I should check my email, it's really urgent and important, but I'm afraid that the other person is really angry, and I'm afraid that the answer is no, and I'm afraid that I ruined everything by not writing the original email much sooner. For a week now, I've spend hours every day telling myself to check the email, but I'm always too afraid and tired, too socially anxious. I'd rather puke.
Another thing I must check is my Twitter. But I'm afraid with it too. The last time I was there, I was really angry and said a lot of honest and well-meaning, but angry words. Now I fear that I've lost all my followers and gotten a thousand callouts calling me an asshole and claiming that I overreacted for daring to speak my mind.
All these problems stem from my childhood. I would get abused every time I stepped on an eggshell. I remember when hurt myself really bad and said "Damn!" and then I would get yelled at for daring to say a "bad" word. Your small child is there, bleeding to death, barely conscious and unable to move, and all you damn shitheads care about was that I said one tiny "bad" word. I would rather have Flanders as my parents, at least they wouldn't have yelled at me and threatened me and made me feel unsafe and alone.
I was taught that I was just supposed to sit quiet in a corner. Never speak, never have my own personality. Not to bother others. I was always an unwanted child. I was born nine months after New Year's Eve. Most likely a result of drunken sex and broken condom on a New Year's Eve.
My father was really old when I was born, and my mother was older too. I always envied my schoolmates who would have young, cool, liberal, modern parents. My parents were from a time when all non-white were treated badly and called names. All my family members are really racists. I hate how racists they are. I wish I could cut their racism out of them and throw it into a trash bin. When I was younger, I thought of dating a non-European just to annoy my parents.
When I was younger and didn't yet hate my parents (a child rarely is capable of hating their own parents no matter what) I often thought that when I'm 50, my parents will already be about 90 years old. They'd have already died of old age or be in a nursing home. That made me sad. I didn't want to be left alone. Nowadays I sometimes look forward to it in a positive way, but still, no matter how much you hate your parents, it's really hard to not return to them and forgive them time after time, it's really hard not to love them. My adult brains hate them, but my child heart loves them. But yeah, I envied the kids who had young, cool and modern parents. One classmate had grandparents that were as old my parents. God, that was so unfair. I really loved my grandparents, but three of them were dead before my 25th birthday, and the last one will probably die before my 30th. (I'm really sorry for saying this, Grandma, I love you! And I liked you too, Grandpa).
I also envy the lack of generation gap between young parents and their children. Young parents often enjoy the same things as their children. They'd know how to use a phone and computer and the Internet, and if they didn't, they'd be willing to learn. My brother gave my parents a brand new modern TV, the kind that can access the Internet and had a button for Netflix (and maybe Amazon too). I'd sometimes watch Netflix on it and never remember to "turn it back into an old TV". So many times my father has gotten really angry (he's always had anger problems, and goes from calm to a furious ape in 5 seconds), and phoned me yelling at me, claiming that I broke the TV. And telling that I'm never allowed to press a button ever again in my life. Damn him! If I had a young, cool, 45-50 old dad, the conversation would go like this:
Dad: Hey, honey! I have a problem with the TV. I'm trying to watch the news, but it just says Netflix, what ever that is.
Me: Oh, sorry! I watched movies on Netflix, but forgot to return it to TV mode.
Dad: You can watch movies on Netflix?
Me: (Explains what Netflix is)
Dad: Wow, sounds cool! You'll have to teach me to use it sometime! Modern technology sure is amazing!
My dad rarely watches movies, barely even knows what a movie is. And 99% of the movies he watches are nature documents or "Uuno Turhapuro". Though now that I think harder, he used to have a much more varied taste when he was "only 50-55". He'd watch Bonanza, some female Indiana Jones copy, Poirot and "Kettu" and the type.
If I had younger parents, they'd also be more accepting of "exotic" food. When I was younger, I'd (rarely) cook foreign foods. My father loves hamburgers, french fries, pizza, and other "traditional Finnish foods" (dumb ape is dumb) , but when I'd give him Asian food that I cooked, he wouldn't even taste, claiming that he can't eat non-Finnish foods. It really hurts when you're a teenager making food, and even your own parents won't taste it. If he had tasted it, and then said "Sorry, but this has too much salt for me", even that would have been better. Of course it would have hurt to hear that the food you had spent two hours on was bad, but at least he would have at least tasted it. (My mother would sometimes take a tiny bite, and then always say "I'm full!", and then a short moment after be eating other food as if she was really hungry.)
If your own child makes food, it's your duty to at least try to eat it. ...Maybe that's why I never cook anymore, and just eat instant food.
I started to cry now, I really want to die now. I want to cook, I want have a father who tells me that he loves me, I want to have a father that will taste my food. I want to have a father that will cook with me, and encourage me to make even better food. Father...
(This turned out long.)
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