Random thoughts

[ArtsyDrawer]

Oh God.
Spoke with an impressively stupid kid yesterday: he says I'm smarter than most people on the server, so I might know what's going on.
"Shoot" I say expecting some particularly nasty algebra homework.
No, no, this time it's not homework. This time the kid reveals he discovered juul and that it's tasty.
I should've mentioned the kid is 13 years old and is a fortnite kid.
So this tasty tasty juul that makes him feel nice and tingly now makes his world white for a few seconds and then he wakes up on the floor. That's called "a seizure", if you don't follow.
Also? Riding his bike is suddenly difficult because his body shakes "strongly".
I ask him how much he smokes.
50mg a day.
One kid, 50mg of nicotine a day. Sometimes even more, mostly on weekends.
He's giving himself serious nicotine overdoses with complimentary brain damage on a daily basis.
It's like he's trying to ctb in the most retarded, least efficient way possible.
How he managed to hide his seizures and massive tremors (he reports dominating the road by swerving all over it like a drunk) from his parents, I don't know. First time I had one of my own, my parents teleported across the city to shit their pants in my vicinity.
The facepalm emoji is not potent enough for this level of idiot, we need something stronger.

 

[RainAndSadness]

The insomnia has become so much worse lately. The last positive thing in my life were the sleeping meds but they stopped working a while ago. I could fall asleep so quickly for a few months while I took them. It felt so liberating, being able to escape the nightmares of insomnia and just dive into a deep sleep. It was amazing. I consider this as a privilege. For some people, the idea of just falling asleep in a few minutes is impossible to fathom. But now I'm awake for many hours, until it's deep in the night. It's almost 3am here. All of this makes sleeping forever so much more appealing.

 

[Donewitheverything]

I want to die. I've been suffering since I was a child; I can't do this anymore. Why can't anyone understand?

 

[Deadgirl]

My parents care more about college than I do, I know I'm a failure because I flunked and can't tell them

 

[Halo13]

I'm so upset and pissed off right now I could impulsively try to ctb. I know I don't have everything ready yet and would fail, which makes it even more difficult and worse. I just want to scream or punch something. I want it all to just END already without having to wait!!

 

[Midnight]

Adulthood never brought the rise ... Only the fall. It feels as if the pit is endless. I know where the end lies yet i claw and struggle to climb up all the while falling deeper and deeper.

 

[Alchemist]

I am so pathetic and hopeless. I hate being so clingy. I hate being able to feel. I want to be numb, that my brain stops thinking. If I can't die, at least I want all my emotions to be gone. I want to be an unfeeling machine.

 

[Halo13]

Why do people online bother spending weeks or months building a friendship to suddenly delete their account and ghost permanently?! A non ctb person, obviously. I'm hurt. I'm not even surprised anymore, too. Thanks for kicking me when I'm down, you know? Can't even tell them it was such a cowardly move because they made sure to ghost entirely. I just wanted a friend before I ctb and I was stupid to believe they'd stick by me. I wish I didn't care but a part of me finds this behavior in my final days abhorrent and hurtful. It's my fault anyways considering I was dumb enough to bother. I guess I just thought it'd be nice until the time comes. I could understand if it was someone on this forum but since it wasn't, I just feel more worthless and unloved.

 

[sweet17sour29]

I am so conflicted.
The SN arrived on Friday, meto a month earlier.
I want to go to a hospital, I want to be forced to take medication and talk about my issues, I don't want to have freewill for awhile because it's working out poorly.
I don't know how to make the first step. I'm terrified of asking for help, I'm terrified of killing myself and hurting people, and I'm terrified of continuing to live life like this. All options are bad.

 

[RainAndSadness]

Back home. That was a terrible trip. I need some sleep now.

 

[15dec]

My dads logic: working in a kitchen won't give you experience as a chef, go to university instead and do more hours at McDonald's

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Mildly terrified: neuros want to hospitalized me a day earlier. Just the anxiety from that phone call.
Or any phone call, really. I hate talking on the phone. It ties my stomach in a knot.

 

[Kuris]

Ever since I got my ctb plan ready I feel like I have lost something very dear to me. Used to plan it to perfection on all the details everyday, search all about the different methods I could find and which ones were accessible to me. Now my mind is just empty.

 

[throwaway123]

On the inside I am dead. I live life but I make no progress. It's pointless to continue this life. I'm better off dead. I know that but it's still hard.
Most of the time I lose myself in my delusions. Somtimes it takes me days or even weeks to get out of them. I manage to stay clearheaded for a few minutes or hours then lose myself again.

This is so painful.
In my true core I want to die. I keep denying it because society tells you otherwise and I'm scared.

It feels like I'm slowly getting my sanity back. I just need to stop spending so much time on the internet.
I still lose myself quite often but I feel like the longer I can keep myself sane the more I start to become myself again and complete my suicide.

It's all I ever wanted. I'm happy with how it's worked out. If I die and find my peace then I will be happy.

Deep down on the inside I know there's no afterlife. That's what makes life so short, precious and beautiful but also pointless and full of suffering.

For me death is the ultimate freedom, it's peace and happiness. My last moments will probably be the happiest but also the scariest both at the same time.

I want to write so much more but I feel like it's pointless. Few will read this and nobody will care.

At least I get to see my friends again.


I think I've said this before but before the end of this year I hope to be dead. I accept it. I accept everything.

 

[15dec]

I wish my dad was more supportive of me. It seems like no matter what I do I'm never good enough, and it's honestly like he only accepts perfection. If I'm ever upset or uncertain I'm awful, and if I don't fit his idea of what and who I should be, I'm ruining my life.

 

[silentsinger]

I wish my dad was more supportive of me. It seems like no matter what I do I'm never good enough, and it's honestly like he only accepts perfection. If I'm ever upset or uncertain I'm awful, and if I don't fit his idea of what and who I should be, I'm ruining my life.

I really sympathise with you. I'm sorry that you are made to feel this way.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Wow I really hate reddit...idk why I bother reading there except my extreme boredom.

 

[15dec]

Sometimes I think I hallucinate/hear voices and I don't know what to do :/

 

[Midnight]

Yesterday a girl told me to be more positive .. be more energetic and try to feel better because feeling better does not come on it's own. She also said it's as if i was dead. How ironic. She asks every time whats on my mind. But i just change the subject to her. I simply cannot put into words what i feel like because she can't possible understand. She means well though and it must be very tiring to be arround someone like me. Spent nearly all i got on companionship ... To put my mind at ease for at least a few minutes every time. But it rarely did. Man i've made some stupid choices...

 

[WOODESITY]

My supervisor now wants me to be smiley zombie just like rest of the co workers, no problem bitch, I'll smile for you just because you want... I'm weird and shit just because I don't look happy being slave.. this life is so sick .

 

[throwaway777]

i dont wanna lose my friends but my obsessions are ruining everything

 

[SkyBlue]

Sometimes I think I hallucinate/hear voices and I don't know what to do :/

To be honest, you should see a doctor, of course.
Apart from that, you very likely need to find a way to reduce/manage/cope with certain kinds of stress. Might sound kinda obvious. Find out what affects you and how you can get away from it/handle it better. This... and doing something good for yourself. From relaxing and pleasant things to working on improving your situation. And whatever happens, try to stay calm and take it as easy as possible. This would be my first direction for you.
But, as I said, you should see professional help...

 

[15dec]

To be honest, you should see a doctor, of course.
Apart from that, you very likely need to find a way to reduce/manage/cope with certain kinds of stress. Might sound kinda obvious. Find out what affects you and how you can get away from it/handle it better. This... and doing something good for yourself. From relaxing and pleasant things to working on improving your situation. And whatever happens, try to stay calm and take it as easy as possible. This would be my first direction for you.
But, as I said, you should see professional help...

Thank you.. I'm just scared they won't take it seriously. But I'll try anyway. It only seems to happen when I'm at college and that's when my stress/anxiety peaks, but I'm leaving soon so hopefully it'll settle down.. thank you again :)

 

[SkyBlue]

Thank you.. I'm just scared they won't take it seriously. But I'll try anyway. It only seems to happen when I'm at college and that's when my stress/anxiety peaks, but I'm leaving soon so hopefully it'll settle down.. thank you again :)

If they don't take this seriously, they're no good. Good luck...

 

[ZixivaldYrxes]

I'M A BIG BABY
A BIG BIG ROUND BABY BOY
BIG ROUND BABY BOY WANT HUGGIES
GIVE BIG ROUND BABY BOY HUGGIES NOW
PLS PLS PLS GIVE HUGGIES TO BIG ROUND BABY BOY PLS PLS PLS

NOOOO NOOOO NO SPANK BABY PLS
PLS NO SPANK BIG ROUND BOY NO STOP PLS NO NO NO PLS STOP PLS
ouch! ~<3


---

Phew, really had to get that out there.

 

[Alchemist]

I think that sometimes I'm so clingy that people end up hating me.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

In my mind I still feel 16. Almost like I've experienced no real development since then. In some ways I find myself mature, and I can come off wise/smart whatever you want to call it, but there's a big part of me that is quite childlike. I feel like a lot of my anxiety-related problems and lack of emotional growth are major symptoms of that. Outside of my romantic relationships I'm very isolated and have been for a long time, and I feel like on some level we need others to keep ourselves in check, if nothing else. My girlfriends have always just seemed to accept me being this way, which is lucky, but I know I've been enabled until this point. In any case, I haven't established any real routines, structure or healthy development in my life. I live like a kid. If I feel like playing video games and eating pizza all day, I just do it. Nobody tells me no, and I'm obviously not motivated to ever change it, because fuck it, why would I?

 

[15dec]

Why do people try to tell me being quiet/shy equates to being unable to communicate? Why do people try to tell me what triggers my anxiety and what doesn't? I think I know better than anyone else how I function

 

[21Neberg]

So this is what it's like, to have no friends left. It's time I face the truth - I actually have no friends anymore. Not even acquaintances anymore. I always hoped, just held out hope that during my isolation some friend would come forward and say 'whats up' you know? But it never happened. I should lose that hope and face the truth that it's been over 8 months now since I last went a night out with people I used to call friends.

 

[throwaway123]

I hate myself. I'm broken beyond repair. I am definitely going to kill myself. I should be getting my opportunity to CTB soon. I am sorry for those that I am going to leave behind. They're the reason why I've hesitated for so long.
For a long time I was also afraid of reincarnation. I accept whatever comes after. Hopefully it's nothingness. Getting another shot at life isn't all bad because I won't be the same person.
I have also learned to forgive those who've hurt me. That was the hardest. I could not die with anger. I wanted to be at peace.