Venting Will always be the worst daughter to my mother

[Ekim]

Just a vent post don't read it if you feel like it's a waste of time

Ever since childhood my mom has somehow been both the worst and the best mother to me but I've always been the worst child to her btw I'm the only child of my parents growing up I always saw my father being abusive towards my mother not every single day but most of the time my father's side of the family hates my mom and my mother herself grew up in extreme poverty because of that she never got the chance to receive an education or love by her family but when hen she was finally married to my father he never really liked her and neither did his family the only hope she had was her child and when I was born she probably thought I would make her life easier But here I am heavily depressed and thinking about taking my own life when my life means so much to my mother.

I hate the fact that while growing up I never truly respected or loved her as my mother and Yes I'm ashamed to admit it but I was horrible to my mother whenever my father's side of the family belittled or humiliated her I would often side with them all this because she wasn't the "ideal mom" my mom struggles with obesity and she's deeply depressed. Only now am I realising how much she has been suffering in silence and instead of making her life easier I made it harder even now I take my anger out on her I say disgusting things that I don't even mean I try to stay calm but sometimes the moment she says even a single word I get triggered instantly.

I've realised something that maybe we will never have the loving mother daughter relationship I see other people have. I see my father's reflection in myself and I hate it.

My mother doesn't deserve this from me she is the reason I still haven't ended my life I don't know how to face her I don't know how to tell her that I love her that she means so much to me and that despite everything I truly care about her but whenever I stand in front of her somehow all my anger and frustration take over I start thinking about why she isn't like other mothers and why I have to bear all of this but when I finally calm myself then I realise something I expect so much from her yet she has spent years bearing my screaming my cruel remarks and the times I've humiliated her even after all of that she never turned her back on me whenever I needed her she was still there helping me while I only chose to pull her down humiliate her and blame her for things that weren't even her fault instead of being the one person who stood by her I became another reason for her pain.

 

[daruino]

Srry to hear u feeling like this. any reason for your anger and frustration to take over when you see her? What triggers it? Maybe identifying that could be helpful.
And I do encourage you to tell her you love her. Like you said, you might never have the ideal loving mother-daughter relationship but perhaps you could get closer to her. Hate to say it but unfortunately our parents won't always be in our life. I suggest telling her how you love and appreciate her before it's too late.

 

[suncide10]

You exactly described my family situation. I wish I could be nicer to her but I just can't. I have mixed feelings to her, like she really loves me but also did some things that hurt me and I can't forget.

 

[Agnes Tachyon]

same, my mother isnt perfect either, shes really naive and emotionally immature but, she doesnt deserve having me as hed daughter. shes just trying her best because she naively thought that having a child would fix her life. i feel extremely guilty that i don't know how to tell her i love her either.​

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't think reading your post was a waste of time at all, but I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your mother and father were the ones who brought you into the world kicking and screaming in the first place, just so they could sentence you to die in the end. While your mother may have had good intentions, your suffering is 100% her fault. This is true of all parents, who sentence their kids to a life where they know they will suffer and die. My mother has been dead for years, but I no longer miss her like I used to. To me, both my parents are nothing but breeders and I will never forgive them for bringing me into this world.

Our parents owe us everything, but we owe them nothing. They deserve every bit of abuse we can dish out because they inflicted violence upon us when they made the decision to procreate in the first place. I don't love either of my parents and I never will ever again, whether they are dead or alive. Only reason I'm glad my father is alive is because he will know how I truly feel about him when he at last reads my suicide note. I will call him and my mother breeders in it and tell him how disgusted I am with them for forcing me into this life for self serving purposes to begin with.

I live with my father and keep my true feelings hidden from him for now, but when I finally do end it all, he will know how I truly feel and I hope it destroys him. Sometimes I wish my mother was alive so she could be equally destroyed by it. I want both of them to suffer the way I have and know what it's like to wish they were dead rather than alive.

 

[Manfrotto99]

There must be something that triggers your reaction to take your anger out on you mum. Maybe you felt pressured to save her? maybe you were angry she didn't stand up for herself and allowed her self to be belittled ? You may have valid reasons, but recognising why it is there would be a big step in overcoming your anger towards her and perhaps healing the rift you have with your mum. In time your relationship with your mum may change. I think there is love there on both sides and you understand her struggles, that she is not perfect and has made mistakes. She is lucky to have you as a daughter.

 

[Disabledfromjump7]

Just a vent post don't read it if you feel like it's a waste of time

Ever since childhood my mom has somehow been both the worst and the best mother to me but I've always been the worst child to her btw I'm the only child of my parents growing up I always saw my father being abusive towards my mother not every single day but most of the time my father's side of the family hates my mom and my mother herself grew up in extreme poverty because of that she never got the chance to receive an education or love by her family but when hen she was finally married to my father he never really liked her and neither did his family the only hope she had was her child and when I was born she probably thought I would make her life easier But here I am heavily depressed and thinking about taking my own life when my life means so much to my mother.

I hate the fact that while growing up I never truly respected or loved her as my mother and Yes I'm ashamed to admit it but I was horrible to my mother whenever my father's side of the family belittled or humiliated her I would often side with them all this because she wasn't the "ideal mom" my mom struggles with obesity and she's deeply depressed. Only now am I realising how much she has been suffering in silence and instead of making her life easier I made it harder even now I take my anger out on her I say disgusting things that I don't even mean I try to stay calm but sometimes the moment she says even a single word I get triggered instantly.

I've realised something that maybe we will never have the loving mother daughter relationship I see other people have. I see my father's reflection in myself and I hate it.

My mother doesn't deserve this from me she is the reason I still haven't ended my life I don't know how to face her I don't know how to tell her that I love her that she means so much to me and that despite everything I truly care about her but whenever I stand in front of her somehow all my anger and frustration take over I start thinking about why she isn't like other mothers and why I have to bear all of this but when I finally calm myself then I realise something I expect so much from her yet she has spent years bearing my screaming my cruel remarks and the times I've humiliated her even after all of that she never turned her back on me whenever I needed her she was still there helping me while I only chose to pull her down humiliate her and blame her for things that weren't even her fault instead of being the one person who stood by her I became another reason for her pain.

Have you wondered if your mom could be a narc? I love my mom but she won't apologize, accept fault on anything or look within when I try to talk with her.

I mention it because your dad's side doesn't like her. Same with my mom. They knew she was a narcissist. I never could see it as a child till I jumped off the bridge…. It contributed to my stress.

She just wasn't capable - to see anything outside of herself.