Was not thinking of writing suicide letter now Im considering writing 2, 1 to famiily the other to somebody else, but only if i really plan to do it. I have anxiety now and its making me really think of worst possible outcomes if I die, and also if there is another life being born again suffering like a caged animal, or other horrible stuff. When I think of my life now and compare it to other I cant say Im suffering as I have shelter, food everything to survive, Im not abused not forced to do anything not tortured in physical way...
I will pass on my hurt to others now, its making me feel anxiety, and like im being forced to go on living when I dont really want to live, just want to sleep n never wake up. Also having guilt n feel like a freak again n like a serial killer or psycho a real bad person. I try not to hurt other living things but end up doing it even if I did not intend to, or did I intend to do it? This is making me crazy in my mind, I keep replaying things to see if Im really a bad person. No amount of doing good will ever make the bad things I did go away or okay ever again, its like Lyle Menedez said, nothing is going to ever bring back his parents, that he killed them, no amount of crying,guilt or praying to god he will forgive him.
Ive tainted all the good things in me, I think its even if my hair grows back and my face becomes like a normal persons, im never going to go back to being a good person as I did that to myself, I did horrible things and now Im paying for it and thats why these bad things are happening to me, maybe Im not worth being alive, im taking up oxygen, its like that pizzagate guy isaac kappy that said he is a bad person and now he has to die and jumped of a bridge.
