Venting My girlfriend is sucking the life out of me

[Menschenmühle]

She has an extreme case of self-contempt. She never accepts any compliment I give her as she believes that I'm lying or that I just want to make her feel better. But I wish I ever made her feel better, she's incredibly gloomy, she has a defeatist attiude towards life, yet she's so arrogant as to believe that her hatred for herself and for the world is somehow based on objective standards, on some sort of "biological reality" or whatever other bullshit she espouses to justify her own insecurities and hopelessness.

People believe what they want to believe, I don't condemn them for being this way, but what I hate is when they take their perspective, tainted by the various feelings that they have, and project it into the world, start taking it as some general rule, as a fact of life when it is so far from being so. This thought process inevitably makes them immune to help, as now they have all the pathetic justifications they need to keep on hating themselves, to keep somehow punishing the world because it's "evil" and "vain".

I try to help her in the best of my ability, but I'm growing impatient, she sometimes insults me for even doing this. She says that I suck at consoling others, that she doesn't want consolations to begin with. I love her but she's keeping me down, too much pessimism and gloominess wears people down, this is quite obvious. However I don't wish to let go of her, I want to remain tenacious to my love. Besides, she helped me before in life, and it would seem ungrateful on my part if I were to abandon her because of her shortcomings. But how the fuck am I supposed to help her?

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Men are logically. Autistic neurodivergent men are VERY logical. Women are emotional. Unless your partner is a very small percentage (neurodivergent) which from reading your post it sounds like she isn't.
My partner left due to financial and medical - fucked up ey? I've known other people have their partners leave (women) even though they had a flat/house and everything covered - just upped and left. If they get the tingles for another guy - that's it - it's done. It's extremely fickle but I've seen it and experienced it (not from the cheating standpoint but from the "provider" standpoint). I'm not going to get into the whole "chad" and "Stacy" stuff but the paragraph below has some substance I think;

Take it from me - don't deal with anyone - men or women. Your percentage of dealing with spiteful mutants in today's world is EXTREMELY HIGH. The odds are NOT in your favour.

Edit: I don't know your full situation apart from this bit of text - it's way too complex in terms of years and history and I don't know you or your partner. I've just put some stuff that might relate.

 

[whywere]

Howdy!

Yes, the same old same old with me to start, but at 68 I can say that if it was me after a long period the person did not want to meet me halfway, (either get help or try to help themselves) then I would get out of such a poison relationship.

Sometimes people will/won't change or even want to take the first step, and if so then one has to look out for yourself and judge if it is worth the effort to stay in the relationship or break free and find a new love.

Just my thoughts are all.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that I care about you and always around to chat with, take care.

Walter

 

[BlendedHeart]

The only thing your girlfriend should be sucking...













...is your unhappiness and your loneliness. Seems like you need a serious conversation with her about your situation. And if there's no agreement, you need to reconsider your relationship. Sometimes we need to put our reason before our emotions. It's difficult, but life gets harder with an unhappy partnerthip.

 

[eatantz]

Uh oh i had this same argument with my bf.... I'm exactly like ur gf in the insecure sense and yes i know it drains other. Its one of my main reasons i want to ctb. I never take compliments from my bf because i don't believe him and i get mad when he gets all preachy with me and tries to change my opinion. Im the biggest pessimist and i also project/blame it onto society. I really feel for your gf because we don't want to be this way and im sure she appreciates you, but when your in this state of mind it feels impossible to change.
I hope you can be transparent with her and just straight up tell her that your done, maybe it will be a reality check for her.
Wishing you the best dude!

 

[Menschenmühle]

Howdy!

Yes, the same old same old with me to start, but at 68 I can say that if it was me after a long period the person did not want to meet me halfway, (either get help or try to help themselves) then I would get out of such a poison relationship.

Sometimes people will/won't change or even want to take the first step, and if so then one has to look out for yourself and judge if it is worth the effort to stay in the relationship or break free and find a new love.

Just my thoughts are all.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that I care about you and always around to chat with, take care.

Walter

I don't want to resort to the nuclear option. Besides, this whole modern idea of cutting relationships loose and finding another person doesn't sit quite well with me. If I love my partner, then I must bear the diffculties that come with loving them. I can't conceive of a relationship with some other abstract future person, because I love my girlfriend, not this potential abstract. I hope you're getting what I'm saying. But bear in mind that I understand that most relationships end up in failure, and that people move on, yet I don't want this fact to taint my own experience, my own hopes.

Uh oh i had this same argument with my bf.... I'm exactly like ur gf in the insecure sense and yes i know it drains other. Its one of my main reasons i want to ctb. I never take compliments from my bf because i don't believe him and i get mad when he gets all preachy with me and tries to change my opinion. Im the biggest pessimist and i also project/blame it onto society. I really feel for your gf because we don't want to be this way and im sure she appreciates you, but when your in this state of mind it feels impossible to change.
I hope you can be transparent with her and just straight up tell her that your done, maybe it will be a reality check for her.
Wishing you the best dude!

But it is possible to change. I was exactly like her, and maybe this is why it pains me to see her this way because I'm reminded of my older self. I kept the pessimism behind, because it only brings ruin and destruction to the person believing in it.

 

[momento.mori]

Have you ever discussed her true childhood with her? If you could pull back those layers, I'm willing to be there was so trauma there. We build our beliefs and values early on and they shape how we treat people. I'm not making excuses for her but I'm sure she's unaware you describe her like this. I suggest you have a real talk with her and start at her childhood and see where that leads you.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to change/help themselves. This is the truth at the core of so many toxic relationships. You're doing both yourself and her a disservice by continuing to try when she is actively fighting against it.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you stay and keep trying to help her when, from your post, it seems like she has made it clear that she doesn't want help?

 

[silence ends]

Your girl got BPD traits?

 

[Menschenmühle]

You can't help someone who doesn't want to change/help themselves. This is the truth at the core of so many toxic relationships. You're doing both yourself and her a disservice by continuing to try when she is actively fighting against it.

If you don't mind me asking, why do you stay and keep trying to help her when, from your post, it seems like she has made it clear that she doesn't want help?

I wouldn't call my relationship toxic. I feel overall that my time with her has been worth it. I don't think she made it clear that she doesn't want help, she sometimes say that she feels grateful towards me when I try to help her, but when she gets overly moody, she lashes out and acts in a way that seems to me to be self-destructive. nevertheless, I won't let go of the hope that we can overcome this

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I wouldn't call my relationship toxic. I feel overall that my time with her has been worth it. I don't think she made it clear that she doesn't want help, she sometimes say that she feels grateful towards me when I try to help her, but when she gets overly moody, she lashes out and acts in a way that seems to me to be self-destructive. nevertheless, I won't let go of the hope that we can overcome this

Ah I see. Sorry, I wasn't trying to make assumptions about your relationship.

Really, it's up to you whether you think a relationship is worth it, and deciding if it's bringing you down in a way that's harmful to you. I have seen relationships where the person wanting to help ends up unintentionally enabling the person, which paradoxically hinders their ability to develop agency and grow themselves. Not saying that's your dynamic of course, I only know about your relationship to the extent you've written. Just sharing my own experience

I wish you both the best either way

 

[Throwawayacc3]

Have you ever discussed her true childhood with her? If you could pull back those layers, I'm willing to be there was so trauma there. We build our beliefs and values early on and they shape how we treat people. I'm not making excuses for her but I'm sure she's unaware you describe her like this. I suggest you have a real talk with her and start at her childhood and see where that leads you.

This is a great point - I forgot to mention childhood trauma stuff that really screws up people (both men and women). Best discussed between the two of you and not a therapist and they tend to be quite shite (that was my experience - they want you to be pay pigs for life).

 

[LaughingGoat]

She has expressed repeatedly that she doesn't want to be consoled or complimented. So right or wrong, she is not in the mindset or emotional state to accept the compliments/consolations you give her and you continue leading to further tension. Her mood is difficult for you to be around and is "sucking the life out of you/keeping you down". Those are feelings that are secondary results of her mood, but not a primary/direct result (in comparison to something like a partner hitting their SO which would be the primary function of the action). You can choose to accept where she is at this point in life and be there for her, which while it's tough for any outsider to say without knowing you two personally, would most likely look like loving her with all her faults and not trying to express your disagreement when she shows self-contempt. If you are looking for her to change, these are deep rooted issues which for most take proper treatment to work through. You have the right in a relationship to make that a stipulation that she seek help for you to stay, but she of course has the right to refuse. Sometimes with people you love in these types of situations, you have to step back and take a bird's eye view of the relationship and analyze if your remaining in the relationship is actually beneficial to either of your well-being. For many people, the ultimatum of or the end of a serious relationship due to honestly stated reasons becomes a catalyst for people to pursue change for the better. It's actually a really common reason people finally pull the trigger to see a therapist. Either way, it's never easy and I empathize with your struggle.