Random thoughts

[Fehler]

It had been a while since I had a "crying explosion." I don't know why but taking advantage of the good weather, while I was putting on my skates, I started to look at the sky and a "loud cry" came to me. If I cry, I usually do it silently. There was a point that I don't know if I was crying or laughing, bad vibes.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I'm getting bad again. Big appointment in a couple of days. Still trying to reach out for help even though I don't feel there's much hope. It all comes down to this: just accept the suffering and keep quiet. Or go down fighting. I want to scream, I'm not coping but I should be coping.

 

[http-410]

I started to look at the sky and a "loud cry" came to me.

Something like that happened to me a few hours ago.

I talked with the helpline people while watching the sky at a lake. Everything was cloudy except for the horizon, and the sun came out of the clouds and was just setting. They asked me if there was anything "nice" left in my life. I watched the sunset and had to cry.

Well, I guess it's good to experience emotions and let them out...

 

[signifying nothing]

Just woken very afraid and feeling vulnerable. Part of me is very angry and has the potential to hurt me very badly if it wants to. Not kill me, but it wants to hurt me a lot. I'm afraid of myself and don't know what I can do. They're right here inside of me and I can't escape.

 

[http-410]

Life feels like a trap. Therapy feels like a trap. The time between sessions feels like I'm trapped.

Is it supposed to take so long between sessions? Am I supposed to learn to live? I can't.

It feels more like being torn apart more and more. There is nothing left of me, but it's okay. What I've lost is not coming back. Sometimes it hurts to lie, but what else can I do. Should I wait until therapy is over, until I am "free"? Or will I manage to weasel my way out of therapy before? Why can't I manage to just end therapy? I'm afraid of what comes afterwards. It's death, and I'm scared of dying. Sometimes I think therapy is the only thing keeping me existent. It's going to end next year.

The time between sessions is the worst, but during sessions I'm not really there, I'm not myself, I'm nowhere.

Even though I have SN now, I still think about trains. Everything is a mess. It's a one-way street. I live a double life. It's so bizarre sometimes that I want to laugh if I could.

 

[throwaway123]

I want to die with dignity.

 

[Fehler]

It was a long time since I had a dream where I died. I was at my mother's house, I had a grenade in my hand (it looked like fragmentation). I tugged at the ring and put it at head level. I closed my eyes and waited, it took longer than normal to explode, during that time I noticed nerves and anxiety. By the time it "exploded" I woke up. It would have been nice if it wasn't a dream, it would be an interesting ctb method.

 

[http-410]

I can't.

 

[aeon]

The city is empty, dead, everybody's gone, it's amazing ! Nothing more beautiful than an empty city.

 

[Nitup]

I'm terrified of dying alone.
My last attempt was with my ex gf, we tried to ctb together hand in hand and now I feel like I'm not capable anymore of doing it alone.

 

[http-410]

Right now I'm thinking about whether it wouldn't be better if therapy ended now, so that I can finally off myself. This is dragging on too long. I don't know if I can endure it...

I wish I could go outside. There's too much pain in my mind, it's hard to bear. I just lock myself in my head. What else can I do?

I can't walk around numb like a zombie every day without losing my composure at some point. The crack is too deep, too long. I'm falling apart. This is too much right now.

 

[signifying nothing]

Dislike renewal of the year, dread the upcoming return of light and life. Wish the world was in a continually declining state of erosion and decay, the sun feeble in the sky, warmth dissipating, the stars going out, the moon a dulling grey disc in the night.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I keep getting lofty fantasies to do productive things like clean my room or set out to exercise but I can only find this motivation in the middle of the night while I'm lying in bed. It feels like I can only want to do stupidly hard things like that when I can put them off til later but once later comes it's back to being super lazy and worthless. Watching Soul might be starting to affect me too because I'm starting to realize my plan to make people around me be prepared for my eventual CTB isn't working.

For some reason I'm being valued too much and I hate it. Stupid idiot male biology. Stupid primordial lizard brain. It's forcing me to hate life just because I can't spread my genes with anyone. One of the last things my therapist said is that everyone has multiple potential soulmates out there. If that's true where the hell are they? I'm sick of waiting. True soulmates of mine should have found me by now. I'd love to be able to go find them but how the fuck am I gonna find them?

Why did the closest emotional bond I ever had with someone be with someone on this forum and not a regular place where people are actually looking? Why hasn't she still replied yet? It's me right? It has to be me. I'm too needy. Of course I'm needy. I've never been able to do this it's too goddamn late for me. I wish I could make people truly understand that my life just isn't worth living knowing I won't ever get a romantic partner. I'm so sick of the hollow sentiments that I can or that somebody out there can love me. If that were true where are they? Someone was very close but even she saw what I truly am like and wisely decided to have nothing to do with me. God I'm so pathetic. Just a bit over a year until I turn 28 and can CTB though. Can't wait.

 

[misha]

if anyone here has watched the limmy show

i feel like dee dee

 

[http-410]

I feel so numb/drugged/foggy and yet it's so uncomfortable it makes me lose it.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Life's stupid

 

[throwaway123]

In my dream world everything is better but when I wake up I realize how much everything sucks.
The more I think about it the more I realize I never really had a choice. Life sucks.

 

[throwaway123]

The more I think about my future the more bleak it becomes. It's not worth living a life like this. Completely broken. I was set up to fail.

 

[signifying nothing]

I feel like every day has already been used, as though its already familiar and there's no chance to do something significantly different from what's been done before. No chance for novelty, originality.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yesterday I woke up having had a vividly fucked up dream after taking melatonin supplements. The dream wasn't so fucked up because it was outlandish or anything, it just cut deeply into my emotions and left me pissed off all day for how it seemed like it was systematically designed to torture me.

Spoiler: My dream

Basically I dreamt that I was at some suicide convention. I ended up meeting this guy who said he was going to meet this girl for the first time that he met online by talking about suicide. I said I was happy for him because that's how I met one of the most perfect possible girls for me but I lost her to my own idiocy. When he told me more about his girl I realized that she was that exact same girl. At first I was mad because I thought it meant she might have been manipulating me all along so I was prepared to go with this guy to confront her and call her out in case she was manipulating him too. It turned out that she really was into this guy, and to me at first but I was right that I just wasn't what she was looking for because I was too nice to her. I tried to ask her what she meant by that but before I could plead my case she would elaborate no further. The dream then cuts to me in a class again, which I really hate the idea of because I just graduated. Anyway it turns out she's also in this class so I try to be in her group as some groups are being formed for a project but for some reason I'm blocked by the teacher. The rest of the dream is me impotently struggling to get her attention while also working on the stupid project. The dream ends when I make the conscious decision to use my SN and CTB...

I don't care if that dream was trying to tell me something about improving myself or moving on. It just makes me so angry for some reason. I guess suicide really is my only option because it made me realize that no matter what happens I just won't be able to let go until someone else comes along. Obviously no one is coming for me or they would have found me already. God, next year can't come fast enough. Then I'll finally be free from this agony.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

They really make this hard. Every avenue blocked. Trapped like an animal. I'm disgusted by this society for this. What right do they have?

 

[Manaaja]

Unpopular opinion:

Childless people matter!

 

[http-410]

Today is a particularly crappy day. I'm losing my mind. Bit by bit.

"I think, therefore I am."

What if I can't think anymore?

 

[stygal]

Imagine being so desperate asking me (a brain dead suicidal unemotional asshole) for a date.
Just lol.

 

[Deleted member 22624]

When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream
A fantasy
And my destination makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness, still another mile

 

[WornOutLife]

Champagne + energy drinks is the best.

 

[kitch]

If everyday life just integrated the fact that I am really severely "in doubt" as to the Great Human Project ... and it was a validified way of being , that would take a lot of weight off ....

Imagine a job interview ...

"So you're profoundly pessimistic and have negative views on most human endeavors ?"

"Yes"

"We mostly are all that way here as well ... isn't it a drag ? When can you start ? "

And that is how I really feel ... I can maybe handle getting in amongst the world and all that , but spare me the "best (insert detail here) ever" rhetoric.

Problems denied are problems multiplied.

edit : formatting kicked me in the head for some reason

 

[Fehler]

I would be pretty screwed if the page was down when I ctb.

 

[throwaway123]

I really need to get myself some real psychiatric help. I can't deal with this on my own any more. I can't ctb and i can't live and nobody really wants cares or gives a shit about me. This is the world i live in.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I keep trying to tell my friends that I support everything Trump and his supporters are doing. They're willing to call me insults for that opinion like that I'm a sheep, which is laughable because I don't belong anywhere even with other conservatives. I'm too flaky and lazy for them.

And yet when I bring up that I'm going to kill myself, instead of making them happy, they keep threatening to call a psych ward on me. Hilarious. I suppose they only care about my life itself but not the person living it. I told them as much and that even if they did call the ward, I would only continue to suffer. No answer to that. Why do they all have to be such hypocrites? I bet if Trump told them he was gonna kill themselves they'd rejoice. Fuck fake sincerity. Just let me die in peace. I hate Californians.