That's a good question. I have enough powder for 2 attempts on top of the bottles you've mentioned. That's a lot and I've probably went overboard, I'm gonna admit that. That's enough N for several attempts. But I'm gonna explain why I made that decision and it's a very rational one.
I've been suicidal for over 13 years and during my entire life, I never had the ability to leave in a peaceful manner. I remember when I became suicidal the first time when I was 14 years old, it was such a traumatizing moment to realize that I'm not gonna be able to leave with dignity and that all the methods that were avaiable to me during that time were violent and painful. I'm never gonna forget that. And that's the only reason why I survived during all these years. I was simply forced to live and I don't want to get into that position ever again. I just can't. Back in 2018 when I received N for the first time in my life, I finally felt free. I was in control of my life, I knew that. I knew nothing could take that away from me but to make sure it's gonna stay that way, I made another purchase in 2020 and now I've bought N for the final time. Long story short: it's simply a safety mechanism. I'm pretty confident I've permanently ensured my autonomy with that last purchase of N. It might seem obessive but for me, there is no price on a peaceful death. I could literally fail my attempts repeatedly, mess up in grandios manner, drop one of my bottles accidently and I'd still have enough N to go for another attempt and that makes me sleep well at night. My right to die is bulletproof and nothing is gonna change that, no matter what.
And right now, D seems to be the last known and reliable N vendor in business - at least in this community - and that's why I made one final purchase. It might be my last chance for a while to get my hands on legit N.
