used to be a workaholic, that worked for a while...

 

[http-410]

More and more often I have this feeling that at some point I'm going to lose control, going crazy, do something impulsive. I'm completely frustrated, it really couldn't be easier right now to throw everything away. Nothing matters. Nothing. I really don't know if I'll still exist by the end of the year. I need to cancel these shitty appointments. It's enough. There is no alternative. And even if there were - I don't want one. I have to cancel this crap, it can't go on like this. Frustrated and yet indifferent. I need to stop making excuses to myself. There IS no other choice. YES, I have accepted it. But then why am I still here? I'm so upset with myself that I'd like to throw myself into a meat grinder, it all makes no difference. What's the point of planning so much, why write a living will when one could end it so quickly and easily. Not leaving is just pure stupidity. Stupidity and naivety. Pointless. I repeat myself.

 

[throwaway123]

I realized something today. Nobody cares about me the way I thought they were, at the end of the day we're all just letters on a screen and to be honest I think I've finally come to terms with it.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Why is being even a little bit social, even in a "safe" environment is so scary? Why do I worry so much about saying a thing someone might not like, if I am only interacting with others to distract myself from physical pain, suicidal urges and mental exhaustion, I am not even trying to establish some kind of a relationship with those people? Why even when I am seriously considering ending my life soon, my social anxiety pipes up and decides to pull it's favourite "maybe they weren't nice, maybe it was sarcasm", like it matters if I'm planning to end it for unrelated reason anyway and nothing should matter? I make a joke, we laugh, then I die internally 10 minutes later when I begin to reminisce about it and thinking it was rude/dumb/cringe. Quitting both of my jobs and spending the rest of my money before I end things, even though I run the risk of failing my attempt? A comforting idea! Talking to someone in a lighthearted manner? Oooh, shizz, that's too scary for me, count me out.
I am stupid and pathetic, and I feel like a teenager that constantly screams "I don't care" the louder the more they actually care excessively.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

I realized something today. Nobody cares about me the way I thought they were, at the end of the day we're all just letters on a screen and to be honest I think I've finally come to terms with it.

What makes you say that? I think we're just limited in what we can do maybe, or maybe friendships these days are so much more strained and tenuous, but there's an emotional connection, it's more than letters on a screen fwiw, whatever you've been through.

 

[http-410]

I can't even describe it... just worse. I almost hoped that they'd ask me. But I'm free. I've always been free. There is no right or wrong. But still, I'm trapped inside myself. I can't communicate with them. What a tragedy. I think they've accepted it. They let me go.

Sometimes I hope that someone who knows my struggles would support me in my last hours. And sometimes, like now, I hope that someone would stop me. To give me courage to live and give perspective. But neither will happen. I'm really struggling with myself. It hurts so bad.

 

[hoffnungstod]

I want sweets so badly today... unfortunately I don't have any in my apartment. And I'm too lazy to go out and buy some. Too exhausting...

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I really want to catch my bus today. But I can't because of the stupid lockdown. My roommate can't go out, I can't go anywhere, we're stuck together in a one bedroom apartment 24 hours a day until the next Monday at least. I know he doesn't really care that much, but it's still way too risky to attempt with him in the apartment, even when he is asleep. I am so distressed I don't know what to do to make it better, even the alcohol doesn't help. I don't know how to make it until the end of this bullshit lockdown.
As the great ones said, "Who can relate? Woo".

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I have a friend who's as suicidal as I am but I really don't want to tell them about this site because there's a very real chance they could just be publicly tweeting about wanting to die all the time simply because they're trying to signal for some attention plus even if they're serious, then they'd be more likely to go through with it immediately on an impulse before my time which I would likely get blamed for so here's to hoping they never find this site, at least not until after I'm already gone.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I have a friend who's as suicidal as I am but I really don't want to tell them about this site because there's a very real chance they could just be publicly tweeting about wanting to die all the time simply because they're trying to signal for some attention plus even if they're serious, then they'd be more likely to go through with it immediately on an impulse before my time which I would likely get blamed for so here's to hoping they never find this site, at least not until after I'm already gone.

I think you've got to have a lot of trust in a person and a lot of confidence in their genuine desire to end it to start talking to them about resources that will help them to leave instead of resources that would help them to stay. You're very right about the possibility of the person just not knowing how to express that they need help other than by claiming suicidality, or just being impulsive. So you're right, I wouldn't recommend sharing this site with them, even if it does have a recovery section.
However, if they do find this site on their own, you're not going to be responsible in any way, even if they recognize you here.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think you've got to have a lot of trust in a person and a lot of confidence in their genuine desire to end it to start talking to them about resources that will help them to leave instead of resources that would help them to stay. You're very right about the possibility of the person just not knowing how to express that they need help other than by claiming suicidality, or just being impulsive. So you're right, I wouldn't recommend sharing this site with them, even if it does have a recovery section.
However, if they do find this site on their own, you're not going to be responsible in any way, even if they recognize you here.

That's all very true. Thanks for helping me feel better about not telling them.

 

[Manaaja]

god please save me, i want to be able to breathe well, i want the pain to go away, i want energy, i want the brain fog go away, i want to feel safe and healthy

fuck narcissistic brain dead parents

 

[http-410]

I was just about to go out for a walk. Brushed my teeth, went to get dressed. And now am so incredibly tired... Is it because of where I wanted to go? My brain is killing me. Either way. I feel so drugged.

 

[demuic]

Feels like my CTB is coming closer.

I was really thinking about what would happen as I'm dying.

Everyday the futility of life becomes more apparent.

I want to be gone.

 

[http-410]

I wonder... Is it my fault that I could never improve? Was I too lazy? Or am I just too broken? Does it even make a difference anymore?

 

[throwaway123]

I am broken. Why does noone care about me?

 

[Manaaja]

I'm against capitalism but at the same time I love companies, because they send me messages such as "We miss you! <3" and "Your opinion is important to us!". I have never experienced such words from humans, so they mean much to me, even if I know it's just corporate talk and a way to get me to spend money. I feel like companies treat me nicer than most of the people I know. :(

 

[WornOutLife]

Gotta walk/run my daily 7kms but feel so lazy!

 

[hoffnungstod]

Gotta walk/run my daily 7kms but feel so lazy!

I'm happy when I can make it from my bed to the kitchen..

 

[throwaway123]

Destined to fail :(
sometimes you can't escape your fate.

 

[nerve]

Everything really hurts tonight. There are nice things about being on this planet and that makes it so much worse to want to leave so badly.

I just want to be somewhere else.