So after my depression a couple of weeks ago I was feeling this odd sense of calm and not giving a shit. It was so weird that I actually was able to set up a job interview for myself on Tuesday. Now this has happen before, inbetween my bouts of depression and anxiety I get a few moments of calm. This one actually lasted a week, now this is due to the fact that I did cut myself and had a very low self esteem at the time. Last night I could feel my anxiety trying to come back. Typical of it wanting to resurface when I have an interview on Tuesday.
And then ofcourse my abusive ass hat of a brother have to make things worse. So at nights, I sit and hang with my dogs, they are my babies. The youngest and smallest of the 2 doesn't like my brother and barks at him. Tonight, my brother came home from watching a movie and as usual the small dog was barking at him. Now that dog only barks but he neither rushes nor bites. Because I was there my brother tried to provoke the dog into attacking him by walking towards him and telling the dog to attack him, the dog back tracked but was still barking until he came behind me. My brother then went to the stairs and the dog followed him but at this point the dog was silent. Then my brother said to the dog "The Next Time You Bark At Me I Will Hit You"
That's when my anxiety got triggered. My brother once threw a puppy from over the railing from atop the very same stairs, a two story stairs, all because he was angry and the puppy came licking at his feet for attention. My older dog, he stomped on his belly repeatedly one night because he was studying and wanted silence. Luckily my dog was ok and not bleeding internally. I'm glad I'm confident now to stand up against him and I've protected my dogs and my mom from him before, and yet still he's able to trigger my anxiety simply because he is an abusive person and his abusive history towards me, my parents and all the pets we've had before.
Why am I afraid of this attention whore? And because I've stood up to him before, he doesn't do or say anything to them unless someone is around. Gotta play the victim. The only reasons why he did what he did tonight was to either provoke the dog into attacking him so he can attack the dog and play the victim or to provoke me into attacking him because he attacked the dog, thus playing the victim again.
The fucking attention whore is sleeping right now. I hope he is fucking happy cuz now my fucking head is in a loop, my heart is fucking racing and the only way to fix it is to cut but I'm scared to cut because of my mistake last time. Fuck why do I have to be the one that dies, why can't he just die and leave everyone in this house at peace. I feel like I've failed my dog by not defending him tonight, I was more concerned with not going to jail or not getting beaten up.
