Help Am I an awful person if I CTB and leave my widow mother all alone?

[myopia]

For reference, my father passed away very suddenly from pancreatic cancer in early 2021. Unsurprisingly, my mother did not take his death well (she was wailing every day for months). It makes sense though, they were college sweethearts of 30 years, and she had never been with anyone else. To make matters worse, my father's family had longstanding beef with my mother, so they pretty much completely dropped us after his passing. My father's brother was supposed to be his executor of will, but he obviously didn't do his job, which meant my mother (who knows absolutely nothing about finance or law) was left to deal with it. Flash forward three years, and we're still trying to sort everything out. I came downstairs TODAY and found my mother on the phone with my dad's old employer trying to secure her survivor benefits. It's such a nightmare.

I am an only child, so if I CTB, she'll be alone. Both of her parents are dead, and while she does have 4 older brothers and a HUGE support system of friends and neighbors, I know it's not the same. After my father died, I became her whole world. When I moved away temporarily for university, she resented me immensely and claimed I was "leaving her." I don't know how she would survive this. But at the same time, I don't know how I can keep going on. I feel so empty everyday, and my life has become completely devoid of meaning. Even before my father passed, I've always known I would CTB one day, and I feel that I've finally hit that breaking point. I don't want her to hate me, but I can't keep living for her.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds like a difficult situation to be in and I understand that it's dreadful and tiring suffering in this existence when you just wish to be gone. I guess that after all only the individual can decide what to do as it's their personal decision, I wish you the best.

 

[sash]

Hi.
She lost the love of her life. And survived. Its lovely she has a huge support system.

What u do with your life is up to you.
Im sorry for what u have gone through. I wish you peace

 

[LunarLight]

I can relate. I lost my mother four years ago to lung cancer. She was 56.

When I moved away temporarily for university, she resented me immensely and claimed I was "leaving her."

Sounds unhealthy to me. I can understand how alone she feels, but she cannot rely exclusively on you, whether you decide to CTB or not.
As for your main question, I'd say it's up to you. Take care of yourself first, because no one's gonna make it for you. If you've tried every kind of therapy and med, and still suffer so much, then it's understandable this life is not worth living to you.
So no, you're not an awful person. You're in pain. In such pain that you consider taking your own life. Like every single one of us.

 

[whywere]

I never had to face such a issues as my "parents" HATED me as they called me "the mistake" even when they got in their late 80's. However, when my "dad" passed on, I hear through the grapevine that my "mom" was so glad to have her 2 children, my older brother and younger sister to comfort her AND she also said that if my brother and siter were either dead or living on another continent, that she would have reached out to me. I was so shocked when I heard this.

Now with that said, you have to do what is best for you, but if it was me, I would do my darndest to stay here at least for the time being and let her get settled in more.

Like so much in this world, ctb is not going anywhere and ctb is one and done, no 2nd thoughts ever.

Walter

 

[Ociv]

I think out of the countless obstacles between a person and CTB that I can think of, the one youre dealing with is the hardest mentally. its the exact same as the biggest roadblock I am currently facing. There really is no satisfying answer to this problem, but the only thing I have thought of so far that might make things even 1% better is to try and distance myself from her. it will still hurt to see me go, but I think that if I were to slowly fade out of her life over time, it would hurt a bit less than suddenly vanishing at once.

Im sorry that youre dealing with this issue, and I really do feel for you. I can only hope that those like us find a solution that we can be at peace with.