Venting Will always be the worst daughter to my mother

[Ekim]

Just a vent post don't read it if you feel like it's a waste of time

Ever since childhood my mom has somehow been both the worst and the best mother to me but I've always been the worst child to her btw I'm the only child of my parents growing up I always saw my father being abusive towards my mother not every single day but most of the time my father's side of the family hates my mom and my mother herself grew up in extreme poverty because of that she never got the chance to receive an education or love by her family but when hen she was finally married to my father he never really liked her and neither did his family the only hope she had was her child and when I was born she probably thought I would make her life easier But here I am heavily depressed and thinking about taking my own life when my life means so much to my mother.

I hate the fact that while growing up I never truly respected or loved her as my mother and Yes I'm ashamed to admit it but I was horrible to my mother whenever my father's side of the family belittled or humiliated her I would often side with them all this because she wasn't the "ideal mom" my mom struggles with obesity and she's deeply depressed. Only now am I realising how much she has been suffering in silence and instead of making her life easier I made it harder even now I take my anger out on her I say disgusting things that I don't even mean I try to stay calm but sometimes the moment she says even a single word I get triggered instantly.

I've realised something that maybe we will never have the loving mother daughter relationship I see other people have. I see my father's reflection in myself and I hate it.

My mother doesn't deserve this from me she is the reason I still haven't ended my life I don't know how to face her I don't know how to tell her that I love her that she means so much to me and that despite everything I truly care about her but whenever I stand in front of her somehow all my anger and frustration take over I start thinking about why she isn't like other mothers and why I have to bear all of this but when I finally calm myself then I realise something I expect so much from her yet she has spent years bearing my screaming my cruel remarks and the times I've humiliated her even after all of that she never turned her back on me whenever I needed her she was still there helping me while I only chose to pull her down humiliate her and blame her for things that weren't even her fault instead of being the one person who stood by her I became another reason for her pain.

 

[daruino]

Srry to hear u feeling like this. any reason for your anger and frustration to take over when you see her? What triggers it? Maybe identifying that could be helpful.
And I do encourage you to tell her you love her. Like you said, you might never have the ideal loving mother-daughter relationship but perhaps you could get closer to her. Hate to say it but unfortunately our parents won't always be in our life. I suggest telling her how you love and appreciate her before it's too late.