Random thoughts

[Futility]

People wonder why this place exists.

I try to be normal and then I become the recipient of ridicule and get laughed at because I'm only worthy of being reminded that I'm less than everyone else so they can feel better about themselves for a minute.
Thanks.
Fucking tired of narcissists on Facebook getting off on making me feel like trash.
I can't believe I fell for my friends nudging me back into being social, I hate people.
It costs $0.00 to be a decent human being, why not do it? But no, too difficult.

I wish I had succeeded my first suicide attempt when I was 8.
I wouldn't have missed any of this.

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

I'm hurting and I really feel alone.

 

[ScarsAndStitches]

I hope that I make a positive impact on at least one persons life.

 

[Return2Dust]

Why do I care so much about what other people think of me? FFS.

 

[RM5998]

Got yelled at by my manager for arriving late regularly over the past few weeks. So now I've ruined throne thing I had going for me in these past couple months. Looks like these next few weeks are going to be bad.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Seeing @EvilAngelGoddess and @Circles sticking around feels... nice...
Familiar faces, even if I have never spoken with them.

 

[throwaway123]

Honestly I don't want to die? Who does? Life is forcing me to CTB. I don't really have a choice. I never did. I'm sure a lot of people here can relate.

I'm so close to having a burnout. I can't go on much longer than this.

 

[Kassender]

It's coming.
Feet don't fail me.

 

[Morphinekiss]

My head is fucking killing me, it's that one damn trigger point, feels like I've been lit on fire.

 

[Lefty]

My head is fucking killing me, it's that one damn trigger point, feels like I've been lit on fire.

I hate that feeling.

 

[Life sucks]

One of the worst moments is when you do much effort then get no reward at all. Life is fucked up

 

[kkatt]

I am not ILL. I just made a rational,thought out decision to end my life.
FFS!!!

 

[GinaIsReady]

I miss Severen and Not_A_Robot

 

[Morphinekiss]

I miss Severen and Not_A_Robot

Yep

 

[Life sucks]

I don't know if I should post that in the forum or not

 

[blanketyblk]

I miss Severen and Not_A_Robot

Agreed. place doesn't feel as 'welcoming as it did with those two around'

 

[Fadinglife]

Agreed. place doesn't feel as 'welcoming as it did with those two around'

I wanted to ask. What happened to them?

 

[GinaIsReady]

I wanted to ask. What happened to them?

It seems (don't know for sure) that @Severen went quiet around the time the raids happened (law enforcement showing up at different people's homes in Europe and an old folks' home in Australia), which I believe was late June. Whether that had anything to do with his going dark is impossible to know for sure. I'm just noting the timing as I see it. I've been watching his profile, which is hidden (or maybe he's ignoring me), and his location seems to change now and then so maybe he is lurking and still with us. @Severen is super intelligent. His posts were raw and hillarious (to me). I would laugh my ass off on a daily basis, but they also opened the door for a lot of conversation that was frank and direct and worth having. Though he had a very tough and raw presence, he was very kind and supportive in our private interactions. @Severen come back!!!!

@not_a_robot ... I couldn't tell you what happened or when. She also made me laugh hysterically. I didn't agree with everything she said, but I agreed with a lot, or at least could understand where she was coming from. I loved how open she was about what she did for a living and the challenges and hearing about some of her experiences. Like Severen, she wasn't afraid to call people out on their shit and I loved that. She and I didn't interact privately but I still miss her raw style and high intelligence. @not_a_robot please come back!!!!

 

[Morphinekiss]

Best day of the month=xanax refill day. Popping these things like candy today

 

[Life sucks]

The problem everything requires some effort and energy including ctb and when you don't have energy but want to ctb, its a trap

 

[Circles]

I'm so fucking tired of overthinking and obsessing about suicide to the point I want to kill myself more because of these thoughts.

 

[NotMeant2B]

I'm not meant for this world

 

[vonvonwantpeace]

another shitty day...

 

[Fadinglife]

another shitty day...

Mine too

 

[Numbtopain97]

Nobody cares about that small thing you're afraid they'll notice. They're too obsessed with their own small things they're afraid you will notice

 

[Life sucks]

Life is a dumb loop

 

[NotMeant2B]

I'm worth nothing

 

[greenlight]

I am thinking about acceptance. Like, most of the time I would be resentful towards all the ills I have to go through, and there is a lot of similar tendencies online. But now I am starting to think in "its ok to fail and leave" way. Yes, my life is quite unpleasant. But its ok, I acknowledge it without losing my mind about it. Its just the way as it is. So I will just leave. Imagine entering a cafe, and then you dont like the prices or the quality or something else. You dont get mad about how bad this place is, its ok, some places are shitty, so you just leave and dont come back.

 

[Life sucks]

Days just move and date is just a rapid moving number

 

[blanketyblk]

So my CTB date is now less than 4 weeks and today at work. the CEO came to my office and said. we think you need some time to recuperate and unwind. there is a 5 days conference in Singapore and your booked to go.

Me is like WTF. really? and yep. all expenses paid trip to Singapore and can extended it to stay 7 days and fly back on the monday.. first class travel and all. to me it's like oh wow. and thank you. so bags are backed and i'm heading to the departure lounge in a few hours.

in away it's lovely to be wanted by my job. in other ways it's lonely as fuck going on a trip alone :-(.

What does this do to my CTB date.. not sure. but i will admit i feel a small spark of life spluttering inside of me.