Random thoughts

[Eren]

I can not sleep :/

 

[littlelungs]

I'm losing my fucking mind. I get no respect, I'm just a piece of meat. If I'm anywhere CLOSE to this mindset on my ctb date my survival instinct will have NOTHING on my desire to die. Fuck everything and everyone, I'm done, and I need another beer.

 

[sadsoul]

Never had problems with involuntarily sleeping too little and not being able to fall asleep again, but now for some reason this is happening hahahahahah thanks body I hate you too

 

[Letting Go]

Fuck playing by the rules in a game rigged against you.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I'm writing a pro-choice email to my two favorite Econ bloggers. Let's see if they support liberty in this case :)

 

[invisiblycrippled]

I'm losing my fucking mind. I get no respect, I'm just a piece of meat. If I'm anywhere CLOSE to this mindset on my ctb date my survival instinct will have NOTHING on my desire to die. Fuck everything and everyone, I'm done, and I need another beer.

I respect you a lot and it pains me that I can't do anything to change your state of suffering.

And I don't care how much you're damaged or how worthless you think you are, it won't change what I see in you.

You're funny, talented, intelligent, insightful... and that's just what I see after only knowing you for a short while.

I don't believe the demons. Sue me.

I'll never forget you.

 

[littlelungs]

I respect you a lot and it pains me that I can't do anything to change your state of suffering.

And I don't care how much you're damaged or how worthless you think you are, it won't change what I see in you.

You're funny, talented, intelligent, insightful... and that's just what I see after only knowing you for a short while.

I don't believe the demons. Sue me.

I'll never forget you.

...I'm... I'm not crying... I just have something in my eye... and maybe it's just allergies and I'm also chopping up some onions...

THOSE DAMN ONIONS.

Invisibly <3

 

[Schopenhauer]

I can die in peace now. Stan Lee is gone :(

 

[Letting Go]

I am a suicide waiting to happen. It's inevitable, but not yet imminent.

If I had a Facebook account, I would put that as my status. I honestly don't give a fuck anymore.

 

[littlelungs]

GODDAMN IT, I woke up with feet so cold that I think I might be getting frostbite, and it's been bothering me all day... seriously. I don't know if it had ANYTHING to do with my dream last night where I was riding a horse and the horse suddenly stopped on the edge of a cliff and I went flying off the cliff and all my clothes evaporated off my body and then I hit a bunch of branches on the way down and died and then had a birds-eye view of my dead, mangled body (holy fuckin' run-on sentence)... but I'm getting some REALLY COLD FEET right now.

If I am to go through with my plans, I have just over two weeks left to live. This entire process of planning and preparing is so lonely and the finality of death is beyond intimidating... but I honestly can NOT deal with myself. I'm stuck in this mental game of tug-of-war with myself and I want to be free of it. Alcohol is the only thing that can help me to somewhat push past all of the bullshit, but I'm terrified of building up my tolerance when I might need it the most.

I can cancel my hotel reservation free of charge up to two days before I'm supposed to check in, so I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens before then... but I wish this whole thing wasn't so FUCKING DIFFICULT. I wish I could hire someone to kill me; just shoot me in the back of the head and for the love of god, don't tell me when it's coming.

The whole buildup to actually catching the bus fucks with my head so much.

 

[sadsoul]

GODDAMN IT, I woke up with feet so cold that I think I might be getting frostbite, and it's been bothering me all day... seriously. I don't know if it had ANYTHING to do with my dream last night where I was riding a horse and the horse suddenly stopped on the edge of a cliff and I went flying off the cliff and all my clothes evaporated off my body and then I hit a bunch of branches on the way down and died and then had a birds-eye view of my dead, mangled body (holy fuckin' run-on sentence)... but I'm getting some REALLY COLD FEET right now.

If I am to go through with my plans, I have just over two weeks left to live. This entire process of planning and preparing is so lonely and the finality of death is beyond intimidating... but I honestly can NOT deal with myself. I'm stuck in this mental game of tug-of-war with myself and I want to be free of it. Alcohol is the only thing that can help me to somewhat push past all of the bullshit, but I'm terrified of building up my tolerance when I might need it the most.

I can cancel my hotel reservation free of charge up to two days before I'm supposed to check in, so I'm going to play it by ear and see what happens before then... but I wish this whole thing wasn't so FUCKING DIFFICULT. I wish I could hire someone to kill me; just shoot me in the back of the head and for the love of god, don't tell me when it's coming.

The whole buildup to actually catching the bus fucks with my head so much.

I hate having a long build-up. Knowing that I'm gonna ctb in x days makes me feel sick to my stomach. I just want it to be over quickly. But I also can't do it impulsively because that would be too risky.

 

[sadsoul]

Never had problems with involuntarily sleeping too little and not being able to fall asleep again, but now for some reason this is happening hahahahahah thanks body I hate you too

Also, I never had problems with speaking in front of class but now when I have to do it my chest is really tight and hurts, I can't breathe well, my voice sounds weird and it's hard to talk calmly.
Lol where are those physical symptoms suddenly coming from, this is crazy

 

[Dani Paradox]

 

[Throwaway563078]

I envy both the living and the dead.

The actual people who are healthy mentally physically etc and can mostly enjoy life., build relationships, etc.

And the dead for not existing. I envy the dead more.

Being in between, just existing /suffering having nothing going for me is hell

 

[Throwaway563078]

Feeling pretty violent. I want to break stuff

 

[sadsoul]

Why do therapists say that therapy only works if you want to get better and work on yourself?
Like sure, I'm depressed and suicidal, I totally have the energy to work on myself and I toootally don't want to be dead, I obviously want to get better duh, what did you think

Me: I want to be dead
Therapist: You can only get better if you are willing to work on yourself ;)
Me: I don't want to get better, I don't want to work on myself, I just want to be dead
Therapist: I think you want to be locked up in a psych ward ;))))))

 

[2211264]

Raining and grey. Slow steady rain trickling and flowing, rolling down the gutters and disappearing down the drain. Can I come too?

 

[littlelungs]

The fact that I'm expected to participate in Christmas bullshit is enough to make me want to kill myself all on its own. I hate Christmas.

 

[Trashcan]

I hope to ctb this Sunday. Please work...

 

[Virgo]

I hope to ctb this Sunday. Please work...

What method? I'm doing partial Sunday.

 

[Trashcan]

What method? I'm doing partial Sunday.

Good luck! I hope it works out for you. I'm using the exit bag. My main concern is that pesky survival instinct.

 

[Virgo]

Good luck! I hope it works out for you. I'm using the exit bag. My main concern is that pesky survival instinct.

Good luck, what gas are you using?
I've failed in the past, but I think I've finally got it down.

 

[Virgo]

It's really peaceful down below. Your heart rate is slow and your in a state of relaxation with 18 meters of water above you.

 

[Schopenhauer]

Three days left to live. I'm excited, but also nervous.

 

[worldexploder]

Started watching "13 reasons why" on Netflix.
At the start there was a pro life disclaimer.
They said if your having trouble then this show may not be for you....
Maybe it is for me???



And
"The moment you start talking about it, it gets easier"
Yeah actually, it does get easier when you start talking about it :) I'll go out a bit happier now

This is why I can't watch this shit. The disclaimer alone would piss me off. I would be thinking about it throughout the entire show.

 

[worldexploder]

 

[2211264]

This is why I can't watch this shit. The disclaimer alone would piss me off. I would be thinking about it throughout the entire show.

Finished it just now (15mins ago) wasn't a very good TV show I think. It was just full of shock factor type crap and all the "bad" things that can make young persons feel "terrible". The ideas presented and subject matter was middle class, American and PLAIN.
Suicide scene was good I liked watching that little bit.

 

[worldexploder]

Finished it just now (15mins ago) wasn't a very good TV show I think. It was just full of shock factor type crap and all the "bad" things that can make young persons feel "terrible". The ideas presented and subject matter was middle class, American and PLAIN.
Suicide scene was good I liked watching that little bit.

Thanks for the warning.

 

[Trashcan]

Good luck, what gas are you using?
I've failed in the past, but I think I've finally got it down.

Argon. It was the same price as the nitrogen and I managed to find an argon regulator quite easily and cheaply.

I hope that it works out this time for you and you find peace.

 

[Throwaway563078]

I'm in hell