Random thoughts

[http-410]

Woke up too early this morning and couldn't stop thinking about how much it actually sucks to take a substance that neither I nor my body doesn't want to take and force the body to retain it.

 

[signifying nothing]

Don't, just don't.

 

[Going Home]

Thrown into a tornado again.
Fuck every last one of them that did this to me!

 

[demuic]

Kill me...

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I feel like I'm living in a version of the crab bucket analogy where there are only two crabs in the bucket, and both of them are me. They keep dragging the other one down when one of them gets close to escaping the bucket which represents a soul-crushing prison. At the same time, the relative safety and comfort of the miserable bucket is also sometimes enough to make each crab want to drag itself down when it gets too close to escaping. Why only two crabs? Maybe they are more but every crab facet of myself is probably too stupid to keep track of any more than that.

 

[Going Home]

Cat, customer, employee, enemy outsider. I guess I was supposed to just pick one. WE WONT TELL YOU WHERE YOU STAND OR ANY OF THE RULES AND NOBODY ELSE BETTER TELL HER EITHER. How can a person be all of those and live like this.
WTF. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU DEMONS!

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I feel final about my date, basing it on how much of the painful parts of life I can take. And it makes me simultaneously sad about all the nice things I would never do now. But no matter how nice they are, they can't take away the pain.
All those ridiculous quotes about leaving your comfort zone... Man, I wish I could get in it, then maybe I wouldn't feel pushed to be dead.

 

[CyanideSoup]

I've been thinking alot recently about how people will react when I'm gone. I already know how it'll go and it makes me so mad to think about. Because it'll be "oh she was so loved, why didn't she tell us how bad it was". I did. I cried and begged for help from everyone around me. I was honest when they asked how I was and the response was always "oh that's not good I'm sorry" and then they'd just move on like I never said a word. I'm sick of the whole "all suicidal people suffer in silence when they could've just asked for help" assumption. Because it's bullshit. I couldn't have asked more over this past year. But here I am. Still suicidal and still dealing with it on my own. Fuck them all.

 

[Going Home]

I want out of this the same way I was put in with the swipe of a signature, not mine. I don't care what the intention was.
Who wants their first interaction of the morning to be harassment in the bathroom then threats of lock up. Power hungry small men.

 

[http-410]

Numb af, I can't imagine how I'm supposed to keep that appointment without appearing weird.

 

[http-410]

And it was mentioned again... Somehow I want to talk about it, but somehow I don't. I'm not too fond of the last "intervention". Suicide is an option. If this option is taken away from me, I feel even worse. I cannot tell the truth, even if I wanted to. Even if I don't say anything and deny suicidal thoughts, I get the impression that they (rightly) don't believe me and I feel somehow manipulative. Can't we just leave it at that...?

Wow, now I'm tired. Dissociation is weird.

 

[Going Home]

I don't like people watching me pee or anything else in the bathroom. It's degrading.
And fuck the blonde wig wearing lady who thinks she knows me. Your wig looks like the back of a cats ass. I'll keep my nappy hair and my FAT ass.

And those two were preggo at the same time. Fuck them too. Go soak your assholes in the Mohawk on New Year's Day.

And fuck that cross eyed chick with the long hair who arranged for them to hurt me in California. Go suck a dead wet rat's ass bitch.

 

[Teas]

Tired of working

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Writing this down before I forget. I finally have some clarity about how to distinguish my two selves: I think one side wants to actually get better and do productive things but is also very selfish and has absolutely no empathy for anyone. They'll basically be a complete douche if they ever had their way. The other me is lazy and wants to do nothing but is sympathetic to everyone especially other evil people. This side also wants to kill myself the most because it will be a good thing for the world while the other side only wants to kill myself to get rid of the other self.

 

[stygal]

A spider crawled into my bed
and I crushed it and slept on it.
Ew.
I wish some giant would crush me too.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I'm not sure about the whole "kill them with kindness" thing, but "kill them with genuine indifference" can be impressively, brutally effective.

 

[WornOutLife]

I like pizza more than french fries.

 

[http-410]

Yesterday I saw a documentary about indigenous people in Brazil where everyone kills themselves sooner or later to enter their ancestral world. Suicide was not taboo. The oldest woman, who didn't want to kill herself because she was afraid, was even ostracized. That was interesting.

I dreamed I was vomiting...

 

[http-410]

I'm shocked at how unworldly and undifferentiated some people are. As if everything is fixed by "hugs and prayers" and standard measures at most. No, there are not appropriate solutions for all problems.

 

[Lmd]

Odio tener que lidiar con gente con la que no se puede razonar

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Moan

 

[WornOutLife]

Extra brut champagne is the best.

 

[kkatt]

Found this in the woods.
My dad saw it sitting in my bath and wasn't impressed,so I promised him I'd rehome it responsibly

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Found this in the woods.
My dad saw it sitting in my bath and wasn't impressed,so I promised him I'd rehome it responsiblyView attachment 59396

I mean, I know I'm prone to paranoia, but that does make me a little suspicious lol, finding a sword in the woods!

 

[ashedout]

I reeeeeaaaaallly don't want to work tomorrow and I've managed to work myself up into an anxious mess about it. Thank goodness for sleeping pills I guess. My "I quit" plans and fantasies are as detailed as my CTB ones at this point...

 

[kkatt]

I mean, I know I'm prone to paranoia, but that does make me a little suspicious lol, finding a sword in the woods!

Yeah...I did examine it very carefully before picking it up...and I do live in an extremely low crime area

 

[Deleted member 22624]

Yeah...I did examine it very carefully before picking it up...and I do live in an extremely low crime area

Nice find!

 

[http-410]

It's weird how I get a little worried when I notice something is wrong with my body and at the same time I wish to be dead.

 

[Lefty]

Feeling exhausted and frustrated.

 

[http-410]

I don't know how I feel. Thoughts are less intrusive at the moment, but everything else is also dull. I'm tired.

Something is different. It's as if time, my brain and everything else has stopped. Weird. As if I were floating in weightlessness. Sometimes I get dizzy when I walk around. Maybe it got too much for my brain and just stopped working. It can't be the saffron, can it? Or is this the calm before the next storm? Perhaps the reason is simply avoidance. The denial of the current situation. There's no forward, no backward, but only downward.

I still wish I wasn't here, but the more I think about it... about the vomiting, the tachycardia. Or my backup plan. I just don't know what to do. It's the last moment that keeps me thinking. The act of ctb and the knowledge that there's no turning back. Also, how do I know not to regret it after I do it? I can't imagine that, but anyway. I think I would actually be able to do it. But it would be so much easier with N. I just want it to be fast and peaceful, like almost everyone else, but everything else except N is just not as peaceful. I'm going around in circles.

The more I rack my brain about it, the more I think it can't end up being as bad as I think. Or can it...?

Sometimes I wonder why one becomes a therapist. One creates a new, neutral, and analytical identity and pokes around in other people's brains.