Random thoughts

[signifying nothing]

Interesting to see what threads the robots are reading.

 

[throwaway123]

Interesting to see what threads the robots are reading.

what is a robot?

 

[signifying nothing]

what is a robot?

The ones looking at this site will be web crawlers for the search engines.

 

[http-410]

These peaceful moments are rare. I wonder if these moments are the right ones to leave.

I'm tired.

 

[grungeCat]

Just a very random thought but I have to vent it somewhere. I've just watched a Katawa Shoujo video and it made me feel very sad. I won't play visual novels anymore after KS. The main problem is that I bonded with characters there. And when the game was over it hit me like a train that it wasn't real. These girls aren't real. It reminded me how lonely and miserable I am. It's only fiction. Nobody loves me in reality.

 

[http-410]

I've been wondering for a while if 2021 will be my last year. 2020 was a year of realization and resignation. Probably that's one of the reasons why my suicide ideation arose, intensified and remained. I've "grown up" inside and can no longer hide behind a glimmer of naive hope.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Against my better judgment I've done it again. I reached out to her with a simple holiday greeting. Probably won't amount to anything. My therapist helped me realize that getting that over with would be better than continuing to wallow in agony any further.

Shame that now that I'm done with school, I won't be able to see my therapist anymore because she's provided by my university. Now I have to actually go try and find a new one myself which sounds really daunting especially since I usually hate taking any extra steps to take care of myself. Maybe that's why I don't deserve any women anyway. Realizing this doesn't help. It just makes me more down about my life. I wish I wasn't such a stupid lazy pile of garbage. I bet anyone in my life could do a much better job with it than I have been doing.

 

[Going Home]

The emails sent to at least 10 other people about me but excluding me.

 

[http-410]

People are driving me crazy.

I just got back from cycling and on the way home I passed a group of people who gave me no choice but to drive through a huge, deep puddle. Since my clothes were already dirty getting dirtier wasn't so bad, but their inability to move aside so that I don't have to drive through the puddle in the first place, I don't understand. I almost fell in all that mud.

Then there was another huge group of people blocking the whole road. What's so difficult about walking on the side of a road?

 

[Fehler]

People are driving me crazy.

I just got back from cycling and on the way home I passed a group of people who gave me no choice but to drive through a huge, deep puddle. Since my clothes were already dirty getting dirtier wasn't so bad, but their inability to move aside so that I don't have to drive through the puddle in the first place, I don't understand. I almost fell in all that mud.

Then there was another huge group of people blocking the whole road. What's so difficult about walking on the side of a road?

I come across a lot of these when I skate. Sidewalks of +5 meters in diameter and a group of 5 occupying it completely, they see you coming from afar skating and they do not even make the effort to move a little bit for you to pass. The nice thing is when you pass quickly and they are forced to move aside, especially when the lane is dedicated to bikes/skates.

 

[throwaway123]

I am broken beyond repair. No matter how much I try to do otherwise. Nothing works. I'm over.

People are driving me crazy.

I just got back from cycling and on the way home I passed a group of people who gave me no choice but to drive through a huge, deep puddle. Since my clothes were already dirty getting dirtier wasn't so bad, but their inability to move aside so that I don't have to drive through the puddle in the first place, I don't understand. I almost fell in all that mud.

Then there was another huge group of people blocking the whole road. What's so difficult about walking on the side of a road?

One of these days I'm just gonna kill them all. So sick of their selfish shit.

 

[Miss_Takes]

Sadness flutters through my heart like a butterfly's wings
I give chase but as quickly as it arrives it is gone
My cupped hands remain empty
And I realise this is not sadness
I am merely chasing a faulty electrical connection in my heart
It is all I crave

 

[throwaway123]

more and more ctb seems like the only option. things dont ever improve.

 

[UiopQwerty]

I havent got paid today either! Im gonna f*cking loose my flat.
Tenant owe me soon three months of rent.

 

[throwaway123]

I've never been this close to ctb. I'm starting to lose my mind.
I've never been this lost before. Something's deeply wrong with me and i can't fix it.

 

[UiopQwerty]

Atleast Im enjoying in the misery,

 

[http-410]

So I had the strength to call in the first place, and then it's busy. Multiple times. I know it's not their fault. But it just doesn't make any difference anymore. I just want a clear closure.

 

[Fehler]

The mind continues to project situations where I am happy with someone.

 

[catalepsy]

My head hurts and the meowing just goes on forever. It never stops.

 

[http-410]

I feel worse after making appointments. Therapy is only artificial "life" support. I just exist. I don't live. It's hard to switch it off on my own. It feels like it drags on forever, but I only have a few sessions left. Yet I'm afraid of termination. It will be the end of everything, which I'd never tell them.

Yes, I'm able to put up a facade and lie, but only to a certain extent.

I do think they care, but I also think they're well aware that they can't help me. It would have been so much easier to simply reject me in the first place, what they intended to do at the beginning.

I'm going to ask if they still see any sense in therapy. All I want is an honest answer.

 

[Sherri]

Listening to Linkin Park, I can hear the pain on the main singer, now dead, all the pain he carried inside him. He tried all medical things and nothing worked for him, until he set himself free by ctb. RIP Chester.

 

[MrBlue]

I realised recently that the number of people that I've had any physical contact with in my life is in the single digits. That isn't intimate/romantic contact, I never had that, but things like hugs or pats on the back.

Is it still being touch deprived when you barely know what you're being deprived of feels like to begin with?

 

[http-410]

The search function is broken again. Strange, this seems to happen every month. The forum is also pretty slow on my end today.

 

[Fehler]

At this time I would have to be taking the SN if I had not postponed the date.

 

[140 bpm]

I had dreams last night. And two nights before. So 3 in a row really rare for me. Last 4-5 years I didn't have dreams at all. Like...at all. I was just passing out and waking up. This July they came back by some reason. Several nights in a week. I've started travel in nightmares as well. Few times was waking up screaming. They stopped suddenly again. Last 2 month - nothing. And now came back. Weird. I don't know if that somehow related to the fact, that I've stopped using any substances this year or not. I thought I'll never have dreams already. I'm confused...do I like it or I want them leave me alone...

 

[waived]

5g conspiracy theories are still dumb

 

[UiopQwerty]

I'll just prepair something to eat... Some juice.
Check the ligature... EAt something spicy.
Wait some.

 

[http-410]

Barely slept, the food I cooked didn't taste good, forgot to ask my therapist if they still see any sense in continuing therapy and now I have to wait an eternity again. What a good start into the day. I wish I knew if I could still use my old meto. In my mind, I run through the scenario over and over again, and the last thing I want to do is throw up all over the place and fail. Ugh, I think I'm going back to bed.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Something really amazing could potentially happen for me. It's exciting enough to make me even want to fully recover and not have to CTB. Surprisingly it has nothing to do with women or relationships either.

Unfortunately it's still a bit of a long shot and I'm so scared that if I tell anyone I have this chance it will jinx everything. Still, the anticipation is killing me.

 

[moonchild]

The days between Christmas and New Year's are always weird, but I feel especially disoriented this year.

I spent Christmas in my hometown, which wasn't that great. Just reminded me of how I truly don't get along with my parents, which is far from a surprise, but it's like I'm always compulsively convincing myself that "eh, it's not that bad". And then I see them and I realise that wow, it's really bad. Before Christmas, I felt like I had good routines and was going in a somewhat good direction. And now after Christmas, it's like I'm back to square one.